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Why so negative all the time? My wife is wearing me down!


electric7

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Hi guys, here’s my situation, hopefully some of you will relate to this and could provide me with some words of wisdom or advice to deal with this.

 

I’m 28 years old, I’ve been living with my partner for 5 years and we have an 8 month old baby daughter.

 

My spouse is just oh so negative all the time. At first, I thought it was hormones due to having given birth and letting the body return to a “normal” state. I don’t think it’s the hormones anymore. Then, I thought it was the fact that I had went back to work after my parental leave and that she would be a stay-at-home mom for the next couple of monthts. No, not that either, because it’s all about the baby and she truly loves every second she spends with our child, in fact, she doesn’t want to go back to work. Then, more recently, I thought it was me, the problem. So I took a step back to objectively analyze the situation, and I came to the conclusion that .. I’m a pretty good guy, a good dad and a good partner. I don’t drink, I don’t go out very often because I want to spend time with my child AND with my partner once the baby has been put to bed, I have a flexible work schedule so I can accommodate family priorities, I do chores, I’m a positive person around the house because I want to have a positive, pleasant vibe in the home. Anyway, yes, I may biased, maybe I’m not seeing something, but I’m not so sure.

 

So, I’m at the point right now where I think that she is just a negative person because that’s her personnality. She never misses a chance to criticize me or anything that is related to me (i.e. a friend), she never admits her own faults and mistakes, she never sincerely apologizes for .. well anything .., she doesn’t seem to even realize that sometimes I’m hurt or that she has disrespected me .. It’s almost as if she doesn’t care .. She doesn’t make any effort whatsoever to change, to rectify a situation, to apologize, etc.

 

And the worst part of this .. is that she never talks about it. She’s always like “No, it’s fine” and “Uh huh, ok” .. She never wants to tackle a conflict straight up and talk about it, deal with it .. to me, this is not normal. She also doesn’t want to seek help .. so forget doctors and psychologists and therapists .. she doesn’t need help, she says. Again, this behaviour is not normal. It’s almost as if, she wants to be miserable, she wants to be unhappy, she wants to be a victim of life’s unfortunate events .. and she wants everyone around to know this. Basically, she doesn’t try to change things, make things better, find a way to get rid of this moodiness .. she suffers in silence .. and that’s where she and I are different.

 

But the baby is her pride and joy, you could never tell that she’s negative when she’s with the baby, and rightfully so. The baby doesn’t deserve to have her parents argue over crap. I also think that my spouse takes me for granted, that I will always be there .. but she treats me like s*** sometimes and doesn’t even realize it. And then she starts talking about OUR next child. Well, I’ll have to think about that. I mean, I do want a second child, but she better change or something’s gotta change.

 

Before you say it’s probably the baby that has changed the dynamic of our couple, I don’t think that this is what caused all of this. We’ve been having these fussy moments before birth and I managed to hang in there by ALWAYS making the first steps, apologizing for everything, taking the blame all the time .. Now, I don’t have the energy to do that, so I let it slide, it doesn’t affect me.

 

Anyone relate to this? Any advice? Is separation an option? I know this would be terrible for our child, especially when she gets older, but I have to think of myself in this .. my spouse is wearing me down and I’m becoming unhappy.

 

Thanks for reading through this.

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It sounds to me like your first step needs to be some heart to heart discussions with your wife before doing anything else. I don't get the sense that you've really directly addressed the problems in your marriage so I think separating is way too drastic right now.

 

You said you've been together 5 years but it sounds like these problems have really started in the past 8 months since your child was born. It could be a hormonal change. It could be post partum depression. It could be a lot of things.

 

If your wife won't go to counseling, then I think you should. I believe you should talk this through in detail with a counselor to see if they can help you with your feelings about all this.

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I don't necessarily have an advice, but I just want to tell you that I can understand. My mom is a very negative person. She complains, she compares all the time. I lived with her for 25 years. It drains you emotionally. I know what you are saying. She almost put a fear of failure in my heart. Its hard since you already have a baby with this woman. She needs to be a +ve person at least for the baby.

