How often do you see your significant other?

[faithful14]

my best friend wanted some input from you guys here about her relationship troubles. Some background here is: they have been together for five years and they have always had the same argument as always: the amount of time they spend with one another. He's more an independent type of guy and he puts a lot of time into his work and his friends while she has her own things too, but she likes to give more of her free time to being with him.He likes spending time with her also but he likes his personal space too. She thinks after all these years, he should be wanting to be with her more often not less. They see each other twice a week but now she wants more and since she has been arguing with him for weeks on this, he has started pulling away. What can she do to make him want see her more often? Is anyone had to deal with something similar?

[pumpkinmoon]

In that situation I don't think she can do anything to make him want to see her more. He either does or he doesn't. I see mine every weekend from friday night to monday morning. We both have too much to do in the week.

[sunshine1]

I have been having this discussion with my best friend lately. Her boyfriend will go a week without talking to her at all - no texts, calls, nothing. She said she always preferred to be in a relationship where she speaks to her bf on a daily basis and she is sick of not getting what she wants out of the relationship. We kind of came to the agreement that you shouldn't have to lower your expectations completely. I told her that if her bf wasn't willing to work out some type of compromise with her - then she should leave. I told her I don't think its unreasonable to ask him to get in contact with her 2 or 3 times a week - even if its just a quick text.

 

I think your friend should do the same - let him know she is expecting more and can he try to compromise with her. If not then I would leave, because 5 years is a long time to not want to see your partner for more than 2 days a week, IMO.

 

I would say "If after 5 years you don't want to see me for more than 2 days a week then I am going to leave the relationship"...IF he is not willing to compromise.

[dragon lady]

We see each other every day and spend a lot of our free time together. We will be living together soon, so I guess we will see each other even more. Neither of us feel smothered at this point, but we haven't been a couple for very long. He might get sick of me soon. I'm actually thinking of doing more on my own to help prevent any possible future smothered feelings.

 

Twice a week after 5 years doesn't sound like much. I wouldn't be happy in that situation...

[sidehop]

Being independent and having the space is healthy but two days out of the week seems very sporadic. If he has time to hand out with his friends I'm sure he can put some effort into the relationship if that's what he wants.

 

I agree with sunshine, I highly doubt a guy like this would suddenly change if they were to get married and she expected him home more often let alone having children. She needs to make it clear for him.

[faithful14]

So you think that since he sees her so little, that he may not have any interest in her? I think deep down that's what is worrying her, that he may not want to be with her in the long run; despite the fact that he has mentioned to me that he sees a future with her.

[alli]

Hmm, well my bf & I live together so it's a bit different. We see each other most days (I'm out of town for work usually half of the work week). But typically on a weeknight when I work in town, we'll both get home in the evening, greet each other, do our own thing for a while (for instance, he will usually mow the lawn, help the neighbor on a car project or other manly, garage things, and I will clean the house, vaccuum, do some wedding planning, work out) So in the end, each evening we might have dinner together & watch tv for an hour or two before going to bed. Weekends we'll usually do something together, if I'm not working then!

 

I don't know, I guess after being together long enough you don't really feel the need to be completely attached at the hip, doing everything together. It's nice to see each other most days, but typically we don't spend much time together each day.

 

Your friend's situation is different since they don't live together. It would be hard for your friend to do as we do since they don't share a household. So two days a week together, do they see each other on the weekend but not at all during the week?

 

He might be pulling away because of the way she's bringing this up, making him feel smothered maybe? Or, maybe he was pulling away in the first place & her feelings are the result of him doing that.

[sidehop]

I would personally consider personal space like couple days out of the week. If this is a serious relationship leading to marriage I'm sure two days will not cut it; I mean how are you going to really get to know someone by only seeing your potential life long partner two days out of the week?

 

Unless of course if they both wanted this type of relationship in which case she doesn't.

[faithful14]

Alli: yes, they see each other mostly on friday and saturday nights. I think he's pulled away from her because of the constant arguing but if he's just pulling away in general, then I don't know.

 

Sidehop: he has mentioned that he does see himself marrying her...but then again, I'm her best friend so if he's lying, he wouldn't tell me the truth.

[sunshine1]

Unless of course if they both wanted this type of relationship in which case she doesn't.

 

Exactly, I only think seeing your partner 2 days a week after 5 years..is ok...if BOTH partners agree to it and think its best for the relationship. Otherwise, I think 2 days is too little time.

[alli]

Alli: yes, they see each other mostly on friday and saturday nights. I think he's pulled away from her because of the constant arguing but if he's just pulling away in general, then I don't know.

 

Well, there's probably more to it than you know. Most people don't spill every gory detail of their relationships & fights to others, even if it is a best friend.

 

I don't see why saying "I wish we would see each other more. I miss you & would love to see you more during the week" would turn into some big fight. They've been together 5 years, & yet they have no current plans to get married or move in together. Maybe they (or one of them) is at a point where they feel like the relationship isn't going anywhere & wants to end it.

