FWB... jealous?

[shoxpt]

Long story short, I like a guy... we sleep together, he's going through a lot (work stuff) and has had bad experiences with girls, he doesn't want a relationship. he was scared that i was mad at him for sleeping together and not wanting to date. I'm cool though. We talk about it. I tell him that i understand that he's having a hard time and that i've been through the EXACT same thing (its really weird, some of the phrases he says i've said in the past like "i'm not this person", "i can't not care", "i don't feel like i'm doing something worthwhile".) I tell him that, while i do have feelings for him, I really just want to be there for him while he's having a hard time. i told him to concentrate on himself and that i'll be there for him as a friend no matter what and while i'm not in a relationship with anyone else, we can "relieve stress" with eachother.

 

next i say that, because i like him, it would be healthy for me to activly date other people so my feelings dont get too strong for him. his reaction was confusing. he kind of stumbled over his words and used hand gestures while saying " well, i can't ask you not to see other people since i'm the one who doesn't want a relationship" then he hugged me really tight. and was kind of awkward for a while.

 

***also, we agreed not to sleep with other people for safety purposes.

 

i dont know what to make of this... opinions please?

[Batya33]

I think he is conflicted because while he doesn't want a serious relationship with you and would like to continue hanging out and having intercourse when you both are in the mood to "relieve stress" as you put it, he also wouldn't mind if you weren't seeing other people - that way he'd have you all to himself and he wouldn't have to worry as much about contracting an STD. He knows that is selfish which is why he wasn't sure what to say. He might also be confused as to why you asked him in the first place since it's clear that you're both permitted to see and sleep with other people.

 

I think it would be healthy for you to date other people and if it progresses to getting sexual, to tell those people that you are having sex with someone else so that they can evaluate whether they want to take the increased risk of STDs and whether they feel comfortable with that situation.

 

I think the healthiest situation would be for you to avoid sleeping with someone who you feel you have to restrain yourself with from developing feelings for - that's a dangerous game you're playing with yourself and if you do get attached you might find yourself resenting him (or even resenting "men") for not wanting to be with you other than sexually.

[Day_Walker]

This can be confusing but just because you are friends with benefits, doesnt mean that he actively wants you to be dating other people. It is a selfish move on his part but he cant have his cake (by not wanting a relationship) and eat it too (not wanting you to date other people.

 

If you are looking at the situation as thinking that this is some manifestation of his feelings, then you are mistaken. This is a manifestation of him not wanting to compete with other guys for you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I tell him that, while i do have feelings for him, I really just want to be there for him while he's having a hard time. i told him to concentrate on himself and that i'll be there for him as a friend no matter what and while i'm not in a relationship with anyone else, we can "relieve stress" with eachother.

 

This is going to lead you to major heartbreak. You will be the person he will run to as a shoulder to cry on and to relieve his sexual needs. Then one day when he feels stronger and doesn't need your support, he will go off and find another woman to be his girlfriend. You are setting yourself up to being really hurt. In addition, you might be ruling out men who would really like you enough to be your boyfriend. Sure you can go out and date...but the minute they find out that you have an FWB, they might not be too thrilled to get involved with you. Don't sell yourself short...you can be this guy's friend without being his sex buddy.

[Taikero]

I think if you're looking to fulfill your desire to be the "loving housewife" as in your previous thread, you should ABSOLUTELY date other people.

 

What you have with this man could turn into something more, but probably won't. Date other people and if he wants to make it more with you, he will. If not, by the time he's ready to move on and date other people, you may have found the man you want to commit to somewhere else.

[uhohlala]

I think the healthiest situation would be for you to avoid sleeping with someone who you feel you have to restrain yourself with from developing feelings for - that's a dangerous game you're playing with yourself and if you do get attached you might find yourself resenting him (or even resenting "men") for not wanting to be with you other than sexually.

 

I agree entirely. Rather than worrying/wondering what he wants (now, in the future), focus exclusively on what you want, whether or not it involves him. It sounds to me like you, quite reasonably, want a real relationship that has the potential to grow, that can be openly acknowledged and is mutually fulfilling. That's not what you have here. You're focusing on the specific person and ignoring the circumstances he imposes on you.

 

Imagine you liked expensive sports cars but of course money is a concern. You need a car to get to work everyday, and say you came accross a used sports car that's the right type, the right price -- even the right color! But its service record is far from stellar, the seller admits that it has some kinks, and the mechanic you brought along to look it over tells you that he thinks it would need a lot of maintenance. Would you buy that car, knowing it's likely to cause a lot of frustration, cost a lot of money to maintain, and that you'll be riding the bus to work on a semi-regular basis because the car will be in the shop? Some people would, feeling that the joy of driving the car when it's running would compensate for any inconveniences, costs, or disappointments. Others would acknowledge that the car has many -- perhaps all! -- of the qualities that they'd love to have in a car, but that the circumstances of that particular car make it a bad bet.

[shoxpt]

I think if you're looking to fulfill your desire to be the "loving housewife" as in your previous thread, you should ABSOLUTELY date other people.

 

What you have with this man could turn into something more, but probably won't. Date other people and if he wants to make it more with you, he will. If not, by the time he's ready to move on and date other people, you may have found the man you want to commit to somewhere else.