Can you identify small incidents from everyday life where she could have been positive and hopeful instead of being -ve and things may have turned around? Sit her down, may be bring home some books on +ve thinking. Also, a lot of -ve thinking comes from people that have lost hope. Let her express herself why she feels a certain way about something. If she doesn't want to go to a therapist, then you need to step up at least for the baby.

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Well, heart to heart discussions, I've tried in the past, but it turns into a one way conversation where I am the one opening the dialogue, asking questions, expecting constructive criticism .. but instead I get one word replies, some "uh huh's" and she will virtually agree with anything I say just so that we stop the conversation. In a "normal" relationship, yes, this would be the way to go and a 2 way conversation/exchange. I feel as if I'm not in a normal relationship.

 

Well, as I said, these fussy moments have occurred before the baby was born. But the difference was that I would do everything in my power to resolve the conflict by making the first steps, apologizing and repenting myself when it wasn't really necessary (looking back), basically taking the load. Now, I'm sick of it and I just don't have the energy to "fight" with her.

 

Yes, post partum depression, I seriously think this could be in the mix, but she won't consult, because she is stubborn and she doesn't "want" help. I feel that she secretly knows she could use some professional help, but she won't go just to prove a point that she is miserable and unhappy.

 

I am curious .. the women that reply to this post .. do you sincerely apologize when you did something wrong or when you know that you've hurt your man? that's what i'm talking about!

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But have you actually sat down with her and said "Look, our marriage is in serious trouble. I'm unhappy and we aren't resolving any of our issues. We really need to talk about x, y, z. It's so serious I'm considering leaving" Because she needs to hear that you aren't just nagging or complaining. She needs to understand that it's really serious.

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she never admits her own faults and mistakes, she never sincerely apologizes for .. well anything .., she doesn’t seem to even realize that sometimes I’m hurt or that she has disrespected me .. It’s almost as if she doesn’t care ..

 

She also doesn’t want to seek help .. so forget doctors and psychologists and therapists .. she doesn’t need help, she says

 

Yes, Electric, she DOES need to see a professional.

 

Just a question:

 

was she like this when you first met/starting your life together?

 

All in all your post about her started warning lights in MY mind.

 

You may have to deliver an ultimatum along the lines of: you ARE going to see a professional with me, or else I am afraid our partnership is going nowhere.

 

Best of luck

Hermes

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I understand that she loves you and your child, but I’m just wondering if it could possibly be postpartum depression-a mood disorder distinguished by negative thinking patters and feelings of hopelessness, sadness, etc, or even simply depression (since you say this is something you’ve dealt with even beforehand).

 

It isn’t your responsibility to put up with everything just because a child’s involved. –I honestly feel sorry for children whose parents aren’t compatible but they stick it through because they had a child (Although they went into it with good intentions perhaps, it causes a more negative environment and poor way to raise a child, a child deserves love and affection, a “warm” and happy environment to grow up in…)

 

In all honesty, you need to put your foot down. You’ve put up with this for far too long, and should have brought it up before it got this far along. It’s healthy that you two can realize your faults, but having them continue over and over again without trying to change/correct them is as if you don’t respect each others opinions on the matter. It’s not your job to put up with her negative attitude if she refuses to change and seek help in understanding what’s truly bothering her.

 

Firstly, because I’m assuming you two DO love each other, you need to discuss with her, even if she doesn’t want to listen. Tell her that you can’t keep living like this and need to know if she’s going to be willing to help resolve the conflict before your force (left with no choice) but to leave (separation).

 

It’s your life. Take charge of it and start being a man, not the doormat.

 

Good luck!

 

I am curious .. the women that reply to this post .. do you sincerely apologize when you did something wrong or when you know that you've hurt your man? that's what i'm talking about!

