Fallin for my best (girl) friend

[cixelsiD]

I have fallen in love with my best friend (girl), who is in a relationship with an alcoholic, abusive jerk. We've been best friends for about 5 years, and I've seen her through thick and thin. I've told her I loved her in the past, but things got in the way and we ended up having a falling out that lead us to not speak to each other for a little better than a year and a half. I tried to forget her, but she ended up contacting me last summer and we re-united. I did not fall out of love with her though. Now I, once again have re-assumed the best friend role again. She is currently in a relationship with a person who keeps her in near constant pain, but she loves him and doesn't want to leave him even though he's abusive both emotional and physically. I am her shoulder to cry on, on a near daily basis, as I have always been in the past. I have loved her more strongly than any other girl who has stepped into my life. She hasn't shown interest in going beyond a friendship in the past. When I told her I loved her in the past I lost her for a long time. I can't stop thinking about her, and because of the circumstances, I have felt pain on a daily basis for better than five years. I find myself lost and confused because of the way I feel about her, and the fact that I can't grab her love for anything more than a best friend. Her current relationship is on the verge of ending, and I want to try to prove to her that I can be everything good as a boyfriend. I have always been a solid friend to her, and we talk about almost anything freely. I am afraid if I tell her that I still love her, it could bring our friendship to an end again. Has anyone experience this, and does anyone have advise that could help me?

[stu1973]

I've never been in this situation before, but you need to tread carefully, and be very patient.

 

Just be there for her if they do break up, show yourself to be the bigger and better man ( don't tell her ), but don't pour your heart out to her. Let her fall for you. You can't convince someone to like you, it has to happen naturally. I would say initially stay in the friend zone, and just be the amazing guy she's not had for the past 5 years. I would also say read up on becoming the type of guy women want, which is not the nice guy you'd expect. You need to get a bit of edge about you, be spontaneous, unpredictable, flirty, adventurous, but nice too. Don't just be nice and friendly, otherwise you'll always be her friend and nothing else. It sounds to me as though you have her on a bit of a pedestal and will be afraid to take risks. Oh and above all, take the piss out of her, seriously! It'll work wonders!

 

Oh, and without being to cynical, you say that if he is an alcoholic jerk, physically and emotionally abusive and she still loves him, and you are a nice guy? Good luck with that one, personally speaking I'd always be afraid of her running back to him for a bit of maltreatment.

[nutbrownhare]

I feel for you in your pain - but also it seems that you are in love with someone who is basically unavailable to you, and are waiting and hoping it will all change. It mostly likely won't.

 

People who maintain dysfunctional relationships with people who cannot be emotionally present for them are described as codependent, which this girl clearly is, but you can be just as codependent to a codependent as you can to an alcoholic.

 

If you want to do something about this, don't waste your life waiting for her or her fella to change. Have you ever read 'Women who Love too Much', or its sequel 'Letters from Women who Love Too Much'? There's lots of practical information in those books which can help you - if you want to take that step.

[JusticeLaw9]

I agree that you need to tread carefully with this. Being a good friend, shoulder to cry on and all that is cool. However, when and then the relationship does fold under you don't want to be "that guy". Meaning you don't want to be the rebound for the time being until something else comes along. Chances are, despite the state of the relationship, she's going to be very vulnerable after the breakup and looking for comfort. Provide it, but don't provide it in a way that is going to wind up making you look like the fool and ruining the friendship between you two.

[dgc]

been there done that

 

ok well this has actually happened to me twice you think id learn my lesson the first time no.

1 first relationship was at a very similar place as yours I stood by her side and picked up the pieces the other guy left. and got the girl... only it was no longer the girl i had fallen in love with a lot can change in 5 years. i ended up breaking her heart and it felt horrible but it was not meant to be luckily we remained friends. hanging on to memories is good but dont let those memories blind you.

2 second turned out a lot differently again very similar but i told her how i felt and she ran back to the jerk. it sucked either way but at least i did get a great friend out of the first girl and really know how i feel about her

[cixelsiD]

Thanks for your time and advise, I appreciate it very much. To be Clear, I have known her for close to 10 years, I pretty much started talking about the time frame in which things changed for how I feel about her. I have in fact been there for her to lean on in a number of break ups. And more times than not I fill the shoes of her boyfriends when it comes to spending time with her. Allot of her boyfriends didn't go do things with her, that's where I would take over. Seems to me that I fill that role with many of the women in my life. They're boyfriends don't get out of the house to do things with them, they call me, we hang out ,get out and do things. I pretty much do the work of the BF, but it's the BF that reaps the benefits. You've given good advise to me, in which case I have actually practiced a fair amount of it. And yes your right, I kinda have her on a bit of a pedestal, but for the most part I really haven't treated her much differently than any other friend, I've been pretty good about not singling her out. One thing I've done is tread carefully with her. I also live in the grounded reality that love happens or it doesn't, reality sucks. And you are correct about the nice guy, I have always fallen into that category, and paid the price for it. Over the past few years, I pretty much have been re-programing myself to tread a little further from that title, still have some work to do though. I appreciate your input, It's valuable info to build on.

