After first coffee reconnection meeting..what next ?

[suzylee]

We have had a 6m relationship where we broke up twice (he being the initiator). First time, he came back after 1,5 weeks. Second time he walked off when we were both drunk and had an argument.

 

Met for coffee yesterday, I called him since I was working in the same area and he agreed. It was nice, I kept it light and I more or less ignored his attempt to apologize or start to talk about the past. It felt a bit weird though, he took my hand and said how nice it was to see me again. After the coffee, he invited me for dinner the same day. He called me while I was in a concert (work) and I texted him that I will call when done.

 

I called him later the evening, he sounded stressed but he suggested to have lunch or dinner the next day but he was not sure about his schedule.

 

Well..today, around 15:30 I received a SMS from him, saying : "Sorry..only having lunch just now."

 

I responded 2h later: "No worries..can try again in next days. I ll call you when around."

 

I hope this does not sound too aloof ?? I will be again in his working area on

Wednesday. I m still not clear whether I should call him or not ? Some thoughts please

[uhohlala]

The only thing that seems clear at this point is that he isn't really clear about what he wants. If he were truly determined to win you back, he wouldn't make tentative plans with you that end up falling through because of his flakiness.

 

Don't follow up with him on Wednesday. If he's expecting to hear from you and it matters, he'll follow up with you. He initiated breaking up -- let him initiate getting back together. Don't let one or two promising moves from him put you into the role of chaser.

[suzylee]

Thanks. More thoughts on this please would be helpful..

[geminigirl1234]

Let him be the one to make plans.

He is the one who broke it off, he should plan things with you and win you over again. I would still be very friendly, warm, sweet, just not be initiator.

 

Also, try reading the book by bob grant, get your ex boyfriend back, he gives you a whole "plan" on what to do.

 

There are many really great e books online. Check them out

 

Hope everything works out for you, and just be the beautiful and magnetic woman you are.

[suzylee]

..well, I texted him that I will call when I am around. Unfortunately, this puts me in the role of the initiator...

[suzylee]

hm..decided not to call him up today. I am mad at myself for thinking about it all the time and getting stressed and desperate..which I should not be. I will give this a couple of more days, for him and me to digest the first meeting, the thinking about that "critical second date". And if i still feel like calling him I will do that..

 

What do you think ?

[uhohlala]

..well, I texted him that I will call when I am around. Unfortunately, this puts me in the role of the initiator...

 

Doesn't mean that you have to follow through. If he doesn't hear from you and it really matters to him, he'll get in touch.

 

You can be friendly and nice without being the one who actually initiates. It actually boils down to a simple truth: if seeing you and interacting with you matters to him, he'll make sure that it happens. Just as you would.

[suzylee]

Thanks a lot for your support. I realised that I actually do not wish to contact him..but somehow was trying to convince myself, which made me sleepless and lost. And I am already much better not having to weigh or think about, calling him or not..later or whatever. I will leave it at that, work on my future plan and heal. In a couple of weeks I might look back and think, that it was just a bad bad nightmare..a one nightstand gone wild. ,-)

[suzylee]

..even though I have deleted his number from my cell I cannot stop thinking about texting him. HE is still present, I know he just moved two blocks away from my apartment. Its been 3 weeks now without any contact. Last Saturday I was invited to a BBQ of a common friend of mine, where a lot of other common friends were present. It was more awkward for them then for me then obviously they have not seen him for a month or so either. It was nice, I brought a good friend of mine along and it was a great day but I only stayed 2 h. After I got back home, I was a mess. I could not stop thinking about him and what he was up to...

 

Deep inside I know I need more time to heal. Next week I will be travelling to Europe for 2 weeks. If I come back and still feel the need to contact him, I might do...I know he has pride issues and will not contact me first.

[suzylee]

So..he called. Just when I thought, ok, I am sick of thinking about this guy and boring my friends to death..

There will be a concert this Sunday, a singer from his home country who I really like. He offered some free tickets and asked me how many I would need. I said, well, I was not planning to go but why not. That I would need to ask some friends and that I would come back to him. Other than that, I asked him, if he moved and he is obviously moving back to his old house. Then I said, I really needed to go and said bye.

 

I am trying not to read too much in this... Maybe the concert is not selling well and he has to give away a lot of them. Your thoughts ??

[suzylee]

..I know it sounds like a standard situation. I have still not figured out if I am going, since a lot of my friends seem to have other plans that day already. Sure, I am not going alone to that concert.

 

..so..a little advise is highly appreciated ! Thanks

[rapunzel]

So he's offered you free concert tickets but you won't be going to the show with him or will you? It sounds like he's just giving you tickets but you won't be watching the show with him.

