wibble Posted May 8, 2010 Share Posted May 8, 2010 Hi, I'm looking for a little help and would appreciate any advice, it's a bit long so thanks in advance f or reading. Relationship Background I've been dating a girl (aged 30) me (aged 29) for the last 2 years, from end Jan 2010 we kind of stopped speaking regularly end Jan / Early Feb. We met through work as she works at a customers site (I'm a contractor) and started dating pretty much when she first started approx 2 years ago, we are both quite personal & private people so decided so keep things low key & didn’t tell anyone within the work c ircle. I would describe our relationship as serious, loving, fun, understanding & built on a great friendship. The intimate side of Things, kissing, sex etc was great too, I'm a laid back kind of guy so we didn’t argue or fall out at all. We had a great time together, and would speak at least a few times a day & see each other at least daily or every few days, we would do day to day stuff, eat sleep together too, maybe 3-4 days a week. Break-up (early Feb 2010) I borrowed some money off her when I lost my wallet and although I sent her a few sms messages during the following weeks, I didn’t really get much response from memory, this may have been down to the fact over xmas whilst I was ill with Flu she came round, was a bit upset we hadn’t spent much time together over the festive season, and kind of stormed off saying, "you're not bothered & I love you" March - Mid April 2010 Had very little contact with her, saw her a few times at work, and a maybe a txt message every 2-3 weeks coming from her, asking if I was ok, no rush but could do with sorting the money out etc (I have told her all along the money is here just pop round to collect it when she's ready, but she did'nt). Not seen her at work more than a couple of times during this period, would always have a quick chat, nice & light as was'nt sure what was happening with us, and it can be awkward talking at work. End April 2010 This is when I had alot more regular contact from her, she asked if I could sort the money out, I said yeah no problem, I suggested lets meet up too, I was keen to sort things out, I suggested having a drink/meal etc to which she did'nt seem too keen or was busy. I met up with her about 2 weeks ago, gave her the money at work, from this point on there was no need for her to be in touch anymore, the week end of April we met up quite a few times, few drinks & to catch up etc I asked her over & she said yes all normal and good time spent together. I asked her if she had been seeing anyone & she said she had over the past month & half, I was'nt too taken a back by this as I know people move on, she explained she thought I was gone for good, I made it quite clear I would like to see her and see if we can sort things out between us. She explained again how much she has missed me & still loves me. Saturday May 1st I wanted the chance to talk about things & wanted to do it face to face, anyway she came to my house we had a really good heart to heart, quite emotional, I explained how I felt about her directly and where I would like us to go together, I explained how we had how much I had missed her, our friendship & how much I loved her etc, she said all right things & we were really loved up together. Last Saturday she came over again, we ended up having pretty heavy kisses & some good sex. So I thought cool job done back on track, we had talked about the 2 things that had caused the issues, and had time to reflect on our relationship & felt it was well worth sorting out, a real shame if we did'nt as it was very special. Issues from her to me 1. Me being too relaxed & appearing not bothered 2. Her not knowing how I felt, I told her actions speak louder than words but told her I was in love with her.... and said the words. I also explained to her, we should have a good summer together & look at getting a place together end of the year (I have a house she also has a house under rennovation), we've always laughed & joked about getting married & having kids, I explained to her I was fully committed to this too & she agreed & was very happy. After I took her home Saturday, I suggested we meet up again the next few days, she agreed. May 2nd - 3rd The next couple of days she kind of blew hot & cold with me, I was quite confused, and she pretty much ignored my messages. I let her know I would come into her work on the 4th if she carried on ignoring me , if she did'nt want to progress reconciliation, she just needed to tell me face to face. May 4th I arrived at her work as agreed and asked her directly if we are ok, she has had time to think, she starting to cry and said she still wanted to sort things out and meant everything said on the 1st May. I asked her to meet me after work & we would talk further. We had some nice meaningful hugs & kisses & I left. I met her after work as agreed, we went to have a drink out in a nice quiet pub & loads of hugs, kisses etc basically talked about things further, pretty much same conversations as on the 1st but abit more detail, bit more relaxed, but still nice and fun too to give a balance & also chatted about 'normal' things too. We then headed back to mine for some food and more hugs / kisses but no sex I dropped her off back at work approx 