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Pseudo Past is Haunting my relationship - Help!


com5330

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I have an issue and am looking some neutral rational advice.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating about 2 years and for the most part we get along very well. She is a great sweet girl in almost every way. The one problem we do have is her jealousy particularly towards one girl in my past. This one girl was my best friend’s girlfriend before my girlfriend and I started going out. My best friend, his gf, and I always hung out together and were a group of friends. However, best friend’s relationship started going south around the time I was getting together with my current gf. About that time I started to notice that my friend’s gf was somehow nicer than seemed right, and I suspected she may be interested in me. I never was interested in her, so I stopped being close friends with her. About this time my gf was randomly being irrationally jealous, crying, asking questions about everything for what appeared to be no reason.

 

Come to find out, my friend’s now ex-gf had been sending complex stories (lies) about her and I to my girlfriend in an effort to destroy our relationship. It went deeper than I ever could imagine, she knew me well and could come up with convincing stories. Unfortunately, my gf never told me about this until later so I was unable to defend myself or stop it. As if that wasn’t enough, I stopped communication with that girl and blocked her online because I knew something was up although not what… so she went so far as to create fake online profiles harvest information and to “flirt” with me and try to get me to respond so she could use that info to break up my gf and I’s relationship. (Harvest = find out when I am with my gf and text constantly etc) Anyway, I am not a bad person, I love my gf and would NEVER cheat or flirt with other girls so those plans failed. Eventually I figured out the whole of what she was doing and made her stop, and it all came out in the open – I thought that was the end of it.

 

But now it looks like her blows landed... my gf is still paranoid now years later. She must not honestly believe nothing happened, I am not sure but we have had several significant fights about that girl. I feel I did nothing wrong and she irrationally states I should have stopped that girl from “Hurting her” with those lies – but remember she never told me that was happening, so I am at a loss. The thing that I really don’t understand is I am pretty sure she knows nothing happened since we’re going out, because by that time I was no longer associating with the other girl and was outwardly annoyed with the situation. But she is very paranoid about before that – nothing happened but even if it did, we were not going out and it was before I knew her, so why does it matter?

 

Anyway, the thing that really set this off was recently I’ve had some health issues due to stress at work and an infection in my throat- all cleared up now but still feeling the effects of the medicine, and my gf just had a dream that the other girl has AIDS. Now she seems to be concerned that I somehow have it. I try to explain the flaws in that thought process (Never even held hands, AIDs doesn’t fly around like a cold…) but she doesn’t get it. She is not “fighting” with me but is just worried.

 

What are your thoughts? What can I do? I would go get a test to prove it but that is not the point, she is my first, I don't do drugs... and at some time this stuff have to stop. Am I wrong? I have never lied or cheated on her in any way. And she claims to know this and believe it. (What she subconsciously thinks, I don’t know) Another aspect is, this is only one girl that "liked" me. Guys are trying to get her constantly, but I trust her. I don't think the situation is being treated fairly, both directions.

 

Any advice?

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Dude your gf has some serious growing up to do... My advice has to main points that tie in with eachother: 1. Be realistic with her. Don't hide your feelings just because you think it will endanger the relationship. It is only fair that you make perfectly clear what you are willing to put up with as far as trusting you, dealing with her fits, and assauging her irrational feelings. 2. Appeal mainly to her emotions not to her sense of logic. Seeing as logic is clearly not playing a huge role in her getting upset, it is clearly to be put on the backburner. You should put out on the table the facts, but more importantly you should appeal positively to her emotions with your voice, body language, choice of words, gestures of love, mushy poetry etc lol. Have conviction of belief behind your words and they will be expressed outwardy for her to see naturally. This is an emotional persuasion you are trying to make after all.

 

At the end of the day if you can't handle it any more and she is clearly not ready to take your word for it, aka her issues get the better of her. You can always give her a hug and tell her that you tried your best for her, but maybe a healthy relationship should have two hearts entwined enough that this sort of issue should not really be an issue at all.

 

Good luck!

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Well, I am sure the whole AIDs thing is just a temporary lapse in sane thinking.

