Guilty and Can't Move on

[Confused7]

Being the dumpee, the dumper always lists reasons why it was OUR fault. As a result, we're left with all these "what if's" and wonder if our ex's knew how much we've changed, that things would be a lot different. We forget about all the bad times, and romantacize about the good, yearning to change ourselves into whom our ex wanted so that we can reconcile.

 

As a result, we are stuck and unable to move on. That's where I am at currently. I want to call her so bad and tell her how much I've changed. Being the dumpee, we blame ourselves for so much. How are we supposed to move on? The guilt is just over bearing sometimes.

[Chalie]

It depends on if you can talk to your ex or not. If you can talk it through then it might help a little bit.

But the old saying "time heals all wounds" is what I can say and that's from experience.

[cherryberry123]

Being the dumpee, the dumper always lists reasons why it was OUR fault. As a result, we're left with all these "what if's" and wonder if our ex's knew how much we've changed, that things would be a lot different. We forget about all the bad times, and romantacize about the good, yearning to change ourselves into whom our ex wanted so that we can reconcile.

 

As a result, we are stuck and unable to move on. That's where I am at currently. I want to call her so bad and tell her how much I've changed. Being the dumpee, we blame ourselves for so much. How are we supposed to move on? The guilt is just over bearing sometimes.

 

WOW. I can't believe how much I can relate.

 

Trust me, I know that guilt feeling. I know it all too well.

My story? Treated my ex horribly, he lost feelings because of this..and broke it off. I cried and felt horrible, even months after the breakup..even when he said he forgave me. Even when he would tell me to let it go, I couldn't. I had so much regrets and I made so many changes after the breakup, but I wanted to prove it to him or else I couldn't let it go.

 

I finally couldn't take it anymore. So, I texted him. I was ready for him to reject...but I asked him to meet me because I wanted to talk to him about something. I was completely surprised that he was not only willing...but also suggested meeting the very next day! How overwhelming was that?!

 

We met up and I can honestly say it was the BEST feeling in the world. I told him I felt so much guilt and apologized for my wrong doings. I thought he hated me and was completely surprised he was willing to hang out...I told him this...and he started crying and said "I never hated you. I'm sorry I made you feel that way".

I think I have a thread about my meeting.

We fixed the tension between us, even told eachother we were amazing people.

 

We are in contact now, and it feels great.

 

I know how you're feeling. It feels like a dark cloud is raining over you, and you feel like a heavy weight is bringing you down..right?

After the meeting, the weight was lifted. I felt amazing. Best decision EVER.

 

I don't know how far you are in the breakup...but keep things in mind

-Don't contact her and do this apology till things have cooled off..perfect example with me. I tried apologizing but he kept brushing it off. After a couple of months, he was completely willing to see me and make amends.

-What are your true intentions after this meeting? What are you looking to get out of it?

[jettison]

Here's a little secret about "The List". When a dumper dumps, they generate these lists in their minds as a matter of necessity. They need to collect enough evidence in that their mind so that, if confronted by 3rd parties, they could readily present all the reasons why this soon-to-be-ex was a terrible match for them, or if it's an over-the-top list, a terrible person.

 

The List, it is meaningless. Items from are often interchangeable from one list to another. For example:

 

Honeymoon: "He's so great with money! I love that he doesn't waste it like my ex did before him."

 

Pre-breakup: "He's a cheap bastard! He only takes me out to dinner once a month!"

 

Honeymoon: "I love how intellectual he is. No matter the subject, he'll have this amazing take on the subject, and I could just listen to him for hours."

 

Pre-breakup: "This guy won't shut the hell up! Sure, he's smart, but I just don't need to hear about it. Sometimes I just want to tape his mouth shut with duct tape."

 

Get it? The lists, they are just the way we spin things in our mind so that we relieve the tensions of guilt that are present when we dump someone. If your ex presented you with an actual, hand-written list, that detailed all the ways you either didn't measure up, or just disappointed her in general, then god help you and your soul. You could spend the next 5 years working that paper like a to-do list, checking off every item, making sure that you now "measure up" to this ex's standards.

 

1) I was a slob. Now, my apartment is perfectly immaculate. Check.

2) I didn't make enough money. Now, I'm rich. Check.

3) I was a poor listener. Now? I am so much more patient and can listen for hours.

4) I wasn't good with animals. Now, since I joined the SPCA, I have this amazing love for all creatures and have even become a vegetarian.

5) Yada, yada, yada.

 

Who knows what was on your list. All you need to understand is that you could work a checklist of 300 items, "fix" everything that is "wrong" with you according to any ex, and he/she STILL wouldn't want to be with you anymore.

 

The List is a sham. It's utterly meaningless. Half the time, the number one item on the list will end up being what attracts her/him so much to the new guy. "What the bleep..... She always told me she hated when I played video games, and now she's marrying a video-game producer!! And playing all the time herself?!?"

 

Don't spin yourself or your ego into a topic. Your list is the one that matters, and until you value your list more then anyone else's list, you're basically at another person's mercy, and there are few qualities that are less attractive in a mate.

[Confused7]

I don't know if I'm just making excuses to contact her, or that I am truly to blame for all this and need closure. I do, take full responsibility for the things I did to cause the relationship to go sour, but she also messed up as well.

 

My gut and initial instincts tell me not to call her, because I have nothing else to say other than "everything is my fault." Which is totally not the case. And everytime I rehearse what I'm going to say, it comes out as I think we should get back together. Which I'm not sure I want, nor do I think it will work out.

 

Basically I'd be calling her to say it was all my fault and I've finally changed, but I am not sure I want to get back together (even though u dumped me), and you messed up but I'm not going to get into that. Which sounds like a pointless weird phone call all together. So Confusing! ](*,)

[Brigadoon]

I went through the intense guilt phase too; definitely one of the worst stages. I started a thread to externalise all the things that I felt I had taken for granted or been just downright ungrateful for.

Try it, it really helped me.