Reservations when moving in with your SO?

[cazmoore]

I'm meant to be moving in with my boyfriend within the next couple of weeks. Currently, he's living with his room mate whom I've never been that keen on in the first place (he's a pot head, drinks.. DUI's), but I told him that when his room mate moves out and when there's no smoking in the house, I'll begin to move my things in, but if he continues to smoke in the house, my stuff will stay home. So Friday, I'm just seeing what happens and if he stops smoking. By the way, I'm a non smoker. (And we both agreed on it – he'd smoke outside) I haven't ever asked him to quit, I just don't want the air i live in, contaminated with cigarettes... contraband cigarettes, it's gross.

 

Anyway, I kind of have my reservations about moving in and I'm not sure if this is normal. We've been painting the house and we're ready to stain the floor, and I get excited about moving in together and I'll say 'I'm looking forward to moving in', but I feel that I'm not getting the same vibe from him. (Yet, he was the one that asked me to move in). I feel like I want him to tell me that he's looking forward to me moving in as well. He's not a big communicator on his feelings either.. and he's sometimes hard to read. We've had our ups and downs over the last year (mainly with his drinking). The last fight we had was a couple weeks ago when I found out he was drinking on Tuesday night when he had just got drunk on Saturday (there was a pattern of drinking Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Tuesday... sometimes Sunday when pro football was on – I broke up with him over it, he said he'd change.. and the drinking consisted of sharing a case of 24 with his buddy and it being finished each night.. Nearly 6 cases a week) so I said, “Why are you drinking again? It's a Tuesday night, I notice the same patterns popping up” and he freaked out and yelled at me because he wanted to drink with his room mate before exam finals and said that his best friend was leaving next week, just turn a blind eye just this once because there wont' be really any drinking when I move in... I just said “Listen, I get it, but it's a Tuesday night and I feel like it's an excuse to drink”. In all fairness, he stopped drinking at the end of January and hadn't had any drinks until April when we went to a stag and doe, and he wasn't really even drunk. 8 light beers over the course of 5 hours. I wouldn't say I'm a nag, I just said that, that was not the kind of 'qualities' i was looking for in a relationship. I like him when he's sober, and I just want to date a responsible man (my other posts explain what I mean with responsiblity) I like having a few drinks on the weekend (well, finishing a bottle of wine maybe every other month) but I'm not a big drinker, and I never have been. I'm ready to settle down when I'm finished school - marriage, kids... but I feel like with us moving in, this will show if we're actually right for each other and if this will work.

 

This is the first time I'm moving in with someone.

 

Anyway, I don't know what I'm getting at. I just have a little bit of anxiety about it, I haven't packed any of my things yet... I have 8 months left of nursing school to get my degree and I just imagined myself being happy moving in because he wanted me there and maybe I'm just a little paranoid thinking we're growing apart before we're moving in... Do I just casually drop the question 'Are you sure you're wanting me to move in?' I wouldn't phrase it like that, but that's what I feel like I want to say. I feel like he probably thinks that "the party is over" with me moving in, and I don't want to feel like I'm that person, but then again, at 26 and him being 27 - I'd expect that he'd be over that 'stage'.

 

Sorry this was long.

[Batya33]

I'd be concerned too because he seems to have a drinking problem (disguised as "normal partying" because his friends probably drink as much or more than he does) and that's going to affect your life and lifestyle much more when you live together - you won't have a home to go to when he's drunk or hungover and in a bad mood, and if you're not a great sleeper, you'll probably lose sleep when he's out partying because you'll be annoyed that he's drinking again. Not drinking for three months doesn't say much other than he can stop for short periods of time.

 

How does he hold down a job with all that drinking? Where does the money come from to pay for all that alcohol?

 

I wouldn't fight with him about his drinking - you're not his mother or therapist - but you have to decide what your plan is if he drinks more than you are comfortable with and focus on what you're going to do about you, not him. I would not combine households or any kind of finances with a person who behaves this way.

 

As far as wanting him to express enthusiasm about you moving in I think it's time to be straight up with him - if this is someone you're thinking of living with you have to be able to have the awkward or difficult conversations.

 

Edited to add - what are your engagement/marriage plans? Have you discussed the purpose of living together before you are engaged? Are you two on the same wavelength about that? I'll add that as a new mom (and newlywed!) taking care of a newborn and a baby requires 24/7 alertness or at least "ready to be alert" - I won't take anything stronger than an aspirin because I know I have to be ready for anything - my husband is the same way. Consider whether you're cool being the only sober parent much of the time and don't count on him changing just because he's going to be a dad or is a dad - that's not fair to a child. I realize marriage/kids are probably a few years away, but given the direction you're headed to me it's never too early to think about compatible lifestyles and values if there's a potential for marriage and family.

[Vince99]

You have the opportunity here to make a good choice or a really bad choice. You already know what the answer is.

 

This has virtually no chance of working out in the long term.

[sidehop]

What worries me is that he had DUI and seems to be drinking behind your back which obviously is a sign he has serious drinking problems if not an alcoholic.

