How Do I Leave My Church...?

[WomanWriter]

Or should I?

 

I guess I "broke up" with my boyfriend last week. That is, I told him I just want to be friends, for a lot of reasons. The last straw was when he touched me sexually while we were supposed to be sleeping, after I already said NO. There are other reasons, especially the fact that he lies and makes excuses over stupid things.

 

Anyway, I left him on good terms last week, but we are supposed to see each other tonight because we both teach the teenagers at our church. I feel uncomfortable seeing him after this and really need some space, but I didn't go last week and I'll feel guilty for avoiding my responsibility to the church.

 

I am also involved in other ministries, including an important trip that I am helping plan for this summer. I should mention that I've helped raise a lot of money for this trip, including from friends and relatives who are counting on me.

 

I would like to just disappear from this church and find a new one because I feel so bad about all this. I don't want anyone asking me questions about why me and B broke up or try to convince us to get back together (the pastor keeps saying that we are good for each other...the two have a male bond thing going on and I feel like the pastor likes him more than me).

 

I want to call the church and tell them to drop me, but that's a lot of good contacts going to waste and a lot of opportuinities. On a deeper level, though, it's also a terrible example for the kids...to run away from my problems like that.

 

But I just really don't want to see my "ex" (feels weird to say that because I had an ex before him that I was still getting over...). I told him we were friends and I still wanted to hang out, but I really don't feel like that now. I know he is going to want to vent about the past few days and I don't want to hear it. I can't just go about my business while he is talking and laughing with everyone else. Even though we are just doing the friend thing, I'll feel crappy to be there without him.

 

I don't know what to do...I don't care much for this church anymore because I'm not so attached to the people, but it's convenient and I have responsibilities...but what's the point? I was mostly staying for my boyfriend towards the end, and now i don't even want to be around him...

[FathomFear]

You're 29 years old. If people approach you and try to pry about personal matters, politely remind them that it is none of their business and leave it at that. They'll get the message.

[WomanWriter]

Yeah, I can tell them to bug off. That's ok. But I'll just feel crappy being there because of the lonliness. As a couple, we could hang out with people, but by myself, I don't really have friends at the church. My biggest concern isn't people asking about him, it's that I really no longer have an interest in this church if we're not together. I started going here before I met B but came to associate it with B, so I am having a very, very had time focusing on GOD, which is why I should be there. I am more wrapped up in the pain of a broken relationship and feeling alone when around people.

[FathomFear]

I suspect the mental association will fade with time. It hasn't been long since you ended the relationship.

[NightLily]

I agree. And I don't really care if it is a priest or not, if he is pressuring you to date somebody you don't want to (which I might add, for very good reasons!), you can make it clear that is not his business either.

[rosephase]

So stick it out until this thing in the summer and then see how you feel. If you still don't like the church and fee like you want to change do it then. As for right now it sounds like you are just running away... and not really even from problems, just running away from something that is kind of uncomfortable. And honestly that's no way to live your life. Once your emotions have settled down and you have some space from the break up you will be able to tell more clearly if the reason you want to leave is because of the church or the ex.

[doiiiieeezie]

Hold your head up high when you go in. People will always gossip no matter what and you need to remind yourself why you really went there in the first place. If anyone bugs you about it, remind them that this is not a place of idle gossip and a place of worship love and understanding.

 

Next, never tell your pastor or anyone else there about your personal or intimate life. It's just too close for comfort.

[MD Geist]

Well I'm in a simluar position as you are except i'm not going through a breakup.

 

The best thing for you to do is talk to the one who is in charge directly, have them meet up with you for coffee or whatever and let em know whats up and why you are departing. Be straight forward and honest, do not suger coat anything and do not be shy. Be confident in your choice. Set up a time frame within the next few weeks of what you are going to do and carry it out week by week. Id highly recomend doing it after your trip.

 

Meanwhile start shopping around for a new church to addend services. It might take much longer than you think.

[WomanWriter]

Thanks, this is good advice. Can you tell me a little bit about your situation, if you don't mind? And did it take you a while to find another church that was a good fit for you?

 

P.S. Thanks to the rest of you too. I will consider all of this.

 

 

Well I'm in a simluar position as you are except i'm not going through a breakup.

 

The best thing for you to do is talk to the one who is in charge directly, have them meet up with you for coffee or whatever and let em know whats up and why you are departing. Be straight forward and honest, do not suger coat anything and do not be shy. Be confident in your choice. Set up a time frame within the next few weeks of what you are going to do and carry it out week by week. Id highly recomend doing it after your trip.

 

Meanwhile start shopping around for a new church to addend services. It might take much longer than you think.

