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Dear Liam


Seraphim
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Wow, I can not believe you have been gone for almost 3 years now. That seems an impossible amount of time. I come to think of you because I know we will be leaving you behind when we move. That does not grieve me like it once did. I know you are not really in your burial place but in my heart and in heaven. I have let go of a lot of grief, but there will always be some while I can not see or hold you. I will have to wait for my life to be over to do that.

 

Your big brother still talks about you and asks what you would be doing in life now had you been with us. I think his heart is better off knowing you did exist, even if you are not with us. He is not angry anymore and he speaks of you with love in his eyes and joy in his heart. You both would have been fabulous together.

 

Dad misses you too but he walls it inside, he said your death was the single worse day of his life.

 

We are all moving on though and we still think of you daily and less and less with sorrow.

 

kisses little one,

 

Love Mommy

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I often wonder if you would have had eyes like your dad, that deep deep blue or like mine and your brother's, a brilliant green. You definitely looked a lot like your brother in a familial way, and yet you looked like yourself. I could tell you had your father's nose not mine. Your father's size of eyes. A big head like your brother and very very long limbs. Your hands were like mine. It would be SO neat to see how you would have turned out. Who you would have been like. How you and your much older big brother would have interacted.

 

My wonderful boy about 4 weeks before his death

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  • 8 months later...

Hello my little boy, I can not believe another year is coming. I was going to bring your pic home for Christmas but I forgot.I had so much to bring with me. We did not go see you at the cemetery either there was just so many people to see. One day though when mommy comes home on her own I will come and see you. You were in my mind and heart though all Christmas Day and I prayed for you on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day along with the many others I pray for. I just want you to know I will always think of you and hold you in my heart.

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I wonder what you will be like when we meet in heaven. You will have seen me for so long but I will have not known you, other than what I feel of your soul now and again.

 

I wonder what you would have looked like as you aged, what you would have been good at, how your life would have played out. I imagine you and your brother would have been great friends. He would have loved you to pieces as he loves little kids. It would have been more difficult though as you would have been 10 years apart in age. At least you would have had each other when I am gone. Now your big brother will have no one when I am gone which is truly sad. No one but his cousins who are all girls. While he feels very close to them he will not have too too much in common with them like he would with a brother. He may need help when he is grown up and I sometimes worry about his future alone.

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I agree with Sherry Vic. Even if I were to lose my brother and sister (God forbid) my best friend is in every sense and form, my sister. Her child is my niece. Blood is a great thing to have, but there are so many other ways to have family. He will have a best friend in life who he will be extremely close to. Will never take the place his brother could have been but he won't be alone.

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Your journal is so moving.

 

I'm an only child, Vic. I'll be honest with you - there have been times that I've been conscious of the fact that when I don't have my parents anymore I won't have any immediate blood relatives. I think I'm more conscious of this than someone like my cousin (who is also an only child) who thinks of me as a sister and so doesn't quite feel that way. But can I say.. while I felt like that at a time when I was less happy with my life.. having gotten married.. I now feel that even when my parents do pass.. they'll always be in my heart and I'll never be alone (in terms of immediate blood relatives). I feel like I am a product of all they have put into me and I will carry that around forever and carry their love around forever. I think reaching a truly happy place in life and in my heart - has made me see that I'll never be alone despite not having sibblings.

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It is not so much I am worried he won't have friends. I am worried about his level of autism and his learning disabilities and if he will be able to hold employment and look after himself after I am gone. He will have no family to help look after him other than his cousins. I do not think his friends would be willing to care for him should he not be able to. He may need someone in that capacity and he may not. I have no idea as of yet.

 

Thank you all.

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I miss you so much. I wish you had not died. I do not know why I can never seem to let go of the idea of a baby but I can't let it go. Not that I am trying for one, but, the idea is always there. I want the opportunity of the idea and one day when it is ideal to go ahead, but that is almost a ZERO chance. I guess I have to just have God take this over because there is nothing I can do with it.

 

I am happy when people get pregnant, I truly am, honestly and truly, but it makes me jealous and sad too. Is that wrong?

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We did try to adopt about 10 years ago but my husband stopped the process a week before we got our new child. He said he was "not ready" and felt pushed. We almost got divorced over it. I am not willing to do that again, at least not with him. He is far too fickle about making up one's mind about things of importance.

