Is being to nice my downfall?

[DelG]

Hi all,

I am just looking for some advice here if possible.

 

I was doing some self reflection the other day, and I have come to the conclusion that I may just be too nice and this is causing the woman in my life to either take me for granted and/or lose respect for me.

 

Let me explain..

I am the kind of guy who will always be behind my woman 100% and support her. I try daily to help her, please her. I tell her everyday I love her always compliment her and try my best to make her feel special.

For example I always open and close the door for her when we get in/out of the car, I carry the shopping, I do the washing up, help with the cleaning do the best that I can generally. When for example cutting Chicken or meat for our dinner (which she has cooked) I ensure she will get the best parts i.e the breast of the chicken the most tender parts of the meat. I bring her flowers home at least twice a month and will go get her something she wants from the shop no matter what time of night.

 

 

I do this not because I feel compelled to do so, or because I am insecure, but because I want to.

 

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OFF TOPIC BUT - FOR THOSE WHO HAVE READ MY PREVIOUS POSTS (She is to me my whole world.. despite what has happened in the past for those who have read my threads we have worked through our issues and I have come to understand her past life and I guess if I love her I have to accept her past and put it behind us.)

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However lately I am feeling somewhat taken for granted, I am thinking its my own fault.. She seems withdrawn lately and I get this feeling that she doesn't really care what I do.. I know I have already said that I want to do these things but its not nice when you make an effort and nothing is given back or not much at all.

 

I am having difficulty dealing with her almost 70% drop in affection and closeness and again I wonder if its because she sees me as weak or just too nice to bother with. When we first met I was obviously guarded and played hard ball - but still did 50% of the things I do now and she seemed to be almost obsessed with me. Now I don't expect her to carry that on for one minute but it does ache a little to go from 100% to almost 30% just because we are engaged or whatever reason it could be.

 

I just don't understand I myself have thought that as our relationship has progressed so has my love for her and I have grown and am growing as partner in a forward upwards motion where as I feel she has dropped off slightly..

 

I am not questioning her love but its just hard when all the little things she used to do for me and say have just stopped.. I am not one bit upset for what I do, that's how I am.. id do it anyway but it just hurts when your SO seems to not care or appears to not care as much.

 

Am I just too nice to her, should I step back a little, or will she then feel Like I do. She can be very hard nosed and act as if she does not care which I feel will just make the problem bigger. I have tried talking but I don't think she gets it. I feel like she acted to reel me in and now she has dropped the act its like she has taken away some of what I fell in love with her for.. I don't know its just so unsettling..

I feel like i am not special to her anymore, like I am just there and worst of all I feel like it will get worse.. I have asked her do I smother you, is there anything I am doing wrong?? She knows Ill ask and knows in a relationship I need clarity and is happy I ask the questions.

 

But the drop off in affection and just the feeling I have that she is either bored of me or is like I don't have to try anymore is kind of hurting me a lot, and she seems to have really got bad at communication lately. I just cant pin-point what is going on.

 

Any advice please and thanks for reading.

[quirky]

Hi DelG

 

To answer your question, yes, there is no need to be so "nice". You may not think it is out of insecurity but in most cases it is. With your attitude your gf feels like she can get away with everything. You're not being equal partners. Talking about it doesn't change much, actions speak louder than words. I really think you should find a balance where you can both give equally.

 

I think the thread below might help you understand a few things

 

 

[Brigadoon]

Personally I think that your behavior when taken as a whole denotes a slight lack of self esteem or a least the appearance of it. You also seem to be treating her a little bit like a child ie making sure that she is well looked after.

Stop stressing and overall stop applying percentages to your relationship; we all go through periods where we need a bit of space and what you perceive as being nice may well be misunderstood as being controlling or smothering her.

Relax, step back and go read up on push/ pull theory and bear in mind that you constantly doing all these things for her may well be leaving no space in the day for her to do nice things for you! This can become a habit in a relationship so you may have to ease out of this.

Most importantly STOP ASKING WHAT'S WRONG! I can't stress this enough, you WILL end up conjuring up problems out of nowhere because you'll start planting seeds in her head and that way madness lies.

You sound like a lovely guy but I think that overall you have to spend a bit more of that loveliness on you; I've always noticed that the people I know who have truly successful relationships are the people who naturally (in a nice way) put themselves first. They are the easiest people to interact with because they are clear about what they want and what is acceptable to them.

[Shallow]

I'm bad about this too.

 

You say it's not because you're insecure, but because you want to. The fact that you were self-reflecting in the first place contradicts this.

 

I feel like the only way I can get/keep a woman is by being "nice". I'm not clingy, I do my own thing, and can even be a little distant at times (which is probably a bad combination in and of itself). It never works, and I have 41 years of loneliness to prove it.

