How pretty is too pretty?

[BellaStranger]

Right, I don't want to come accross as arrogant or conceited. Cos I'm really not, I have a lot of problems with my self image and this has always affected my confidence and outlook. I have always wrapped a lot of my self worth in being attractive to others, which I know is not a good way to be.

 

However, that brings me on to the thoughts I've had recently, that have prompted me to write this post for other peoples opinions. I always have had a lot of attention from guys, and been told that I'm really attractive. This isn't all natural, like I say, I wrap a lot of my self worth in being attractive, I diet, gym, have my hair done, nails done, wear make up etc. but I'm starting to think that this has only negatively effected my relationships. I think guys see me as some sort of perfect, beautiful doll and they forget that I'm a real person, with real emotions and real problems. When these problems start to show themselves through my facade of beauty and confidence, I become instantly less attractive to them. Maybe if I walked around looking like a nervous wreck, I would attract guys who could deal with a girl who's a nervous wreck??

 

I was just wondering if people had opinions/ experiences they could add? Is it possible to just be too 'pretty' to attract the right sort of guy?

[Traveler27]

Well, I don't think you can ever be considered too pretty or attractive. However, I think men can get so wrapped up in dating a beautiful woman, that they forget that you are not a perfect "doll" as you say, and that you do have real emotions and real problems. I have to say, I've encountered the same problems. Men usually find me very attractive, and seem to become mesmerised by my looks and whilst it is flattering, I am always skeptical that they are only interested in me for physical reasons.

 

I have some very legitimate problems as well and am not in the best of spirits these days, and I feel that once men see the darker side of me (beyond outward appearances) they get scared and lose interest. This happened to me quite recently.

 

So yes, I definitely think there is something to what you are saying. I don't have any advice, but I think that being very attractive isn't all that's it's cracked up to be!

[Capricorn3]

I wrap a lot of my self worth in being attractive, I diet, gym, have my hair done, nails done, wear make up etc. but I'm starting to think that this has only negatively effected my relationships. I think guys see me as some sort of perfect, beautiful doll and they forget that I'm a real person, I become instantly less attractive to them.

I think it's very possible that to many people the above can come accross as high maintenance - someone who is so busy focusing on impressing others and that's usually not seen as a positive or attractive trait. It's not so much to do with the actual looks, or being "too pretty" at all, but more about the "oh look at me, I'm so gorgeous" attitude which makes people run the other way.

 

It seems you are trying way too hard to attract guys and they can sense it - as you have noticed yourself when you say it has negatively effected your relationships. Try toning down on all the beautification regime and be more natural and being yourself.

[Tanzi]

Perhaps they sense that behind the beauty you are not being yourself. We all like to the make ourselves look good ... make up, nails, hair ... its the norm. If we look good we feel good. But, nevertheless, perhaps you are worrying a little too much about your self-image and/or why these guys are with you for to completely relax and be yourself.

[BellaStranger]

I think it's very possible that to many people the above can come accross as high maintenance - someone who is so busy focusing on impressing others and that's usually not seen as a positive or attractive trait. It's not so much to do with the actual looks, or being "too pretty" at all, but more about the "oh look at me, I'm so gorgeous" attitude which makes people run the other way.

 

It seems you are trying way too hard to attract guys and they can sense it - as you have noticed yourself when you say it has negatively effected your relationships. Try toning down on all the beautification regime and be more natural and being yourself.

 

I can see what your saying.. and I know it can come accross as 'high maintainence' the way I said it, but I actually don't consider myself to be quite that bad... I'm not the kind of girl who cries if I break a nail or can't plug in my hair straighners, or who gets up 2 hours early to get ready for work! I AM the kind of girl who can let it all go and go camping, or to festivals, or go rock climbing!! I just do these things to help make me feel a bit better about myself. I have the total opposite to the 'oh look at me, I'm so gorgeous" attitude.

 

The way I AM high maintainence is in my emotions rather than my looks! I need affirmation... which guys are always quite happy to give me in abundance until they realise that self confidence is a problem for me... and that a lot of the confidence I project when I'm out is just an illusion to protect myself. I'm the kind of girl who needs looking after. As soon as I'm not this perfect image that my looks project, as soon as I cry and get angry and have actual human emotions, they seem to totally switch off.

[CordelliaG]

Yeah you should maybe not try so hard, honestly I have heard of girls who wake up early in the morning to put on makeup so their bfs never see them without, or go to sleep with it on (the latter is a fast forward button to premature ageing). While healthy eating and exercise are goof, if you spend so much time on that facepaint stuff, they will be disappointed to see how you really look. Plus a lot of guys prefer the natural look to be honest.

 

It sounds so cliche but find your inner beauty, let that shine through, because the other stuff will fade with age, and you will age especially quickly if you wear foundation, etc. daily.

