So frustrated with my husband's family!!

[eggplant47]

One of my nephews is graduating in May and turning 18 in June. When I saw my SIL (his mom) at Easter, she made a point to tell me that she wasn't sure when, but she would be throwing him a big party around that time & wanted everyone to come.

 

My husband and I also have a dear friend who is getting out of the Marines and finally coming home We agreed that we wanted to host a big welcome home party for him and I would like to do this May 15th.

 

Since the date was getting closer and I hadn't heard anything about the Grad. party I called my SIL a few days ago to make sure that she was not planning her party for the same date. She said she wasn't sure yet if she'd be using that date but the party would be "sometime" in May or June...

I talked to my husband about it that night & explained that I wanted to go ahead and send out the invites for the welcome home party & hope that his sister didn't choose that date. We initially agreed that if she did, we would have to just send our gift to our nephew up with someone else.

 

Somehow the subject came up today while my Husband was talking with his mom & she indicated that she would be very hurt if my Husband missed this party for any reason... Now he's saying that if his sister chooses the same date, he will have to leave me here to host on my own & go to his nephew's party.

 

I don't want to be unreasonable but we've already sent out e-vites & there's no way I can prepare for and host a cook-out for 40 people by myself!! I really need his help. And I think it's extremely unfair for his family to expect us to keep every week end in May and June open waiting to be notified of this Graduation party.

 

Am I unreasonable for wanting to go ahead with our plans? Also has anyone else out there gotten married and suddenly felt like a stranger in a foreign land surrounded by customs they just don't understand?

 

Thanks for replies!

[bebelight]

If she wants you to come to her party, then she can make sure it's not on the same day as previous commitments of yours. I would tell her that you have plans for the 15th. Not unreasonable in the least! Wonderful that your planning the party too

 

My dad's side of the family is "waspy" and into "social climbing." If someone doesn't understand why they want to pay an arm and leg for a plate with a dolop of food on it they go insane! I like to imagine I'm part of a sitcom. Humor makes everything better.

[aireyc]

No, you're not unreasonable. You've been very considerate of the other side of the family, and they haven't been very proactive in trying to get schedules set. But, there are a few things to consider:

 

#1) It seems the problem is with your MIL and not your SIL. This could be a communication problem. Was your MIL previously aware of the party you are planning to host?

 

#2) If your husband agreed to help with the coming home party, he should help you first and foremost. It seems the main problem is that he'd hurt his mother's feelings, but even if she wasn't aware of your party, she's not being considerate of your life and your schedule. Her intentions are probably good, but that doesn't justify you having to change your plans.

 

#3) Make sure the other side of the family is well aware of your party. There's no reason they should set your nephew's party to the date of your party given the fact it's so up in the open now. If a 8-9 week period is currently in the open, there's no reason it HAS to be the day you have yours. And if they schedule it for that day? Again, not considerate of you.

 

As far as the whole stranger in a foreign land, I can't relate personally, but I am very aware of friends stuck in that very situation. The reality comes down to this being an issue between you and your significant other. He needs to get his priorities straight and uphold his previous commitments to you.

[eggplant47]

If she wants you to come to her party, then she can make sure it's not on the same day as previous commitments of yours. I would tell her that you have plans for the 15th. Not unreasonable in the least! Wonderful that your planning the party too

 

My dad's side of the family is "waspy" and into "social climbing." If someone doesn't understand why they want to pay an arm and leg for a plate with a dolop of food on it they go insane! I like to imagine I'm part of a sitcom. Humor makes everything better.

 

Haha! What a great idea! I'll pretend I've been cast in a spin off of Everybody Loves Raymond! Thanks

[eggplant47]

You are right. It does frustrate me sometimes that my SIL is a little...flaky but my MIL, at least of late, has been more difficult than my SIL. It's a difficult time for her because her husband of 30 some yrs. recently walked out on her. I suspect it's making her extra sensitive about wanting the family to be together.

 

I also think this is part of the reason Hubby was willing to bail on me... I know he's been extremely worried about his mom being older and all alone. So he's more susceptible to motherly guilt!

 

Now that I've explained my position & he's considered the feelings of our friend I think that he's decided to co-host again.

 

Thank you

[OptomisticGirl]

Well you told your SIL the date of your party, surely she wouldn't host her's that date as well, already knowing you are. I mean, it would be different if you both just happened to plan two parties on the same day but she has yet to put a date on her's and you have.

 

Glad to know the husband is going to be co-hosting again.

[eggplant47]

Well you told your SIL the date of your party, surely she wouldn't host her's that date as well, already knowing you are. I mean, it would be different if you both just happened to plan two parties on the same day but she has yet to put a date on her's and you have.

 

Glad to know the husband is going to be co-hosting again.

 

Thanks! I'm hoping that telling her we're unavailable that day will be enough too. But she's just kinda flaky. I mean, she's a very intelligent person when it comes to her business... but god love her, the details of her personal life are like in one ear & out the other!

[turnera]

Did you send her and your MIL an invitation to your homecoming party?

[annie24]

oh geez, family drama. i think that since the SIL has been so wishy washy about the date of the graduation party, i think you did the right thing in just sending out invites for may 15th. that makes sense to me.

 

i'd be pretty annoyed if your husband decided to leave you alone to do all the cooking on your own. maybe you can have a mutual friend help you out with the stuff for the cookout?

[eggplant47]

Did you send her and your MIL an invitation to your homecoming party?

 

Thanks for replying. No, we didn't send them an invitation. I don't think either of them have ever even met the guest of honor before.

[eggplant47]

oh geez, family drama. i think that since the SIL has been so wishy washy about the date of the graduation party, i think you did the right thing in just sending out invites for may 15th. that makes sense to me.

 

i'd be pretty annoyed if your husband decided to leave you alone to do all the cooking on your own. maybe you can have a mutual friend help you out with the stuff for the cookout?

 

Yeah, we have a couple mutual friends pitching in But my husband has also decided that it's important not to bail on his buddy. Thanks for the response!

[annie24]

oh good. hopefully now that SIL has gotten the invite for the 15th, she chooses to have the party for the nephew on some other day. like the 14th or the 16th at least!!!

[turnera]

Thanks for replying. No, we didn't send them an invitation. I don't think either of them have ever even met the guest of honor before.

 

Well, it's a great way for the two families to start becoming closer and more inclusive...I've been invited to lots of things where I didn't personally know the guest of honor.

[eggplant47]

Well, it's a great way for the two families to start becoming closer and more inclusive...I've been invited to lots of things where I didn't personally know the guest of honor.

 

Thanks for responding

 

Well, the guest of honor isn't actually a part of my family. He's a friend of mine & my husbands & we let him decide the guest list. We're all in our late 20's while our parents are in their 60's. I think he's really just looking forward to cutting loose with his friends, he didn't even invite his own parents!