 

I've found the best couples tend to be the ones who give and take, have opposing views, arguments, etc. It's about being passionate, not necessarily being nice. Unfortunately, I can't tell you how to do this . . . as I'm still working on it myself (well, not really, but I suppose I should be).

[DelG]

Ok thanks for the input thus far.. So How do I turn this around people? I cant just pull back on a whim or Ill surley damage the relationship? Whats the best way forward now?

 

 

Thanks for the constructive input... I can clearly see some really good points here.

Thanks

[Hermes]

Del:

 

I am not so sure at all if the fact of being nice or less so is really the issue here.

This concerns Me:

 

but it does ache a little to go from 100% to almost 30% just because we are engaged or whatever reason it could be.

 

Sounds horribly like the "idealization/devaluation" phase so typical of certain mindsets.

 

And this, to me, is unsettling (because I know all about it):

 

I feel like she acted to reel me in and now she has dropped the act its like she has taken away some of what I fell in love with her for.. I don't know its just so unsettling..

 

Same as above: idealization/devaluation.

 

Take care.

H.

[DelG]

Del:

 

I am not so sure at all if the fact of being nice or less so is really the issue here.

This concerns Me:

 

 

 

Sounds horribly like the "idealization/devaluation" phase so typical of certain mindsets.

 

And this, to me, is unsettling (because I know all about it):

 

 

 

Same as above: idealization/devaluation.

 

Take care.

H.

 

What do you mean by this?

[Ms Darcy]

DelG,

 

I think you need to read this coming from another poster. What you think of as loving came feel smothering and I think you need to see what someone who is receiving all of that might feel. Let us know if any of it applies to you.

[DelG]

DelG,;;I

 

think you need to read this coming from another poster. What you think of as loving came feel smothering and I think you need to see what someone who is receiving all of that might feel. Let us know if any of it applies to you.

 

 

Hey Ms Darcy,

How have you been?

 

Well I am not sure, that all of that applies to me. dont pull her card on somethings because I guess I tend to rate things of importance to me. So for example I really like air crashes investigations but if it conflicts with her programme I just let her have the TV.. This is not because I'm scared to say no, but Ill just go do something else its that important to me and its always repeated.. I really don't know.... You see I believe in being constant i.e I hate it when people say to us...."oh you 2 love each other so much, but it will all change" She comments that people are jealous of our love... I just do not want to end up the situation where I am looking back thinking I really let her go because I got comfortable although it happens to some degree. However I am not obsessive over he, We both work, we have different interests etc..

 

One thing which i have raised with her lately is that every night and I mean every night for the last 3 months straight we have gone to bed together (this is not about sex) she barley says goodnight or anything, she just grabs her iTouch and surfs the NET or goes on eBay..

 

Now I do not expect a bed time story or anything but at the very least some kind of good night or basic interaction. Again this was never the case before and yet this another what I see dramatic change.

 

EDIT***

She has not raised any of the above quoted post to me, infact worringly she seems to be indifferent to it. I think it is sad that the gift of somebody loving you can be seen as weak or boring, becuase I know from both sides of the coin you will very much miss it when its gone, but whatever. If I sit at the computer or do something else she will sometimes say "what you got no love for me" its a joke that we have but it seems strange that she says that, its almost like she is saying it for me, or just wanting my attention..??

 

in any case how do I pull this round..?

Thanks

[Hermes]

Again this was never the case before and yet this another what I see dramatic change.

 

Exactly, a dramatic change.

 

You ask re the idealization and devaluation cycle (which is what you are experiencing).

 

You said she acted in a certain way to "reel you in" (idealization) and now, as I gather from your posts, she is in devaluation mode.

 

H

[DelG]

Exactly, a dramatic change.

 

You ask re the idealization and devaluation cycle (which is what you are experiencing).

 

You said she acted in a certain way to "reel you in" (idealization) and now, as I gather from your posts, she is in devaluation mode.

 

H

 

so what is the long term prognosis? Do I get devalued till I give up or do I need to go on the push pull or what?

Thanks

[geekgirl4]

I think living your own life might help. It's really wonderful that you're doing all these things for her but it seems like everything you do in life is for her. What about yourself? As attractive as it is to have someone this attentive, it's also attractive to know that your partner has their own life and own interests separate from themselves. You should be a person with their own discernible personality and interests, not someone who lives solely for that partner in everything they say or do. It's not a matter of you being too nice, it's a question of whether you and your partner are unique people to each other.

 

What do you do in your conversations and freetime? Is most of it spent catered to her?

