Do i cut this guy off for good? I am so confused

[justagirl09]

I think I am doing the right thing, but i am just not sure because i am so confused I was seeing this guy like a year ago. He didnt want a commitment, I did. So, I broke up with him. He kept in contact with me, and I guess 3-months pass and we got together again. We have been seeing each other every so often (2-4 weeks). I feel drawn to him, and I feel we have been developing more of a bond. I could just be naive, but a year ago things were very tense, because I was pressuring him for a commitment, but this time around I havent and I didnt pressure him to see me on the weekends either. I brought up us getting together on some weekends ( we usually get together during the week) and he said in a few weekends we would. ?? does that seem right? Last time I brought up us getting together, but now I am just irritated. I dont think I should bring it up at all now, and just let him initiate.

 

I love being with him, and we get along so good, and have a great time, but it just seems like if he liked me so much, that he would make time for me on the weekends. He seems so into his friends, and I am at the bottom of the todem pole. Dont get me wrong, he contacts me every day, but that is no replacement for spending time with someone!

 

I just like him so much, but why should he give me more if I just let him give me less? its the ideal situation for him. He has all the benefits of a gf with no committment. ugggg again I get hurt.

[TakingtheBlame]

Yeah one thing I've learned is that if it feels wrong, it usually is. If you tell a guy how you would prefer the relationship go, and he basically brushes it aside without any decent explanation, he's either not that into you or he's got serious commitment issues. Leave this one behind before you waste any more time or emotion, and if he really cares he'll come find you when he's ready.

[justagirl09]

Yeah one thing I've learned is that if it feels wrong, it usually is. If you tell a guy how you would prefer the relationship go, and he basically brushes it aside without any decent explanation, he's either not that into you or he's got serious commitment issues. Leave this one behind before you waste any more time or emotion, and if he really cares he'll come find you when he's ready.

Well, it was never that he wasnt into me, but he had a very controlling and possesive gf so now I cant get him to see past that. I told him that he cant live in the past, and that he has to look to the future and he agreed but it didnt change anything. I tried to cut him off before, but he always panics and worries I wont want to talk to him anymore. But maybe things would change for the better if i just completely stopped seeing him. I just cant see him as just a friend. I have tried brushing my feelings aside, but it just wont work.

[TakingtheBlame]

One thing that I've learned in the past few years, having fallen hard for several guys who obviously cared about me as a friend but couldn't give me the commitment I wanted, is that waiting around hoping something changes NEVER works. Even when I've heard of it "working" with other couples, it rarely sounds like the type of relationship I'd be happy with (i.e. the smitten one ends up in a purported "serious relationship" but often still feels ignored and anxious.) It's best to get up and cut this person off so you can heal (and you WILL heal, so much faster when he's out of sight) and keep your eyes open for someone who makes you happy...because this guy obviously doesn't make you truly happy if you feel the need to post on a forum asking whether you should stay.

 

And hey, you can always tell this guy you are not cutting him off permanently, if you are so afraid you will lose him as a friend...just make it clear to him that you need time to yourself and when you are ready to contact him again, you will. If he is truly your friend, he will understand...and who knows, he may be tempted to give you that commitment, now or somewhere down the road, rather than lose you. Stranger things have happened! Good luck.

[justagirl09]

What exactly do i tell him? that its not working out or what?

[Lady Rashomon]

I had a similar situation with my husband when we met over eight years ago. I was the one gunning for the commitment but he wanted to keep things casual. I was actually surprised, perhaps more than anyone else, when his feelings began to change and he was the person who came around and fell in love with me. I'm not saying this is customary, but sometimes, things can take shape and change when you learn to relax a bit.

[justagirl09]

I had a similar situation with my husband when we met over eight years ago. I was the one gunning for the commitment but he wanted to keep things casual. I was actually surprised, perhaps more than anyone else, when his feelings began to change and he was the person who came around and fell in love with me. I'm not saying this is customary, but sometimes, things can take shape and change when you learn to relax a bit.

 

Well, i am relaxed for the past month. But he has only been seeing me during the week. When i mentioned the weekend he was like in a few weeks. Dont you think that is unfair?

[TakingtheBlame]

There are so many factors involved in a relationship working out that it's just not wise to stay in something that is hurting you for the time being for the minimal possibility that some day he might change his mind. Sometimes a guy doesn't actually love a girl he is leading on but will end up marrying her because he gets older and realizes she is the only one who will put up with his crap, or that he is getting older in some small town where everyone his age is married for years by then; sometimes he will keep looking and find someone he likes better and then after all this time you are left out in the cold. You just don't know what is in his head and odds are he doesn't even know either, so why waste your time? I don't think he is being fair AT ALL putting off seeing you on the weekend, and even if he was, how does that help you? You have to worry about being unhappy and doubting yourself while he's off doing God knows what and blowing you off when you have made it clear that you want to see him...personally, I say just be honest with him...tell him you care about him deeply and you are willing to commit to him but the way things are going, you aren't getting what you want out of a relationship and unless something changes, you are going to need some space until you are ready to contact him again down the road.

[justagirl09]

You are so right. Its just so hard for me to imagine not seeing him ever again, but I cant keep going on like this. He has made it pretty clear with even few words, that he doesnt want a commitment. And I kept lying to myself thinking I was ok with that. I have never been like that EVER. I always had a boyfriend, casual dating just isnt me.

[TakingtheBlame]

Personally, I think at the very least you will see him again. Your thread is of particular interest to me because about three years ago I went through something almost identical: I met a guy who I thought was my soulmate, and I'm not a religious or spiritual type of gal. It was like we could read eachother's minds, but I only saw him maybe once a week or once every other week...every time I was with him I was happier than I had ever been before, but every time I wasn't, I would be miserable and I was basically existing just to see him. I wanted things to get serious and I was terrified of losing him. Long story short, I stuck around for two years (!) hoping he'd change, dating other guys but not really opening myself up to anyone, thinking surely he'd realize I was the right girl for him. Ended up finding out he was casually seeing other girls the whole time and eventually found one he REALLY liked (she dumped him pretty quickly, but the point is I wasted two years fooling myself over how he felt about me and where things could go.) Luckily, though I didn't have the heart to get him out of my life, he moved back to his home state for awhile for various reasons so we were forced to put some space between us.

 

Anyway, it's been a year since all of this and he's moved back to my state again, and now we are close friends. I also never thought we'd speak again (some might say he doesn't deserve my friendship, but I still think we vibe too well as people to throw away the friendship, which is great by the way.) But we do, and it's wonderful, and I don't think it would've happened if we had tried to stay friends while my feelings were still hot and heavy for him.

 

So yeah, space doesn't always have to kill a truly special friendship. It may actually save it. That's just my honest (and unfortunately long-winded) opinion.

[justagirl09]

Thank you for posting this. My heart sank when I read this, but maybe it is the sign I am looking for i dont know. Its my situation to the T almost. But you are right, and I am pretty sure he will be understanding as I have tried the friend route before with him. But I think if i keep heading in this direction, that I am going to fall deeper and deeper for him, and its going to ruin a potential friendship.