Just passing along my story of healing

[hedpe70]

I, like many others who post here, will apologize in advance for the length of this post. I feel like I've been through hell, but I'm finally seeing the light at the end of this tunnel.

 

My story starts with a three-and-a-half-year relationship with my wife. We were married last June, which was easily the happiest day of my life. Now, 11 months later, I'm facing my worst nightmare. One month after we were married, I moved 1,000 miles away to attend graduate school. We knew it was going to come to that sooner or later as I was working in a dying industry. It was either go back to school to change careers or sit around and wait to get laid off. After several long discussions about the subject, we decided my going to school was the best thing for us to do. The timing was good, believe it or not, because she was starting law school at the same time I was leaving, so she'd completely be able to focus on what was sure to be a busy year for her. Things were working out really well for most of the year. We talked all the time, visited when we could and our relationship was strong.

 

A few months ago, I noticed that she was starting to pull away from me. I'm big on communication and I feel that problems should be talked out when they're small instead of letting them fester and turn into bigger issues. We talked about it and had a very nice, civil conversation when I was visiting her during my spring break. We've always been able to solve issues rather easily and amicably. The rest of my spring break was great as we really enjoyed each other's company before I had to leave to go back to school. One day after arriving at school, I receive a Facebook e-mail from her requesting space, saying that the conversation we had about her pulling away really upset her. After an initial freakout, I agreed to give her all sorts of space. She assured me that this wasn't something we couldn't work out, but she just needed time to focus on school. Again, I agreed.

 

During this time of space, I didn't contact her. I wanted to give her what she asked for. She knew how to get in touch with me, so if she wanted to talk to me, she could. During this time, I focused on myself — finishing up graduate school, looking for jobs, working out (I've lost 40 pounds and dropped a couple of pants sizes) and focusing on things that I felt like I could do better in our relationship. Seven weeks have passed and she tried calling me once — four days ago. I missed the call, unfortunately, but I'm almost glad I did. The message she left me sounded more appropriate for an acquaintance than a husband. She was cold and indifferent.

 

I called her back and left her a message to let her know I got her message. For a while prior to this exchange, I was hoping that this would be the time of our reconciliation. Before this need for space came up, we had planned on her coming up for my graduation — something extremely important to me. Since she asked for space through her semester and her semester is now over, I held out the small hope that she'd come up to be a part of my important day, which is this coming weekend. This past Sunday, however, I received a text message from her saying that she's currently in Central America and that she'd call me when she got back. On Monday, I found a package at my apartment from her that contains all my mail and a small note that asked me to forward my mail up here. Nothing more.

 

It's abundantly clear to me that my marriage is over. We didn't even make it a year.

 

But you know what? No contact through this point was the absolute best decision I could have ever made. While I was understandably devastated in the first few weeks of my giving her the space she wanted, I started to heal. I started to understand that people who love each other don't put each other through this kind of torment. I started to realize that my relationship with her, while full of fun, loving and blissful moments, was not be meant to be.

 

I've come to terms with what's happening right now and what's about to happen in the near future. And you know what, ENA? I'm OK. Yeah, I'm OK. I'm going to be just fine. My life will go on, and I'll come out of this much stronger than I went into it. I can already feel it.

 

Does this mean I no longer love my wife? Absolutely not. In fact, I love my wife so much that I'm willing to let her go. I want her to be happy. If it's not with me, then so be it. But through this whole situation, you know who I really learned to love? Me. I've always struggled with my insecurities and doubts about myself, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I've got a great handle on them. I've got a lot going for me right now, despite my impending divorce, and there's a lot to be happy about. Most importantly, I'm happy about being happy with myself. I hope that makes sense. I've finally accepted myself for all my flaws as well as my successes. I'm now confident that, somewhere down the line, someone will accept the same things in me.

 

I realize I'm still on a very long road, and I'm taking it one step at a time, one day at a time. But the more steps I take, the more I notice a bounce to them. I've noticed that I'm finally off that horrible emotional roller coaster I had ridden for weeks. I'm completely in control of my life and my future, and everything's going to be OK.

 

I know there are a lot of people on this forum who are struggling with terrible heartache, and I really feel for you. I was there, too, and to some extent, I'm still there. But please know that you will move on. You will find yourself again. You will see the light at the end of the darkness.

 

Going through what most of us are going through now is one of the toughest things you'll ever have to face. But just think of how much better and stronger a person you'll be on the other side of it. I know it's difficult to see such things, but have faith. This, too, shall pass.

[Scorpio_Less]

Great post - thanks for this

 

P.S. - I quoted you in my signature (it's not showing up right now though.) Great comment you made there, and I think it will help others.

 

"While I was understandably devastated in the first few weeks of my giving her the space she wanted, I started to heal. I started to understand that people who love each other don't put each other through this kind of torment"

[hedpe70]

Thanks, Scorpio! I really appreciate that. Glad I could be of some help.

