Why am I still not ok??

[anonjen]

It's been 6 months after a 3 yr relationship. He left me and went directly back to his ex. I still spend way too much time letting it all get me down. I finally felt free from it all in March . I was fine until then. A couple of weeks ago a friend that I've had for ten yrs and I got into a fight. It was over literally nothing, but now we aren't friends anymore. Basically, she needs time to grow up on her own and maybe then she can realize that I'm not the person I was when I was 16 yrs. old. Anyways.... I was ok even after that. Now, now so much. It's summer now and I can't help but think of my ex constantly. This time last year I was looking forward to going home from college and spending time with him. I have to believe that I'll be fine and that it's time for a new beginning yet again. I'm just so tired. I feel like I could really use a friend. I wish he could be my friend.I've accepted the fact that he's with her and I'm fine with that. What I don't understand is why he treats me like I have the plague. He left me . I was there for him time and time again, even after we broke up. I'm not bitter, I've accepted everything and I don't hate him. He calls it the "ex-factor." I can understand it beign an issue if I hurt him or if we had a terrible relationship. I didn't and we were best friends. We were comfortable around each other, we were honest with each other, we could spend time apart and still be ok. We were fine until I moved away without him, he got stuck in a small town , his family started falling apart, and she came back around . I've accepted that life has other plans sometimes. So had he. We had a good talk in February. He apologized for lying and cheating , but he said he was moving there because he needed to get out. I guess he thinks if he fixes things with her , then he's fixed the past. They had a bad relationship, and I hope this time it's different. He said this was he way out, and I'm fine with that. There was a time in March where he called and I though it was ok, but then he asked what I was doing and I said I was getting ready. He said oh so you already have a new bf? I was like no ..and what are you talking about ..you were telling her that you loved her before you even broke up with me? He was on webcam and he almost looked hurt. We have talked on and off but now he says he can't talk to me other than chit chat. He says he doesn't think about the past or the future, he can't. So he doesn't think about me. There are no feelings for me, so why is it so hard for him just be my friend? We all need friends. I don't want to hate him. There is just so much that still reminds me of him. It would be easier if I could associate a friend (not a talk every day need to know every detail friend) but something positive with those memories. I've done NC, and it's still there. So if there are no feelings, why is still so hard?

[Lifes4Living]

everyone on this forum will tell you the same things over again, the things you read. No contact, move on, cut ties, get out and be with friends and family, consume your life with things to do as the more you sit around and dwell the more you really over think things, and that can be a dangerous path as your mind spirals out of control from reality into theory which then turns back into reality.

 

Ive never really understood this, but alot of women after a break up think why cant we just be friends, I have an ex who broke up with me saying this, but for a guy I can tell you once the relationship is over then alot of times that is it (or until a long long time down the track). The thing for my mind was, I dont want to have the occasional coffee with a girl I used to be involved with, its taking me a long long time to get over her, so the last thing I want to do is hold any hope of getting back together, plus one day at coffee she says oh hey meet brian hes really nice (and its her new boyfriend). That would just ki11 me. Until a guy can handle that scenario, no friendship, no coffee, nothing.

[anonjen]

I generally have a pretty fulfilling life. I'm in a college town, away from mutual friends and family. We don't talk. You're right about the overthinking. My logic can tell me that over and over again. The problem with logic is that it can get me into trouble too. He told me in February that he couldn't be around me , I figured it was because he still felt guilt. I let it be. Now he randomly tries to initiate conversation about random things like a mutual favorite band or whatever. Now he says that thing about not thinking about the past. So then logic creeps in, "He doesn't care about me romantically at all, he doesn't think about the past, so why is so hard just to talk about life?" I'm not in denial, I'm fully aware that his new life includes her. It doesn't bother me. And then it gets bad ..the overthinking... its like "maybe it's me. theres something wrong with me"

[Lifes4Living]

Trust me, over thinking logically can drive you insane. Because you try to understand the reasonings behind the actions of other people, and this in turn creates some crazy scenarios to the point where you start to believe it, and it becomes rationale. I liken it to obsessive compulsive disorders, people do things for a reason... washing hands for example, the rationale for ocd people doing that is the germs... why not clean your hands all the time its germs people go to the toilet not wash their hands they touch things you touch things. But its crazy logic! crazy thinking! but you can see how it can easily be misconstrued as rationale logical thinking which in their minds it is.

 

So the point being. Best to focus on yourself, get your own mind in focus whatever that takes (change your phone number so you dont get the random txts from him). Cut all emotional ties and biggest thing move on. Half the people on this enotalone forum have lost themselves into an emotionally depressive state and probably need professional help, others have stood at the cliffs edge and realised that the only way out is to help yourself, and are taking small steps backwards. Ask yourself which type of person do you want to be in 6 months.

[anonjen]

You're right. I reached the ledge in February, and I took a step back and felt happy. This was just a relapse. I didn't need him or want to talk to him then. I ignored him them, despite persistent calls. Logic is not my friend. Emotions are not my friend. I need to step back again and find that "zen

[Lifes4Living]

Honestly, I am only in 3 months NC with my ex and the stress and my mental state has reached new levels of crazy. So much so that I thought of counselling and I have tried taking stress relief pills. Its not a good place to be in. She broke up with me 3x in the past 2 years and Ive finally given up the fight, and its really fustrating when they have to contact you as they see you moving on and they dont want you to, they keep you at arms length they dont really want you, but they dont want to lose you (and essentially make your life miserable by trying to contact you just when you are getting your head straight).

 

Each day as it comes.

[anonjen]

You're right. I listen to SOJA and it calms me down. It's lyrical genius and they're all about the day by day. You have to take it day by day, but never take your days or people for granted.