Questions for the females who have been dumped

[Poetry Guy]

[Ok, this is long before I get to the questions, but it's to provide as much background info as possible rather than just throwing a question out there without at least some knowledge of the situation and circumstances]

 

In my most recent relationship, I was the dumper. I've read through many of the posts in the "Dumpers who listen to their head, not their heart" thread and have gained some valuable insight. It's tough to say whether I dumped with my head or my heart, but based on what I've read, it seems that I did so more from my heart - out of my own fears and insecurities about the direction that I saw our relationship heading. This was not a fear of something positive, it was a fear that things were unravelling based on some of her own behavior and actions - or, rather, lack of actions.

 

What's worse, is that I made the terrible mistake of turning to alcohol as a means of "coping" with her own inability to reciprocate the things that I wanted most: ie, open communication. Along those lines though, that is a problem recognized by my head. However, I'm also having doubts about my own judgment in whatever signs I may have potentially been misinterpreting. Neither of us had been in a relationship in almost two years, and so there was not only the adjustment of trying to get back into one, but of course the adjustment to one another.

 

I "broke up with her" THREE times...in drunken text messages. The first time was more of a "you'd be better off with someone else", which still hurt her very badly, the second time was a "break up" that I don't even remember having texted, and that one hurt her even more. I promised that I would never do it again - and then two weeks later, I did it yet again. She genuinely believes that I dumped her, for real, and in a conscious state of mind but because it was the third time...I didn't put up much of a fight to try and "win her back" or convince her otherwise. I was too ashamed of my own behavior, and too hungover to think straight. Even though I was the one who technically "dumped" her, I also knew in that moment that any apology I could give would be meaningless since I had broken her trust and she was convinced that I didn't love her.

 

I don't blame her.

 

I tried to call her, but she sent me a text message stating: "You dumped me...that was your decision, not mine. I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone so I can get over this disappointing situation and move on." Those were her exact words.

 

I tried to tell her how I really felt, and then I honored her request - not because I didn't still love her, but because I did not want to continue to put either one of us through grief and hurt. I did it because I thought I was doing both of us a favor. I immediately scheduled an appointment for some counseling and am looking forward to my second appointment this upcoming tuesday. This is about fixing me, not about trying to save the relationship.

 

Right now, she hates me - and has said as much to her friends, my friends, and even on twitter. Yes, the breakup is only 8 days ago, and she has every right to hate me right now. I do, if nothing else, want to be able to provide her with the apology that I feel she deserves and to give her some kind of formal closure, but also to bring closure for both of us so that if nothing else we might be able to be friends in the future. I just don't like ending things on a bad note.

 

Now on to the questions (finally): Would any of you even want an apology if you were in her shoes or would it just piss you off even more? How much time would you need to "cool off" before you would even be receptive to hearing one? For that matter, what would be some of the stages that any of you would go through if your boyfriend had done the things that I have? Would you ever want to hear from that person again or would you just literally want to walk away from it forever and never look back?

 

Thanks...and sorry for such a huge post. I'm just genuinely feeling alot of remorse over having been such an idiot and an a-hole. Regardless of her own behavior, two wrongs don't make a right.

[doiiiieeezie]

Honestly, I would leave her alone. By pouring more salt in a very open wound, you're making her feel worse. By allowing her to be angry/hurt/depressed etc, you're allowing her to do what she needs to do right now, which is take care of herself.

 

You broke up with her and it wasn't pretty. If 3-6 months down the road you wish to make amends and at least work things out into a friendship or whatever then I say by all means.

[QuirkyCute]

First, I just want to point out that listening to your heart does not equal listening to "fear and insecurity". Our hearts can be deceptive sometimes (blinders, fog, you name it), but our heads can be just as deceptive as we use them to convince ourselves of many things (rationalization and what have you)....and I would argue that fear and insecurity originate in the head and then fester.

