help Plz....

[confused34]

This is my first post. Just found this site a couple days ago and I'm glad I did.

Sorry this post is so long but I feel I need to explain everything that me and my ex have gone through which will help me vent.

 

I am a 34/m she is 29. We have been together for almost 12 years. She was 17 I was 22 when we met.

 

We both had rough childhoods. My parents split when I was 7 and was raised by an alcoholic father(who was never really much of a parent).

 

She was raised by her mom did drugs in front of her and never has really cared for her.

 

Since the day we have met I have dealt with issues of her drinking. At first it was not bad but she has always had a problem with drinking so much she would black out. There have been countless number of times where she would go drinking without me and then come home the next morning, no phone calls or anything. This has been our issue from the start and it seemed to only get worse and not better. When she started doing this she was young so I thought in time she would learn to stop doing that, but it only got worse.....

 

Our first 4 years were good besides the drinking issues. We had a child after 2 years of dating. Around year 5 (when our child was 3) she got heavily into Crystal meth and I ended up leaving and taking our child and moved in with my mom. For 7 months she did this drug and I finally convinced her to go stay with her aunt(which is halfway accross the country) to help her kick her drug habbit and get away from the city we lived in which was a major issue of her doing it. She knew so many bad people there.

 

She stayed with her Aunt for 3 months. She admitted to me over the phone that she cheated on me with someone out there. It broke my heart. I stood by her for the 7 months while she was doing drugs, helped her pay the bills even though we were not living together, paid for her plane ticket to her aunt's and she cheats on me!!.

 

After telling me about the affair she had moves back and tells me that she only did it because she was confused and lonely without me there so i took her back...

 

We decided to move back to my old home town where I was raised so we could get her away from all her friends that were a bad influence on her. So we move I go to college for 2 years and find a good job.

 

Not long after I get my job she breaks up with me "says she does not love me" and leaves. Tells me there have been "other guys" I was so crushed, felt like I was going to die, I went on anti-depressants but got through it. My son stayed with me full time and she moved into an apartment in the next building. We had been broken up for a year and I was starting to get my life back again. One day I come home and find a letter in my mailbox. She up and left to move back home without even saying by to her son.

 

This only lasted a few months and she decided to move back because she missed our son. She had no where to stay so I let her live with me......

 

We ended up getting to close again and before I knew it we were once again a couple.

 

Since then we have basically been on and off for the last 3 years. We keep breaking up due to her drinking. Her drinking has come to the point where she can't keep jobs and it has always been financially draining on both of us.

She has been through 20 jobs in the last 3 years! And through our whole relationship I cannot even count how many times she goes out and does not come home until the next day without even a phone call. And I have not clue who she even goes out with, when I ask she says "just friends"....

 

I finally had enough and broke up with her 5 months ago. After the breakup she went back home for a visit. Ends up staying there for 2 1/2 months and comes back two weeks ago. She stayed at a friends for a week then tells me and our son she is moving back there. Before leaving she tells our son she has met someone and is in love and her new B/F wants to have a baby and marry her. (They have only been dating for 2 months).

 

I was fine until she came back and told my son this. Now I once again feel heat broken, I cannot eat, sleep and find it hard to work. All I do is think about her constantly...

 

I don't know what to do, I do not understand why right now I feel like this after everything I have been through with her. She cheated on me atleast twice that I know of , lies to me constantly, and is not much of a mother to our son. She is such a cold person and selfish. Her #1 priority in life is to party and go out with friends.

 

My faults:

She say's she could never be her self around me and that I have always tried to change her and have never accepted her friends. I do agree with her on that, I have never accepted her drinking and have tried for years to get her to stop. And as for her friends I never really hung out with them because they were like her and would do nothing but drink. The only thing I have tried to change about her was her "drinking". Which has been the cause of almost all our fights.

 

I have started so many fights with her over stupid little things. I know now this is due to the anger I have built up over the years about her bad habits and her cheating on me. I have also said so many bad things to her that I regret. I just did not know how to deal with my emotions and would take it out verbally. Although at first I was so calm with her, would tell her what she did that made me upset. But she never listened and continued to do them.

 

Through our whole relationship I have worked hard and have supported us.

I have financially supported our son by myself for so long due to her drinking problems and not holding jobs. I have supported her through her drinking and drugs and she has done nothing I feel but use me and take me for granted.

 

I am a good person, I have always been there for our son, I work hard, I have never cheated on her and I have always told her how much I love her.

 

So tell me why still after all of this how I can possibly have feelings for her? Why am I right now as I type this crushed over her finding a new b/f and being happy? I live with a constant knot in my stomach and find it so hard to go on day to day. I think of everything that we will not be able to do with each other anymore. I think of all the good things we had (which is really not many) and ignore the bad ones. I want her back so bad and I am confused at why I do.