22:00 as she needed to do some paperwork for the following day, as we got there she said she wanted to tell me who he had been seeing... She has been seeing a guy who works at her work but at a different office nearby, I also work there as a 3rd party and know him to get on well with, she has been seeing him for the last 6-8weeks and she has been having sex with him, I asked her if she had been with him sexually since me on the 1st and she said yes on Monday 3rd, so this is why she has gone / hot / cold with me. I explained I was shocked, he was'nt the sort of guy I would recommend my sister dating for instance, he seems to have been with most of the female staff & doesn’t have any long term relationships etc. I explained I knew it must of been difficult but she felt it was important she told me in case I found out. Incidentally he had been trying to call her all night whilst we were together, she told me. We talked further about to handle things the best way from here with him, she said she would call him now let him know we were sorting things out, she loved me etc to minimise upset. I told her I would leave her by her car so she could do it in private without pressure from me & to just let me know she was home ok & we would meet the following day for lunch / or in the evening after work. I got a message about 23:15ish from her that night saying "night xxx m'wah" I sent a quick one back saying see you tomo etc. I then went to see a friend of mine who has been helping me sort, and talk about things, he suggested we go past her mum & dad's house & see if she's at home or at his. So we did and guess what she was at his house, no lights on etc. I left her a voicemail saying I'm really confused & disappointed after everything we had talked about, I assumed she has made the call & he's asked her to go round to talk which is why she ended up there, Naturally I was shocked & annoyed, I also sent him a message telling him everything that has happened but in a nice fair way as to not rock the boat. May 5th I sent her a message about 09:00 asking if she could explain what was going on as I was struggling to understand her actions. I got a delivery report to the message I sent him at about 09:30, she was meant to be at work at 09:00 that day. At about 10:30 I got a telephone call from her whilst I was having a bath, she was very upset & crying. I asked here why she was'nt at work, she said she had called in sick, I've never known her to do that. I asked her to answer my questions from the txt I sent at 09:00 but she did'nt say anything, I got the impression I was on speaker phone, so I asked her if she was still there with him she said yes. I said ok as you can't talk now shall we meet up later, she said she couldn’t, I asked her just tell me why, & she just said "Because I Love - his name" it sounded quite forced and not like her. I thought I've given you plenty of chances to tell me before now why do this. I assumed she was under pressure or some sort of ultimatum from him as he was there, so as I was quite upset I ended the call with I’m sorry, love you loads to which I got back a "me too" from her although it may have been inbetween my I’m sorry & love you loads rather than after. That's it so far!, heard nothing since almost 4 days on and have had no contact with either of them. I was expecting at the very least a reply back from him as we know each other have mutual friends and work at the same place. Even a peace message along the lines of, I'm sorry mate we're together now, don’t want to fall out etc would have been nice, but I had nothing, I assume he was angry, annoyed, upset etc. What do I do from here?... I've been speaking with some of my friends, their advice varies from 1. Dont ever speak to her again etc (I may have to see her at work sometimes, I can send someone else) 2. Just let her know I'm here for her, short and sweet say nothing else. 3. Just be normal when I see here do not discuss things at all, she will expect me to talk about things! 4. Go and see her at work / home and ask her point blank something along the lines " I need too know for me face to face, are we finished for good.. Yes or No?" This will help with closure. 5. It won't last as she has basically cheated on him with me, he knows this now as I told him in the message, so keep the door open incase I decide we should give it another go. 6. Send someone else in to her work instead of me, drop off the radar, forget about her as dificult as it is. 7. Speak with one of her mutual work friends who knows all the above Any ideas how I should present myself to him or her in the work environment as I'm quite confused, she's been very honest at times with me yet very dishonest at others and I will need to sort out some work at her office next week so would like to be prepared mentally I'm also struggling to come to terms with the fact she's in love with someone else after such a short time... maybe rebound relationship? I'm obviously really upset as I've lost my girlfriend, and a very good / best friend (I've told her this) & I would still stand by everything I have said with regards getting back together properly or is this the time to knock it on the head for good?, no idea why she's done what she's done?! Thanks for reading and any advice or thoughts you can