 

And here's what I do: dress down, downplay your looks!! I know it sounds backwards but it really helps people see you for who you are. Then when you do dress up and they see you with make up or see a dress that shows your body they will be floored. Trust me.

[Capricorn3]

The way I AM high maintainence is in my emotions rather than my looks! I need affirmation...

they realise that self confidence is a problem for me... and that a lot of the confidence I project when I'm out is just an illusion to protect myself. I'm the kind of girl who needs looking after. As soon as I'm not this perfect image that my looks project, as soon as I cry and get angry and have actual human emotions, they seem to totally switch off.

Ah, ok. I think you have answered your own question better than anyone else ever could. Your problem is nothing about looks at all, but it seems you have a low self esteem.

 

Basically it's this:

 

* Emotionally high maintenance = chases guys away.

 

* Need affirmation all the time = chases guys away.

 

*Needs looking after = chases guys away...

 

All the above indicates needy/clingy/low self esteem - all of which many people find off putting. Then add to that what you said in your first post about your beauty regime you do to attract guys etc etc. Not good.

 

Come down a notch or two in all the above and you'll head in the right direction.

[Sparkly Eyes]

That's why I'd rather stay fat, no worries of guys pursuing me for my looks, lol.

 

I agree with others, you have low self esteem and you might also think that what you are showing to others is not the real you and they wouldn't like the real you, physically or mentally. My advice is just to be yourself. Sometimes we can't help who we attract...There are always going to be guys who come to you and just expect a perfect little doll like you said, you just have to learn to identify and reject them.

[BellaStranger]

But that's just me... Is it so impossible now to find someone who can accept you for who you are... Rather that who they want you to be?

[Sparkly Eyes]

It's not easy, but I wouldn't say impossible.

[IntotheWild]

I think what makes a woman look most beautiful is her having a sense of comfort and confidence in her environment. As far as looks, I love women that are jeans & t-shirt type gals, little make-up, clear or satin nail polish if any at all. If she's got a confident smile like she has life by the balls, then that is just super sexy.

[Mauxly]

But that's just me... Is it so impossible now to find someone who can accept you for who you are... Rather that who they want you to be?

 

The thing is, this ISN'T you. These are simply insecure codependent behaviours that you currently have. It isn't who you were born to be. Trust me. I speak from experience here. You can and must learn to find your self worth within, and not seek the acceptance or approval from others to feel validated.

 

Already I know some wonderful things abouy you. You are intelligent, articulate, adventurous, beautiful. You ARE a catch. You need to know this in your heart. Know it without someone telling you, without needing the approval from men.

 

The insecurity/ codependence will continue to drive away all but the most abusive of men. Don't fear though, you can overcome this.

 

Hermes started an excellent thread a few days ago regarding healthy boundaries. I can't point you to it because I am very limited on my mobil. I strongly suggest that you find it though.

 

I had this very problem. I'm attractive enough to attract most men. Insecure enough to drive them off or tolerate horrible treatment. Therapy is working wonders. I so not believe that we need to live like this.

 

You can do it!

[geekgirl4]

Agree. If you want someone to love who you are, you have to start being who you are. Try to make it a day by day thing. Gradually put on less makeup till you get down to the basics (a lil foundation, a lil mascara). Gradually use less of the shields you put up. It's good to do things that will make you feel good, but don't do them if you want to feel good from the audience who remarks on it. If pulling your hair into that cute style will put an extra glint into your smile - you will look killer great. Pulling your hair into that cute style so that people will affirm you look awesome isn't quite as meaningful. It seems like you're trying to draw people's eyes when you want to draw their hearts. Self confidence in jeans and a t shirt and a killer smile of happiness will draw all the good men to you.

[thathoopla]

You got to strengthen yourself and trust your self, not depend on others. Don't downplay your looks. Keep up with whatever routine you like. There's nothing wrong with being pretty. Just continue being yourself, only a stronger one!

[BellaStranger]

I think some of you are getting me slightly wrong... I don't wear make up every day... Maybe a little touch éclat under my eyes... I only put on make up when I go out!! I'm really not THAT bad!! lol

 

My issue is- can you be TOO pretty? Sometimes I feel like that sports car a guy always wanted but when he realises it uses a tank of petrol just to get to the shop he gets disallusioned and doesn't want it anymore!

[greywolf]

But that's just me... Is it so impossible now to find someone who can accept you for who you are... Rather that who they want you to be?

 

It's not impossible. But to find that, you need to actually show a person who you really are.

[absinthe]

Bellastranger, there's no such thing as too pretty. But it doesn't sound like you're very well rounded. Start looking for ways to improve self by improving on your internals. Become a Renaissance woman. Once you've done this, you're not going to need so much external validation since you KNOW both intellectually and emotionally, that you're worth something beyond your physical shell.

