Some good memories about my Dad

[Seraphim]

Yesterday I was going through some things in advance of moving. There was a picture of me and my dad and my brother. It appears he was cuddling us before bed time. We were very young. My brother was about 8 months, so I must have been close to 4. We all looked pretty happy at that moment in time. It was my mother's picture so I gave it back to her and asked her about it. She said " oh he cuddled you guys a lot before bed when you were really little" That set off a spark of happiness that he really does care about me.Going home a song on the radio came on and I remember him singing it with me when I was about 4 years old. I don't know, yesterday seems to have sparked in me an idea to make a bigger reconciliation with my dad. The trouble is I am moving away. I think I want to bring him to visit to my new home but my husband despises him and barely talks to him at best. I feel though this is my last chance to get close to my father. I just do not know how to go about that since we have not be in each other's life in almost any capacity in 18 years and before that our relationship was full of conflict at best.

[FarthestEdge]

Victoria,

 

How you remember your father is, to some degree, a decision you make. I mean we all have had, and at some point or other many of us will BE parents who make mistakes. Granted, some are much, much bigger mistakes than others, and I don't mean to suggest that no matter what, the slate be wiped clean...

 

BUT- If you are carrying around resentment and anger towards your father, who is that helping? Who is learning anything from it? Who is suffering because of it?

 

No one. No one. and YOU.

 

So perhaps this is an opportunity for you to embrace the good that came with the bad. Ask yourself if you think he tried to be the best father he knew how to be, but that for many reasons, whatever they are- his own upbringing, mental illness, dependancy, whatever, he fell short of what you need. Ask yourself if it really is a reflection of his lack of love for you, or a reflection of his own personal failings, his own inability to put his family first.

 

For your own sake, forgiving him for failing you could bring you some peace. And yes, I think you'd be much happier if you can do that while he's still here. So maybe, this picture, this song, these are the memories you can choose to hold on to when you think of him. Memories of him doing his best to show his love. And maybe you can put the harmful memories on a shelf, and let them collect some dust in the background for awhile, as these positive memories seem to have been doing for some time...

 

Please don't think I am trying to minimize the ways he failed you. In truth I don't really know, and sometimes there are things that are unforgivable. Only you can decide if that is the case. Nor am I suggesting that his failings be forgotten. Only that you use these positive memories to create a more balanced view of the whole person- good and bad. And then make a choice to remember the good. None of us wants to be remembered for our failings, for the times we hurt others...

 

As for your husband, I'd tell him that making peace with your dad means giving him an opportunity for the two of you to build an adult relationship. Tell him you need his support on this, even if he's not your dad's biggest fan. Understand from your husbands POV, that this man has hurt his wife. It's his instinct to protect you, even from your own father. So if your husband resists a visit, thank him for caring about you enough, but ask him to reconsider, that you feel you are ready to face it.

 

I hope something in there helps.

[Seraphim]

OMG I typed a HUGE response and my browser died..........GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....LOL........I will respond to your great and thoughtful post in a bit.

[Seraphim]

"How you remember your father is, to some degree, a decision you make."

 

This is very true. I can CHOSE to remember the good things about him. Even if the good things were few and far between or I was so young I do not remember them. My parents also divorced when I was 5 and my mother was remarried for 9 years. So the days of when my dad was good to me are limited in my memory and I have to rely on my mother for those memories. Thankfully, she is a very good person and despite all the horrendously evil things he did to her she still paints him in a very good light which is a testament to HER as a human being and a parent.

 

"BUT- If you are carrying around resentment and anger towards your father, who is that helping? Who is learning anything from it? Who is suffering because of it?

 

No one. No one. and YOU."

 

I have forgiven him fully for the parts he played in making my life very hard. I I thought I had given up my anger as well. Perhaps you are VERY insightful in seeing I may not have given up ALL my anger. For the most part I let go of a lot when I was about 30 years old.

 

"Memories of him doing his best to show his love. And maybe you can put the harmful memories on a shelf, and let them collect some dust in the background for awhile, as these positive memories seem to have been doing for some time..."

 

My mother says this too. He did his very very best he could with you and you are the person he loves most in this world. Just take it as that because there is nothing more he could accomplish than what he did.

 

"As for your husband, I'd tell him that making peace with your dad means giving him an opportunity for the two of you to build an adult relationship. Tell him you need his support on this, even if he's not your dad's biggest fan. Understand from your husbands POV, that this man has hurt his wife. It's his instinct to protect you, even from your own father. So if your husband resists a visit, thank him for caring about you enough, but ask him to reconsider, that you feel you are ready to face it."

 

 

My husband was around for the very end of my parents relationship(my mother and father got back together when I was 14) and he even did stuff to my husband that was pretty bad ( used my husband's credit to rent stuff and never returned it) The way my husband sees it I should totally deny my real father and call my step father my father and forget my dad. I am TOTALLY blessed to have my step father. He is an OUTSTANDING man. He took me and my brother as his own kids and our children ARE his grandchildren just like his blood ones. He sees no difference. He raised his 3 kids after his first wife died. HOWEVER, when I met him I was 25 years old. I already HAD a father and he is part of me and I am part of him and I am who I am because of him. And I think I am danged awesome. So no matter what he did it made me a better person. My husband refuses to see it that way. You are right he is big Alpha male and his urge is to protect his wife and son, but he HAS to let me heal this wound with my father for me to be totally complete.

 

Saying all that, I think my father and I are lost in how to do that.