[hers]

i really don't think you shoudl leave your church. it sounds like you have good standing there and are well-respected. and you said it yourself...it'll set a bad example to just run away from your problems instead of showing dignity and pride to deal with htings that make you uncomfortable (ok maybe not your words but that's what i think). you sound comfortable and dedicated to your church. why on earth woudl you want to leave?

[Taikero]

It may be easier to run from problems than deal with them, but that doesn't make us stronger.

 

I suggest you stick with your church through this difficult time, take the time off you need as necessary or rework your responsibilities so they don't directly include B, and refocus on yourself and your personal enrichment, be it through God or otherwise.

[IntotheWild]

If you had an attachment to this church that was independent of your ex, then I would say you should stay and face the situation. But you said that the only reason you had interest in this church was because of your bf. If that's the case, then you don't really belong there. Send a quick note to the pastor if you like, but I don't see any reason to go back. Put your efforts into finding a church that fits you and don't waste them trying to face problems for the sake of facing problems.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Contacts, possible opportunities, responsibilities and a trip that you were involved in organizing. These are all reasons to stay at the church for now. Forget the people, forget your ex...focus on the other aspects of this church experience that are worth your while. Ride out the storm and show that in the face of a failed relationship you are still strong and won't run away as if you are afraid to face people. Your critics will respect you more if you stand your ground and not run away. So tough it out and focus on your commitment and responsibilities to the church. Then once things simmer down you can make a decision based on rational thought rather than emotion.

[Poetry Guy]

If you are indeed a woman of faith, then your focus needs to remain on God, not the broken relationship and other people's perceptions. If you disappear from that church, particularly if it is one that you enjoy, then you end up looking like the "guilty party" and end up creating and validating all of the concerns that you are currently worried about. It's your church too and if the patrons of that church enjoy your presence there, then you should remain a part of it.

 

I'm strong in my faith as well and I would never give up going to a church that I really enjoyed because of an ex. God is much more important as is the fellowship that you share with the other members of the church.

[RockyRaccoon]

Yeah, I can tell them to bug off. That's ok. But I'll just feel crappy being there because of the lonliness. As a couple, we could hang out with people, but by myself, I don't really have friends at the church. My biggest concern isn't people asking about him, it's that I really no longer have an interest in this church if we're not together. I started going here before I met B but came to associate it with B, so I am having a very, very had time focusing on GOD, which is why I should be there. I am more wrapped up in the pain of a broken relationship and feeling alone when around people.

 

If you can't focus on God, then you may as well not be in church. That right there tells me that you should find a different church. Don't listen to these people telling you "You need to be proud and have dignity." That is not what the scriptures teach us. The scriptures teach us to be humble and show humility. Who is going to judge you for leaving your church besides God? God would want you to be somewhere where you can put all your attention on Him and not be focusing on the pain of a recent breakup.

[Ms Darcy]

If you can't focus on God, then you may as well not be in church. That right there tells me that you should find a different church. Don't listen to these people telling you "You need to be proud and have dignity." That is not what the scriptures teach us. The scriptures teach us to be humble and show humility. Who is going to judge you for leaving your church besides God? God would want you to be somewhere where you can put all your attention on Him and not be focusing on the pain of a recent breakup.

 

Ultimately, considering your faith, I think this is a wise option for you. Break ups are difficult, and you just need a season ... a time to get some space while you heal. You can always return, but I think it's perfectly healthy for you to nurture your religious relationship in a different setting.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think healing over a breakup is any different from being lovey dovey with a person from the Church with regards to having it detract from a relationship with God. Both cause equal diversions from God as the focus is on something else. Going to Church does not only have to be about finding meaning with God, it could be about finding meaning in life. The OP is involved in activities with the Church which are helping others and that is just as important because helping others is one of the teachings of religion. Religion is more than just about a relationship with God, it is about your relationship with yourself, your good deeds, relationship with others etc. One can even cultivate a relationship with God without going to a place of worship. The pain of a breakup follows people no matter where they run to because only time can heal that pain.

[RockyRaccoon]

I would disagree with most of what you said, but this is not the place to get into an argument about Christianity.

 

I WILL argue about the difference between being "lovey dovey" and being in pain. Just because you're in love with someone who you worship with doesn't mean that you think about them while you ARE worshipping. It's very easy to focus completely on God while you are with someone you love, because you should love God more. It is very hard to focus on God when you're in pain however. It's hard to think about anything else after a breakup, let alone at a place where you spent a lot of time with your ex. Somewhere new that doesn't remind her of her ex would help her to focus more on what's important, God.

[im_the_undead]

omg i've SOOOOOOO been through this!

