RE: Moving out of my parents

[4ever2gether]

So about a week and a half ago I posted in regards to me wanting to move out and how I was afraid to my mom’s reaction. So here is the update. This weekend (Sunday) my mom asked me if my friend had asked me to move in with her. I told her that yes she had and that I was considering it but not sure and I asked her what her thought was. She of course said she would prefer me to live at home until I finished school, or until she sees that I am renting on my own, or that I am buying a house, getting married and so on. I told her that I had thought about it because I would like the idea of living on my own. She started to say that if I lived with them they would pretty much “have my back” but once living out on my own ”I am on my own.” I told her how much I would like to still come around and be welcomed when I visit, and would love to be able to go to dinner with them when they invite me or if I invited them, and be able to feel loved. I told her I didn’t want it to be like the first time when I was 18 and moved out. She responded that I would be more in the loop if I lived at home then if I didn’t because I know how busy their schedules are. So I guess pretty much I have disappointed her. I am so sad today. I was yesterday because I felt like I ruined her Mother’s Day. I am scared that my mom will disown me. She doesn’t understand why I would want to live out on my own if I have everything I need at home. What she doesn’t know and I am not willing to tell her is that I am a lesbian and that my “friend” is my girlfriend. What should I do? I am so damn depressed. I didn’t mean or want to hurt my parents in any way.

[Speranza]

You didn't ruin her Mother's Day Sweetheart, she chose to ask that day!

 

My daughters are around your age and tbh if your Mother doesn't understand why you need to not be at home, that is her problem, not yours. It is time, whoever you are moving in with, and whatever the relationship (and personally I'd not go into that with her yet, she probably has guessed but it will all be clear eventually and it might be better if it came up at a calmer time).

 

Please try not to feel too low about this. Moving out is a tough time for everyone. Your Mum may have ageing issues or even be at menopause and this is much more emotional for her than you could possibly guess. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

 

If you really want to do all you can, buy her a keepsake (like say a photo frame with a picture of you) and a card with a lovely message in - something along the lines of how much you have always appreciated their support, how you know that they will be aware that at 25 it's way time for you to launch out and that you are grateful for your relationship and hope you can share many happy times ahead.

 

And git the hell out of there! lol

 

Truly, you are not helping by staying there and becoming resentful. She needs to accept that you are an adult. This is a learning curve which is harder for some parents than others, but Sweetheart, it is NOT your responsibility to make her okay about this. She has to do that herself. She may not manage it - all you can do is extend love and be glad you have somewhere to move out to.

 

Don't let this impact your relationship with your girlfriend either. Let her support you, vent for a few minutes from time to time but get on with enjoying your new life.

 

It will all be fine. But stand your ground and do what you need to do - and this is from a Mum. I am proud of you and I don't know you - so stay calm and loving, remember - it may be a high dose of hormones talking out of her mouth!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are 25 years old and it is actually better for you to move out and be on your own at that age. Your mother is just trying some manipulation tactics right now hoping that will make you cave in. Be firm and stand your ground. Once you move out she will eventually come around because she won't want to cut off ties with you.

[KG]

You are 25 years old and it is actually better for you to move out and be on your own at that age. Your mother is just trying some manipulation tactics right now hoping that will make you cave in. Be firm and stand your ground. Once you move out she will eventually come around because she won't want to cut off ties with you.

 

 

I agree. At 25 you're pretty grounded, and mistakes you make you'll learn from. It will be liberating for you, I think.

[4ever2gether]

Well you think she wouldn't want to cut ties with me, but she did once before for three years and didn't talk to me until i came back to living at home. thats one thing I am afraid of. I thank you for your advice, I still plan to move out in July. When should i let my parents know?

[Citlali]

You are 25 years old and it is actually better for you to move out and be on your own at that age. Your mother is just trying some manipulation tactics right now hoping that will make you cave in. Be firm and stand your ground. Once you move out she will eventually come around because she won't want to cut off ties with you.

 

This is quite true. However, there are mothers out there who are more than serious about acting like their kid is dead if they move out. Nevertheless, I'd still go for it, because at 25 you should be able to move out and make your own decisions. I mean, how long can someone let another manipulate them into staying?

 

I would just tell her about it as closest to moving time as possible to avoid the seemingly unavoidable emotional blackmail and animosity that might arise. Then just be cordial, tell them you love them, and move out. You have got to be able to start your own life, be it alone or with your girlfriend, at some point. You're 25 and it's a good time to do that. Good luck.

 

As for telling her you're lesbian, do it whenever you feel like you just can't keep it in anymore. It's not good to have that bottled up inside. I might suggest you tell her right after moving out, but I'm not sure that you'd want to then. The thing is, though, that if you know they're not going to be very understanding about your orientation, there really isn't a prime time to tell them. It just has to be when YOU are ready whether they are or not. Eventually, they will come around, though it might take some time. Good luck there too.

[Speranza]

Well you think she wouldn't want to cut ties with me, but she did once before for three years and didn't talk to me until i came back to living at home. thats one thing I am afraid of. I thank you for your advice, I still plan to move out in July. When should i let my parents know?

 

I have just supported one of my daughters' friends through something really similar. She went back after her mother persuaded her she would 'take care of her' and once back (as I'd warned her) the whole manipiulation, screaming, shouting, nasty business began again. (Sample quote: "Well I'D be depressed if I was YOUR size!")

 

My point being, at 24 she realised she HAD to get out for good even if it meant losing her mother's friendship. Which it did at first, but now she is in touch again. But this young woman was prepared for it never happening - she valued herself too much to give in to blackmail.

[Applewhite]

I don't have the same exact problem, but I had some related issues. I've decided that if I feel embarrassed or scared of revealing my life decisions I have made as a grown adult to my parents, then maybe they need not be involved in my life at that level. If that is their choice, then this is mine. They chose to not respect me and prove that they cannot handle meeting important people in my life or accepting and RESPECTING important decisions in my life on multiple occasions. Therefore I have decided that they are not allowed access to such information.

[arcadefire]

I also had a similar living with the parents situation after I graduated college. After a couple years of that, a lot of shouting, guilt trips, emotional abuse, you name it, I leased a place and around moving out month I told her.

 

Needless to say she was furious. But I truly did not want this kind of relationship with my own mother, one that involved a lot of lying, sneaking, shouting, etc. You should decide what's healthiest for you and make your decision this way. Just remember that you live your life. Don't let anyone else live it for you or make you feel bad for living it.

[4ever2gether]

Hey guys, I wasn't ignoring your responces! I have been so busy working...finally got to check in, I am planning to tell them a week from tomorrow. here is a question for you guys...when i have the last load of stuff out as i leave what should I tell them? isnt' that a bit weird?

[arcadefire]

When I moved out, or was thinking about it, my mom threatened to throw out all of my stuff and throw it all away. So be prepared to move out all your stuff to someone's place as temp storage before you tell your parents in the event this might happen.