[cixelsiD]

I feel for you in your pain - but also it seems that you are in love with someone who is basically unavailable to you, and are waiting and hoping it will all change. It mostly likely won't.

 

People who maintain dysfunctional relationships with people who cannot be emotionally present for them are described as codependent, which this girl clearly is, but you can be just as codependent to a codependent as you can to an alcoholic.

 

If you want to do something about this, don't waste your life waiting for her or her fella to change. Have you ever read 'Women who Love too Much', or its sequel 'Letters from Women who Love Too Much'? There's lots of practical information in those books which can help you - if you want to take that step.

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it very much. I am very aware of the cycles in which people follow, patterns make it easy to categorize people. I think in this situation, I have been trying to tackle some big hurdles, unsuccessfully I might add. As far as her patterns with the abusive types go, this is more of a recent development. I have seen her through the ending of relationships with some really good people. This is why I'm finding it difficult to understand what she see's with her current boyfriend. I have always treated how I handled my feelings for her carefully, not much more than subtle hints and what not. As I stated in my first post, I did come out with my feelings for her, in a E-Mail, maybe not the best way to do it. I have enough go-nads to do this sort of thing face to face, I actually prefer it that way. I chose E-Mail in order to be more generalized about it, honest though. Purpose being, to reduce discomfort for her, as well as put the ball in her court. It wasn't coming out with my feelings that cause us to separate for a little better than 1 1/2 years, other things played a role. Her self confidence was much higher back then, but that she used to be a little more difficult to be around in her younger days. She used to be heavily opinionated, and frequently argumentative courtesy of it. I'm a very patient guy, and I saw passed it. For the most part, the good times still out weighed the bad. But pent up aggression, caused by the argumentative moments on my end, and frustration I sent in return caused conflict leading up to a blow out. The arguing for her is what cost her allot of good BF'S as well as friendships. Basically after my blowout with her, she ended up costing herself almost all of her close friends. She basically hit rock bottom, but that brought her a moment of clarity, so to speak. In my re-uniting with her, the change for the positive has been night and day. A during the course of coming to her realization that her actions were doing damage, it seems that each boyfriend was a little worse than the next. She had already been dating this guy for a while before we re-united. Combination of losing allot of friends and the last couple of BF'S, killed her self confidence. It brought around change for both the good and bad. I did in fact use the time apart to try to forget her completely, but I don't think it was enough time to lose what I feel for her. Plus with the attitude adjustment on her end, it only made those feelings come flooding back. I know that I should be moving on with my love life, but with the improvements on her end, it makes things harder. I spend my days wishing to drop how I feel, But honestly, I don't know how to accomplish just that. I feel the only way for me to overcome that would be to cut her out of my life, completely. I really don't really want to do that, I care too much about her, and we share allot in common. Also, her upbringing was a reasonably hard life, and as her main source of support in difficult times, I feel that walking away may do more harm to her than good. Maybe it's an act of selfishness on my part, I'm not sure. The books you mentioned, I have never heard of, but I'm going to check them out. I'm not a person who squanders good advise. I appreciate you taking the time to help me out, thank you.

[asthesparrow]

I think you are still only a friend after all these years for a reason, unfortunately...

[cixelsiD]

I agree that you need to tread carefully with this. Being a good friend, shoulder to cry on and all that is cool. However, when and then the relationship does fold under you don't want to be "that guy". Meaning you don't want to be the rebound for the time being until something else comes along. Chances are, despite the state of the relationship, she's going to be very vulnerable after the breakup and looking for comfort. Provide it, but don't provide it in a way that is going to wind up making you look like the fool and ruining the friendship between you two.

