Warning about NC

[intolerable]

A lot of of people here in ENA advocate NC, including me. We always tell people (mostly those who have recent break-ups) to use NC solely for healing, not for getting your ex back, and here's an example why:

 

I recently learned that my ex, whom I've been broken up for 2 years now, is very bitter about the fact that I refuse to talk or respond to any of his messages, to the point that whenever his friends would break-up with their significant other he would say that they would do the same thing I did to him. When I learned about this, I suddenly remembered all the things he did just to annoy the me.

 

Anybody else would like to contribute so that people will be reminded that NC should be used for healing?

[d_lilah]

I don't know if it's along the same sort of lines, but my ex (dumper) didn't reply to any of my messages, despite a promise to stay friends. NC was never discussed - before coming here I didn't know about the concept - but his refusal to respond to my THREE messages (I wouldn't call my efforts to reconnect in any way ott) certainly left a lot of bitterness on my part and left me feeling like he didn't care for me at all.

 

I have now adopted NC, but that is more because of pride and realising I don't want him in my life anymore (but he has not attempted contact in any way since the breakup).

 

NC may heal yourself, but it can damage what little of a relationship you have left, especially if the reason for it is not properly explained. But every situation is different.

[lolgirl]

I don't know if it's along the same sort of lines, but my ex (dumper) didn't reply to any of my messages, despite a promise to stay friends. NC was never discussed - before coming here I didn't know about the concept - but his refusal to respond to my THREE messages (I wouldn't call my efforts to reconnect in any way ott) certainly left a lot of bitterness on my part and left me feeling like he didn't care for me at all.

 

I have now adopted NC, but that is more because of pride and realising I don't want him in my life anymore (but he has not attempted contact in any way since the breakup).

 

NC may heal yourself, but it can damage what little of a relationship you have left, especially if the reason for it is not properly explained. But every situation is different.

 

Agreed! I too sent my ex three texts since our breakup a month ago, to see how he's dealing with his "stress"...(pssh, like no one else has stress in their lives??) Anyways, he ignored me and I'm going to be honest, it has left me a little bitter. Like I feel like he's holding our breakup against me, even though he has made it clear that he is the one with the issues! But I don't let it get me down...in my heart, I know I'm the caring one. I have no intentions of trying to get back together with him, but one day, he'll realize that I cared about him. And by then, I will have completely moved on with my life!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

A lot of of people here in ENA advocate NC, including me. We always tell people (mostly those who have recent break-ups) to use NC solely for healing, not for getting your ex back, and here's an example why:

 

I recently learned that my ex, whom I've been broken up for 2 years now, is very bitter about the fact that I refuse to talk or respond to any of his messages, to the point that whenever his friends would break-up with their significant other he would say that they would do the same thing I did to him. When I learned about this, I suddenly remembered all the things he did just to annoy the me.

 

Anybody else would like to contribute so that people will be reminded that NC should be used for healing?

 

A dumpee has to accept the decision of the dumper who no longer wants a romantic relationship with the dumpee. The dumper therefore has to accept the fact that the dumpee might want to have nothing further to do with someone who rejected them. If the dumper is upset about that, aww shucks...they don't call the shots with everything.

[Keyman]

For myself, NC is a healing process at the beginning of a relationship and should not be a permanent stand in all cases. What I mean by that is, part of the healing process often involves contact further down the track.

 

NC is very important, in my opinion, as continued communication can result in the healing being constantly stalled. In my case, every time I saw her I felt like I'd been run over by a train and had to start all over again.

 

Sometimes NC is useful if your partner just can't let go and continues to contact because they can't help themselves, they feel the need to explain something or the good ole, just want to stay friends. Often they persuade themselves that they can move on with you in their lives, but they are doing themselves more harm than they think. Yes, they may get peeved that their ex stops all contact, but often tough love is the better option for both parties.

 

While I am a strong advocate for NC, I do think that in most cases the intention to go NC should be stated, and contact should not be ignored without doing so.

[Keyman]

Anyways, he ignored me and I'm going to be honest, it has left me a little bitter.

 

If he is trying to deal with his own stress after the break up, trying to smile and deal with not having you in his life anymore (even for a dumper) then receiving a message from you may cause him to go from doing okay to having a crap day. one message is all it can take, one sighting from accross the road.

You get bitter because he doesn't respond. He gets bitter because you send it in the first place.

[Starbourne]

If he is trying to deal with his own stress after the break up, trying to smile and deal with not having you in his life anymore (even for a dumper) then receiving a message from you may cause him to go from doing okay to having a crap day. one message is all it can take, one sighting from accross the road.