[PrincessBOT]

Wow! I am sorry about what you are going through with your marriage. At the same time I think it shows absolutely selfless and amazing character that you are able tell your story and do so in a way to help and encourage others while you are going through this kind of heartache. I wasn't even married and was beyond helping myself much less anyone else when my relationship ended. You definitely have admirable strength. I know it may be difficult, but please stay strong.

 

Also this line "I started to understand that people who love each other don't put each other through this kind of torment." Absolutely true, in my opinion you can not possibly love someone and put them through it if it's not to save their life....

[hedpe70]

Thanks, Princess! I really appreciate your incredibly kind words. It wasn't easy getting to the point I'm at, but it's going to shape me into the person I will become. That alone is worth looking forward to.

[Carus]

Hey Hedpe*

Yeah, I'm OK. I'm going to be just fine. My life will go on, and I'll come out of this much stronger than I went into it. I can already feel it.

Even when a dark day hits, your post and this attitude will hold you in good stead for the future*

I know there are a lot of people on this forum who are struggling with terrible heartache, and I really feel for you. I was there, too,....You will see the light at the end of the darkness.

This is me so thanks for that*

 

I went to a friends wedding 2 years ago....they lasted 10 months.....

Sorry to hear you had to go through this....

 

Ever Forward

K2*

[wlh22]

Dude.. you ROCK....

[PennyLane09]

great post!! couldn't agree more...i'm glad you got to know yourself better and grow...good luck but it sounds like you don't need it.

[hedpe70]

Wow, thanks everyone for the awesome words of encouragement! This is why I love ENA. There are so many great people here to provide support and advice. Don't know where I'd be without this forum. Thanks again!

[1guygirl]

i see you have inkage meaning "strength" (i know cos i have the same ink )

 

i think you are a fine example of strength and love...your wife if she divorced you missed out, but thats her journey, and i have no doubt you will meet a woman who will stand by their commitment when it matters most

[Nothisdoormat]

Hedpe70,

 

Thanks for such an encouraging post. I am one of those who feels as if I'm nearing the

light at the end of the tunnel, but my ex comes along and keeps putting false blinders on.

 

I sometimes feel I could be healed if I had not "left the door somewhat open." Sure, I've done NC for the past few months now and feel good about that, but since April, I had lowered my guard and well, I just need to let go of hope and just really move toward healing.

 

I'm working on improving in areas of my life where I am unhappy and unfulfilled. I am even changing a lifestyle habit - I am working toward a raw food diet. I've been doing green smoothies for about a week now and am beginning to like the thought of less cooked food. Still, I have a long way to go in pursuit of that path.

 

Thanks again for letting those of us still in pain know that in time we will heal and things will no longer seem as difficult as they may seem for us right now.

 

I also share your sentiment, although I don't know a lot of people on here, Enotalone has been a great comfort for me and I appreciate the kind words that some have shared with me in the few threads I have generated since I found this site.

 

-Nothisdoormat

[hedpe70]

Hey, Nothisdoormat. So sorry to hear about what you're going through, but I'm so glad you're finding encouragement and hope here. It is certainly a process. This is not the first time I've had my heart broken, but each time it happens, it sure feels like the first. You never really get used to the pain. I'm really happy to hear that you're focusing your energy on something productive, like a very good diet. Believe me, the energy you're putting into that will pay off soon enough. It's so easy to just fall into a funk and remain there after something like this happens. But, like you, me and a lot of people here at ENA, we've decided not to let our broken relationships get us down. We have a lot to offer people who will appreciate us, and it's important to remember that. If someone pushes you aside, there will always be someone else out there who will bring you in close. It won't happen right away, and I know I'm not in any rush to get back into another relationship as I'm happy focusing on me right now, but it's much healthier to have hope in a bright future than a broken past. I'm rooting for you and everyone else who comes to this site looking for support. We'll all get through this much better than we were before.

 

And hey, 1guygirl, thanks for the kind words. I got that tattoo a long time ago as a reminder of the things I've been through and how I've been able to overcome them. Anytime I need a boost, I look at it and it reminds me of what I'm capable of. Best money I ever spent. You're right, my wife chose this path she's on. Doesn't mean I have to follow along. No matter what, at the end of the day, I can proudly look myself in the mirror and know I did everything I possibly could to make things work without selling myself out. That's a pretty good feeling, despite the circumstances.

[1guygirl]

 

And hey, 1guygirl, thanks for the kind words. I got that tattoo a long time ago as a reminder of the things I've been through and how I've been able to overcome them. Anytime I need a boost, I look at it and it reminds me of what I'm capable of. Best money I ever spent. You're right, my wife chose this path she's on. Doesn't mean I have to follow along. No matter what, at the end of the day, I can proudly look myself in the mirror and know I did everything I possibly could to make things work without selling myself out. That's a pretty good feeling, despite the circumstances.

 

im with ya on that...i know in my situation i did everything i could, in a loving way, without loosing me, and i too look at my tat and think "i earned that, and i possess it"

 

so many people on here are filled with strength and so many on here will find it too