Trust/Insecurity Issues

[kitten87]

I have trust issue and security issues. My boyfriend has never done anything to lose my trust, and he is always honest with me. When he goes out I know, when he gets back I know, who he goes out with, I know… and he calls and tells me these things of his own free will. However, I always act irrationally and practically interrogate him… especially when it comes to him being out with girls (in large groups). I am told I am a pretty girl, and my boyfriend tells me all the time that I am beautiful and loves me more than anything, but I still feel so insecure. I keep thinking he’s going to get a little tipsy and things will happen… even though in the four years we’ve been together I’ve never known him once to become flirtatious or promiscuous when drunk, and he’s never done anything to justify my fears. I try to justify them by saying “I don’t trust her, I trust him.” But even as those words come out, I know that if that was true, I would trust my boyfriend to tell the girl that he’s got a girlfriend and isn’t interested. I also don’t like it when he goes out with his guys because I don’t trust his friends at all. I hate when they go out because I fear they’re going to take him somewhere (like a strip club) and things will happen. Even though my boyfriend says he wouldn’t go to a strip club, never has been, and doesn’t plan on going, I still worry about these things. When he’s out I am always afraid he’s looking at girls wishing he had that, and that he’ll leave me. Like I said, I have severe security issues. I’m not bad looking – I just feel plain. Average. Which isn’t bad – I guess, but there are a lot of beautiful women out there and my guy is way above average – smart, handsome, great job, owns his own home, talented, etc. – so I know he’s a great guy. And that is why my issues bother me so much. I want to be able to just relax when I am at home and he is away on business trips, and not worry about something that isn’t going to happen. However, I have that nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me “something could happen!”

 

I know a lot of people would say “if you don’t trust him, break up with him” but that isn’t what I want. He isn’t an untrustworthy person… the problem is solely with me. I just cannot trust anyone. Not even my parents – who, like my boyfriend, have never done anything to lose my trust. I have a problem and have no way of fixing it. I don’t want to be this type of person, and telling myself I am going to change isn’t working. I try, oh I try, but that nagging voice won’t go away. Please help. I am afraid if I don’t get this trust and security thing under control I am going to lose everyone important to me and be alone, and while I have trust issues, I hate being alone.

[jessica911]

i also have that problem too, not sure why, and I think it's hard to change. Like u said u guys been together for four years and u still feel this way,right? same with me, been with my ex for two half years, and still had taht feeling, even now when i'm not even his girlfriend. I tried to change to, but just don't know the right way, if there is one.

[kitten87]

Yeah, we're still together, and I feel after all these years I should trust him, and I do - as much as I can trust anyone. Which is sad, because it isn't a whole heck of a lot. It's not that I feel the whole world is out to get me or anything, it is just that I have that little nagging voice that I mentioned in my previous post. I always find myself asking "Can I honestly trust this person?" I am afraid my trust issues are going to drive us apart. He knows that I have them, and that I am extremely insecure with myself (I at least know where my insecurity issues come from) and he tries to work with them. He tells me (and shows) that he would never do anything to hurt me, and would never do anything my over - active imagination creates, but I still worry. And frankly, it is driving me insane (not literally). I get so mad with myself, and I feel ashamed that I am that girlfriend who calls her boyfriend up to "check up" on him and to let any ladies he might be with at the time know that he is taken, and I always get him to say "I love you". I know I am insecure and I know this is a big problem. I know I am pathetic, but at least I want to change right?

 

I really want to fix myself so that I can happily be in this relationship which has by far been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm afraid I'm going to push him away, and I am scared of that.

[faithful14]

I have this problem too so I completely understand where you're coming from. Whenever that "voice" comes into my head filling it with negative thoughts, I push it into the back of my mind and just do something else to distract myself.

 

The best advice I ever got which helped me get it under control was this: "That you're boyfriend is with you because he wants to be with you. If he wants to cheat, then he will and there's nothing you can do to control it. If he loves you, he won't fall into temptation and cheat on you. You only have control over your own actions.

