Can’t somebody help me?

[privatejay20]

OK so I'll try to make a very long story as short as possible. Even though I know it'll be somewhat time consuming please just take the time to read this, as I'm in desperate need of counsel or advice. Please just give me your thoughts.

 

I'm 20 years old and my life so far has been nothing but a curse! I've always been gay, Beyond imagination physically abused at the hands of my mother until I was about 15yrs, NEVER allowed to go out side until about age 18, working since 15 and at 18 bought my first car, sadly enough on my first day owning it my mom and step dad's car broke down ironically the same day. Which forced me to have to lead them my first car for almost a year, barely being able to drive it when their busy schedule permitted me to. When the economy to a nose dive, my parents lost their home improvement business. Which in turn made me the only working person in the house, forcing me to hand over huge portions of my checks to help my mom out. Even when they both worked she'd still ask me for $2-$3 hundred dollars every pay period. My mom and step dad have a very strange relationship. My mother is the dominate person in the relationship, and they don't fight as often now. But every year they have a built-up domestic, that is unlike any domestic you have every seen. It becomes very violent to points that I'm always stuck in the middle helping my mother. Which I hate!

 

I moved out because I was so stressed out from years of being oppressed last summer with a friend. But that broke down when my friend got a boyfriend and he became very jealous even though he knew i was gay. So this forced me to painfully move back into the devils den my parents house early this fall. This was a very hard time for me, my pride was crushed having to asked to come back. They had another yearly domestic, which got so bad that I had to call off work for damn there a week to help my mother and secure the house from my enraged step dad! I lost my job as a receptionist in the process, My mother told me this time she was done and for some reason i believed her. So me being very mature for my age helped her to get all her affairs together, and in turn for all the help and sacrifices I'd made that I thought she noticed she promised me $700 for my cna class, that I was preparing to take before they fought. I had the money already saved two times over but when this happen my mother needed it so I stupidly gave it to her trusting that she would repay me. She never has not once! so why did i believe her this time? Those courses was my guaranteed way out to secure employment and save money to move out.

 

They obviously get back together, I was forced again like many other times in my life forced to face the man that I fought with and despised! And my mother like always expected me to respect him and act as if nothing happened. She soon forgets about all the help and support I gave her and all the promises she rendered me. She pushed me to the side and they lived their life as if nothing happened like always. In the end I'm the person hurt again. With out a job, forced to where a plastic smile, no money for my planed schooling this summer, and just over all dropped by the waste side. Now this summer they don't have a car again so they of course take control of mine again, never keeping up on maintained and driving it to the ground. Now it's sitting in the driveway from over heating. Their buying a new car now basically saying " * * * * you and hopefully you'll get it your car fixed that we broke" with what money?

 

I could keep going on the misfortunes of my current life but most of you would probably think it from some movie. These days I'm down in my room all day! trying to keep as far a way from them as possible. I had friends but can't communicate with them because i now have no cell phone and there's no house phone. My car has been occupied until now, but it's now nonoperative. So I have no communications with anyone but the people here. I live in a rural area where there's no jobs so i needed my car. I'm lonely, and tired, I have painstakingly tried everything imaginable to free my self from this realistic prison but there's no way. I've reached out to family and friends but no success. I love my mother, she raised 6 kids with no help and I do know that she loves me but to what degree is hard to say. I believe she wants me to stay here and never to leave so that she has a crouch since everybody else moved out except the smallest two and my self.

 

I'm at my wits end, I officially have no way out now! I don't know where to turn and what to do. I'm lonely, and desperate to get away and just go to school and free my self. I wish I could just run away but that's not an option. My daily life here is unimaginable!, And most would never be able to tell from the outside looking in. I wish i could be rescued or something, I just want a chance to live since I've never been able to live a normal life. I don't know why I'm writing this? Since there's really nothing anybody can do to save me. I guess it just feels good to get just a little of this life off my chest! Thanks for reading anyways, back to my lonely cell.

[flyoffthewall]

It stinks that you have been through all of that. No one is going to swoop in and save you, however. You have to leave. There is always a way.

 

You start your post by saying that your mother abused you for years. You do not owe it to her to stay with her, no matter how hard her life was. Go to a shelter, if you need to. Find a job--a menial one if necessary. Save your money and get a small, cheap place of your own as soon as you can. You are an adult now. You can make your own choices and it is now up to you to stand alone.

 

If you want it badly enough, you can do it. I wish you the best.

[privatejay20]

I really appreciate you taking the time to read my post, seeing that no one else wants to lol. Yeah I've thought about shelters and things but honestly I'm afraid of going to a place like that. And the time that I would have to be there. Thank you again, your kind words really means a lot!

[Citlali]

You need to leave. Stop giving that woman, and her man, your money and time. For God's sake. How can a mother do that? It irks me to no end to see that a woman brings a life into the world only to raise it in misery and to put herself and her needs and some horrible man before her children. You deserve much better. If you managed to get out before, you can do it again. Stop giving them money. Say you're saving up for your classes or something else, but don't give in again. Don't let them monopolize your time or emotions. Work hard and save up. You don't have to live with a friend to move out. Just find another roommate. The only way you will ever be able to build a normal life and live it the way you want and deserve is to get away from them and NEVER look back. Don't be so trusting anymore. I will admit shelters can be terrible places, so I wouldn't jump at the chance of going to one if I were you. But definitely save up and find someone with whom you can rent a cheap place. Make some friends, see if they can help you. Go to organizations that help abused youth. There are many options. You just have to keep on going. Where there is a will there is a way. You can do it. The desire to get out will keep you going. Don't give up.

[flyoffthewall]

You're welcome. Now G E T O U T!