 

I over analyze everything and I hate it. I can't stop thinking and wish I could. I am going to go to a counselor I should of years ago...

 

I have been in such an unhealthy relationship that I do not know right from wrong anymore. How can she tell me there is nothing wrong with going out and not coming home until the next day? Worst of all how can she be happy right now and I'm so miserable.

 

please help I'm so confused, mostly confused on why I have put up with this for so long. I text her non stop and can't help it.. I want her back so bad but don't know why......

 

I need to stop thinking but I cant....

[misssmithviii]

Firstly, keep going to that counselor.

 

That was a terribly unhealthy relationship and I know it's already re-wired your brain, this takes time and much effort to counter, especially after so many years.

 

You must take "can't" out of your vocabulary because you CAN do this. For you and your son, you cannot associate with her anymore - as many will say I'm sure, you must go with no contact. She is an addict, she is fickle, selfish and cold hearted... bottom line you AND your son deserve better.

 

She is the female example of my ex really, but I couldn't take it and I left after 18 months. I have a daughter from that relationship, but he is not involved in her life at all because of his negative influence. You must do that for yourself and your son.

 

To love her and want her back and text her non-stop tells me you have some serious co-dependency issues and you must realize you do not need her. There are so many more wonderfully healthy, loving and caring women out there who will treat you right, who can mother your son with as much love as if he were her own.

Her attention is not worth your agony. The longer you strive to get her back, the more you're stepping backwards in progressing towards living a healthy, positive life with your son...

[confused34]

so when she call's to talk to our son should I let her speak to him? I have never denied her contact with him before and have always encourage her to call him and see him more. Just when she phone's I always have the urge to speak to her also.

 

I'm surprised how well our son has taken this. He cried when she left but has not said much since. I have encouraged him to talk to me about her when he misses her but it seems like right now he does not miss her at all. I guess he is usto her always taking off to visit her home town and she leaves for months at a time. Even when we were apart living in the same city she would only maybe see him once a week for a few hours at a time.

[confused34]

forgot to add this but she say's she moved because she want's go get her ***t together and she is unhappy out there. And by moving out there and being happy she can be a better parent. Not sure how moving that far away will make you a better parent.

 

I asked her what she is exactly going to do when she is out there to make herself a better mother etc. She says "I don't know". And I find out last night she is doing ecstasy and drinking with her "new" better friends. Her moving out there to get "better" is a complete lie. If she was wanting to get better she would be going into detox then a treatment center.

[misssmithviii]

As a forewarning: I am typing this in a very firm tone...

 

What is love to you if you think she can continually lie, abuse drugs, manipulate and cheat, abandon and persist in this without real remorse or change and still even THINK she loves her son?

 

Do not mistake for a moment that she is anything other than a bad influence. You cannot possibly put more importance on anything but your own child and your wellbeing. She has acted this way for years, it is her personality and she truly does not care if she is still doing these bad things and making b/s excuses/lies.

 

Reading this, I am appalled at how you could even for a moment think to want her back... and those are some things you really must do some self-reflecting (NOT SELF PITY) on.

 

What's even more saddening to me is I fear you've lived this way and in this mindset for so long that you will continue... if you do, that's such a shame.

 

Think of your child. He's where your attention should be, NOT THIS DRUGGED OUT JUNKIE of a mother.

[misssmithviii]

*phew* I got pretty heated there... it's because I made the mistake of using cocaine when I was trying to work things out with my ex [he 'forced' me to, saying that if I didn't he wouldn't stay with me, but if we weren't together he'd set out to make my life h*ll and murder whomever I got into a relationship with afterwards...] long ago while our baby daughter was born and being babysat by my father. I had endless guilt... more so than I thought I could handle and that morning I actually walked up to the police who were there to arrest my ex, and turned myself in saying I had used, but am not addicted and feel like I should basically pay for what I had done.

 

I hate even thinking about that time in my life and it nearly brings me to tears when I think of it. It makes me sick to my stomach... and I'm thankful I've finally been able to forgive myself. I only made that mistake ONCE. ONCE and I felt like the worst person on the planet. This woman lives it and she has no remorse?!

 

Your son already seems to have been reaping the after-effects of this contact by becoming cold towards it. I cannot imagine how much this must hurt him, and to also see his father not taking action against it. You must not let her continue to be an influence in his life NOR yours unless she cleans up her act for real... but that is HIGHLY unlikely.

 

On another note however, I think you need to make some changes in yourself and your views toward her. You're a good man, you do not need this girl. I know it's hard, but you deserve much more... and so does your son.

[confused34]

thank you so much for your advice. Your so right and I am going to do everything I can to change the way I feel about her. I need to for me and my son. She is a very bad influence and sometimes I wonder how much she actually loves him. Many times in our 12 year relationship she has went on these "Visits" back home and always have stayed for alteast 2 months. Many of the times when she came back she would want me to bring our son over and would watch him for a few hours then tell me to pick him up because she made "plans" and wants to go out. I was so upset when she did this. I mean you don't see your son for 2-3 months and you make plans the same night or next day you get back and can't spend more then a few hours with him????