 

But back on topic, I would want an apology if I were in her shoes (as I am waiting for one that I may never get, at least not when it matters anymore, at the moment). However, she told you to leave her alone, and you should. The reason I say this is related to the "head vs. heart" argument. She needs time to get back to normalcy. Without you. That way, she may be able to adequately process your apology, and the resulting closure that you wish to give, as just that: an apology and closure.

 

As for the timeline for "cooling off", I can't help you there. For me, while I want an apology, I'm not ready to see the guy. Too many feelings still. So, perhaps.....months away from each other would be appropriate. I honestly don't know, but communicating with her, in any way, may just make it harder for the both of you if you don't give it some time.

 

I would imagine that, because you broke up with her and it's not what she wanted, that she's going through what many of us here are. Shock, anger, sadness, etc. All the stages of grief that I'm sure you've heard about.

 

I would want to hear from the person that dumped me again, but I can't speak for her. Really, all you can do is give it time (and I, unfortunately, can't tell you how long is enough).

 

I hope that helped, at least a tiny bit

[Mauxly]

I would want an email at some point explaining that the dump wasn't due to anything that she did, and that it was all his own insanity. I'd also want a line in the email stating that he didn't expect a response...because he wouldn't get one.

 

If the email was in any way shape or form an attempt at reconciliation it would enrage me. It can't be. If you want to improve your karma, send an email with an explanation. However, if there is ANY desire to reconcile on your part, leave that poor girl alone.

 

You've played yo-yo with her heart and she didn't deserve it. And she doesn't deserve any more messing about.

[Mauxly]

Yeah, I forgot about the telling you to leave her alone. Scratch all that.

Leave her alone.

[Poetry Guy]

Thanks for the replies so far. All of them. Its appreciated.

 

Mauxly,

 

To a large degree, I appreciate your feedback the most. While I could sit here and attempt to justify my own behavior as a reaction to the things that she was doing and not doing (things that were important to me) I was nevertheless the one solely responsible for having chosen such a poor outlet for "coping" with it: the alcohol.

 

That falls on me, no excuses. There were much better ways I could have handled the situation.

[d_lilah]

I was dumped by text and then insulted. I had a very long angry stage. It's been four months since the actual breakup, and about 2 months of NC. Only now would I listen to him if he apologised. And despite how he treated me, and how things ended, I would accept. And even offer my own apology. And, in all honestly, I would like it if he did (but I know that will never happen).

 

Overall my stages were: grief, denial, anger, depression, acceptance...It's a yoyo and i'm just reaching normality now.

 

Time is definitely what you need. She is going to say things about you, but I can speak from personal experience that she won't mean all of them...A couple months is really what you should be prepared to wait. I think the NC of 8 weeks that people talk about on this forum not only apply to dumpers, but also dumpees.

 

But every situation is different.

[Mauxly]

That falls on me, no excuses. There were much better ways I could have handled the situation.

 

And that's why it's called 'live and learn'. Man I hate making my mistakes the hard way and losing something that I care about. But I have and I'm sure I will again.

 

Hopefully your next girlfriend will benefit from your newfound wisdom!

[DN]

You are all over the map with this breakup - you only recently posted this:

 

As I said in that thread: you were right to break up with her, wrong to try and get her back and right to stay away.

 

You really need to think your reactions through and remember why you dumped her in the first place.

[doiiiieeezie]

Wait, not to harp on you but a few days ago you were looking to write a letter to help start a reconciliation process and now you want to do it for closure?

 

I understand that you are hurting a lot and many things have happened in the past few weeks that are making your head spin. I would really take time, get your heart and head in order and let this pass before you make any kind of move. This breakup is still raw and it will take time... so give her the luxury of healing while you do as well.

[Poetry Guy]

To both of the above two posters:

 

Yeah, I know I'm "all over the map" about this breakup. Just alot of confusion on my end, obviously, and I mostly attribute that to the fact that I had started doing so much drinking during those final few weeks of the relationship that it's hard to really have a "good grasp" on what to say or think at this particular point in time. Remember, this breakup is only 8 days old and I'm just now starting therapy for whatever the heck it was that made me resort to alcohol in the first place.

