confused34 Posted May 2, 2010 Share Posted May 2, 2010 This is my first post. Just found this site a couple days ago and I'm glad I did. Sorry this post is so long but I feel I need to explain everything that me and my ex have gone through which will help me vent. I am a 34/m she is 29. We have been together for almost 12 years. She was 17 I was 22 when we met. We both had rough childhoods. My parents split when I was 7 and was raised by an alcoholic father(who was never really much of a parent). She was raised by her mom did drugs in front of her and never has really cared for her. Since the day we have met I have dealt with issues of her drinking. At first it was not bad but she has always had a problem with drinking so much she would black out. There have been countless number of times where she would go drinking without me and then come home the next morning, no phone calls or anything. This has been our issue from the start and it seemed to only get worse and not better. When she started doing this she was young so I thought in time she would learn to stop doing that, but it only got worse..... Our first 4 years were good besides the drinking issues. We had a child after 2 years of dating. Around year 5 (when our child was 3) she got heavily into Crystal meth and I ended up leaving and taking our child and moved in with my mom. For 7 months she did this drug and I finally convinced her to go stay with her aunt(which is halfway accross the country) to help her kick her drug habbit and get away from the city we lived in which was a major issue of her doing it. She knew so many bad people there. She stayed with her Aunt for 3 months. She admitted to me over the phone that she cheated on me with someone out there. It broke my heart. I stood by her for the 7 months while she was doing drugs, helped her pay the bills even though we were not living together, paid for her plane ticket to her aunt's and she cheats on me!!. After telling me about the affair she had moves back and tells me that she only did it because she was confused and lonely without me there so i took her back... We decided to move back to my old home town where I was raised so we could get her away from all her friends that were a bad influence on her. So we move I go to college for 2 years and find a good job. Not long after I get my job she breaks up with me "says she does not love me" and leaves. Tells me there have been "other guys" I was so crushed, felt like I was going to die, I went on anti-depressants but got through it. My son stayed with me full time and she moved into an apartment in the next building. We had been broken up for a year and I was starting to get my life back again. One day I come home and find a letter in my mailbox. She up and left to move back home without even saying by to her son. This only lasted a few months and she decided to move back because she missed our son. She had no where to stay so I let her live with me...... We ended up getting to close again and before I knew it we were once again a couple. Since then we have basically been on and off for the last 3 years. We keep breaking up due to her drinking. Her drinking has come to the point where she can't keep jobs and it has always been financially draining on both of us. She has been through 20 jobs in the last 3 years! And through our whole relationship I cannot even count how many times she goes out and does not come home until the next day without even a phone call. And I have not clue who she even goes out with, when I ask she says "just friends".... I finally had enough and broke up with her 5 months ago. After the breakup she went back home for a visit. Ends up staying there for 2 1/2 months and comes back two weeks ago. She stayed at a friends for a week then tells me and our son she is moving back there. Before leaving she tells our son she has met someone and is in love and her new B/F wants to have a baby and marry her. (They have only been dating for 2 months). I was fine until she came back and told my son this. Now I once again feel heat broken, I cannot eat, sleep and find it hard to work. All I do is think about her constantly... I don't know what to do, I do not understand why right now I feel like this after everything I have been through with her. She cheated on me atleast twice that I know of , lies to me constantly, and is not much of a mother to our son. She is such a cold person and selfish. Her #1 priority in life is to party and go out with friends. My faults: She say's she could never be her self around me and that I have always tried to change her and have never accepted her friends. I do agree with her on that, I have never accepted her drinking and have tried for years to get her to stop. And as for her friends I never really hung out with them because they were like her and would do nothing but drink. The only thing I have tried to change about her was her "drinking". Which has been the cause of almost all our fights. I have started so many fights with her over stupid little things. I know now this is due to the anger I have built up over the years about her bad habits and her cheating on me. I have also said so many bad things to her that I regret. I just did not know how to deal with my emotions and would take it out verbally. Although at first I was so calm with her, would tell her what she did that made me upset. But she never listened and continued to do them. Through our whole relationship I have worked hard and have supported us. I have financially supported our son by myself for so long due to her drinking problems and not holding jobs. I have supported her through her drinking and drugs and she has done nothing I feel but use me and take me for granted. I am a good person, I have always been there for our son, I work hard, I have never cheated on her and I have always told her how much I love her. So tell me why still after all of this how I can possibly have feelings for her? Why am I right now as I type this crushed over her finding a new b/f and being happy? I live with a constant knot in my stomach and find it so hard to go on day to day. I think of everything that we will not be able to do with each other anymore. I think of all the good things we had (which is really not many) and ignore the bad ones. I want her back so bad and I am confused at why I do. I over analyze everything and I hate it. I can't stop thinking and wish I could. I am going to go to a counselor I should of years ago... I have been in such an unhealthy relationship that I do not know right from wrong anymore. How can she tell me there is nothing wrong with going out and not coming home until the next day? Worst of all how can she be happy right now and I'm so miserable. please help I'm so confused, mostly confused on why I have put up with this for so long. I text her non stop and can't help it.. I want her back so bad but don't know why...... I need to stop thinking but I cant.... Link to comment
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