 

Everyone tells me that I should try and find someone to get over her. I know that would be a big mistake because I am so emotionally screwed up that I do not want to bring that into another relationship.

 

Hopefully seeing a counselor and forcing my self to not contact her will help me eventually see and overcome the problems I have fallen into with this relationship.

[misssmithviii]

You're welcome, please let it not be in vain.

 

You are not beyond help, you just need to accept what has happened, accept the facts and consciously not make excuses for her. In fact, do all you can to erase her from your mind. Talk to your counselor about what things you can do mentally on the daily, and how to internally handle it when she does try to contact.

 

You must build your own confidence (which I think has been beaten down whether by your own actions or not) so I suggest you take some time to go do something you love, go out to a theme park with your son, make a daily routine to exercise, make little goals for yourself like losing weight or changing something easy first and it will help you build up to showing you how much better you deserve.

 

You are wise to know you are not ready for another relationship just yet. Focus on yourself and your son.

 

You will be fine as long as you work at it and you put in the effort. Change her contact name in your phone to DO NOT ANSWER ;] And show her that she cannot continue to act as such and walk all over you like she has been (treating you like a doormat). You are better than that, the sooner you start feeling privileged for more, for a beautiful, healthy and stable woman - the more you will start making better decisions for you and your son.

 

I wish you and your son the very best.

[Partime_Judas]

MissSmith is totally right. Here's the thing, you say you love her right? That is why you feel the urge to call her and why you're miserable. But consider this, if you love someone, you want them to be happy right? With or without you if she's happy, it should set your heart at ease. Especially if she was finally able to get her * * * * together and manages to keep it together.

 

As for you, you're taking care of your son right? If there is even a hint of drugs in your ex's life, move for full custody. If you love your son, then there really isn't another option. Drugs represent a hazard to his development and well being. Keeping him safe should be number one. While your ex might complain should this happen, all she has to do is decide to stop using. (Yes, I know this makes it sound ridiculously more simple than it is really is in reality). If she truly cares she'll get help, if not, then move on. You are a good guy, but being a good guy doesn't mean you can fix other people's lives for them. It is her decision to be clean and stay clean and it will have to be that way for her to be successful.

 

Finally, you have three options (that I can think of at the moment) to get over or at least ease the heartache. 1. Raise you son, keep involved in his life, you're the only parent he's got for now. 2. Find some hobbies or other distracting activities that you can do (bonus points if you can incorporate your son into the and expose him to more of the wonders the world has) 3. Let go. She chose to leave your life. There are many women out there and while following 1 and 2 you just might run into one that clicks with you on an even deeper level. Don't sell yourself short and don't let nice guys finish last Everybody deserves some happiness in their lives. Get out there buddy!

[Lostbutokay]

Oh man, couple things for you.

 

As much as you miss this girl, and want to be there for her and just wish she could change in a flash. She isn't going too.

 

There are woman 100000x better than what this woman has offered you. You need to get out of this now. If she asks to see her son, so be it, be rational about it.

 

However this girl has cheated on you twice and you still take her back? How long until you realize that this girl is nothing but a negative impact on you. Earn some self-esteem bro. As much as it hurts common. With all that stuff you said about you, you are one helluva catch and need to get back into the dating world. You WILL find a woman somehwere along those lines that will love you and could even be a positive impact on your son.

 

My mom left my dad because he was addicted to drugs and she wanted to get out. He tried to get clean (he is now, but this is a long time ago), but failed during the time. My mom met a new man and that man to me is like a father. There is no reason that a new woman won't be a good thing for you and your son.

 

I'm going to blunt, but GROW SOME BALLS. This woman is stepping all over you. Be the man that you are.

[confused34]

yes I love my son more then anything. As far as wanting her to be happy, I don't think I can until I am fully over her. I will file for full custody. Thanks for the advice, I am going to try and stay as active as I can to keep me busy and to stop this thinking I have

[misssmithviii]

You are a good guy, but being a good guy doesn't mean you can fix other people's lives for them...

 

...Don't sell yourself short and don't let nice guys finish last Everybody deserves some happiness in their lives. Get out there buddy!

 

Beautiful quotes you made there, and I think it's very, very true

 

@confused34: You are very well supported here, and you have people who want what's best for you and your son even right here!

 

You are well on your way, and I'm glad you decided to come here and talk about it. Whenever you overwhelmed with feeling/thinking this way, do not hesitate to talk to someone. And when you do feel this way a little, re read this thread... remember what we've said. Keep no contact, do what's best for you and your son and everything will be fine I promise.