[faithful14]

He gets mad because he says he has alot to do during the week and he feels as though he's making enough time to be with her already?! PLans of moving in and marriage are a no go because they are both in school still. He's 23 and she's 20 and neither can be financially independent yet.

[alli]

He gets mad because he says he has alot to do during the week and he feels as though he's making enough time to be with her already?! PLans of moving in and marriage are a no go because they are both in school still. He's 23 and she's 20 and neither can be financially independent yet.

 

Ah, younger than I thought considering the length of their relationship. Is he really that incredibly busy that it would be that much of a hardship to see each other during the week? I wonder if he's just kind of checking out of the relationship.

[faithful14]

I honestly have no clue what he's doing all the time. I think that's what she's panicking over, that he might be checking out. She's asked him many times but he has said he still wants to be with her. I'm just as lost as she is on this so that's why I came on here to ask you guys.

[sidehop]

If this guy is really serious about her I'm sure he can make the time. Sounds like an excuse to me. He can tell her all day he wants to be with her but his action speaks otherwise.

[CaptainNapalm]

I think twice a week is definitely not enough and that puts your friend in the right for sure in my opinion. If they are in a long-term, commited relationship with future potential it would make sense that the majority portion of their time should be spent together rather than apart or with individual friends. Everyone's different but I would say seeing each other 4 times per week and having 3 days a week for individual needs would make sense. Even this in my opinion would be considered not enough for many. I'm only in a casual relationship with someone right now but we still see each other an average of 3-4 times a week.

[faithful14]

I hear what you guys are saying, but what should she do now? I know she doesn't want to break up with him because then there would be no reason to ask for advice. Can she do anything to change the situation?

[alli]

I hear what you guys are saying, but what should she do now? I know she doesn't want to break up with him because then there would be no reason to ask for advice. Can she do anything to change the situation?

 

If I were her, I would ask him flat out if he wants to break up. It's not like he would say "Gee, I never thought of that but now that you mention it, it sounds like a good idea". Call out that elephant in the room & find out what he really wants. He won't answer yes to that question unless he's been thinking about it already & just hasn't gotten the intestinal fortitude to bring it up. Ignoring the issue will only stretch out the inevitable over a longer, painful period of time.

[CaptainNapalm]

I hear what you guys are saying, but what should she do now? I know she doesn't want to break up with him because then there would be no reason to ask for advice. Can she do anything to change the situation?

 

Unfortunately, there isn't much she can do. You already mentioned that he's starting to pull away from her more if she keeps bringing up the subject so I suspect comprimising will not work in her favor at this time. He just happens to be the type of person who likes to have lots of space in a relationship so rather than trying to change his habits, thinking and way of life she should decide if she wants to be in a relationship with someone like that. It appears that this is his nature so any effort on her part will only result in temporary fix at best and she will ultimately be faced with this problem again. She can either learn to adapt to this type of relationship or find a new one she's more comfortable in.

[petite]

I actually had a friend in a similar situation some time ago, they were together for 3 years or so, but would only see each other on Wednesdays and Sundays. He was pretty happy with this arrangement, but she wasn't. After they spoke about it, he agreed to spend more time together. I think from 2 days a week they started spending 4 days together. They were both happy with that arrangement and now they are married.

Personally, I wouldn't be happy with 2 days. I see my new guy about 4-5 times a week and we both like that arrangement.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, my boyfriend and I are semi-long distance. However, when we aren't long distance, I see him just about every day. Been together for about 3 years now. We're best friends. Love hanging out together.

[Blue Skittles]

I've been with my bf about 4 months. We spend nearly every weekend together. Its hard cuz he works out of town a lot during the week so we often don't see each other throughout the week. When he is in town, I'm still trying to find the balance between me time and us time. But if he is in town we probably spend a couple nights during the week together too. Granted, it is a bit easier since he has his own place and i work close to his house so its easy to stop by after work.

 

I think after 5 years I would be wanting a lot more out of the relationship - understandable that they are young so probably not wanting to jump into a marriage yet, but it really depends on the situation (work schedules, friends, and other commitments tend to get in the way of quality relationship time). Maybe they should think about booking a vacation together or booking time off together in the summer so they'll get more time with each other.

[arcadefire]

I see my boyfriend around 5-7 days a week. We would love to see each other daily if possible during the week as we just can't get enough of each other (and can't get our hands off each other either!). It's been around half a year of doing this, though, and I hope it doesn't dwindle.

 

Your friend deserves more from a committed relationship. I would question her bf's priorities if he puts her second to his friends.

[Notreadyet87]

I've been with my guy for six years. The first two years we were long distance so we saw each other 2-3 times a month. Following that, for three years we saw each other anywhere from 3-7 days a week.

This year, we've saw each other 1-2 times a week. Partially because of our job situations and also because I'm a loner and lately I've preferred to not hang out with anyone too much, or else I go insane.

Next year things will probably shift to a few times a week. But for now I'm content.

I don't think he is.

[greywolf]

Honestly, I think it would be the opposite for me. The longer I'm with someone the more I realize that I don't need to spend every single second with them.