 

When and If my fiancé and I ever get into any kind of disagreement, or if I act out of my norm and start treating him poorly, I DO sincerely apologize immediately and explain to him what was going through my head and that it wasn’t him that set me off, just my own mind playing tricks on me. I’ve worked hard on not “blowing up” on him, because by no means dose he deserve it, but he lets me vent if needed and he tries really hard in understanding and tells me everything is alright. I never intend to treat my partner with any disrespect, I love him too much for that, and I’d rather to have a mature debate then a yell fest, if you know what I mean. We’re adults now, and I don’t see a point in raising our voices to get a point accross. It’s difficult, but with him, he never gets mad so it’s kind of funny that I’m the only one in this relationship with a real temper lol… But even if he feels he treated me "wrong" he apologizes right when he realizes it made me upset or anything... I believe we have a healthy realationship because we respect each others feelings, and try VERY hard in keeping each other happy.

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Yes, my longest relationship got like this. It wore me down to such a point where I no longer wished to have sex with her even though she was beautiful and I loved her. It's not secret to a lot of people here that I'm a big Osho fan, and he tells us that people are in love with their misery. Misery is constant, it won't ever disappear on you or let you down. 100% reliable.

 

As a child, we are trained to understand that if we are miserable we receive lots of attention, and if we are fine then we are ignored. She makes her misery and exhaustion a mode of expression, and that's her way to feed her ego. So, you trying to take that from her will be felt, subconsiouly, as a huge threat, and she's not likely to want to give it up without a fight.

 

Look on ENA for awhile, and you will find people in deep misery, some with profound problems, and some with rather simple ones. If you try to offer legitimate solutions to someone with rather simple problems, it's very rare that they will take you up on your advice. It's not so much that they want to solve their problems, or end their misery... they are married to their misery. Mostly, they just want to share with the world how completely miserable they are, get lots of responses, and therefore, attention.

 

We all demonstrate this to degrees, but most people are unaware of the dynamic. With your wife, I think a therapy session or two would help. She's not likely to be receptive to your suggestions otherwise, and lashing out at her or threatening to leave her won't make things any better.

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Hi, was your wife like this before the baby?

 

It's just that it sounds like classic Post Natal Depression - trying to prove she is supermum whilst feeling dead inside. She wont thank you for suggesting it though, that's the only problem, she will be almost overcompensating fussing over baby etc... Perhaps suggest a talk with health visitor.

 

In answer to your question, I am a woman and always apologize as I hate bad atmosphere even if not my fault - I always make first move as my OH is as stubborn as ox and if I didnt, we would get nowhere. You sound really lovely and caring, she is very lucky to have you. Good luck.

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First, thanks all for the replies, much appreciated. Because right now, I do feel somewhat alone and I don't really know what to do next in my relationship.

 

Avman - You are right, we should sit down and have a very honest and direct conversation about our relationship. But again, I'm afraid that this could be the FINAL conversation we have, because I know her. It will be a one way conversation and she will jump on the first opportunity to make me "the bad guy". But yes, she still deserves a chance, and hopefully this could turn into a constructive conversation.

 

When we first started together, I did not pick this up. I was very insecure at first, anything that would tick her off or when I would see her pout for no reason, I would keep asking "Did I do something wrong?" or "Are you sure you're Ok?", things like that. And then, I realized that she is easily disappointed and that she keeps alot to herself, on the inside. I was fine with it, I kept being "the rock", the one that's strong that will always make things allright. But today, I'm looking back at these days, and I realize that I wasn't always the problem. It was just plainly her. She's like that. She's got a negative attitude. And today, I just don't want to fight her, I don't want to be "a rock" anymore.

 

So, today, I'm at the point where I'm thinking of the future and I'm not sure that I can keep up with this for very long. Unless she truly decides to make efforts to change her attitude, to see the positive side of things, to learn to let some things just go (not worth pouting over or arguing) and to take initiative to make things better. What ticks me off the most, is that I am like that .. virtually everybody around me I know is like that .. proactive (that's exactly it!) .. proactive!

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Avman - You are right, we should sit down and have a very honest and direct conversation about our relationship. But again, I'm afraid that this could be the FINAL conversation we have, because I know her. It will be a one way conversation and she will jump on the first opportunity to make me "the bad guy". But yes, she still deserves a chance, and hopefully this could turn into a constructive conversation.

