Poetry Guy Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 [Ok, this is long before I get to the questions, but it's to provide as much background info as possible rather than just throwing a question out there without at least some knowledge of the situation and circumstances] In my most recent relationship, I was the dumper. I've read through many of the posts in the "Dumpers who listen to their head, not their heart" thread and have gained some valuable insight. It's tough to say whether I dumped with my head or my heart, but based on what I've read, it seems that I did so more from my heart - out of my own fears and insecurities about the direction that I saw our relationship heading. This was not a fear of something positive, it was a fear that things were unravelling based on some of her own behavior and actions - or, rather, lack of actions. What's worse, is that I made the terrible mistake of turning to alcohol as a means of "coping" with her own inability to reciprocate the things that I wanted most: ie, open communication. Along those lines though, that is a problem recognized by my head. However, I'm also having doubts about my own judgment in whatever signs I may have potentially been misinterpreting. Neither of us had been in a relationship in almost two years, and so there was not only the adjustment of trying to get back into one, but of course the adjustment to one another. I "broke up with her" THREE times...in drunken text messages. The first time was more of a "you'd be better off with someone else", which still hurt her very badly, the second time was a "break up" that I don't even remember having texted, and that one hurt her even more. I promised that I would never do it again - and then two weeks later, I did it yet again. She genuinely believes that I dumped her, for real, and in a conscious state of mind but because it was the third time...I didn't put up much of a fight to try and "win her back" or convince her otherwise. I was too ashamed of my own behavior, and too hungover to think straight. Even though I was the one who technically "dumped" her, I also knew in that moment that any apology I could give would be meaningless since I had broken her trust and she was convinced that I didn't love her. I don't blame her. I tried to call her, but she sent me a text message stating: "You dumped me...that was your decision, not mine. I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone so I can get over this disappointing situation and move on." Those were her exact words. I tried to tell her how I really felt, and then I honored her request - not because I didn't still love her, but because I did not want to continue to put either one of us through grief and hurt. I did it because I thought I was doing both of us a favor. I immediately scheduled an appointment for some counseling and am looking forward to my second appointment this upcoming tuesday. This is about fixing me, not about trying to save the relationship. Right now, she hates me - and has said as much to her friends, my friends, and even on twitter. Yes, the breakup is only 8 days ago, and she has every right to hate me right now. I do, if nothing else, want to be able to provide her with the apology that I feel she deserves and to give her some kind of formal closure, but also to bring closure for both of us so that if nothing else we might be able to be friends in the future. I just don't like ending things on a bad note. Now on to the questions (finally): Would any of you even want an apology if you were in her shoes or would it just piss you off even more? How much time would you need to "cool off" before you would even be receptive to hearing one? For that matter, what would be some of the stages that any of you would go through if your boyfriend had done the things that I have? Would you ever want to hear from that person again or would you just literally want to walk away from it forever and never look back? Thanks...and sorry for such a huge post. I'm just genuinely feeling alot of remorse over having been such an idiot and an a-hole. Regardless of her own behavior, two wrongs don't make a right. Link to comment
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