How do you stop caring about family members?

[aporia14]

My 17 year old brother has been spiraling out of control ever since my mother decided to send him off to a state-runned institution because she freaked-out when she caught him smoking pot.

 

I am so upset right now. My brother just spoke back to me in the rudest way. Essentially he claims that he doesn't care about anyone or anything and the world as well as everyone in it evolves around him. The part that hurts the most is that this was not the kid I knew. I am disgusted by him and it hurts so much because I love my little brother so much and part of me feels responsible for this. I feel like I failed him because I knew how screwed-up my mom is and I should have taken better care of him.

 

How can I stop caring so much about him? I am hurting so much that I can't even stop crying right now. What do I do?

[BellaDonna]

my mother decided to send him off to a state-runned institution because she freaked-out when she caught him smoking pot.

 

 

Can you arrange a meeting with the people handling his case there?

 

Do you know if he has access to counselors there?

 

I remember your other threads about your brother, and I do think there are ways to try to help that do not require you to take on full responsibility for him.

[aporia14]

He is no longer in the program. He is at home now. He refuses to go to school. He speaks like a gangster. He needs help because his behavior is erradict. I hate it. He is seeing a therapist and he needs medication but he needs to be hospitalized and he refuses to go.

 

The therapist has told my mom he needs it but of course he is still a minor with the authority to refuse treatment and still be a menace to society.

[hexaemeron]

Sorry, but if my family carted me away because I was caught smoking pot, especially at 17, I'd probably be completely dramatic and tell everyone they were dead to me, too. (As would most people at that age, I reckon)

 

I don't really think he's blameless, but really, what the hell was your mom thinking?

[aporia14]

She's bi-polar....she doesn't think.

[BellaDonna]

What does he do all day at home? Is anyone there when he is home?

 

Does he have any interest in getting a job?

[hexaemeron]

She's bi-polar....she doesn't think.

 

I'm not surprised he came back all rough and gangster. That's what these facilities usually end up instilling. That's why jails are just big perversion/sociopath factories. They can take somewhat normal people and turn them into complete psychotics.

[aporia14]

He says things that he wants to do and what he thinks you want to hear but he has no motivation. He seems depressed. He never follows-through with anything. I am so worried. My mother is home with him. She begs him every morning to get up and go to school. Somedays she yells and screams.

[BellaDonna]

Has he officially "dropped out" of school at this point?

 

If he is depressed he needs proper treatment. I think your mom would benefit from family therapy with him.

 

If he is at home all day in the house with your mother it is only going to make the situation worse. If he has dropped out of school, try to convince him to get a job at least, even if it is for minimum wage.

 

If he feels he has some sort of purpose he may decide to go back to school or get his GED. Right now it sounds like he is in full crisis mode. He shouldn't stay in that house all day arguing back and forth with his mother because it will make the depression worse. If he has too much time on his hands he may also run into the wrong crowd and may look to taking (or selling) more drugs.

 

He needs to be kept busy in a structered environment and out of the home.

[aporia14]

I have pleaded with him to get a job. My mom has too. He has said that he want to. Burger King called him for a job and he did not go. He got other applications with intentions of going but, as I said before, he does not follow-through.

 

He has a court case right now. He got into a fight and his friends helped but one friend decided to take it to another level and now my brother is being faced with an assault charge. My brother is minor and his other friends are 18 so, they are pressuring him to take the blame and the stupid idiot is so screwed-up that he want to take the blame.

[Hermes]

but he needs to be hospitalized and he refuses to go.

 

And the therapist confirms this. Therefore, there will be no choice but to certify him, for his own good. He evidently needs treatment and professional guidance.

 

There is nothing you can do.

 

H

[Citlali]

Is he bipolar as well? Is that what the therapist means by "he needs medication"? Because it sounds he might be and of course given that your mom has it, it makes him more prone to it. If he does, he certainly won't function without medication and help. So it will definitely be necessary whether he likes it or not.

[aporia14]

I don't think someone can be compelled in NY state to be hospitalized for mental health issues unless they are a threat.

[BellaDonna]

If it is a frist criminal offense the judge may order him into treatment.

[Jeen]

The use of mental health courts—criminal courts that hear cases of individuals with mental illness who typically are charged with misdemeanors—is often proposed as a strategy to "decriminalize" people with mental illness.

 

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[Citlali]

The use of mental health courts—criminal courts that hear cases of individuals with mental illness who typically are charged with misdemeanors—is often proposed as a strategy to "decriminalize" people with mental illness.

 

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As it should be. Good links. People who need help and medication don't belong in jail or prison. That doesn't address the real issue and it makes things worse for them and their families. The pity is that few people understand this. Many prosecutors in regular court have no problem pressing for a jail sentence rather than recommending something else more fit for someone who needs mental help.