Thanks for your response. I pride myself on being level headed, I'm also the type of person who typically sits back and watch people and their patterns. I feel that's one of the best ways to learn about individuals, mouths can lie, actions don't. I'm completely aware of the rebound, I've watched a number of friends be just that. In the past, I've watch her have a relationship end and within a few months typically less then half a year she'll jump into something else for fear of being alone. Which is actually pretty common with many of the women I know. After she broke up with one of her boyfriends, her and I lightly fooled around, very lightly. I believe that's about as close to a rebound I've seen her get. Rebounds don't really seem to play a heavy role in her life, meaning there's not much time to act, but act carefully. Now I have never voiced my opinion to her about any of the guys she has date, weather I liked them or not. I have always respected her that way, and this boyfriend is the first that I have registered my opinion and dislike to her, but I'm not the only one either. I have only done it because of how dangerous this guy is to her, how damaging he is. She's not the same girl I knew 2 years ago, there's been improvement in area's that badly needed it, and a big hit on her self esteem. I have told her in many times over in recent times, if she ends up single, to actually put some time in between BF"S to work out her life to attract the better sort of guy, rather than low life's. My intentions behind tat are to benefit her, not myself. I basically am encouraging her for improvement in her life, weather my role is that of a friend or more. To me, it's about her happiness, even if I don't get what I desire most. I am the only person that she completely opens up to, in some cases I know about her better than even her own family. I'm the one who hears about the more serious things that happen, under strict confidence of course. I know how to keep my mouth shut, and there's quite a few people in my life who do open up to me completely in confidence, because I typically offer up sound advise, without spilling private info to others (it's a gift). I can give sound relationship advise to others, but can't seem to give it to myself. Deep down I know I should move on, but it is difficult when you care so strongly for someone. Which at times, it seems to bring hopelessness, I have always seemed to make a better friend than a love interest. It's been like that all my life, not sure why though. Thanks again for taking the time to help out, I appreciate it very much.

[cixelsiD]

I think you are still only a friend after all these years for a reason, unfortunately...

Definitely still a friend because I'm one of the very few who has stuck by her through thick and thin, even bad times caused by her own hand. I'm a person with seemingly near infinite amount of patience and understanding. Probably the reason I make a good confidant for several people. I definitely feel am blinded by the way I feel about her (drawback). Reality sucks, what can I say. I think there's the hope that I could become more to her. I have definitely proven myself time and time again to her. I find it tough to swallow when she describes the type of guy she's looking for, I do fit the description, but I don't seem to be good enough to make the cut. When I see her looking for a guy that carries the qualities like my own, and then ends up with a guy that is far more flawed than myself. it takes it's toll on my self confidence and probably my ego, if that's the correct choice of words. It's difficult to understand why they could look for a guy with the qualities I carry, end up with someone far worse. Yet there's someone sitting in front of them the entire time who posses much of what they want, But they don't seem to notice me. It's quite frustrating actually. Thanks for your input, very much appreciated.

[cixelsiD]

Your damn right allot can change in short periods of time. Like I have mentioned in reply's to others who have been kind enough to give some really good input like yourself, but of course after you gave your input. In the 1 1/2 years that we were not speaking, she change significantly, problem is, mostly for the better, Which just attracts me more. She has definitely taken a serious hit on her self confidence though. In recent times, aside from the usual advice I've been giving her to help, I have also been trying to help rebuild her self confidence. Telling her all kinds of reasons why she has no reason to have the issue's that she has. Which is true, she does have allot going for her, and is a very beautiful girl or "hot" if you will. She's very fun and exciting to be around, of course when she's not distraught. Also the relationships that are with BF'S with big issues is more of a recent development. I think as some things that has happened in her life to bring down her self confidence, has also play a role in the type of people she has begun going after. The decline in her self confidence and the decline in the quality of people she has gone after walk hand in hand. As her self confidence has dropped, so has the quality of people she surrounds herself with. We all make bad decisions from time to time, but I feel that the bad decisions she's made concerning lower quality boyfriends seems to have created a new style cycle to what I've seen from her in the past. I have been working with her in attempts and hopes to break this relatively new cycle she's been running, before it's too late. And judging on how hard I find this situation, I can only expect you faced quite a few of the same challenges, and the difficulties that it brings. She's never looked at me with anything more than friendship in mind, which makes things difficult because we are so compatible with each other. I of course would still like to pursue a relationship beyond friendship. I have always felt that having a friendship first before dating would ultimately produce a stronger relationship. Especially a best friend, we know everything about each other. Besides the fact that at one point our friendship failed, we did what doesn't happen to often. After re-uniting, we proved that our friendship could withstand the test of hardship and time. Again, I am one of the very few that has done this with her. I also noticed the pattern of her maintaining friendships with some of her ex's after the fact. Maintaining a friendship, should things not work out in dating, is of lesser concern for me. I do have a question though. How did you manage to overcome proving yourself to at least become a love interest? How did you manage to entice her to look at you as more than a friend? And early on in your friendships prior to dating, did either of them make a conscious effort in hopes that you wouldn't fall for them? Was there seemingly impossible odds? When we first became friends this sort of thing did play a role for us. But that was 10 years ago, allot has changed since then as we've grown in mind and body. My girl in question was very difficult for me to gain her trust and the best friend status. But proof is in the pudding that I have already overcome some really big hurdles with her, and created an extremely strong, trusting bond with each other. Her upbringing has been difficult for her, and she had been raped in her early teens by and old guy. There are very few guys (boyfriends included) who have been able to accomplish this bond of trust we have. I know that I'm most likely thinking on selfish terms with what I want with her. But on the other hand, I also know that I'll treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I appreciate that you took time to help out, thank you.