Desperate for Advice!! Please Help!

[ed2099]

Basically, the story is this... my girlfriend of 4 years and i were broken up because she needed to feel more independent. Everything ended in a large fight because we were both unhappy with the relationship. She lied allot and i had trust issues (i say as a result of her dishonesty. She says she was afraid to tell me things that she didnt think i needed to worry about)

 

The first time we talked after the break up was about a week later and i told her i would wait for her blah blah... she told me that i shouldnt. that she didnt know what would happen or how long it would take before she was able feel comfortable enough with herself to come back to a relationship. she did assure me however, she wasnt interested in being with anyone, and that wasnt was this was about.

About month later we were hanging out and dating again. Things moved pretty quickly back to a relationship. Except this time all she wanted to do was pick fights and bicker. So i told her i needed my space. After a week of no communication i visited her and we talked.

 

I told her i wanted a fresh start with no lies. That we should get everything into the open. She told me she had kissed someone. During the time i told her i needed space. She said she thought we were done and that it was a mistake. The guy, was a guy she had known for 3 years in college and that i had always had my suspicions of (always wanting to use her as a model for photoshoots and paintings). Even tho i had my suspicions, i had never said anything.

 

I figured a kiss. No big deal. Things were great for another month. Better than they had been in a long time. But i couldnt shake the feeling that she wasnt being forthcoming with something. I asked her on multiple occasions if she had been with anyone. If there was anything she wasnt telling me. Her answer was always no. And once or twice she got slightly agitated that i asked.

 

By happenstance (not snooping haha) i came accross a convo between her and a friend in which she had vaguely eluded to something big she was hiding (her demons, she said).

 

When i confronted her, she denied but i could see she was worried. so i asked again and she again denied. After a few minutes of silence she confessed she had slept with the same person she had kissed. Apparently it happened while we were separated.

 

I couldnt be too upset because we were separated but, she lied about it on multiple occasions, made me feel like i was crazy, allowed me to be nice to this guy when i saw him after it happened and before i knew (which made me feel like a fool). She also told that she didnt intend on being with anyone, which kept me hanging on over the breakup.

 

She cried her eyes out, told me she would do ANYTHING (forgo her own privacy, allow me to be with someone else etc) to not lose me over a mistake. A mistake she said was the biggest in her life. She told me things would be so different from now on if i would only give her one more chance. She would never lie to me again etc etc... I believe her regret to be genuine... but did she regret her mistake? or regret that she got caught in a lie?

 

I dont know what i should do at this point. She has lied before.. but over things she was didnt want me to worry about (understandable, but that doesnt stop it from hurting when i find out on my own).

 

Im sure she didnt break up with me to have sex with this guy... our breakup fight and everything leading up to it was unrelated. And im sure it was only once.. the kiss that happened on another later occasion concerns me. She stopped it from going further (which i believe)... but if it was such a mistake the first time.. why let it almost happen again?

 

Do i trust again? Will things be awesome? i Wanted to marry this girl before this stuff happened... Or do i walk away? Right now we're not talking... a break with VERY specific terms...basically the terms entail NOT sleeping with anyone haha

 

please help!!

I would appreciate it so much... i feel like this is a major crossroads for me... and i dont know which way to turn...

[misssmithviii]

... I'm sorry this has happened, but you don't deserve this.

 

She obviously has no issue lying straight to your face, once trust has been severed repeatedly - there really is no way to earn it all back.

 

You should talk to her, tell her you want to end it for good and never speak to her again.

[misssmithviii]

When people say that they lied so as to "not hurt your feelings" that's rubbish. Lying in itself severs closeness, the connection between two people and whether the other knows about the lies or not, the liar isn't fully invested in the health of the relationship.

 

She justifies her lies to you, and you've fallen for this too many times. I think you need to focus on yourself and realize there are beautiful, loyal, dedicated and loving women out there with strict morals, with a belief that lying is synonymous with cowardice in instances like this.

 

This ex of yours reminds me of my man's ex gf. He stuck around for 4 years even when they weren't together and she would lie, beg, feel "remorse" then lie again. Finally he just couldn't take it anymore, but it took him finally realizing that there ARE other women out there who wouldn't treat him that way, even if only a friend.

 

Here's what you should do, write down a list of all the qualities and morals you want in a woman... and remember women like that DO exist.

 

^_^

[DN]

If I were in your place I would give her one more chance but only you can make that decision.

[JulianaF]

I think you guys are not well suited to each other, but you have to consider how much she means to you. Apparently for one reason or another, she feels she needs to lie to you. Either she's compulsively dishonest, or she feels threatened enough by something you're doing to need to lie. That she wants more independence makes me wonder.

 

What she did took place while you were separated; fair enough. You can't demand fidelity from someone you are broken up with. She has told you the truth now; she isn't lying. So now you have the truth, and you have the girl back, and are you happy? No.

 

She is saying she wants this to work. I think maybe you should stop and consider whether the issues you are having with her are likely to follow you into another relationship, and whether or not, given that you were considering marrying her, you might not benefit from a little couples counselling to try to understand whose needs aren't being met here, and why.