 

If it were me and I could get a few friends to join, I *might* consider it but definitely like you said, would not go alone. I don't think you should get your hopes up by this gesture from him. If he wanted to spend time with you, he would try to spend time with you alone....in my opinion.

 

I agree with the others that you should no longer initiate anything with this guy since he was the one that ended things. Good luck!

[suzylee]

..thanks. After asking around, I decided to call him (or text him ?) that I would really like to go but could not find another interested/available person to go with. And that I would not like to go there alone.

 

But since this concert is embedded in a rather formal/business event, my boss will be attending and since she somehow got to know about my ex she asked whether I can get an additional ticket for her husband..

 

I think I can ask him to do this...what do you think ? And what if he suggests to go to the concert with him ? Please let me know your thoughts.

[rapunzel]

It seems to me that you would have known if he was going to ask you to go with HIM the first time he mentioned the tickets. The fact that this is not clear is troubling, to me. If you are ready to release any expectations that this invitation for free tickets means "something", then go ahead and ask for the extra tickets. I would not get my hopes up about this situation, it just seems unclear from the way you describe it.

 

If you decide to ask for the extra ticket for your boss' husband, and then your ex makes it clear that you are all going to go together, then you really can't back out at that point. Will you be sitting with your boss and her husband?

 

If he asks you to go with HIM, then you can certainly say "yes" but keep your expectations in check - as he may just be doing this a friendly gesture with no intentions of getting back together.

[suzylee]

Well, I called him yesterday and asked him about the extra ticket for my boss husband..he sounded disappointed when I told him that I will not go and asked me twice to come. That there will be a lot of common friends around. I told him that since my boss and her husband are going that it will be weird if I go and sit next to them..or go alone, by mself. After all my boss and I are not friends. He told me he would go there with me but he will have to work at and around the event..

 

Anyway, I asked him how I can get the ticket for my boss' husband. I offered him to send a messenger over or that if it s that inconvenient that I can tell my boss that its not going to work and that she has to pay for the extra ticket. He told me that he can bring it along today if he has time around lunch time. Since he has not called yet (its a Friday afternoon...) I already told my boss that she will have to pay for the ticket..I m not getting a ticket and deliver it to her on a weekend!

 

The thing is that I realised that I am not expecting anything. It is deliberating. If he calls its ok. If not, I am not going to be after him or anything. But I will not take any calls from him anymore since he again turned out to be unreliable (again).

[suzylee]

I guess I was not honest to myself..I am actually quite upset that I trusted him again..I cant believe this, I feel tricked. Why is he offering sth when he does not care about me or or my standing with my boss and in the end not delivering ?? What was this unnecessary action all about ?!? Any ideas ?

[Ms Darcy]

I guess I was not honest to myself..I am actually quite upset that I trusted him again..I cant believe this, I feel tricked. Why is he offering sth when he does not care about me or or my standing with my boss and in the end not delivering ?? What was this unnecessary action all about ?!? Any ideas ?

 

It's possible that he just wants to be friends at this point. He's left you twice in only six months of dating ... this is very worrisome.

[suzylee]

..hm..i m worried about myself, because he makes me think about him more again. He called later the evening, his phone ran out of battery. Very simple. He offered to bring the tickets right over and we met downstairs. It was a bit awkward but I offered him to have a quick drink before I was going out friends. We talked, he kept on asking me to go the concert, asked about my plans etc. After a half an hour we left and he wanted to kiss me goodbye on both cheeks as friends do. At that point I refused, it simply did not feel right to kiss or hug him. But I did. Out of courtesy. Before he took the taxi he said he was missing me. Thats why he wanted to see me. Then I said goodbye and left and he asked me to give him a call if I wanted to see the concert.

 

Lets see how it goes. I decided to go to the concert since he said he will be able to see it with me. I called, he was still sleeping. He said he will have to get awake and give me a call where and when he will hand me over the entrance ticket to the concert hall site. I realised I am not having any expectations, I m cautious as hell. In addition, it seems I do not trust him anymore....

[suzylee]

..well, the concert was amazing, very intense. He has given me a very nice handwritten invitation (jokingly overly formal) with the tickets. Better, he had to put it into my mailboy as I went out until late on Saturday and I told him that I wont be able to meet him. When he called me around 3.30 to ask for the opening code of my house to get to the mailbox I was surprised he still came as I thought he wont be able to make it.

 

On Sunday,We met infront of the concert hall, I went in first because he had to prepare the beginning of the show. He then seated himself next to me and one of his friends visiting in town. He could only stay for half an hour because he had to go back backstage. During the show he had asked if I would be ready to give the singer the flowers at the end...I thought he was joking ! So I declined..

