Should I try and build a relationship with my father?

[MrsGriffin]

He hasn't been in my life for 26 out of 27 years. I have really only heard the bad things he did to my mom and how he never paid child support, etc. I sent him an email and explained that I wanted to try and have some contact before it is too late. He replied back that he has thought of me through the years and that he loves me. My husband and mom are very negative about this and they are putting doubts in my head. I don't expect a miracle or some perfect father/daughter relationship. I just want to know him and for him to know me. Am I being foolish for thinking he might have changed and maybe deserves a chance? Should I listen to my mom and husband and leave it alone?? I am so confused!

[misssmithviii]

I think if you're going to have a relationship with him, go into it not expecting much.

 

I have my own takes on it from my own personal experience with the mother who left me months after giving birth, and it's simply that I just don't care - but that's me personally and I never saw a need to gain a relationship with someone who had no initiative to be involved throughout my years growing up. Food for thought

 

But either which way, I think if you try and start a relationship with him - make sure you've got no false images or fantasies that he's changed or that he'll even care to know you as deeply as you want. So many people try this and end up with an even greater pain for not having the relationship sooner and feel like they shouldn't have to be the ones reaching out to their own parents.

 

Just keep your guard up IMO and good luck ^_^

[DN]

I think it might be worthwhile listening to him at least and see what he has to say. After all, you only have your mother's side of the story.

[sidehop]

I agree, he is your father after all, and not to doubt your mother as to what she has told you all these years but it's probably best to hear his side of the story. I can see why her and your husband would be upset but you do have the right to talk to him.

[turnera]

I had to give my dad up when I was 35 due to things his wife did. Then he died 5 years later. I will never forgive myself for not being adult enough to deal with the Evil Witch and seeing beyond that one issue.

 

You're an adult now. Go to him as an adult.

[Sanesoul]

I hate to post on this thread simply because my father was an evil man. I used to want him in my life. I used to long for a relationship with him. He beat me and abandoned me when I was very young.

 

I only just recently lost all feeling for him. I no longer care that he is not in my life. I don't need him anymore.

 

If you do decide to do this, do it with care. Your loved ones have a right to be concerned. It could very well backfire on you.

[ClementineK]

I'm in a similar situation. Only in my case I haven't spoken to my dad in 10 years. My only concern is you and your family's safety. I wouldn't let him know where you live until you feel as though you can trust him. I don't know the story about your father so I don't know if he's a dangerous man but in my case my dad has been known to be. Perhaps exchange a few more emails maybe a phone call. If you feel good about it plan to meet him in a public place. I don't think you're being foolish. It's natural to want to know where you came from and know your parents. It could turn out to be a positive experience and chances are he has changed somewhat. It's been 26 years. I'm not the same person I was a year ago today. I agree with misssmithviii, just don't expect too much. At the very least, you can say you tried, right?

[abitbroken]

I think its admirable of you to get to know him. Especially if he was very young he could have changed a lot since then.

 

I know a woman who thought her dad didn't care, but come to find out her mom received letters and cards for her sent by her dad over a 20 year period and her mom never gave them to her. The dad was very thrilled to hear from her. It turns out that it took two to tango as far as the parents relationship. it wasn't so cut and dry where mom was the saint and dad was evil and abandoned her. Anyway, the relationship is coming along very very slowly. There is a lot that the woman needs to reconcile with herself because she had a picture of a father her mother created for her. Now she has three half sisters and grandparents that she is getting to know and a huge family full of lots of cousins.

 

I say go for it - but go slow. it might be worth it even if the relationship is at a distance. Don't make any promises but also don't miss the chance. Even if your dad isn't on the up and up - there might be cool grandparents or siblings you never knew. Or at least you'll know your medical history.