Second chance?

[ElectricSheep123]

A summary of my story:

 

My ex was the best (only) love I ever known. I trusted him. He had a reputation for being good in bed, apparently giving one of his ex-girlfriends 14 orgasms in one all-night session. He is bisexual, and was in his first gay relationship with me. I thought he had above-level sex drive, bordering on addiction.

 

Nearly 4 months into our relationship, he told me that he had cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. I would have forgiven him if it was only once. But it was three times. That was completely unforgivable, although he did confess it to me. And what's even more heartbreaking was that he broke down, sobbed and told me he did a "horrible", "disgusting" thing (his words), and begged me to stay. I asked him why he did it, he said that "he missed sex [with a woman]".

 

I think sex was a way for him to define himself, if that makes sense, and to an extent, I really look at him as a victim of his sex drive; something that he may need therapy for in the future. And being in a steady relationship with a guy was so new to him, especially given his "reputation". I think he truly is sorry. And when I was walking out on him, he hugged me and latched on to me and wouldn't let me go, and I had to fight to pry him off of me (which is a hard task, since he's a 6'3'' rugby player, and I'm 5'8''). And he followed me out on the street and was willing to make an ass of himself while people watched (even though he's closeted to an extent; I'm out). And two days later he drove to my house and begged for a second chance, or for the chance to at least be friends with me because he "doesn't want to lose me."

 

I still didn't take him back-- told him I " hated him" (I don't) I blocked him on facebook, changed my cell #, and blocked his e-mail. He's called my house a few times, most recently on Sunday, 6 times in a row (I cut his call every time).

 

What to do? Is there any way for me to give him a second chance, or do I just cut him out of my life and move on? I've raised this question before, but I just want to hear new opinions. It devastated me when he cheated, but I love him, and he honestly cares about me.

[Unity]

Him making a borderline psycho of himself doesn't prove he's really sorry. He's going to extreme dramatics but honestly I'd just ignore it.

 

And I truly believe that relationships can overcome infidelity but he sounds very, very immature.

[ElectricSheep123]

Him making a borderline psycho of himself doesn't prove he's really sorry. He's going to extreme dramatics but honestly I'd just ignore it.

 

And I truly believe that relationships can overcome infidelity but he sounds very, very immature.

 

Lol. First time I'd seen a guy cry like that. Despite being extremely masculine, he is definitely not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. I just interpreted it as him not wanting to lose me, but my friend did say it's like he has no self-restraint and self-respect. lol

 

But I still love him. 1 month no-contact. Sometimes I feel strong enough to move on and never seen him again. Other times, I can't breathe, and I'm tempted to call him and tell him I don't want to lose him.

[Mimori]

I wouldn’t step back into a relationship with him just yet. Maybe in a year or so, but not immediately… It’s pretty simple to see why, he needs to mature and come to terms with how to be a loyal partner. His sexuality isn’t the concern on my part, but the fact that he needs to know that even if he dates a man, or a woman, infidelity and cheating is always frowned upon.

 

Now granted, if he’s new to the dating world of the same sex, you could give him the benefit of the doubt and later on decide to “try again” if he seemed to improve on his loyalty factor, but trust is a major factor in any relationship.

 

Although, I don’t support cheating even once, it’s truly your decision and your limitations, not mine. Being in the situation you were in, I could be a little more understanding and later decide if I could give him another chance, one more chance. Never let it become a habit where you forgive and forget, you need to set your own boundaries and morals to live by, however, we all make mistakes and people can change with time.

 

Key word is time, time allows us the experience and knowledge to overcome any situation (that includes temptations to return on old habits, like sleeping with another women especially an ex).

 

He may be completely sorry for what he did, but he needs to prove that he can be a loyal partner, and friend. I’d personally hate to see him hurt you a second time, but you also didn’t need to lie in order to get your point accross. (Telling him you hate him when you don’t, I don’t believe lying needs to be involved). Perhaps you made a mistake as well, were you there for him and actually discussed boundaries and helped him come to some sort of understanding with his sexuality? –To me, he sounds as if he’s bi-sexual, mainly because of the fact he’s attracted (sexually) to woman.

 

To be honest, the ball is in your court. You could easily remain friends as long as you aren’t growing too emotionally attached to him. (Emotional cheating dose exist and is still as painful as sexually cheating on a partner). I don’t see any harm in talking to him, after you draw up your terms and conditions of where you two go on from here.

 

If you truly love him, and believe (truly without a doubt) that he is “the one” for you. Give it a shot…you only live once, it’s up to you if you want to spend your time with him, or to find someone else who was honest and loyal from the beginning.

[ElectricSheep123]

Very thoughtful reply. Thank you.

 

I know I didn't need to lie and tell him that I hated him. But to be honest, at that time, all I felt was hurt and betrayal and rage, and I probably misinterpreted it as hatred. But I told him that I hated him in order to negate a mistake that I/we made when he came to visit me. We were talking for about 4 hrs, and after about 3 1/2 hrs of him crying and apologizing etc. our conversations turned too friendly, and I got the impression that he thought this was an amicable break-up. And at one point when he was crying, I hugged him, and he tried to kiss me (I pulled away). And when we were in his car, he started to caress my neck and touch my hands, and I thought it was all very manipulative, under the circumstances. I was very vulnerable at that point, and he knew it (it was also my first real relationship. He, on the other hand, has a record of sleeping with 46 other people before (!; his words-- I don't know why he counts), although I'm his 8th real relationship. He turned 21 in Feb. btw).

Anyway, he was being too sweet, and too comfortable, and I was filled with anger. So when he dropped me off and tried to give me a "goodbye hug", I ripped into him and told him I hated his guts and never wanted anything to do with him again. That was the last time we spoke.

 

We had discussed boundaries. Early into our relationship, we frequently discussed commitment issues, since I was the first guy he dated (not the first guy he slept with), and he would make me promise that he was my only, without promising me the same. He didn't explicitly commit until the second month. We were clear on boundaries. We had discussed a threesome, but our discussion was on the same day that he confessed his cheating. Actually, he used the threesome as a segue into telling me how he missed girls, then when we were discussing that, he told me everything.

 

I knew his preference. Sexually, he preferred girls about 65:35, but he told me that emotionally, he was with me 100%. I guess his sex drive got to him this time. I tell you, he's addicted. Anyone who wants sex (oral, intercourse etc) about 5 - 6 times a day everyday probably needs a little therapy. (I'm not judging...)

 

I love him, but I can't be with him until I manage to get the image out of my head. Every time I think of him, I just picture them moaning and having sex, and it just cuts like a knife.

 

And being his friends is tricky, because like his friendship with his ex-gf, I think he keeps his exes around so that he can have "friends with benefits" when he's lonely or dissatisfied. I won't be one of the people he uses for sex. (I guess I'm in one of my resilient moods right now lol)

[Baily]

No way...they are sexually addicted...

 

IMO - you are wanting something that is going to break your heart....wake up to the 1000's of others out there....there are better guys than that....

 

...but if you go back to him....don't act surprised when he does it again...you know better...but again...if you choose that path...don't say you weren't warned...