Atticus90 Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 When a person has cheated on you in the past; when can you move on from that and start trusting again? I understand that if someone really wants to cheat, then they will no matter how much you try to "spy" on them, but still.. What are some ways that people got over it and started trusting again? Link to comment
JusticeLaw9 Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 When a person has cheated on you in the past; when can you move on from that and start trusting again? I understand that if someone really wants to cheat, then they will no matter how much you try to "spy" on them, but still.. What are some ways that people got over it and started trusting again? Time. Learning how not to make the same mistakes again. Paying attention to things that stood out early on. What really gets people sometime is that they ignore all the early warning signs. We want everything to go so smoothly; we're afraid of confrontations. Link to comment
jengh Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 If you're having these trust issues why on earth did you decide to have another kid with her? Are you doubting it's yours? I thought things were going well. You shouldn't have to spy on her. Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Share Posted April 29, 2010 I'd like to have another child, but things from the past just keep haunting me. I'm trying the forgive and forget thing, and now I just have my good days and having my bad days. I just want a complete family, and life. Link to comment
faithful14 Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 so what are some of the warning signs? Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Share Posted April 29, 2010 Nothing really. Just my paranoia. I could probably think of some, but it'd only be me over analysing everything. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 I'd like to have another child, but things from the past just keep haunting me. I'm trying the forgive and forget thing, and now I just have my good days and having my bad days. I just want a complete family, and life. Could you tell us what exactly happened? Or give some additional details? Did she have an "affair"? A one night stand? Emotional cheating? About three weeks ago you posted that you two had broken up? I got the impression then that you were merely suspicious of her cheating, and that she was sick of you accusing her of cheating - did she actually cheat? When did you decide to work things out? Generally speaking though, it seems that you two have had a rocky relationship. What are the issues, do you think? I know she has had some problems with mental health. Link to comment
jengh Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 Could you tell us what exactly happened? Or give some additional details? Did she have an "affair"? A one night stand? Emotional cheating? About three weeks ago you posted that you two had broken up? I got the impression then that you were merely suspicious of her cheating, and that she was sick of you accusing her of cheating - did she actually cheat? When did you decide to work things out? That's what I'm really confused about! Some clarification would be really helpful! Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 I think some people can cope and learn to trust again but some just aren't cut out for it. I would have to end the relationship because thinking about it and worrying about it happening again would pickle my brain. Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Share Posted April 29, 2010 Could you tell us what exactly happened? Or give some additional details? Did she have an "affair"? A one night stand? Emotional cheating? About three weeks ago you posted that you two had broken up? I got the impression then that you were merely suspicious of her cheating, and that she was sick of you accusing her of cheating - did she actually cheat? When did you decide to work things out? Generally speaking though, it seems that you two have had a rocky relationship. What are the issues, do you think? I know she has had some problems with mental health. One night stand. After all these years, I still don't know why she did it. She wont give me an answer. We break up, then make up alot. not healthy, but it happens. no, last time she didnt actually cheat. just my suspicions Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 It seems like this is something that will haunt you for the rest of your life if you continue a relationship with her. I know there are people that can forgive and forget - but I can't see that... and obviously you cannot forget either. I think her not being able to give you an answer and getting angry when you're suspicious (when she should be understandable since she has violated your trust) is putting salt on the wound. IMO, I cannot be with someone if they have the ability to cheat, disrespect, lie and/or abuse me at all. The ability says enough for me. People don't just cheat at random, they don't just land on top of someone else - there's an entire thought process that goes with it before the act, and during that entire thought process the one they're in a relationship with isn't taken into account. I think you want a family more than you trust her and that's won't give way to a healthy relationship. I know many people (myself included) who have stayed in a relationship they weren't truly happy in simply because they couldn't handle the thought of breaking their own home up. I was actually able to do it, it's more refreshing than you'd think. I hope you do what's best for you and remember that staying with someone for the purposes of staying with them (or even because you love them) but are dealing with the pain of mistrust and infidelity that you cannot let go of (or would have to revert to denial to let go) isn't healthy... and there are such things as healthy relationships my friend... Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 One night stand. After all these years, I still don't know why she did it. She wont give me an answer. We break up, then make up alot. not healthy, but it happens. no, last time she didnt actually cheat. just my suspicions When did the one night stand happen? Where you two really "together" at the time or were you on a break? Sorry, just trying to understand the situation. Link to comment