 

This will still attract the superficial guys but it will also attract quality men, so you're going to have to hone your ability to differentiate.

[geekgirl4]

There's no such thing as too pretty. If a guy dates you just for your looks and then dumps you, then its the guy. But there is also the flipside where a guy dates you and realizes your looks are there but personality isn't, then dumps you.

[savannahohsavannah]

Just wait till you're no longer young and your beauty fades, then you aren't the hot young thing that everyone bows down to, that gets perks because she's pretty and perhaps, quite so popular. I don't mean that to sound rude, but I see it in my life, and in others as well. It kind of stinks, actually!

 

Savannah

[FathomFear]

This isn't all natural, like I say, I wrap a lot of my self worth in being attractive, I diet, gym, have my hair done, nails done, wear make up etc. but I'm starting to think that this has only negatively effected my relationships. I think guys see me as some sort of perfect, beautiful doll and they forget that I'm a real person, with real emotions and real problems. When these problems start to show themselves through my facade of beauty and confidence, I become instantly less attractive to them. Maybe if I walked around looking like a nervous wreck, I would attract guys who could deal with a girl who's a nervous wreck??

 

I think the first step in having other people see you other than "a beautiful doll" is to do the same yourself. If you assign the majority of self-worth to your physical appearance, you can't really be shocked that others are doing the same. How much time and effort do you invest in other parts of yourself, especially when in a relationship?

[Capricorn3]

My issue is- can you be TOO pretty?

One word - NO. You seem obsessed with thinking you're too pretty and that's why men don't last with you. They don't run away because you are too pretty, they run away because of all the other low self esteem issues. It's got nothing to do with looks or being too pretty. You're focusing too much on the wrong thing.

[BellaStranger]

You got to strengthen yourself and trust your self, not depend on others. Don't downplay your looks. Keep up with whatever routine you like. There's nothing wrong with being pretty. Just continue being yourself, only a stronger one!

 

Thanks thathoopla. I guess I do lack inner strength. I think, although my 'routine' is probably no more dramatic than the average girls, it's the attention I hope to get from it (mostly subconcious) that is.

 

I guess I never really knew what was wrong with being a bit fragile and a bit dependant. I thought guys WANTED to be the provider and the protector and look after their girlfriends.

 

Not that any of this REALLY matters, I'm not dating any more. Ever. Because I AM fragile and I don't think I'll live through another break up, so I'm not going to put myself in that position.

[BellaStranger]

Just wait till you're no longer young and your beauty fades, then you aren't the hot young thing that everyone bows down to, that gets perks because she's pretty and perhaps, quite so popular. I don't mean that to sound rude, but I see it in my life, and in others as well. It kind of stinks, actually!

 

Savannah

 

I'm not particuarly popular at all actually!! I have fallen out with girls in the past because their boyfriends fancy me, and my guy friends disappear as soon as they have girlfriends, cos their girlfriends don't like them hanging out with me!! I'm generalising of course, and I do have some very good, close friends who this doesn't apply to at all and who the way I look has never occurred to! However, it DOES happen, and when it does... that's what stinks!

 

I don't even really think I'm all that great looking... very slightly above average... say, an 8. I can't wait for my looks to fade... them maybe men will all leave me alone and I'll never have to suffer at their hands again!

[BellaStranger]

One word - NO. You seem obsessed with thinking you're too pretty and that's why men don't last with you. They don't run away because you are too pretty, they run away because of all the other low self esteem issues. It's got nothing to do with looks or being too pretty. You're focusing too much on the wrong thing.

 

I'm not even nearly naive enough to believe that is the only reason... it's just a contributing factor... I'm focusing on it here because it is the subject that I am discussing!! I do however think a BIG issue in my previous relationship was my lack of being 'allowed' to have human reactions! For instance- this one time, early on in our relationship, a girl I knew, not a close friend, but an aquaintence, commited suicide. It really got to me for some reason, she was so lovely and beautiful and had so much to live for, and I sat and had a really good cry about it. My ex, sat accross the room from me and looked at me like I had lost my mind... in fact he TOLD me I had lost my mind... no comfort, no hug, nothing. I think, in my theory I have going on here, that a contributing factor was that he just never thought I would break down that way, cos he idealised me and thought I was perfect... and I think a contributing factor to that idealisation is the way I look.

[Lady Rashomon]

Or maybe he was just a , plain and simple?

 

Forgive me for saying so, but you seem to be rather stuck on yourself, despite the veneer of self-loathing. My theory is that because you tend to fixate so much on your looks, other people probably perceive you as being superficial or narcissistic. My experience has typically shown me that the way people see us is often a reflection of how we see ourselves. Your insecurity about people only seeing your beauty rather than your heart probably ties into what you value about yourself.