I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going insane.

[prestonztt]

Well long story short, me and my ex have been broken up for a year because I was just a horrible boyfriend/dad for the 2 years we were together.

 

For the past year that we have been broken up, she has told me that there are just no feelings towards me and has completely * * * * me down thousands of times.

 

I really do want her back like none other, but everything I do just doesn't work.

 

Well recently I have been coming over to her house to watch our children. On 2 occasions I have offered to come over and watch them and told her to go out and have a good time. I have only been to her house about 3 times since I have been doing this.

 

Well tonight is my 3rd time to be doing this. I'm writing from my iPhone right now. She is out with her friend just hanging and i'm here just watching the kids and beating myself up for being here.

 

I try so hard to give her what she wants and to be the nicest I can be since I wasn't for 2 years. Every chance I get I ask to come over and war h the kids at her house. I don't know why I put myself in this position, but I do and I know it just hurts me.

 

It's hard being here and wanting her/the family at the same time.

 

I mean, what should I say when she comes back. I want to have a little talk with her about this, but I'm almost positive I'll get shot down again and just be upset.

 

I mean why would she be letting me come over and do this? We usually hang out after she gets back for a little bit. I mean is she just using me? Or what.

 

I hate doing this to myself but I just can't stop, every chance I get I wanna be here.

 

Please help me and just give me some suggestions on what you would do or something. Thanks.

[Cal Lily]

Why are you kicking yourself while watching your kids? At least you are on good terms and communicating. Realize what you got ~ count your blessings ~ and be brave (without being needy or a bully).

 

At first, ask her out gently, without sexual intentions, heavy discussion, or drama.

 

Do not put her on the defensive with your conversation. (begin with "i am wondering" and/or "i care about you" instead of blaming words)

 

Choose dates other than movie and dinner (choose somewhere memorable & less awkward);

 

Try some of the things that got your relationship going in the first place (romance, touching, listening, sensitivity).

 

I read a lot of TW Jackson; and Suzi & Otto Collins. They give real good professional advice.

 

I wish the man in my life cared about reading, communication, and getting back together. But it's obviously not going to happen in my life.

 

Good luck. I cannot help but pray for 2 souls who still may have a chance to reunite.

[Citlali]

So basically you're only offering to watch your own children to get her back? I don't think she is using you if you are the one offering to do something you should already be doing for your KIDS anyway. She's not the one calling you. If she has repeatedly said she doesn't want to be romantically involved with you, then take a hint. That you have children doesn't mean she is obligated to give you a chance. And that she accepts your help in watching them doesn't mean she wants you back either or is using you. You should be more concerned about your children and doing more to be with them and be a good father regardless of how she happens to feel about you.

 

The only thing you should do is stop trying to get her to be with you if she has already said NO several times. You will always have a relationship with her in the sense that you have kids in common and will have to work together for their benefit, but that doesn't mean she has to be with you romantically. I suggest you try maturing a bit and realizing that you need to stop trying to win her back and instead focus on being a better person and father.

[Dako]

 

I mean why would she be letting me come over and do this? We usually hang out after she gets back for a little bit. I mean is she just using me? Or what.

 

This might be hard to take, but if those are your children you should be with them not as tools to gain her reconciliation, but as your children. She may just want you in the kids' life, not hers.

[prestonztt]

I actually have the children more then her. I have them 4 days out of the week. So it's nothing like that. I love being with my children as much as possible.

 

It's just that while I'm here, it makes me want her/the family more and more. I mean I love doing these kinds of things but at the same time I know it just hurts me by not getting over her.

[Dako]

Thanks for clarifying that. Your initial post colored things a bit differently.

I'd suggest staying away from her house, then. You need time to recover from the breakup even if you want reconciliation.

 

It certainly would hurt being surrounded by all those subtle reminders.

[Citlali]

Ah, well you really should have included that in your original post. The way you wrote it worked against you because it made you seem like you didn't really do much except those few times in order to convince her to be with you. If you are a responsible, mature guy who is being a better father and person, then good. Keep on working on that, but don't torture yourself with illusions of being with her. If she has consistently said no for a year, then it means no. Move on like it seems she has and focus on your kids and having an amicable relationship for their sake. Start over with someone else. Good luck.

 

Also, if it hurts you to be at her house because it makes you want HER and a family with HER, then stop going over there. You already have your kids a lot, so you're doing well there. Don't hurt yourself by going over there. It's counterproductive. You're young. You have a whole life ahead of you to build with someone else. Don't retard your progress by going over there anymore. In time it'll pass, but you need to help yourself. If you want more time with the kids, tell her to drop them off instead.

[prestonztt]

Sorry for the confusion everyone. I'm actually leaving for basic training for the army around January next year. I have told her this and I have asked her about possibly a chance after that. I'm going for my children and to better myself. Well she said that she would have to see how she feels then.

[Citlali]

Do you realize that you can be stationed anywhere and that it will actually LIMIT the time with your kids? I realize you want to better yourself, but I hope you considered all of the setbacks. The army will still own you and do with you as it pleases even after basic.

[prestonztt]

Oh i'm completely aware of all of the setbacks. But it's something I have been wanting to do for awhile. But it's not just going to benefit me but my kids aswell.

[Citlali]

Oh i'm completely aware of all of the setbacks. But it's something I have been wanting to do for awhile. But it's not just going to benefit me but my kids aswell.