 

That's why I'm asking so many questions though: to gain some perspective and to do my utmost best to take accountability for my own role as well as trying to overcome the remorse that I genuinely do feel.

 

It's complicated...but yeah, I need some time to do my own healing before I even make any kind of attempt at all to do whatever the heck it is that I'll ultimately end up doing. Either way, I do feel she deserves an apology for my own part in this. That's just who I am. I don't care how ugly and nasty she may have been - I was in the wrong by not dealing with it more appropriately and in a less hurtful fashion.

[Mauxly]

I'm cutting you a break on being all over the map. I was pretty schizophrenic when I was going through my drama: I hate him! I love him! I hate him! I miss him! I never want to see him again! I miss him! It was all his fault! It was all my fault! I hate him!

 

It gets better. Time will help you settle into reality. A few months to a year from now you'll be able to see this situation without the fog of emotion/ego. Then, maybe then, you'll know what really happened. Until then just keep coming back to vent, keep contradicting yourself. You do sound kind of nutterbutters right now, but most of us are pretty insane when our hearts are nothing but bloody shriveled little things dangling out of our chest cavities.

 

Ah heartbreak.

[Poetry Guy]

P.S.

 

That's also why I posted this thread over here in the healing section. I need to be able to heal myself as well before I can get my head straight enough to really sort things out. Part of that, for me at any rate, is gaining as much perspective as possible.

 

The rest, obviously, I must do on my own.

[alli]

If you make decisions while drinking that you later regret, it's time to cut back big time. If you can't do it alone, maybe reach out to alcoholics anonymous or something. But if breaking up is what you truly wanted, maybe it's time to stop blaming the alcohol for doing what you really wanted to do. I've heard that people do things drunk that they WOULD otherwise do sober. Of course, that's within reason, taking into account that you're a bit more uninhibited.

 

If you're all over the place with how you feel about her, you really need to take a step back & think things through on your own. It's not fair to her to say you want to break up, then you don't, then you do, then you don't... all depending on your state of drunkenness or sobriety. Leave her alone for a while so you can figure things out. If you do decide to get back together, I REALLY think you need to cut back on the drinking (in fact, you really should either way). And you should also consider removing the texting function from your phone so you can't do that stuff again. It's pretty crappy to break up with someone over a text message anyway.

[Poetry Guy]

Thanks Alli.

 

On my end, I haven't even looked at alcohol since the breakup and am actually pretty stoked to see a therapist soon to resolve whatever the real underlying issue(s) are that drove me to drink like that in the first place. "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts" so the saying goes, and as DN (moderator) pointed out...yes, there were definitely things about the relationship that I was not happy with and a break or breakup was probably inevitable regardless of the unhealthy and irresponsible way I chose to "cope" with her own behavior.

 

It was definitely an addiction though, however short-lived and irregular. I still don't trust myself around the stuff though because even though it was 5 times - which is 5 times too many - it ended up turning into something where I couldn't limit myself even when the "better half" inside me was trying to tell me "this is enough", "time to stop now", "turn your damn cell phone off".

 

On that note, removing the texting function is a good suggestion but not the real problem. The problem was the alcohol.

 

That's also why, if nothing else, I eventually want to apologize to her - for the drunk text breakups and the emotional rollercoaster that must have put her through. I may never get an apology from her for the things that she did, but when I'm in my right frame of mind, I always at least like to apologize for my own mistakes.

[o_hopeless_o]

Well I commented your other post.. as I said I was pretty much dumped when my ex was drunk. That was once. You did it multiple times... I cant imagine how much anger she has for you right now. I'm sure shed love an apology but now isn't the time. If you did it now I'm sure shed unleash that on you. I know I would. When things cool down that could be a better time but when I think of my situation.. my ex and I got into a petty argument, then he threatened to break up with me, then did so. I'd honestly prefer him to leave me alone. Which I told him when I pretty much blew up on him. Or "livid" as you said before lol(my guess is he is following that request). But my relationship with him was all about him. I treated him wonderfully, he took me for granted and dumped me. Either way experiencing like that is the worst. Anyone would be. P.O.ed