 

I am more concerned about the fact she can't get over that other girl I did nothing with, and it keeps cropping up in various forms.

 

Except for this flaw she is nearly perfect... I don't want to break up with her lol.

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I'd suggest counseling for your girlfriend. The sad part of all of this is that there are men out there who gaslight women. Look it up. It is pretty insidious. If she's ever been gaslighted, or knows someone who has, she is going to have a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that not everyone with a penis is a douchtard.

 

She needs to get beyond this, not just for you, but for any future relationship she may have.

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Come to find out, my friend’s now ex-gf had been sending complex stories (lies) about her and I to my girlfriend in an effort to destroy our relationship

 

How did you find this out? Did your gf tell you or did you find out from another source. If your gf is having dreams about you having AIDS and then imagining this to be so, is it possible she is fabricating the story about that woman saying these things to break up the two of you. Does your gf have irrational thinking in other ways? Is she a drama queen, is she controlling?

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Anyway, the thing that really set this off was recently I’ve had some health issues due to stress at work and an infection in my throat- all cleared up now but still feeling the effects of the medicine, and my gf just had a dream that the other girl has AIDS. Now she seems to be concerned that I somehow have it. I try to explain the flaws in that thought process (Never even held hands, AIDs doesn’t fly around like a cold… but she doesn’t get it. She is not “fighting” with me but is just worried.

I did read that right, didn't I? That she's worried about something that ultimately happened in a DREAM? She seriously needs to get in touch with reality, here!!!

 

If you buy into the idea that dreams are wish-fulfillment, then it sounds as though she is still harbouring a great deal of hostility towards the other girl - understandably. I also don't get why your girlfriend didn't mention that she was getting these nasty messages from the other one, too - they'd have been nasty and manipulative if they were true, let alone that they were fantasy. I've been in a situation where my partner had a female friend who had fancied him for ages, and would hint to me that perfectly innocent interactions between them were a lot more than they actually were. My fella and I used to laugh about it.

 

The fact that your girlfriend didn't mention it, and is now bringing up this - frankly bizarre - stuff suggests that she has some serious unresolved issues of her own. You need to have a rational conversation with her, reassure her you love her with all the romantic gestures suggested above - but if this behaviour continues it's likely to drive you crazy, too!

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com5330, dude, where do you find these women? A caustic, conniving b***h, and someone who lives in a dream world? I would start writing a memoir...you can't buy a story like this!

 

Seriously, I think it's time for you to clean house and stop letting these freakish women tread all over you. Your friend's ex needs to be stopped in her tracks and told that if she doesn't stop harassing you, legal proceedings will follow. Your GF needs to be woken up out of dream land and told that if she doesn't get her head on straight and trust you enough to take your side on this, she's history. Enough is enough.

 

Unless you enjoy being codependent, or thrive on drama - call these people on their crap!

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Well, in regards to the lies that girl was feeding her... It is true. She told me a long time ago, but not immediately at the time it was happening. I know its true from other sources, and now the puzzle fits. And after I suspected this girl had created fake profiles etc I send messages to the suspected profiles with IP tracers embedded in the message... and they were all accessed by that girls dorm room.

 

I hate drama and that situation was worthy of a movie or TV episode. Maybe like Obsessed, I like the outcome of that movie ha!

 

But seriously, my gf does not have a control issue, and aside from this issue isn't a drama queen. I imagine she didn't tell me at first because our relationship was new and she wanted to investigate/try to determine if there was any validity to that girl's claims. That being said, if the situation was reversed I would immediately bring it up and talk about it. Situation over one way or another right then.

 

Anyway, I think the rational conversation about how this type of thing is destroying our relationship combined with some expression of my feelings ad why I don't want the relationship destroyed (Flowers, chocolates or etc) might be the way to hit this. I do love her and want to make this work, but won't be able to tolerate having to defend myself against irrational accusation indefinitely.

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One thing I forgot to mention that might make her concerns more understandable, our relationship started off long distance - for the first few months. I've since moved accross the country to be with her, but these events occurred during the long distance phase.

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