 

You also expect him to smoke outside. I don't know how that will work during winter and when you're not around. I'm very sure he will end up smoking inside the house.

 

Considering his lifestyle and you being the complete opposite while you mention of him not emotionally opening up, it's probably best to really sit down and talk about this before you move in. The last thing you want to do is move in and be stuck because he cannot stop his drinking and his lifestyle stresses you out.

[Flywest29]

Ok well I agree with the above posters. I have read other posts of yours and you have mentioned his drinking numerous times and how it bothers you. I think you know deep down it isn't going to change but maybe are scared of ending the relationship with him because you are ready to settle down with marriage and kids?

 

Reading some of your older posts you seem like you have a lot going for you and are very driven to succeed in school and your career and that is great. On the the other hand he seems content just cruising by and partying. I think you guys are on different wave lengths here. It doesn't seem like moving in would be a good idea, I think it will end up in heartbreak.

 

I am sorry this is probably not what you want to hear, but you are having these feelings for a reason......trust your gut.

[BellaStranger]

I agree with the others and just wanted to add that it really seems like you guys are in totally different places in life! My ex is 28, coming up 29 and is no where near coming out of that 'stage' yet AND he has a responisible job and a child from a previous relationship- but nothing really comes before being a 'lad' and being able to 'party' non stop!! I am 25 and much more where you are, ready to settle down, accept lifes responsibilities, have a family... and I've found the hard way that there is literally no way of bringing a guy on to this wavelength if they haven't got there on their own!! Don't let him turn you into a nag... just be prepared to do whats right for you!

[karvala]

Moving in together? Reading through this and some of your old threads, I'm a little surprised that you're even still together at all. Without taking sides here, it certainly seems as though you're at different places in your lives, have different personalities, different expectations and different ways of handling things. To put a positive spin on it, you must have very strong feelings for each other not to be at each other's throats all the time.

 

I think moving in together might be the straw that breaks the camel's back; you might feel disappointed in him once too often, he might be tired of hearing your disappointment once too often. You're expecting him to change fundamentally, but I'm not sure it's going to happen anytime soon. If you really want to move in together, I think you're going to have to relax your standards somewhat, or it's going to be an endless struggle.

[FreedomRing]

The others all make valid points.

 

Your gut instincts have prevented you from starting to even pack your things...there is a reason for your reservations.

 

I also feel like you two are on different paths at the moment. There is also the possibility that he could resent you for having to "give up" drinking once you're living together....he has to WANT to stop on his own, for him.

 

I would not move in with him, and to take it one step further, I would actually begin thinking about the long-term with this guy and if it, realistically, matches up with your future goals/wants.

 

Good luck.

[cazmoore]

Thanks for your reply guys, I really appreciate it.

 

First - my boyfriend hasn't had a DUI - his room mate has. He couldn't drive for a few years and now has a breathalyser in his car. But still, for whatever reason this bugs me because I think his bestfriend is a low life,... I was upset when his room mate moved in because I knew what he was like, my boyfriend said "We won't be drinking like that, I promise" well, it went WAY worse than I thought and it devastated me. Duh - and yeah he lied about it but I told him I could smell him and he looked disgusting with his bloated beer face and developing gynomastia. Of course he never saw an issue with drinking that much - he surrounded himself with other buddies who drank to validate that drinking was ok. (but these friends drank on the weekends, after the school week or work week)

 

My boyfriend doesn't go out drinking downtown. He'll hit the beer store on his way home after work. He works at a home care facility where he looks after handicapp men (some who are low to high functioning and I must say, he's good at his job). During the week, he doesn't start his shifts until 2.30pm-9pm Monday-Wednesday, and Saturday's he starts work from 9-2.30pm... so that's why he would get his drinking in during the week and on his days off before we broke up since he had ALL MORNING to recover before his afternoon shifts.

 

My boyfriend seemed to think that, when I 'move in' that things would change, and he'd stop drinking, but actions speak louder than words and I told him that I wouldn't move in with him based on the fact that he drank that much. I mean, why would anyone? And you're right, just because he hasn't drank for a few months doesn't mean the problem isn't still there. He's a binge drinker, I don't feel like he can really control his drinking once it starts... (I should also say, his dad is an alcoholic, he doesn't drink anymore (he's on anti seizure medication) but that lead to the death of his parents marriage when he was just a tot)

 

The smoking - he said he'll most likely probably quit. He seems to have an addictive personality... if he smoked in the house when I was working a hospital shift and I knew he was smoking in the house, that would be a deal breaker for me. It shows total disrespect. I won't back down on that.

 

His job pays nearly $20/hr, 38 hours a week... but I'm amazed since he's been working that job for a few years that he hasn't been able to really save money... he has school loans ($17,000, which he never finished school) he has to pay for monthly, but I feel like, seriously, where did all the money you make each year, go? Clothes, booze, eating out... (I know some people live pay check to pay check - I was just a saver)

 

Also, I only work a part time job so I don't have anything really, to contribute, but when I'm actually working "working", I do have my reservations about sharing a joint bank account.