 

Well you don't know until you try. You're already talking about separation so this conversation could hardly make that worse. It will either confirm that the relationship cannot be saved or it may open some doors that up to now seem to be closed.

 

I would be careful to lay all the responsibility for fixing the relationship on her. That just invites a defensive response and then with both of you having your heels dug in there is little chance of resolving it.

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I just had an argument with my spouse over the phone that I want to share with you (because I need to vent really) that illustrates clearly the kind of negative nonsense I have to deal with.

 

I'm a musician, I play in a band, but it's all for fun. Yes, music is my biggest passion and playing music is my main social/personal activity outside of the home. I have a gig tomorrow night, out of town, it's my first gig in a year, so we ended up debating at what time I should leave for the gig. Basically, she wanted me to leave as late as possible and I argued that the drive, the setup, the soundcheck .. and the fact that I don't want to be rushed for crying out loud! So anyway, it ended up and she said something along the lines "I don't like that you play music" and that really offended me.

 

The problem here, is that she doesn't distinguish family priorities and leisure activities. She thinks that music comes first, even before my child and couple. This is clearly false because I have no leisure activities aside from my band (i.e. playing sports in a league - which is pretty common for men - , poker nights, going to the gym, etc. ). I put my family first, always, but I do happen, yes, to have OTHER life interests. Don't we all?

 

So going back to my previous post, she should be proactive in finding a social activity she likes, meeting new people, trying new things, clearing her head basically. But, as I said before, prefers to play the "victim" role .. that life treats her unfairly, that i'm such a bad person, that she is so miserable and it's my fault ..

 

She virtually never misses an opportunity to "fuel" her supposed unhappiness. Instead, she should be appreciative that I have a passion, that I keep it "dosed" so that it doesn't interfere with my family life, and most importantly, she should take my example and find herself something outside the home that she wants to do/try. She has a couple of friends, yes, but she's not the type to call them first to organize something, she'll wait for THEIR call instead .. and then complain that she doesn't see them often. I tell ya, to be proactive would solve so many of her issues.

 

I'm slowly losing it! ](*,)

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  • 2 years later...

Man i know exactly how you feel. Your not alone. Ive been dating my girl friend for going on 4 years im in college right now. But She is the most negative girl in the world she seems to alwasy find a reason to be mad and will take any shot to let it out on me if she can find them. I am at the point now where its questioning whether or not i wanna get married to her. She can be so great sometimes and happy but if something tiney happens it just goes down hill and i use to be able to handle it better in the beggining cause I thought that all guys were supposed to act this way. We even broke up for a month and i dated another girl and came right back to her. I was hoping things would change but that was almost two years ago. When she was negative like that i use to just agree and pretend that she had every reason for that but it started to affect me and make me mad about how she could be like that all the time and now when she says it before i can even think about what i should say i just blurt out something a smartass would say and not even realize it. Ive use to just appoligize and beg for forgiveness for things that i knew i didnt have to do. And when she does something wrong no matter what it is she will not appoligize. It makes me so upset sometimes that we can get in such fights and they have only gotten worse overtime. Sometimes we will do ok (because i have been around her enough to know what i can and cant do and what i can and cant say) I have lost close friendship with lot of my friends because she cant be away from me for even a night. It makes me so upset. Just like what your were saying about your band gig and her trying to get you to leave later "no telling how many fights i have gotten about stuff like that." But i have realized what the problem is and you may be in the same boat as me. After basically living with her family i have found out that her father is exactly the same way and maybe worse. Her mother is the same way as us but it seems like after 20 years of marrige she has learned to live with it but not in anyway you would want to base your life on. She hides things from him so he wont get mad (i find my self doing that with little things ALL THE TIME) He has a depression problem but im not sure what it is and I know my girl friend has the same thing as does almost all of her siblings to certain degrees some worse than others.) I know it partly can be from parenting but i do believe its a problem that needs diagnosed but she would never go through with it. I found it when i took a test to see if i had adhd and she took it so see if she had it but there were other personality problems and she answered them truthfully (she knows she's like this and gets it from her father) and she had a type of depression but she doesnt have medical insurance and will not be able to get prescribed so i know im going to be in this boat for a while. We get in such fights now and i get so mad now too because its like i cant handle it after so long of taking it we just yell back and forth . But sometimes its like i know shes the one but when we get mad we get really mad. and man i dont know what to do. if i say im going to break up who knows what would happen.