 

You said that in the four years you have been together, he has never done anything to make you feel like he has been unfaithful. It's hard to do so, but give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to trust him anymore. Your boyfriend sounds like a great man from everything you have written on here, so I wouldn't worry so much : )

[kitten87]

I Your boyfriend sounds like a great man from everything you have written on here, so I wouldn't worry so much : )

 

Oh he is. Absolutely wonderful. Which is why I am so ashamed of myself.

 

I've thought about it in the terms you described. If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat, nothing I can do about it. It is painful to think that, but I know it is true.

 

Do you think it is the fear of being hurt that makes me have these issues? I have about a million and one reasons "why" spinning through my head. It is a jumbled mess up there. What I feel I really need is someone to talk to, but like my posts stated - I have a hard time trusting anyone, and therefore don't really have any close friends.

 

I will try your "ignore the voice" method, but that is something I have trouble doing - especially when I am trying to sleep. It is so hard to shut my mind off, and I am far from mastering it.

[faithful14]

Yes, I think it's fear of being hurt by someone we love that makes us bring up wall and not trust the person. And a lot of people have the same worries also so you're not alone in feeling that way.

[misssmithviii]

I understand where you're coming from all too well, so for the sake of not rambling on and on about why/how/what I've been through to understand where you're coming from I will say this: accept that if someone does something to hurt you, if he does prove to be unfaithful then he proves he is not worthy of you. That's the only thing that keeps my paranoia at bay - I've realized fretting over him being unfaithful is counter-productive and it's actually very insulting because my man is absolutely amazing and is the most thoughtful, selfless, loving and down-to-earth kind of man with the same morals and values that I have. I figure if he turns out to be absolute scum and has the gall and stupidity to cheat on me, then I don't want him anyway. He would be the fool, not me. He would be at fault, not me. He would be the one getting smack-talked for cheating on me.

While I would still have my head up, doing what I love - granted it would hurt, and I do fear the pain - however the comfort in knowing how good of a man he is and how he would be just as hurt to lose me and I would be to lose him, is just barely enough to remind me that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

 

Like Da Vinci said in Ever After, "A life without love, is no life at all..."

[Nixee]

My boyfriend has these same issues with me, and I've never done anything do lose his trust. From being on the opposite end, I can tell you it is devastating. To be interrogated when I've done nothing wrong.... it kills me. When a guy posts on my Facebook, if I want an evening alone... And he doesn't mean it, I know he doesn't... just like you say you don't.

 

I also believe very strongly that it is the fear of getting hurt. My boyfriend has even uttered those words to me a number of times now "just please don't hurt me..."

 

What I have to tell him is that I never wish to hurt him, and I always want to be honest with him. Hurt is something you can't live your life trying to actively fight off though, because in that process you may end up fighting off the pleasure and the good by mistake. Sometimes you have to choose trust where it is earned, and in doing so you make yourself vulnerable. The truth is.. yes, you are open to hurt... but you are also open to a deeper love. Which do you want more... to be open, or to live in fear?

[hexaemeron]

It's very simple. If you trust him, kindly shut up and stop creating problems to feed your paranoia. It really can be as simple as that.

[newsinglegal]

i can relate and i swear it feels like a disease that corrodes any happy times. i have insecurity issues and i usually do create problems because i am afraid of being caught off guard and being cheated on. i am always looking for inconsistencies to say guys are liars and cheaters and i guess it is bec i have been hurt in the past.

 

my current bf is at his wits end and calls me a "buzzkill" bec any time we have a good streak...i always jump on something out of nothing and i end up hurting myself...its terrible and please let me know when you find a solution!

[misssmithviii]

Solution is working on yourself, acceptance and learning the difference between attacking and expressing concern. I've been working on myself for a long time, so if you really want the solution I think you need to start taking steps like I did because in all reality - it is not simple. It's a process of re-wiring your own brain, changing the paranoia-meter back to normal.

 

It has much to do with how confident you are in yourself as well - accepting that if you were to be cheated on, you can move on knowing he/she wasn't right for you and they're the ones who effed up - that you don't NEED that and you deserve better.