 

i agree... it probably will not be more than a friendship, its not his idea that we continue to sleep together, he things i will get hurt and he's afraid i'll be mad at him when i "realize" that he really doesn't want a relationship. but at the same time we both still have needs. i feel that FWB is good for me because can objectivly date other people if i'm not blinded by lust and its good for him because sex relieves stress.

 

at the same time, i want to make sure i dont hurt him. he's going through a lot. we talk a lot about how he feels he cant do "it" (relationships) any more. how no matter what he tried and no matter how much he gave... it always ended badly. i guess i'm MOST concerned that i'm going to perpetuate his distrust in women. i'm afraid that even though we aren't dating (and i'm not sitting around waiting for him)... he will feel betrayed when I do find someone worth dating and the sexual part of our friendship stops. Do ya'll think this is a posibility?

[Taikero]

he will feel betrayed when I do find someone worth dating and the sexual part of our friendship stops. Do ya'll think this is a posibility?

 

I think it's possible for either of you to be hurt here. It's just a matter of who moves past what you two have now first.

[Dako]

I think the healthiest situation would be for you to avoid sleeping with someone who you feel you have to restrain yourself with from developing feelings for - that's a dangerous game you're playing with yourself and if you do get attached you might find yourself resenting him (or even resenting "men") for not wanting to be with you other than sexually.

 

I agree.

Almost all the serious posts on this site are about emotional turmoil, not sex.

Pretending to be just friends isn't going to protect you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

but at the same time we both still have needs. i feel that FWB is good for me because can objectivly date other people if i'm not blinded by lust and its good for him because sex relieves stress.

 

First of all, he can just as easily relieve stress by masturbating. Second of all, if you are driven simply by your sexual needs then if you meet some hot guy and go out on a date with him then you could very well end up having sex with him regardless of getting sex from your FWB. Plenty of people have had FWBs and then get "caught up in the moment" and have sex with a date. What you are planning to do can very likely backfire on you big time.

[pl3asehelp]

...you can be this guy's friend without being his sex buddy.

 

If I were the next guy to date you, I wouldn't be comfortable with you continuing to be friends with a guy who you have this kind of a history with.

[shoxpt]

I agree.

Almost all the serious posts on this site are about emotional turmoil, not sex.

Pretending to be just friends isn't going to protect you.

 

you are right... there's a lot of emotional turmoil... that i'm creating for myself. this guy really is a friend and i know that continuing the friendship would be easier if we hadn't slept together. because when we did that...my feelings for him went from a small crush to, well... i dont know, but it's really confusing. at the same time... these feelings wont stop if i just stop sleeping with him. I'd pretty much have to stop seeing him all together to make this crush go away. But, i do like him as a friend... and i'm not willing to abandon him when he's having a hard time. and like i said earlier, i'm also concerned about how this will affect his view of women when i do move on since he has serious trust issues with women.

 

everyone is right, i SHOULD stop sleeping with him. should is a hard word....

[shoxpt]

If I were the next guy to date you, I wouldn't be comfortable with you continuing to be friends with a guy who you have this kind of a history with.

 

lol, many of my friends are past female lovers....In the Lez world pretty much all your friends are ex GFs. I guess i forgot how guys can be distrusting of other guys who slept with their girl, lol.

 

look everyone... i'm just starting to date guys again. things are MUCH different when you date girls. FWB is a really sweet thing that you share with a good friend when its with a girl... but i'm finding it A LOT different with guys. i dont like this US vs THEM / guys vs girls vibe i get. with girls there's alot of game playing... but u know the games their playing because u think like them. and ALL girls want relationships... so its really easy to find someone (although it may not last long cause they are in a relationships for the sake of being in a relationship... but i get that... because i'm a girl and i think like that too) with guys... i dont even know.

[Batya33]

It sounds like your real difficulty is the amount of generalizing you do about how "guys" and "girls" are and behave in relationships and when they decide to be sex buddies (which I don't view as a relationship in the same way because it's limited to sex). Most healthy relationships I know require far more of a mindset of treating people as individuals than you seem to do.

 

I will say it might be that heterosexual sex buddies have more of a risk of STDs than where both people are women so that might affect behavior and attitudes.

[pl3asehelp]

FWB is a really sweet thing that you share with a good friend when its with a girl...

 

Or FWB is promiscuous behavior regardless of whether you're sleeping with women or men. Just another point of view. When the two of you stop what you're doing, he could be hurt and left with a more jaded view of relationships and women and a diminished self image that will not help him in the future. He is putting himself in this position I think without really realizing what's best for himself. If all he needs is release, he's got a hand.

 

I guess i forgot how guys can be distrusting of other guys who slept with their girl, lol.

Or, some may just feel that continuing to have a close relationship with someone you used to have casual sex with regularly isn't something that's appropriate to continue when you're in a committed long term relationship with a partner. I wonder how often this really becomes an issue - I'm guessing that once the Benefits stop, the the Friends part begins to wither on the vine and you eventually drift apart.

[nightlady]

If you do meet someone...what happens when they find out you been screwing around with somoene else? No guys wants to be in competition whether you are emotionally or just phyically involved with someone else.