My boyfriends female friend says she likes to

[GrowingUp]

Fu&& on her Myspace page, I told him I don't like her because she she annoys me with befriended my boyfriend when she knows I don't like her.. I went to her myspace page and it says she likes to drink, dance, and FU**. My jealousy has broken us up before and it just might break us up again. I can't stand this girl and he won't stop being her friend because he says I am controlling and he isnt attracted to her blah blah blah. I feel like I'm obsessed with this.

[rosephase]

Your 28? That sounds like an issue 20 year olds have. You have to decide if you trust him. If you don't it might break up your relationship if yo do, then really trust him and understand it's okay for him to be friends with her.

 

If you truly don't trust him then your not in any kind of real relationship in the first place.

[GrowingUp]

I feel like its taking me forever to grow up. Hence my screen name. I am so lost here. I feel like I trust him but sometimes I am just so insecure within myself I can't stand it. He has been with me for all these years and he keeps trying to work it out with me and I keep bringing this up over and over again. Since we broke up and got back together he wants me to accept all these things from him. He knows I hate smokers...what does he do he smokes. He says he will stop slowly..he knows I hate it but he keeps doing it. He tells me that now I have to accept this girl as his friend. Before he stopped communicating with her because I asked him, now that we are back together what does he do? He tells me she is his friend and he won't stop talking to her just because I asked him to. He is torturing me. I feel like I can't take it anymore, I'm obsessed.

[rosephase]

How long have you been together? Has he ever cheated on you? How did he meet this woman you don't like?

[Undyinglova]

Okay... so... does your bf talk to her? and if he does, do they ever have conversations that could be considered "wrong"? i.e. of sexual nature/flirtatious (w/e your definition of wrong is i guess).

[abitbroken]

does he even KNOW this girl? Some people just go around on myspace "friending" people they don't even know in real life. If its someone who he doesn't even know I wouldn't worry about it. And its what she says on HER page = she didn't post on his telling him she wanted to do it with him, right? I think she is just tacky.

[GrowingUp]

We have been together for 5 years. I met the girl I would say 3 times. She just gets on my nerves, she's annoying. She knows I don't like her and she stays in the picture. He says the reason is because she doesn't know why I don't like her and its completely innocent. She doesn't call him very often so I don't hear any conversations they have, the times that I did hear them communicate it seemed harmless but what do I know? He met her next door, she used to live in the same builind he lived in..he has since moved away but they keep in touch. Isn't that so disrespectul to our relationship? She claims she is engaged..yeah right. Her myspace says she is single and she says she likes beautiful women? So is she lesbian or engaged to a man? I am so annoyed right now I feel like I can cry.

[GrowingUp]

does he even KNOW this girl? Some people just go around on myspace "friending" people they don't even know in real life. If its someone who he doesn't even know I wouldn't worry about it. And its what she says on HER page = she didn't post on his telling him she wanted to do it with him, right? I think she is just tacky.

 

Sorry I should have mentioned that he does know her in real life. I made another post about it this month. I am still struggling with this even though he has talked about it with me 100 times.

[GrowingUp]

I have a feeling we might fight about this tonight, I feel like I want to bring it up to his attention as to why he would want to be friends with this girl.

[DN]

You already broke up with him over this and regretted it.

 

And now you are going to risk it again.

 

Not wise.

 

I read that thread and you are really acting in a very controlling and jealous way. He may not change his mind this time if he breaks up with you.

[Undyinglova]

basically... if you wanna stay with him and he hasnt done anything to lose your trust, then let it go.

 

otherwise, carry on. I am sure some of us will be waiting here to gather your tears and comfort you once you're done with the relationship. Hell, some of us may even encourage what you did.

 

good luck

[rosephase]

Do you have ANY reasons other then they are friends on facebook to believe that he is cheating on you.

 

And no I don't think talking with someone or being friends with an old neighbor is disrespectful to your relationship.

[GrowingUp]

No I don't have any reason I guess to believe that he likes her or anything BUT he didn't seem to care to have female friends until he met her. So yeah....I feel like he thinks she's hot or special or something. I have no idea to be honest.

[geekgirl4]

What do you mean he didn't care to have female friends before? Can we get more details on that?

[GrowingUp]

He said he didn't want to have female friends when we first got together, 3 years later look what he does, he goes and gets one.

[GrowingUp]

he says when we were broken up he would hang out and talk to her, he would go out to beers with her and her friends. It makes me insane inside.

[rosephase]

In three years people change.