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This all sounds to me like she's always been this negative person. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, you chose to ignore this when it was presented to you but now your eyes are wide open. I don't see high hopes for this relationship unless you choose to actually do something about it.

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I just wanted to reply and also say I know how you both feel and you seem to have summed up a lot of my relationship. We seem to have a lot of ups and downs. My partner is very negative about a lot of things in life. She always seems to look for the bad in everything and is convinced she is unlucky all the time. At first I just agreed with her as I thought maybe she did get bad luck but then after a while I noticed a lot of this bad luck she just makes herself e.g never thinks things through and then when things don't go as planned she blames it on bad luck and never takes responsibilities for her own actions.

She sometimes seems to get enjoyment when hearing of bad things happening in other peoples lives. I used to put up with a lot of her crap that stems from some of this but try not to as much now. I used to always apologise for things that wasn't my fault just to keep the peace. I've never once had an apology from her no matter how in the wrong she is. I rarely go out since we had our daughter 2 years ago. I used to have a lot of friends and be quite social, but I now rarely see friends and am growing apart from a lot of close friends as she frowns upon me going out, even if it's just round a friends house a couple of times a month. Some of my friends are the nicest people you could meet but she still manages to find bad things to say about them and its as if she's trying to get me to hate them. She does the same with my family too.

I also do my fair share around the house. Put our daughter to bed reading her bedtime stories etc, get up with my daughter in the night if she has nightmares, help cleaning the house, help with dinner etc as long as working fairly long days. I pay for 90% of things as i'm the main earner.

As the original poster said though, my partner is a great mother though and a lot of this negativeness dissapears around my daughter which is a big bonus.

We do have times when we get on and things are good but this negativeness and bitterness is really wearing me down. Compared to a few years ago I feel really withdrawn, lonely and unsocial with people. Worst of all I start finding myself like her too and getting negative about things, mainly as I feel so down and miserable about things half the time now.

I just don't know how to get through to her. I've tried sitting down talking to her. She won't admit she has a problem and won't do therapy. She won't do counselling for us and said she'd rather split up than have anyone analysing her (I suspect partly as she knows she'll have to face up to some bad home truths).

Its not all bad and we do go through a month or two thats pretty good but then something happens that brings us back to square one.

I'm sorry I've not really posted any advice but just saw this and had to reply to say I know how you're feeling.

I guess to sum it up is how do you reason with someone who can't ever be reasoned??

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I feel we are all in the same boat. There are times that are great and i assume thats why we stay with each other. Ive tried to tell myself a hundred times that is just women in general but i know that isnt true ive met some great women who are in the position we are with * * * * ty boys i guess we are the problem. In my case I just never dated to much and when i met her i really liked her and she slowley let it out on me in the first year then blam it just wouldnt stop. Now things work a little better if when were in arguements that i reason with her and tell her she shouldnt be that way. (this only works like 10 percent of the time) because either im so sick of it after so long i cant be the understanding boyfriend ALL the time (even though i do my best)and when we fight i just breath and take a step back. But after so long of it and trying so hard to make it work i start saying she is just like her father (I do not advise that). And when i know im right and she knows shes wrong she wont appolgise. i use to just get past it but if she keeps going i beging outing her on it. (If i ever feel like i have the upper hand i do all i can to let her know how shes hurting me by being the way she is) but if she can find a reason to turn it around she will. I know it sounds like im being mean but i have to vent to somebody since i dont see my friends ever. I know people will say that i should look to see if any of this is my fault and i have and i know i probably have caused some (a very very small) of the reason for her being this way. But all in all It ALL roots back to her attitude on life. She doesnt like me hanging out with friends and going out (even if its just guys) for a day or night (if she doesnt have anything to do)

 

heres a couple things about her personality and our relationship and i wanna know if im the only one

-She doesnt like to be alone without me

-she gets upset over things way to easily.

