what started it for you?

[flyonthewall51]

I can't express how much I appreciate this site.

I have noticed, however, that, while so many posters have been brave enough to introduce themselves, not many introduction posts include an explanation of what may have been the experience or circumstances that led to the posters' engaging in SI.

I wonder if anyone would be willing to post some of those experiences or circumstances in this thread?

 

~f

[Kimmeh52115]

bullying.

[No One]

An excellent question!!

[inthearmy]

My regular coping mechanism for stress and loneliness, pretty much anything, was alcohol. Eventually it just wasn't enough, so I cut my shoulder's, a lot. In one session I made about 25 cuts on each shoulder, small and short with a knife. It scarred a lot I hate trying to explain it to someone who has no idea what it feels like or why I would do it.

[mark_e]

Without going into a big long story, basically I was depressed and had a series of failures in my life. My upbrining is a major part of why I SI, and it is when I moved back home at one point where I first did it. I had the feeling like I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't know why I did it. I had never really heard of SI before. It just seemed natural. I was surprised that it calmed me down so much.

[RelaxByWater84]

For me it was the stress of being a pastor's kid and feeling like I had to measure up to the standards that were only in my mind. I also struggled/struggle through every area of life. I started pulling my hair out and cannot stop, I thankfully haven't gotten bald spots. I was more of an emotional self-abuser. And I can't seem to stop.

[Cal Lily]

I haven't hurt myself like this since i lived at home as a teenager. It now haunts me 30 years later during my last 2 relationships. My therapist thinks my prosecuter within me is punishing me for letting others control me; punishing me the way my family taught me to punish me. My friends and neighborhood think its funny. They sit around, drink with my X-boyfriends, and laugh at me for once loving and trusting them.

[No One]

There is never anything stupid about someone taking a chance by trusting another person in love.

[lostinthehaze]

Abusive relationship.

[x_LilMess]

I'm Melissa and Really my cutting problem didnt start until I was maybe 10 but it never was as bad as it is now. I lost my first boyfriend who I let do things too me I really shouldn't have and I think sometimes I feel too much or I feel nothing at all.

[krock]

I know it sounds clique but I grew up in an extremely abusive household. My dad was extremely physically and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood - I literally watched while he beat my mom so bad he broke her jaw. SI became a means to express the hurt and lack of personal control I was experiencing. I was diagnosed with ocd when I was 9 and have been struggling to feel safe and secure my whole life.

 

Now, at 23, I can go years without physically cutting but I still crave the gratification it gives. The entire routine was extremely calming for me (prying the razor blade from the disposable razor, sterilizing the blade, cleaning the area, cutting, and then cleaning and caring for the wound).

 

It's been two years now but the itch to cut is still present almost every day.

[cutedisaster-x]

I was depressed with my life. My boyfriend who I loved more than anyone broke up with me, my mother took a bad asthma attack and ended up in hospital for a month, she almost died. I felt worthless, I felt not good enough, I felt like none of my friends even liked me. I was bullied in school, made fun of and picked on for anything I did, or wore, or even what I didn't do. It all got too much for me.

[imtryinghere]

For me it simply converts emotion pain into physical pain which is so much easier to deal with

[Jeen]

Losing my mom when I was nine years old, wanting to die to be with her. "Seeing the blood made me feel closer to her"

[Jeen]

Losing my mom when I was nine years old, wanting to die to be with her. "Seeing the blood made me feel closer to her"

 

Feeling lost, not loved, alone, no one understanding the one person I wanted back, left me and there was no one to take her place or who I could call my mom. Leaving everything behind when I had to go with my adoption parents, them never understanding how I felt, a hole where my mom had to be, nothing ever taking the pain away from losing her.

 

How do you express your feelings and emotions if you know what you want could never be. "She can't come back from the dead to fill the void it left in me"

 

Cutting became the middle ground to express myself, a way to take the pain away for answers that can't be solved.

[nannerpus]

i started because no matter what, i never did anything right in my dad's eyes. essentially, that's the message he sent to me from birth. i internalized that, and therefore had extremely low self-esteem, often fought with my family, and always felt worthless and empty. eventually this all accumulated in a breakdown, which led me to cut for the first time. =/

[nutjob]

Total isolation as a teen

[fragaria]

My mother wrote me a suicide note and convinced me to cut myself, kinda went down hill from there...

Buuuut~ I'm doing well now, not self harming and such, and most importantly, happy

[scared and alone]

I really think it was a build up of depression and underlying depression through my years of growing up. I always restrained it and acted like I was fine and everything was no big deal. My SI was cutting. I had heard about it previously before i started (when i was 19, im 27 now) but I never did anything. I didn't understand it, never got it and frankly was too much of a wuss to do it. But one day I guess I was feeling SO low that I just, tried it. And right then, I got why people did it. which again, I am SUCH a baby, ZERO pain tolerance, that i don't know how I could stand THAT? I guess maybe the endorphins did something to me and I could't stop and I was in control? I haven't done it in YEARS (thank god) but I do think about it ALL THE TIME. It is a sick addiction and coping mechanism that i sadly don't think will EVER go away (which, I HOPE it does) but, at least I DON'T give in. Even when it's ALL I think about.

[smelleybelley]

I started self harming when i was 3 or four. my mum would be angry at me, and dad would be yelling, but i could completely lose myself in picking at scabs on my elbows or knees. My method's changed a bit since then, gotten more serious - sophisticated? but the most important part of the routine has always been not letting injuries heal.

[boohoou1994]

Anxiety, an alternative to suicide.