give me Wibble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 8, 2010 Share Posted May 8, 2010 I'm sorry to hear this.. As I know thisnis tough because my scenario is the same as yours except I don't know the guy and I wasnt supportive I was pretty hurt so I went nc after she strung me along. The best I Can tell u is she made her choice and it's pretty clear! U need to be the adult and move on! Go nc and heal! That's the solution don't worry about what she's doing or what u think she feels and what u know or how u knew her because she is not that person anymore... That's why things are going like this. I didn't want to hear it when they told me nc was the way to go and the truth is if it's meant to be she will come back and when she does u need to be ready. Either way nc works because even if she doesn't come back your still golden Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coolchick64 Posted May 8, 2010 Share Posted May 8, 2010 It seems like this is where you have to leave it for now. I wouldn't contact her anymore or ask questions. It does seem like a rebound r/s and she sounds confused, so there may be more developments. But I personally wouldn't engage with someone who was involved with another guy. Until she's free again, you two don't have anything to discuss. As far as seeing her at work, it depends on your own comfort level. I wouldn't talk about the relationship if you see her, but whether you go at all, or act normal or curt when you see her . . . totally up to you and how you're feeling at the time. The best stance to take is somewhat detached, I think. You'll lose her respect if you say you'll always be there for her. Just let it go for now. If she decides she wants you back, she knows where to find you. You won't be closing the door. But you should be thinking about whether you'd want her back and what it would take to make this situation okay for you, should the opportunity arise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wibble Posted May 9, 2010 Author Share Posted May 9, 2010 Hi guys, Thanks for the replies, I'm going to try & get on with things as normal, I'm going to try and do the work thing & remain professional, just have the bare minimum contact, if it upsets me too much I'll have to have a re-think, I suppose if I dont say anything about us to her I'm leaving the pressure off which can only be a good thing regardless of what may happen. I've said everything I can, she knows how I feel so no point going over it again right now. I think she has been off work all week too, which is very unusual too. I dont want to shy away by sending anyone else in to work, and suppose it also removes the out of sight out of mind if I'm not around anymore. I did my very best so lets see what happens from here!! Cheers Wibble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 Yeah.. There's not really much you can do and besides she basically cheated on you to your face... That really isn't someone I would want to be with. I know it's tough because I'm in the same limbo your in but you just gotta focus and move forward... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 By the way welcome to the forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wibble Posted May 9, 2010 Author Share Posted May 9, 2010 Thanks alot I'm wondering if I should see her best friend early next week who has been on holiday - just let her know i'm worried about my ex & nothing else?. It's really tough to deal with, as I've done alot of soul searching & from my point of view we're great together, just wished she realised that too, it would really cheer me up massively!. I'll just have to play it by ear when I see her next, it really depends on the body language etc no point 2nd guessing at this stage, she may be off with me, walk away from the situation or stay put... who knows. It's going to be awkward when I see her I know that as she will probably be nervous on how I will act , what I may say etc, maybe th ebest thing to do is nothing & just be myself as much as possible - thats the plan now but I'll wait & see how it goes next week when it comes to the crunch. Good luck with your issues by the way! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 U sound like me 3 months ago. If u run into her just be polite and u don't owe her anything so just stay cool. I would cut all ties with her friends because she will know everything you said. I would suggest just dissapearing it really works. The person that got left behind never wants to hear it, we think we can change them and we will show them blah blah blah but all we really do is push them away and end up getting hurt. Look... love is hard to find and you have all the advantages. Let her go out and have fun with her rebound, you really don't know what could happen. Tomorrow is a new day and she could come back or she could call you! You never really know until you leave the picture. The longer you stay the new reasons you give her to leave because she will only be confused... I begged, pleaded and everything went from bad to worse.. Then I started to eat, sleep andb work again and she texts me, drive by my work, has a gps on my phone and even emailed me yesterday... The problem is she had her chance and now I want out. This 15 th I get my challenger and she's been bugging and asking about it... Well guess what?! Now I want my space.