Question: Am I just being crazy?

[kitty1223]

Hi Everyone,

 

I have a quick question that I hope someone can answer for me. I am pretty sure I know the answer, but I just need some outside perspective.

 

My boyfriend is 46 and his 30 year h.s. reunion (3 day event) is coming up this weekend. I am 31 and I do not feel it is my place to be there with him, although s.o's are welcome and he has invited me to these types of things in the past.

 

My issue arises with the fact that he did not even extend an invitation, and more so, that it will take place within a few miles of where I live and he did not consider dropping by to see me 1) friday before the bar outing 2) saturday before the banquet dinner 3) sunday after bbq

 

He has been stressed out lately due to closing on a home, and I have been very understanding of this, so when he couldn't make it last wednesday and then thursday, i understood and drove to him on friday spending the entire weekend helping him pack.

 

I had to bring up whether he wanted to see each other at all this week, if that was his intention, ok i understood, just let me know so i can make my plans (which i already did for the weekend).

 

My tendency in past relationships was to hold everything in, but this time i brought it up gently and openly, no anger, sarcasm, etc. hoping he would understand my need to know about this week. is that just needy? i don't know anymore. Does having a certain expectation for time with your s.o. automatically put me in the category?

 

Anyway his response was wednesday is the only day i can see u. i have a work outing on thursday and he was hoping to come by but i did not want to change my plans (guilty of doing this for people in the past as well).

 

At that point, i said ok, no problem. but it still bothers me that he couldn't at least say "i have my reunion this weekend. it's going to be a bunch of 50 year olds so it probably won't be fun for you, but i'll be in the neighborhood btwn events...maybe we can get together?"

 

again, alot of things are at play right now. his house closing, me on the nicotine patch, my need to be treated well (as well as I treat him), and his tendency to talk alot about himself, his issues, his plans, etc etc.

 

he calls me 20+ times a day in small spurts telling me every detail of his life, what's going on with the closing, 2 mins later he thinks of something he needs to do, and says "I'll call u back". 3 mins later, phone rings again. I feel bad and don't want to not be there for him so I answer every time. I never intitiate calls to him. The few times i have in our r'ship i felt he was busy, napping, irritated by something else, distracted. so i stopped. When i try to mention something about me, he goes silent, and says sorry i was doing something.

 

I made an appt with a therapist (he doesn't know) for saturday. ive wanted to do this for a long time because i know its not just him. the whole reuinion weekend thing made me think. am i just expecting too much? at the same time, he expects so much out of me. it was a given that i pack with him last weekend. i was so exhausted 4 hrs in, i layed down for a minute and couldn't wake up. but the whole time i felt guilty that i wasn't doing what he expected out of me.

 

Any advise would be so much appreciated. thank you for reading.

 

E

](*,)

[nutbrownhare]

Your fella sounds very, very selfish. He expects you to be interested in every single aspect of his life, but has no interest in yours except in so far as you're useful to him. No, needing to know whether he'll be available or not - so you can make plans of your own if he isn't - is not AT ALL being needy. It's not as if you were demanding of him or his time, just asking for information on which to base a decision.

 

I agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea; but not because you're asking too much. You may well be asking too much of this self-centred, spoilt little boy (aged 46), but healthy relationships are founded on give-and-take, not one person tiptoeing around, worried that they're not living up to the partner's expectations. You need to believe that you are worthy of the very best that life has to offer, in life, love and everything - and a therapist will help you with THIS!

 

Good luck!

[teabee]

he calls me 20+ times a day in small spurts telling me every detail of his life, what's going on with the closing, 2 mins later he thinks of something he needs to do, and says "I'll call u back". 3 mins later, phone rings again. I feel bad and don't want to not be there for him so I answer every time. I never intitiate calls to him. The few times i have in our r'ship i felt he was busy, napping, irritated by something else, distracted. so i stopped. When i try to mention something about me, he goes silent, and says sorry i was doing something.

 

That stands out more than anything else. He sounds very immature and self-centered. You sound very giving, but also guilt-driven for whatever reason--what made you feel bad for collapsing 4 hours into helping him move, when you already do so much for him? I think the reunion thing is nothing too special in itself, but why it's bothering you is because it's an aggravation of the same old dynamic where you feel under-appreciated and unheard, and then you're left wondering if you're just being needy. I agree with nutbrown, it's not needy in the least to ask for his plans so you can make yours, and it's not normal to be in a relationship where you feel tentative about asking such questions.

[kitty1223]

Thank you for the replies, teabee and nutbrown.

 

I guess I wish his attitude about seeing me didn't bother me so much--that I didn't have to ask and that he could've made time for me in between his events. i just feel so overlooked.

 

I think i am pretty self-aware and I agree that therapy might be a good thing to do to help me work out some issues--mainly the fact that i haven't been single for more than 2 months since 1996. it is the underlying fear of being left alone that others seem to take advantage of.

 

He is not a bad person, but i did notice it's almost always on his terms. when i bottled everything up, he said i didn't know how to communicate. when i try to be open and honest, he still gets defensive.

 

he said i should not be concerned when he sees me. i took it to mean when i feel like it i'll see u. he said no, that he shoudnt have to schedule seeing me. but that leaves me waiting around for him? and when he has a party to attend i just disappear off his radar?

 

of course, next weekend after he is moving so he expects me to be there for the heavy lifting i suppose. it's like he gets [pleasure out of seeing me perform manual labor.

 

i know he is stressing out over this house thing but who doesn't have stress in their lives? i'm trying to quit smoking, family problems, and i could use some support. but its just never about me.

 

my wish is that with some therapy i can get to the point where i know i can be alone for a bit and one day have a family of my own with someone who adores me as much as I do them. i don't even know if he wants that. not likely.

 

=(

[catfeeder]

When someone shows you who he is, believe him.

 

Your desires and needs aren't the problem, your investment in someone who's not interested in meeting them even half way is a huge problem.

 

When your answer to, "Do I want and deserve better than this?" is clearly "Yes," then it's no longer him causing your conflict--it's your continued hope against all evidence that he'll change.

 

My heart goes out to you.