-Allways looking at the worse side of things.(always complaining about something.)

-Talks about why she doesnt like alot of people with little to no reason (like my family and friends)

-If someone does something she doesnt like she gets upset and expects me to and if i dont she gets upset.

-To prideful to apoligize.

-Thinks people are agianst her

(I have found numerouse amount of times that when she is being negative about people and things she will OVER EXAGGERATE almost every aspect that happened when i know what happened or i was there) If i out her on it. she says im always against her. I know when not to out her like when she does need to vent and i use to never do that but after is constantly happening i cant take it to the point when i here her talking to some one and only saying negative things about stuff i just cringe in anger and have to pretend to just not pay attention and walk away.

 

Now i know i said alot of bad things but its not always so terrible. She can be really sweet and loving and be amazing and thats why i stay with her. and i have found a few things that helped my relationship like (pushing her to hang out with her friends) thats if she doesnt have a new reason to hate them or think their against her. If i ever know without a doubt that i can have the upper hand and she will have to agree i talk to her about things i think she should fix. I have also found that since we became closer to god and started reading the bible and doing bible studys together it helped her force her self to realize.

 

Though these things help a little they are very temporary. I know that she does have to suffer from some sort of depression or behavior related issue like ring of fire adhd and another one like it that i cant remember. and since i know her dad and siblings have the same tendencies (only from living with them for a period/ so you may not know if their family is the same or not unless you get close enough) i do believe that we either have to stand up completely to a point of giving a ultimatum which i dont see myself doing because i dont think she would take it seriously or without it backfiring on me or i think they need medicine or therapy. which i also dont see happening.

-

No body is this negative

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Steven, I do feel your pain with this. Sounds like our partners are fairly similar in a lot of things. I know my posts probably seem quite hypocritical and negative too but this is mainly just being able to vent, and it's nice to find people who might understand what we go through. I'm the same and sometimes try and make excuses for her, that it could be hormones, women in general but I know this isn't the case as I've met many other truly genuinely loving and nice women.

My partner often compares us to other peoples relationships. She'll take one amazing thing that one of her friends partners did for them, another great thing another guy did for her another friend and then when I have done ALL of these things for her I get told I'm a rubbish boyfriend. The foundations of our relationship were awful. In 4 months of being together I took her on an all expenses paid trip to Japan. Three days after getting back she told me she wanted to go back to live there but just not with me. I managed to persuade her to stay and put all my money into an investment (and got into a lot of debt) property half way accross the world to renovate just to keep us together. We had an amazing daughter together but thats another story in itself that truly shows a horrible side to her.

I think things have gotten slightly better and we probably don't argue quite as much now but even though we argue less, she'll do something that reminds me that really she's still the same person and that she'll never really change. I stick with it because she does have some great qualities too but also because my daughter is my life and I fear of splitting up and not being able to see her every day. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. When I look back and think about it I've done SO SO much for this woman but whatever I do it's not good enough. Whatever my family do it's not good enough either and the same with my friends.

One big cause of arguments now is a similar thing to you in that I try not to just sit back and take her cr*p anymore and I confront her with the stuff she has a go at me about. This just gets us nowhere.

I think she has issues so started googling her traits. One of the closest things I came up with was narcistic personality syndrome. This is mainly that she has no empathy, not caring, double standards etc which is exactly how she is to me but not to everyone else which half rules that out. I just wish I could find answers to why she's like she is. I want to understand what makes someone like this and how sometimes she can genuinely be so blatantly nasty to me without seemingly feeling bad about it in the slightest way. Maybe if I could understand then I could start working out a better way of how to deal with it.

Anyway, I'm really just rambling now but it is just nice to vent somewhat.

 

I hope you find some answers Steven, feel free to PM me if you want to vent some more or chat to another understanding person who pretty much knows what you're going through

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do you think she is really more negative since the baby was born or you just didn't really notice it before?