 

He left and we left it open if I will stay until the end of the show or not. I stayed because the concert was specatacular. And because I thought at least I could say thank you and goodbye in person. He called me after the show and asked if I liked the show. And handed me a CD with an autograph of the singer...I was really touched but I did not dare to give him a hug or kiss him. So I just smiled and thanked him.

 

Since he had to take the band out for dinner or drinks I excused myself and said goodbye. No "Lets keep in touch" or sth. It felt final. Or as a goodbye present to a friend.

But some of my friends warned me that it was too much of an effort for a "ex who just wants to be friends". Others told me that some exes are so guilt driven or so eager to keep you around that they would do everything possible.

 

I dont what to think of it...the whole thing was on one hand very very sweet on the other hand I have healed very well and fear to get hurt again. I m in my home country now (I did not inform him about my travel plans).

 

And next Friday will be his birthday (the day I will go back abroad). Should I text him or contact him only again a week later when I will be in his work area again ?? Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks !!

[Ms Darcy]

Should I text him or contact him only again a week later when I will be in his work area again ??!

 

I wouldn't. He knows how to get in contact with you.

[suzylee]

I have not posted here for a long time..after my last post here things with the ex developed pretty fast. After the concert, my vacation and occasional msn chats, we met again and he begged me on his knees to take him back and he told me he loved me. I told him that I am not going to go back with him only to break up again the next day or week or months. He understood and I told him I want to take things slow.

 

We have been dating 2 months now and things have been going very well. Until he told me that he has been a offered a very good job in his home country and town. His contract here in China is going to end by December this year. I told him that he has to make a decision, if this job offer is so attractive that he should consider it. He told me that he would also consider job options in China if they would include better terms than the offer from his home country and because of me.

He also asked me if I would imagine going to his home country and I responded only if I have a job and a place to stay (in fact I love his home country and I have always wanted to go there, I have friends there as well but I did not tell him that yet). He said that it would be difficult, unless I would be wanting to work in an unqualified job.

 

He said he will make up his mind during his 14 days vacation in October. At the end it will be him without a job in China and not me. I told him his decision should be based on what he wants in his life and his priorities and he said he does not know. He said he like me very much and asked me if he is the priority for me. I said he is one of many priorities, but not THE priority. I have the feeling he is not sure if he wants me to relocate because we have just started to date and we are now somehow forced to make a decision on a big step in the relationship because of the circumstances.

 

I have to say I tried not to think about it too much again, just because I know he needs his time and considering our history I decided to wait more and see if he really makes an effort to screen job options here. So far...none.

 

So I told him yesterday that I was also trying to change my frustrating job here and that I sent out some applications. Then I asked him if there were any news and if he was searching for jobs here. He said no and that he was lucky because so far he never really had to look for a job, he was always offered them. He repeated that he thinks he will go with the flow and that it might be relatively easy to find something here for foreign experts like him.

 

I was expecting this and the anxiety and fear kicked in. I have strong doubts now, somehow I think it is very inconsiderate of him not having decided yet and he is still not sure about us and trying to postpone the break up until he has to leave. He left his ex before he left for China.

 

There are moments where I think I should not worry so much about what lies in the future (3 months) but on the other hand I cannot ignore this "expiry date" hanging over the relationship considering our history..

 

What do you think ? Thank you for reading this and please do let me know your thoughts.

[CrapAtNC]

To me, it's simple; it's now time that you two had an honest, sincere discussion about how you feel about each other and what you would like for your future.

[suzylee]

..As I said, I initiated it 2 times. His standard response was: I don´t know. What should I do without pressuring him ?

[SmilingKatty]

Maybe he wants to find out, if you will take some new guy with you?

(ed. - sorry, I have somenow missed the rest of the threat...)

 

BTW - I think, that it surely IS incosiderate of him...

And I think that you shouldn´t move out of your country just because of him... If you break up, what will you do?

[suzylee]

Since China is not my home country either and I am not bound to where I work, I would be more flexible. Even if I would move with him to Europe (the issue is: does he want me to move with him), I would not want to move in with him, I would want my own apartment, job and build my own network of friends. If we should break up than I would not rely on him. I could still go back to my own home country and my family (also in Europe) would be closer to me.

 

My problem is, that I think he is not sure if he is ready for commitment beyond China..but it is killing me and I dont think I can "endure" this until his contract end by this year. What should I do ? Break up again or simply show him my frustration by retreating/withdrawing for a while?

 

Thanks for reading this.