You get bitter because he doesn't respond. He gets bitter because you send it in the first place.

 

This. ^

 

 

Coming from a dumpee's perspective (since i am one), contact from the ex is painful and makes old wounds feel raw again. The only reason dumpers should contact the dumpee is for specific reasons that need to be dealt with (i.e. money, returning stuff etc), or reconciliation.

[lolgirl]

If he is trying to deal with his own stress after the break up, trying to smile and deal with not having you in his life anymore (even for a dumper) then receiving a message from you may cause him to go from doing okay to having a crap day. one message is all it can take, one sighting from accross the road.

You get bitter because he doesn't respond. He gets bitter because you send it in the first place.

 

I can understand that. I was the dumper because he said he doesn't know what he wants right now and he doesn't see himself with me. I know he's going through a lot right now, and thats why my messages are very sporadic, like once every two weeks.

 

I know he probably gets annoyed when I send him a text message once every couple of weeks. That's his issue, not mine. Emotionally...in my heart, I've already taken the steps in distancing myself from him. When his "stress" fog clears down the road, in months or years, I'll be long gone. He'll wish I even gave him the time of day.

[j.love]

lolgirl let go of the bitterness its very obvious that you still harbor resentment toward your ex. if you truly want to move forward you need to let it go. i say this with love and respect because you remind me of me a few years ago when i broke up with my then BF.

 

It seems as if you broke up with him to teach him a lesson. As a way to show him what life is like without you. Even though he said he didn't know what he wanted, he probably wasn't expecting you to dump him. Not saying what you did was wrong, it seems like it was the best thing for you to do.

 

But I think you want him to respond to you, when you try to contact him. That you want him realize what he has missed by not committing to you. You have to respect that he may not feel this way even though you want him too.

 

I think you should break away from him and leave it alone. Focus on yourself right now and how you can move forward with your life. Good luck with everything and I'm rooting for you!

[lolgirl]

I do resent him in some ways, but I also want to move on. I've never dumped a guy I cared about so much. I've learned from my past experiences and I've been through this before with past relationships, so I'm not surprised he's not responding. In a month, I've already made huge steps in moving on with my life. I honestly do feel sorry for him, but I also do know from my past experiences with guys, that his behavior is indicative of not wanting to be with me.

 

Thanks for your support. For the first time in my life, when it comes to broken relationships, I know I'll be ok.

[j.love]

i'm glad lolgirl. i feel the same way about my situaiton....like i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. best of luck to you

[lolgirl]

i'm glad lolgirl. i feel the same way about my situaiton....like i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. best of luck to you

 

Agreed! I have never felt so optimistic about life! Of course it goes in waves, but for the most part, I know there's a greater purpose as to why I met the ex, and why we ended up not working out. It's all about looking for that reason...and so far, in the past few weeks, I've done things in my life that I probably would have never done while we were together...and probably even before we even met! Its a nice feeling to know that through all the BS, there is a greater purpose. Good luck to you too!

[intolerable]

A dumpee has to accept the decision of the dumper who no longer wants a romantic relationship with the dumpee. The dumper therefore has to accept the fact that the dumpee might want to have nothing further to do with someone who rejected them. If the dumper is upset about that, aww shucks...they don't call the shots with everything.

 

I feel you, Crazyaboutdogs. It's as if suddenly the dumper expects the dumpee to go all saint-mode and just take all the pain from someone who rejected them.

 

I think lolgirl is a good example of one way a dumper (I'm sorry if that term insults you, lolgirl) could react to NC. It's a gamble, really. They can either miss you and try to reconcile, or resent you for not responding.

[TSandullo]

I must admit, the two times I initiated NC in my life, I did have my doubts.

The main concern was pushing her away and killing all hopes of reconciliations.

 

However, what other option did I have?

Remain in contact and allow our 'relationship' to slip into a platonic state?

Stick around and see her feelings for the new guy develop?

And other things.

 

I would prioritize one over the other as follows:

My healing > reconciliation

 

NC, as the best term I can use to describe my distance from her, was the best option.

Sticking around would not have helped. My healing and emotional state would have been severely impaired.

 

She knows I am a caring individual and certainly not malicious.

 

In all honesty, though I am not banking on it for my emotional fulfilment, there is a high chance of me and my ex getting back together based on the relationship we had and other factors as well as some of the things she has said to me.

 

Whether NC is damaging that chance of reconciliation, it is a risk I am willing to take.

 

TS