 

Well, as long as you were aware of everything, then it's your decision. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-military or anything (in fact I am going to be a Marine Corps JAG), but most young people who enlist don't really seem to understand what they're getting into. The recruiters have the propensity to color things much more rosy for the recruits than they really are, especially when it comes to what it's like if you choose not to renew your contract after your time is up. Good luck to you, though! I hope everything goes well for you in basic and once you're out.

[Ms Darcy]

Sorry for the confusion everyone. I'm actually leaving for basic training for the army around January next year. I have told her this and I have asked her about possibly a chance after that. I'm going for my children and to better myself. Well she said that she would have to see how she feels then.

 

If I were her, I would be annoyed. Why are you still asking when she tells you no? It sounds like you don't want her to be happy without you.

[Citlali]

Haha. Have you ever been dumped? I think probably yes, so look at what you're asking of someone who still is hung up on an ex.

 

I don't think it's about him wanting to be with her JUST so she can't be happy with ANYONE else. I think he genuinely has feelings for her and keeps on trying. Have you never been down in the dumps where you actually think the 51 millionth time you ask will actually work? His problem is not that he is selfish and wants her to just be happy with him, but rather that he hasn't helped himself get over her. It doesn't help that he has to be in constant contact with her because of the kids. He doesn't have the NC option so many of us have the luxury of yet refuse to take. That's why I suggested that he stop going over there and having constant contact with her unless it is necessary for something having to do with the kids. Otherwise, she can just drop them off.

[OccultFigurine]

I agree, NC can be really difficult when you have kids.

 

When I split with my ex I tried to remain friends with him, he would come over and we'd spend time together with the little ones-but after a while I realised that it really wasn't helping him to move on (and I was trying to move on too)

Its 7 years down the line for me...and I think its ony in the last few years that I felt we could spend time together and he wouldnt take it the wrong way.

But to get to that point it involved only seeing him when he or I dropped the kids off, only talking about whats best for the children, and having NO CONTACT whatsoever, no chitchat, no asking about each others lives, nothing. Its really hard to do but its the only way.

 

You will move on from this, I'm sure of it, just have a look at the way you're going about it

[prestonztt]

And thats the thing, its so hard to even intiate NC because of the kids. Im a very determined person, and when it comes to something/someone I cant have, I just lose it. Especially the person that is the mother of my children and the one I want.

 

Part of me just wants to keep trying and trying, but the other half is just like let it go and if she comes around she does. I just think that if I dont keep showing her that I want to be with her that she will think that I dont want her and she will be like go figure.

 

I dont know, its been a year and I honestly would have thought I would be better off then I am. I mean, im pretty good most of the time, but sometimes things just trigger in my mind about her and me and it just puts me down big time.

 

And now, even if I tried the NC thing im pretty sure I have pushed her past return and that right there just kills me. I know I just her US back but I dont even know where to start to try to help the situation.

[Ms Darcy]

And thats the thing, its so hard to even intiate NC because of the kids. Im a very determined person, and when it comes to something/someone I cant have, I just lose it. Especially the person that is the mother of my children and the one I want.

 

Yeah, I think you might be missing the point a little. Preston, we've been going back and forth for a year on this woman. I never said you should initiate no contact with her; you can't really. But what you can do is to stop engaging in these negative behaviors - asking for a second chance, etc.

 

Like I said, I have followed your story for a year and for a year you have focused on your determination, focused on keeping the family together ... focused on everything but what your ex wants and needs. I think that's the missing link here, because it's the reason why they are not together.

[prestonztt]

Yeah, I think you might be missing the point a little. Preston, we've been going back and forth for a year on this woman. I never said you should initiate no contact with her; you can't really. But what you can do is to stop engaging in these negative behaviors - asking for a second chance, etc.

 

Like I said, I have followed your story for a year and for a year you have focused on your determination, focused on keeping the family together ... focused on everything but what your ex wants and needs. I think that's the missing link here, because it's the reason why they are not together.

 

In all actuality, i haven't asked her for a second chance in a long time. I have asked her if there might possibly be a chance with us, but all I get is a I don't know.

 

I know I mess up all the time when it comes to this, but it's like I just can't stop. Trust me, I want to but it's like I can't. I really want to give her what she wants and needs but it's just hard to give that when I just want her n

[AutumnBorn]

Preston, first, there's a problem even bigger than you know. A father doesn't "watch" his kids. Babysitters watch kids. Fathers raise them. It's your job, not a favor you're doing their mother, not being nice, just being a dad. Now that I've given you a hint as to your role, perhaps you can put it into perspective.

 

You want to win her over? Be the best dad you can be and stop acting like a babysitter. Take her and the children out for dinner, even if they're at the McDonald's age. Do things with all of them - zoo, parks, nature walks, whatever. Act like a family because divorce doesn't change that.. Ask her what she thinks about political or news issues and listen to what she says - really listen.

 

Whatever you do, you've got to change your behavior so dramatically that she doesn't recognize you as the man she's got in her head. You've got to erase that image and create a new one.

 

Good luck.

[prestonztt]

I am very aware of what a father and babysitter have in common. When im referring to watching my children I dont try to make it seem that its a hassle for me to be there with them.

 

Anyways, I totally get what your saying. And actually today, I asked her if she would like to go to the zoo and she actually said yes. I have asked her a couple times before, but it was a no go.

 

But there were some stipulations for her going. She wants her best friend to go and she said she doesnt want me to take it out of proportion. All I said, was, were going to a zoo, thats it.

 

But I thought right there was a step, so that sort of made it a real good day for me.