Why can't their exes just disappear?

[dragon lady]

Ex girlfriends have caused problems with every relationship I've been in. There have been so many times where I've wished that they would fall off the face of earth so that I didn't have to deal with them. Yes, I'm jealous and insecure. There's no doubt about that. But why can't guys just remove their exes from their lives? Why do they have to put their new girlfriends through this?

 

A few weeks ago I was cleaning out my boyfriend's closet (with his permission) and I came accross of box of old photos of him and his ex who he was with for over 5 years. They broke up about 2 years ago, but from what I can tell they slept together for a while after they broke up. I know I shouldn't have looked and he doesn't care that I did, but I did anyway. I was just curious what she looked like in case we ever ran into her. Oddly, she looks a lot like me, maybe a bit prettier

 

Apparently he hadn't seen her in 6 months and the next day we ran into her. It kind of annoyed me that they were so friendly. Now we run into her all the time because she just moved and got a new job about 2 blocks from where we live. It makes me so freaking uncomfortable! Then last night she called to tell him about the new job and they chatted for about 15 minutes (out of the room, but I could still hear). He was being painfully nice and he neglected to mention that I was with him at the time or that I'd just moved in. Actually, there was no mention of me whatsoever...

 

The good news is that she has a boyfriend. The bad news is that she seems to keep intentionally popping back into his life, even though she knows he has someone new. This is kind of mind boggling for me because I'm not in contact with any of my exes, nor would I want to be. I'd rather leave the pain in the past. In fact, I never even talk about my exes with him. He knows nothing about them, except for the length of time I had been in those relationships. He talks about her a lot, usually in a negative tone.

 

Maybe this is the paranoia coming out, but I can't help but feel like she's still interested in him. They obviously have a lot of history and I'm just a blip in his life so far. On the other hand, I know I shouldn't feel threatened because he's with me, not her, and I know he loves me. It just scares me to think about her weaseling her way back and I don't want to let him know that because it's kind of pathetic. I am pathetic.

[petite]

I understand your frustrations. I think you need to speak with him and tell him you're not comfortable with them being friends. Plain and simple. They don't really need to be friends anyway and especially if you're not comfortable with this. He doesn't have to be rude but he can tell his ex not to call. If they run into each other they can say Hi, but there is really no need to stand there and have a chat or anything more, especially no phone calls.

[dragon lady]

What I don't want is for it to go on without my knowledge. If he sees her on the street and they talk, I want to know about it. I feel that if I tell him they can't be friends, he just won't tell me when they bump into each other. Also, I don't want to get to the point where I start snooping through his phone to see if she's called. At this point I have no desire to do that, but I wouldn't surprise myself if I did it while upset.

 

He knows that her presence bothers me. I've made that very clear. I just don't want to seem like a big baby.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He talks about her a lot, usually in a negative tone

They broke up about 2 years ago, but from what I can tell they slept together for a while after they broke up.

they chatted for about 15 minutes (out of the room, but I could still hear). He was being painfully nice and he neglected to mention that I was with him at the time or that I'd just moved in. Actually, there was no mention of me whatsoever...

 

It is very disturbing when a person talks about their ex constantly and very negatively...because often the negative talk is a cover up for how the person really feels. If he really felt that negative about her he wouldn't have continued sleeping with her after the break up...and he wouldn't have pleasant conversations with her without mentioning you at all. If she is worming her way back into his life it is because he is not doing anything to discourage it. The issue is with your boyfriend and I think you need to express your discomfort with him. You have a right to be disturbed by this. There is no need for her to call him at all. If they see each other on the street a polite hello should suffice.

[dragon lady]

It is very disturbing when a person talks about their ex constantly and very negatively...because often the negative talk is a cover up for how the person really feels. If he really felt that negative about her he wouldn't have continued sleeping with her after the break up...and he wouldn't have pleasant conversations with her without mentioning you at all. If she is worming her way back into his life it is because he is not doing anything to discourage it. The issue is with your boyfriend and I think you need to express your discomfort with him. You have a right to be disturbed by this. There is no need for her to call him at all. If they see each other on the street a polite hello should suffice.

 

Yes, it is very disturbing. My thoughts are, If she's your ex and you're over her, why do you keep talking about her? He will often mention things like how she used to be a heavy pot smoker and never wanted to do anything except lie on the couch, or how she didn't shave her legs, which he thought was gross. Is it necessary to bring this stuff up? Am I supposed to care? If he thought she was so unpleasant, why are they still friendly?

 

I agree that there is no need for her to call him. It seems like she only started doing this AFTER she met me. She didn't want anything to do with him before that...at least not from what I can tell. Now she moves in a few houses down and gets a job not far from his house. Previously she lived quite far away. I get the feeling that we will be seeing a lot more of her.

 

You guys are right that I need to say something. I didn't want to have to, but the tension is going to strangle me if I don't. On the plus side, has said that I have nothing to worry about. I just want to be able to believe it and I'm not sure I can until she is out of the picture.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The thing is you can't force her to leave..and if your bf is still hung up on her then he is not going to listen to you or will find a way to keep in touch without you knowing about it. How does your bf treat you in general?

[dragon lady]

The thing is you can't force her to leave..and if your bf is still hung up on her then he is not going to listen to you or will find a way to keep in touch without you knowing about it. How does your bf treat you in general?

 

He treats me like a queen. I've never met such a loving, sweet man before in my life. If he treated me like crap, I would leave.

 

I'm not even sure if he's hung up on her. She just seems to enter the conversations more than I'm comfortable with. It's her actions that bother me the most.

 

I suppose all I can do is make my feelings known and take it from there.

[penelope13]

5 years is quite some time, i.e. a big junk of history in someone's life. Just because someone is in a loving/ serious (and your relationship does sound quite solid) new relationship doesn't mean he needs a lobotomy to remove all traces of his former romantic path. - It's made him who he is today.

 

It's quite possible (I do realize that I am in the minority with this thought) to look at a person, even an ex, without always seeing their gender.

 

I don't believe that your SO is doing anything inappropriate: he is not hiding that he is in contact with her, he was talking with her on the phone - you could have stepped anytime into the same room.

 

You say that your SO treats you like a queen, is that not all the proof you need that there is nothing for you to worry about?

 

He says negative things to you, yet he stays in touch. - We all know from our own experiences/ lives that emotions are a very complicated thing and that it is entirely possible to have multiple contradicting feelings all at the same time: while he might have very negative feelings about this person as a potential partner, he might like this individual simply as a person. Permit me to say, but I find it a bit paranoid if on one side people believe it's a big no-no if your SO speaks positively of an ex, while when he/she talks negatively about the ex it's also a sign that they are not over them entirely??

[geekgirl4]

If he hasn't given you a reason to be worried (treating you very well), then don't worry about it. You'll only push him away by telling him to drop all contact when nothing is going on between the two (which is what it looks like). It can be terrifying thinking that she might take him away from you but he is his own person. If he is a good guy and loves you, he'll be true. If not, well, honestly, would you really wanna be with someone who's that weak? Be the person who did everything right. If he's a good fellow, he will also do you right. Don't be the person who made everything fall apart when nothing is was falling apart in the first place.