 

All other scientific.......IVF and all that are not allowed by my religion.

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Some days I am glad you are in heaven and not subjected to the ugliness of this world. Some days I am surprised I am part of it. You were too perfect and beautiful for this place. Pray for your mother and whisper in the Lord's ear to help her. It is one of those bad days I hate.

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Here is what mommy wrote to you a few days after your death

 

 

In Memory Of Liam Gabriel

 

 

May 22, 2007

 

What you mean

 

For Mommy you were the opportunity to start another journey,

To not repeat mistakes I had made.

You were a chance to guide another human being to their potential, to love more than I thought possible.

For Daddy you were the dream to see baby smiles again.

You were a little hand to hold, eyes that would sparkle and the promise to be immortal once again.

To your brother you were the life long dream to be able to mentor. love and the chance to play.

Someone to walk the journey of life with when Mommy and Daddy are gone, to know he would never be alone.

Maybe most of all you are peace and hope and you gave us so much with your calm acceptance. The calm acceptance in the way you came into this world and left it.

You are forever loved and missed, our Angel.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Wow life changes so much. Around this time 4 years ago you were conceived. Sometime in early Feb 2007. It is still sad that you are not here and I miss you. I remember being SO shocked when I found out I was pregnant with you. I was stunned, utterly stunned. The first person I told about your existence was your big brother. Your dad was away working. Your brother was SO excited. Then we told your Nana. Your brother handed her the test and said........look Nana I am going to be a big brother! She did not clue in right away, but then it hit her. She was stunned but excited. I remember feeling disconcerted that I would lose some of my new found freedom since your brother was older and did not need me so much. That was quickly replaced with total joy and happiness. I felt SO blessed. I remember feeling you move for the very first time. I was 11 weeks and I could feel the little bubbly movements and I was so happy I cried. I thought I would never feel that ever again. I thank you for your life and for bringing me joy.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well Spring is coming once more. I can feel it. I can feel you today too. When the house is quiet like today. When I am forced to be still. Then I can hear you. I can feel your little pat on my shoulder to give me comfort. I know you want me to be happy while you wait for me.

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Maybe it is better had I not seen your body. I do not know. Would you have been "less real" to me in a sense. Would I have suffered less? You are and always shall be so real to me, like any living person is. My mother thinks I should not talk about you anymore, or at least not in the sense that you were a person. Why??!! You had a heart beat, a face, a soul!When my brother's wife lost their first baby she kept that baby's us pic in a frame wrapped up in a drawer for like 5 years and she cried and bawled about it. She was very very supportive of me when my baby died but she is harder on me in every way, more so than with my brother. Maybe I am just seeing the side she did not show them and I do not see her grief about my son because she wants to spare me that.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...
  • 2 weeks later...

This morning was another flash back, they are seldom now, but around the time you died they happen now and again. It is just so grizzly to see your frayed umbilical cord. I just wished SO much they had consulted me about what they did with your body.

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Is it too late to find out? Maybe it will bring you peace.

 

I know what they did Sherry, I guess I sounded like I didn't. He was cremated and buried, after the lab tests. I found out 9 months after he was gone. My mother called the hospital for me because I could not face doing it. I just wish they had consulted me, ya know? I would have wanted to bury him with some dignity not in a common grave. I was SO shell shocked after and my husband had just had knee surgery and then I needed surgery. The whole time after his death was a mess. I would not have wanted him cremated. At least he was buried, because he was delivered in a Catholic hospital. I know where he is buried too. I am sad this weekend because he died the 24 weekend and I am not close to him so I can not go to his grave. Maybe my mother will go for me.

 

Thanks so much for keeping up on here with me Sherry, it means a lot.

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Sometimes it is so amazing to think how long it took you to be delivered. It took I guess over 5 hours to deliver a 16 week fetus. You would not think it would take that long. And i SO much different to do it in the ER not in the Delivery Ward. In the ER no one cares. They just leave you alone. They look at you with pity. They really do nothing to help you though. I never really thought about that before and it is shocking to think about. You were born with mom and dad and nana in the room. Then the nurse took your little body away after we saw you.

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