arcadefire Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 When a person has cheated on you in the past; when can you move on from that and start trusting again? I understand that if someone really wants to cheat, then they will no matter how much you try to "spy" on them, but still.. What are some ways that people got over it and started trusting again? It will take a lot of forgiveness and pushing things out of your mind to trust them again. I personally have never been successful in doing so with a cheating partner. Spying and knowing passwords and such is not a way to live a healthy relationship. Link to comment
Baily Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 When my wife did it 2 years ago.... I tried (for almost 2 years) and I tried to forget it.....but never could...even though she wasn't cheating.....the thoughts that maybe she would still remained. the other thing you need to think about it...the person cheated because you weren't doing something that the other person was....you need to figure that out so you don't repeat that behavior. THERE IS NO SHORT TERM ANSWER!!! KNOW THAT!!! those thoughts will haunt you so long as you are with her.... I found those thoughts went away 2 days after I separated from her. I'm glad I left...I'm living in a small place, but my thoughts are CLEAN. I don't have the anxiety and constant thoughts. Sorry, you will never forget nor forgive...no matter what is said here. You may think you can forgive ...and you want to thinking 'that's what good people do' reality is....it'll never stop till you leave (at least that was the way for me) Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 the other thing you need to think about it...the person cheated because you weren't doing something that the other person was. I disagree with this. I think the person cheated because she was a horny and deceitful woman. She probably convinced you it was your fault. I agree 100% with everything else you told the OP, that he will NEVER really get over this. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted April 29, 2010 Share Posted April 29, 2010 When a person has cheated on you in the past; when can you move on from that and start trusting again? I understand that if someone really wants to cheat, then they will no matter how much you try to "spy" on them, but still.. What are some ways that people got over it and started trusting again? When you trust in yourself, that even if they DO cheat again, that YOU will be ok. That you CAN walk away if you choose, and that, if they prove unworthy of your trust, that you can find happiness on your own and/or with someone else who will value you enough to be trustworthy. The when you lose the fear of losing the relationship, you are free to trust within it. Because even if some day, you are proven wrong, that you shouldn't have trusted, in the end it will still be ok. Trusting is a choice we make. We choose to trust our partners, our own judgement, and our ability to recover from finding out that we chose poorly... Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Share Posted April 29, 2010 Right now, I'm putting back money so I can prepare for the worst. We almost "seperated" a few weeks ago, but things got "better" and now things are bad again. I think I'm just not gonna focus on the relationship at all. I'm gonna wake up, eat, work, come home, sleep and just wait til it happens again. THEN i'll be ready. In my mind, I wana escape this, but its hard when you have a child to care for and support, so I'll see what happens. Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted April 29, 2010 Author Share Posted April 29, 2010 When did the one night stand happen? Where you two really "together" at the time or were you on a break? Sorry, just trying to understand the situation. this one night stand happened a few years ago. and we were together at the time. if you go way back in my post to when i first joined, then you'll understand. Link to comment
misssmithviii Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 Right now, I'm putting back money so I can prepare for the worst. We almost "seperated" a few weeks ago, but things got "better" and now things are bad again. I think I'm just not gonna focus on the relationship at all. I'm gonna wake up, eat, work, come home, sleep and just wait til it happens again. THEN i'll be ready. In my mind, I wana escape this, but its hard when you have a child to care for and support, so I'll see what happens. Not thinking about the relationship is probably the worst thing you can do IMO. You need to face this head on, and weigh out your options, take into account your feelings and how things have been going. You cannot escape this, especially when you have a child to care for and support. Link to comment
Atticus90 Posted April 30, 2010 Author Share Posted April 30, 2010 Well, I don't mind paying money for my son. That's not an issue. I'm talking about escaping from having to be with her. The house I have requires both our incomes and i need to save up and let her save up so we can live on our own. Link to comment
mikem Posted April 30, 2010 Share Posted April 30, 2010 "I think her not being able to give you an answer and getting angry when you're suspicious (when she should be understandable since she has violated your trust) is putting salt on the wound. " I agree with this. She has to be willing to work through this with you and be transparent and honest. She also has to commit to never cheating again, both in word and deed. She doesn't seem willinging to work with you on this issue. I don't think there is much grounds to trust her until she meets you half way. Link to comment
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