 

This was an email from him in January when I broke up with him after I had enough, and with the encouragement of ENA:

 

Caz, I love you more then anything. I * refuse to let you go without some sort of fight in this. I * may not have done everything i can to prepare myself for a move in with you. But it's the only i can thinkof with us. It's the only thing i want. Please just return my phne call.

 

Second email:

I just spent the last half an hr at your house talking to your dad. Caz, i love you soo much i am shaking ewverywhere in my body right now. I never thought my drinking would take me to this place where i have lost the BEST thing to ever happen to me. I didn't tell your dad my side of the story nor did i try to tell him anything regarding our relationship. I just told him that i am an alcoholic and that i need help. Please give me a call *

 

Third email:

i am not looking to argue ... i spoke with your dad. I am not trying to convince you of anything. Would you just come by after you are done. Bryan will not be here.

 

Those emails probably may not be really related to my post -but it kinda gives you an idea how the chaotic the break up was, he went to my house to speak to my parents - my dad said he wouldn't convince me to go back out with him.. I was an adult, and he has to sort himself out.

 

We talked about marriage over the last 9 months or so. The purpose for this move in is to see if we can really make it work, (because I believe in living together before marriage - I don't want to get married, THEN live with someone, a 'test drive'.. just a personal choice). I want to be engaged before I have kids, and my boyfriend wants to have kids within the next couple of years. I'm not sure if being engaged before I move in makes a real difference to me, but I always expected to live together, then get engaged, married, have kids.. we both agreed on that.

[cazmoore]

Oh wow, there's even more you guys wrote.. yeah... it's a little hard to hear. I really love him a lot and he makes me happy when he's not drinking.. I'd be devastated if we broke up, really. I never broke up with someone I was still in love with.. but I don't want to be turned into a nag, or become unhappy.. I don't think I'm being unrealistic.. I know we are very different. I just wish that I could have him want to be as determined as I am to try and make this work, but maybe we are too different. Ughhhh... this feeling is really horrible and it hurts pretty bad. I'm still with him because I love him, I'm not sure how else to say it. It must seem crazy looking through my other posts I wrote about (which, those fights, are still VERY vivid in my mind) but I sometimes try and reationalize it by saying.. well.. maybe this is what couples argue about? Or if it's normal? I told him after I had a few drinks one time that if we broke up the only girl he could pick up was a wasted 20 year old in a sports bar since that's all he'll ever be able to get.

 

Yeah. Not a nice thing to say, but I still think that (and no, we've never had insecurity issues, or accused each other of cheating.. there's no jealousy, nothing)

[Batya33]

I would not move in with him until he is sober for at least a year, gets some form of help for his drinking problem (like AA or a therapist) and wants to be sober for himself and his own health.

 

Think about it also - if he loses this job and gets a job with more regular hours then what - he'll go to work hung over?

 

That's fine that you want to test the relationship before making an official commitment (I don't agree with that approach, don't think it's an effective way to "test" but so be it) -- how are you going to test how he would be with parenting? Is that something you're willing to go into without testing but marriage, you're not? Just something to think about especially given his drinking problem and different financial values than you have.

[cazmoore]

Yeah good question about the parenting... I'm not sure, I hadn't got that far yet I don't know, I'm really just confused about the whole thing to be honest. I had to put the problem on the back burner for the last month or so, so I could focus on my finals and get enough sleep for my hospital consolidation shifts for school... I didn't want anything screwing up my tests. So now that the issue is HERE, and it's waving at me... I'm not sure which angle to approach it from.

[sidehop]

I agree with Batya, if he cannot be sober and either quit smoking or have the habit of going outside to smoke, that problem alone will not disappear. Everything may seemed to have changed at first but I'm pretty sure he'll go back to his habits if it's not resolved already.

 

I don't see that the breakup is necessary but please think twice about moving in with him to avoid any heartbreaks. It could stem from so many reasons but he's not in a healthy state of mind for you to be around and once he's back to his old habits, it could end really ugly.

 

He has friends that drinks and I'm sure smokes as well as who knows what drugs they could be involved with. It's not just him, the overall picture of who he welcomes in life doesn't seem like the right fit for you to be around. No this is completely normal to be concerned about. It's a risk for your health as well.

 

If the move can wait I would for awhile until he's absolutely sure and can prove to you that he has changed.

[BellaStranger]

I REALLY feel for you Caz cos you sound so exactly like me 6 months ago when I was just moving in with my ex!! We did move in together and things went from bad to worse... I spent nights in on my own, going to bed at midnight, tired and upset... and cross cos he'd 'promised' he'd be in at 10... the fights escalated, the resentment built and the good times faded. Eventually he broke up with me... we had only been living together 4 months and I had become a nag and was constantly on his case and he decided he had had enough! Despite everything I knew, how wrong I KNEW we were for each, I was and am still devestated because I still love him so much! I have to believe this is right though.

 

If you want to then feel free to PM me.