 

but not trying to avoid a bf, just..other people who used to be important in my life then did horrible things and continued to do so.

 

i stopped going to church for like 2 months after going every sunday since infancy..and it felt horrible

plus some of my family were incredibly rude and would call me athiest....so i HAD to go back.

 

anyway, what i did, since my church is huge..............

i stopped going to the places where i knew they would be.

like they're lazy and go to late church, so i decided to go in at the earliest time.

then instead of going to sunday school, i decided to volunteer in the daycare.

i run into them every now and then, but i try hard to take different routs so i won't run into them and it's cool

like i had to change everything, and talk to a lot of people in order to resched. everything and assure myself a position somewhere furthur away from them. it's tough, and it sucks..but it can be done

 

good luck!

[WomanWriter]

What wonderful adice...all of it is very helpful, even though some of it contradicts each other...it's a lot of food for thought. I have lots to consider.

 

I just wanted to update what happened tonight. I went to church (I did a lot of praying beforehand and I feel the Spirit was with me).

 

I'm glad I went because my girls (the teens I teach) had a lot to talk about. Our topic tonight was "Love your enemies." We had a rap session about how we could do this. I admitted that I felt like running away because of a problem I was having with somoene in the church and how I wasn't "loving my enemy" by doing this. We had a talk about what we could do to act in the face of fear. They were very receptive and I am thankful that God put me in this ministry, working with teens, which is something I've always feared.

 

When it comes to B, everything was fine. It was a little weird at first, but we talked normally and there wasn't much tension. He was a little reserved (he is usually really lovey dovey), but was respectful to me. We hung out for about 15 minutes, then faciliated our youth groups (he'll take the boys, I'll take the girls).

 

It felt a little weird though, admittedly, because we usually act all lovey dovey, hugging, kissing, being close. Tonight, we just chit chatted and had a few laughs. It was very platonic.

 

I know this sounds strange, but how can we be so comfortable going from a relationship to being platonic like that? He didn't seem very affected. I was a little nervous, but it wasn't that bad.

 

Does it mean we really only like each other as friends? It's weird. I didn't break up because I wasn't attracted to him, I did it for other reasons. But it almost seems like there is only friendship between us now anyhow.

 

Is it weird to feel a little sad about that? I mean, it's what I wanted, and I am very happy that we had a good night...but it's still a little sad.

 

Anyhow, thanks again to everyone...much to ponder!

 

P.S. I guess I feel weird because I could never act like that with my ex fiancee when we broke up. My heart would be pounding and we'd both be crying too much. We couldn't handle being friends at all. So I expected it would be the same with B...maybe some crying or pain...but it wasn't like that. It was like talking to an old friend. But that's weird. It shouldn't be like that. I guess I'm still new at break-ups even though I've been through four in my life. I think I'm weirded out that this did not seem like a normal break-up. We just talked normal, no hard feelings.

 

And this is coming from a guy who cried his eyes out and clung to me when I went to a friend's wedding for the weekend! He was shaking and telling me he'll never let me go (this was a couple months ago). Now, it's like "whatever." Weird.

[I_Speak_Jive]

And this is coming from a guy who cried his eyes out and clung to me when I went to a friend's wedding for the weekend! He was shaking and telling me he'll never let me go (this was a couple months ago). Now, it's like "whatever." Weird.

 

What do you want him to do, fall apart in agony because you dumped him? The truth is that virtually everyone (except the horrifically unstable) survives a break-up just fine. By the sound of it, your relationship wasn't all that and a bag of chips. Maybe with a bit of time he realizes just how much better off you BOTH are.

[IntotheWild]

He could have been behaving well because he was at church. A lot of people have separate faces for church and the real world.

[MD Geist]

Thanks, this is good advice. Can you tell me a little bit about your situation, if you don't mind? And did it take you a while to find another church that was a good fit for you?

 

P.S. Thanks to the rest of you too. I will consider all of this.

 

I'm sorry I didn't get back with you sooner.

 

But my church has had a sudden development of politics going on and it just shouldn't be like that. Its truly a long story.

 

As far as finding a new church goes i haven't put that much effort into finding one as I should due to my lack of time, but take your time, internet searching is what I have been using, also if you see one that looks nice just go up to it and check it out. I did it once and I had a positive experience.

[Onegirl]

I felt about leaving my church the first couple of weeks ( wait its only been six weeks) after my break up but I decided in my case it was my home,and my family I am involved in ministries too. And did I really want to give him that much power. So I still go to the same church, still show up to teach the kids and pray alot. I like the advice of waiting a couple of months and not making any major decisions while you are in pain.