[Brigadoon]

I think living your own life might help. It's really wonderful that you're doing all these things for her but it seems like everything you do in life is for her. What about yourself? As attractive as it is to have someone this attentive, it's also attractive to know that your partner has their own life and own interests separate from themselves. You should be a person with their own discernible personality and interests, not someone who lives solely for that partner in everything they say or do. It's not a matter of you being too nice, it's a question of whether you and your partner are unique people to each other

 

What she said #-o

[DelG]

What do you do in your conversations and freetime? Is most of it spent catered to her?

 

We talk about loads of different things from politics - to whats going on in my video games (She sometimes like watching me play them, when they are SciFi based) We talk about lots of stuff like our planned wedding. It could be anything, even tv shows, her or my family anything..

 

Generally on the weekend we do stuff together. I am very spontaneous and will decide on a whim and ask her out. Sometimes I try and make it like a date, or sometimes I just say "hey, do you fancy a movie and dinner, or a long drive to the country and a PUB lunch" (We are in the UK). Depends really.

 

She does like her home time and thus most of the time she declines, but she has been like this since I met her, she is in her own words a more "Home Person"

[Hermes]

I am having difficulty dealing with her almost 70% drop in affection and closeness

 

Well, Del, it is up to you.

 

And, push and pull belong in a tug of war. Maybe give and take would express it better. But the proportion doesn't look so good with you giving the greatest % and she very litt.e

 

H

[geekgirl4]

In your conversations, when she tries to make a point or has a certain opinion, do you always go along with it? Or do you happen to agree with her on it? There's a difference between being two people aligned in the same opinions and one person always following what the other person says.

[DelG]

In your conversations, when she tries to make a point or has a certain opinion, do you always go along with it? Or do you happen to agree with her on it? There's a difference between being two people aligned in the same opinions and one person always following what the other person says.

 

We are aligned on most things, but If she says something I disagree with, I will say I don't agree, and will stick to my guns and defend my position.

[H20]

Yep..having someone like this SEEMS ideal, but rarely works out that way.

 

Most people tend to gravitate towards partners who are in some way like their mom or dad...and how that parent treated them. Unfortunately, many times it is the parent who ignored them a lot or was not around. So in essence theyare attracted to partners who are emotionally distant or 'unavailable' in some way. I used to think this was a bunch of crap..until I realized I was doing it myself.

 

What were your gf's parents like? How was her relationship with her dad? Believe it or not, this will tell you so much more than you think.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with what you are doing. Making small simple adjustments might be good, but you are who you are. This girl simply may not be the girl for YOU...but there IS a girl who would be over the moon for a guy like you. It should not be so much work to BE with someone.It should feel right and natural. So don't beat yourself up.

[DelG]

Her dad is distant and is not really there for her.. Crazy really becuase neither of my parents were there for me, my mum left me at my grandmothers house when i was around 10 or 11 years old and said she would be back, but never did come back.

 

I dont crave this emotional disconnect however, Maybe I crave a more needy releationship. However I am aware of this flaw and I tone it right down. I dont know, but I have thought about this.

[Ms Darcy]

I can't help but notice that you keep saying that she doesn't appreciate you, that you are giving her a gift, that she's devaluing you. Do you treat her like she should be grateful to be with you?

[DelG]

I can't help but notice that you keep saying that she doesn't appreciate you, that you are giving her a gift, that she's devaluing you. Do you treat her like she should be grateful to be with you?

 

No Mrs Darcy not at all. I think Its hard for you to understand what I am trying to portray without it possibly sounding as you think.

 

Personally for me its hard to deal with the almost 180 degree change in her affection levels towards me. And Yes I do feel underappreciated some times. However I am not wet behind the ears and realise that this happens in all relationships but I guess I have not experienced this feeling along with other changes.

 

I think you have an issue with somebody feeling as I do, and I think you need to try understand that it just that a feeling, its not a feeling of "I am so great you should kiss where I walk", but more a feeling of loss and fear.

 

When things don't go well or change quite a lot to the point where you really notice, and asking reveals no answers one questions one self and ones behaviour. I know I am no easy person to get along with at times, and I can be hard work in all aspects.

 

However I also know that I am sensitive to change and I can pick up change easily. Now this not mean that any change maybe bad but in the short term possibly through my own insecurities or just my nature I feel a change and naturally I want to work through it or by asking on this forum I want find my own flaws and right them.

 

I am sure many men and women on this forum feel what I feel, its not about thinking that my SO is lucky to be with me (For the record: I feel we are both lucky to have each other) but like anything when one feels a change or feels that their SO has changed towards in a way that is not what they are used to, then it can be scary. I guess I have said a lot of what I do and not so much of what she does.