 

is there a reason for deciding to have a baby now?

 

i would talk to her and encourage you both to get some counseling.

 

the counseling could help her get to the root of her misery. it maybe be a bad habit at this point and some cbt skills could help break that habit.

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I used to be VERY negative all the time. I was married to a wonderful man but after a few years, he became depressed, started drinking, and later it became chronic. I was always stressed, always resentful, and I know it sounds terrible, but I made him and everyone around me PAY for what they put me through.

 

Turns out he had Borderline Personality Disorder, became an alcoholic and died in 2002.

 

It took me YEARS to overcome most of the negative personality traits and I still work on them almost every day. I'm remarried and have a 15 year old step-daughter and she is really sensitive to my negativity! I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

 

Does your wife have any history of abuse from her parents, or was she bullied a lot in school?

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She's always been very negative and bitter, before the baby was born. I've spoken to her, pretty much pleaded with her for us to get some counselling, almost made the ultimatum that we either do that or I'll leave. She said she'd rather split up with me than do that. In her negative mind she's already made her mind up saying it won't work and she doesn't want anyone judging her or interrogating her. It affects her a lot in life. For example, we may try and go on a sking trip and she'll try it for about 5 minutes, obviously she's not an expert straight away, so she'll just get bitter and stressy, says she can't do it and never will be able to and get all "poor me" attitude about it and that "everyone else is already much better than her" when in fact, I can see she's picking it up very quickly. She then won't ever try it again. She won't be able to be convinced otherwise. They'll be other things like going for interviews. She'll convince herself beforehand she won't get the job, and as a result then might not get the job. But then her answer is I always have such bad luck compared to everyone else, why am i the unlucky one all the time?! She just doesn't accept it's anything to do with her and her actions. Everything in her mind is simply very bad luck! which of of course then makes her more negative and bitter!

She always whinges if she doesn't get her own way about anything too. Although her family didn't have much money growing up, so her parents didn't buy her lots of things, I believe they totally spoilt her in every other way possible. Her and her sister always get there way with their parents and I've seen sometimes how they speak to their parents and am sometimes shocked at the lack of respect, but her parents never say anything and always bend over backwards for them. I've also noticed that her sister talks to her boyfriend with total direspect too and is a massive bully to him so they're very similar in that respect. The ironic thing is my girlfriend picks up on this too and comments how bad it is but is obviusly totally oblivious she is exactly the same to me! It drives me crazy! So her sister and her have this in common which I believe is partly down to her parents. The main difference between them though is her sister is the total opposite in being negative. She's full of life, positive about loads of things, a lot more affectionate to her boyfriend and really seems to make the most of life.

The one other thing that could possibly be a reason for this is when my girlfriend was about 14/15 she was sexually assualted by one of her friends older brother and this did get out at school and she got bullied for it and had to change schools. This must have been a truly awful thing to go for that I can't even imagine. She's never spoken to me much about this and, to be honest, I can't imagine ever will either.

I just don't know what to do though. If she's done something bad to me and is blatantly in the wrong we'll have an argument and then I can't bare talking to her so we end up not talking for a few days. She'll never come and apologise and then even though it's her who's been the one in the wrong, its always me who then has to make the peace and start making the effort to patch things up. I'm totally and utterly sick of it. We're in fact going through this right now. I'm waiting for her to approach me but of course she won't but if I don't make peace with her who knows how long we'll go on not talking for.

If she won't go to counselling what other options do I have?? Can this ever be sorted or even made slightly more bearable than it is now??

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If your wife wasn't like that before the baby, then it's probably post-partum depression. Caring for a small baby is very stressful, and believe me, this is usually the toughest time in a marriage. Sit down with her and talk about it, ask her if you can help in other ways, etc.

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Maritza, he's said that this has gone on for longer than just the pregnancy/post-pregnancy. I'd say this is a personality issue that should have been dealt with a LONG time ago. Honestly, I'd definitely say that you should start out by seeing a counselor by yourself... have you started there? I think it would be helpful to receive guidance and some relief from the constant negativity with a therapist.

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