 

Look, in the end this is your choice. You can let this rip a part your relationship (again) and move on to someone you can trust more (if there is anyone you can trust more) or you can sit down with your boyfriend tell him how hard it is for you and promise to work on it. Be clear about things he could do to make it easier on you (like talk on the phone with her in front of you, maybe hanging out together, ect) and start looking at why you feel the way you feel.

 

I promise you most men have female friends. Some of them are sexy. Some of them are cool. Some of them are threatening. But the simple fact is these women have NO SAY in your boyfriend cheating on you if he is trust worthy.

 

Also maybe you should try and get to know this girl. She is your boyfriend's friend. And it sounds like you don't like her because of that and not for any other real issue. So maybe reach out a little see if you have anything in common. Getting to know her might ease your fear. She's just a person.

[Lucius]

This kind of excessive jealousy, repeated over and over, would drive me truly insane. I really couldn't live with it, myself.

 

You've said, in at least one previous thread, that your boyfriend has always proven himself trustworthy. That the girl in question was only ever nice to you, and that they've never done anything suspicious. You even admitted that the only reason you "dislike" her is because she befriended your boyfriend. This is really very immature behaviour, and I promise you that it's not something most men (or, were the situation reversed, most women either) will put up with forever. Please take responsibility for your emotions and stop jerking your boyfriend around every time you feel insecure. It's wholly unnecessary, and tremendously destructive.

[Kaiser_Soze]

Honestly it sounds like you are intimidated by her. The absolute quickest way to drive your man into someone else's arms is to constantly lay into him with a jealous, insecure rant. Don't try and convince him how trashy she is or try and diminish his perception of her character . Instead do things that increase his perception of yours. Take a deep breath, relax and remind yourself that you are the one that he wants. Nothing sexier on a woman than confidence with composure. Trust me. He knows what your worth.

[hers]

What took you to her myspace page in the first place?

[geekgirl4]

You're penning him in by basically forbidding him from having female friends. Friends come in all different personalities, and yes, GENDER. You've stated many times before that you're SO is trustworthy, nothing seems to be going on between him and the girl, and that she isn't a bad person, she was just taken back by how unfriendly YOU are being to her. He hasn't given you any real reason for you to not trust him. What you've brought up as evidence so far in your previous threads and this one doesn't point towards any level of cheating. Sure, the girl like to f***, maybe she's just an open person (if not raunchy) but if he's kept friendly, but not flirty relationship with her, so be it, it's his friend.

 

If he's being stubborn in keeping her a friend, it's only so that he can stand for what he believes in and not give into you every single time you have a jealous fit. You need to drop these jealous thoughts because it seems like your SO is trustworthy guy. He may have said he didn't need a female friend 3 years ago, but he's probably standing down now because you're having so many jealousy issues.

 

To be honest, it's a huge turn off when someone tries to control you to this extent. Keyword: control. He's your partner, not someone you can jerk around. You can either accept that he can have friends and get a therapist to work through your jealous thoughts or you can dump him and find someone who has absolutely no female friends and would never talk to them. You make the call.

[GrowingUp]

I looked at her myspace page because I was bored at work....I didn't have anything to do so I just started searching for people I knew to maybe friend them. She popped up into my head and I guess my obsessive behavior took over. I feel bad for the way I feel...I know he will eventually start to resent my behavior. I feel like my mind is controlling me or something.

[FathomFear]

He tells me she is his friend and he won't stop talking to her just because I asked him to. He is torturing me. I feel like I can't take it anymore, I'm obsessed.

 

He's not torturing you. You're torturing yourself with your own insecurities. This is an important distinction. You can't realistically expect the people in your life to mold themselves around yourself this way. In your post you admit you have a problem with this; you need to focus on that, not on how the problem is causing you to want your partner to manage his facebook or myspace around it.

[Kaiser_Soze]

I looked at her myspace page because I was bored at work....I didn't have anything to do so I just started searching for people I knew to maybe friend them. She popped up into my head and I guess my obsessive behavior took over. I feel bad for the way I feel...I know he will eventually start to resent my behavior. I feel like my mind is controlling me or something.

 

Like you said, "I feel bad for the way I feel". That obsessive behavior doesn't make anyone feel good. You have got to acknowledge the fact that you cannot police any relationship to the point that you are guaranteed not to get hurt. Thats what this is really all about, the fear of losing someone and thus being hurt. Love him for as long as you have him, whether its a day or the rest of your life. Nothing is guaranteed, but I can tell you this, TRUST feels so much more empowering than being CONTROLLING. Let it go...

[hers]

So you purposefully went searching for something to make you feel bad?