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 The right friends will help u get through this... I guess it's time to see who really is your friend.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wibble Posted May 9, 2010 Author Share Posted May 9, 2010 Cheers LC, good look with the Challenger by the way I just picked up a kawaska zx6r the other day to cheer me up, it's not really worked but will in time i'm sure!. I've been thinking again about this all night, should I do this, say that etc, like most women I'm sure she's the same & won't forget what I've said & really what a nice guy I am, it's up to her from now on. Like you sleeping, eating etc is abit of a problem right now... I'm going to be strong for tomorrow... & in a a way either a cold shoulder from her face to face or further rejection should help me come to terms with things and start the healing process, after that I've no need to probably see her for a couple of months, I'd like to get it out of the way sooner rather than later. On top of the relationship issue it's hard to find clarity on what to do as friends say so many contrasting different things, but I've been suprised by the support they've given me, if I'm left confused! Roll on the next 24hrs Thanks alot Wibble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 9, 2010 Share Posted May 9, 2010 Hahaha good move getting the bike, u gotta stay busy and have fun. Yeah the eating and no sleep rollercoater usally goes away after like 3-4 months from what I have read. I'm on my 3 or 4 I really don't remember because she strung me along for a while. It's funny because I just saw her sister this morning and it's mothers day and I stilll feel great it didn't bring me down or anything... She waived I was crossing the street.... It's quite brutal at first but what u do after the break up is important, that's why I think I pushed mine away because I was needy and begging at first. Lc nc in the mess I was in if I had a second chance to do it again I would go nc from the moment she said "I want space". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wibble Posted May 9, 2010 Author Share Posted May 9, 2010 Cheers LC, some good advice thanks... I'm going to just keep things short & sweet with her & just say my goodbye to her in the morning.. After that some holiday time coming.. Fingers crossed all go's well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
learning2relax Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 You can do it! We all get to the point when we find the strength (those of us that struggle anyways). Just remember that keeping it short and sweet and keeping your distance helps you in your recovery. I am rooting for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 10, 2010 Share Posted May 10, 2010 I wouldn't even bother saying good bye... It's only going to set you back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wibble Posted May 14, 2010 Author Share Posted May 14, 2010 Hi guys, thanks for the kind words, I'm feeling particularly low the last 48hrs. I went in to see her as planned on monday, everything went suprisingly really well, I explained a little about my plans, we ended up having the smiles, tears & hugs/kisses. She said she was please I had popped in, we talked alittle more & I ended up being there for a couple of hours & left on a very positive note, I had also given her a little note to read when I had left. She said she really needed to speak to her best friend who was coming back tue/wed, I left it by saying I would like to see her again, but she will need to get in touch with me as I'm going to be going away/having a break at the end of this week..... So far heard nothing - so feeling pretty bad, I know it' only friday but feels an awefully long time to me!... I know I should'nt be waiting but I'm expecting hearing something from her, but when to give up expecting, thats the question!?... I would love to completely forget about it all but i'm not in that frame of mind! cheers wibble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 If only we could see what their thinking.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wibble Posted May 15, 2010 Author Share Posted May 15, 2010 LC, Yep it would make things alot easier knowing what they were thinking! I've had a good last 24hrs, out with friends for beers, blasting round on the bike in the sun, cheered me up loads Gonna have a week off next week too & start dropping off the radar so I can work on feeling better more often & staying out the way etc, if I hear something over the weekend great if not nothing more I can do... wibble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 15, 2010 Share Posted May 15, 2010 What country u I'm wibble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wibble Posted May 16, 2010 Author Share Posted May 16, 2010 Hi LC, I'm in the UK at the mo... Feeling low today, these things can't half be tough! Wibble Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lastchallenge Posted May 16, 2010 Share Posted May 16, 2010 Cheer up man... I know it's tough... If u need to vent post an update Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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