The end of NC is approaching. Could use advice.

[hedpe70]

Hey everyone. I posted my situation a few weeks ago.

 

To summarize, my wife and I have been married less than a year. We're both in school in different cities and we had been able to make it work really well until about a month ago. A few days after I spoke with her about her becoming distant from me, she sent me an e-mail to let me know she wanted space until the end of the semester because of the immense stress she's been under.

 

Basically, I went NC immediately after telling her that I support her decision for space. The only exception was sending her some flowers almost two weeks ago to wish her good luck on her finals. A day after she received the flowers, I got the following e-mail: "Thanks for the flowers. They're really nice. I am finished with finals May 7 in the afternoon and I will call you then so we can talk. Hope you're doing alright."

 

I honestly wasn't even expecting a response. Here's the deal. I know she's been super stressed finishing up her first year of law school. That's the reason she gave for being distant and wanting space. I had become a stresser instead of a stress-reliever with my insecurities. I've completely faced the possibility that these could just be excuses from her to hide a much bigger problem on her end. I accept that and, emotionally, I know I can handle it if that's the case.

 

Anyway, I am fastly approaching the day when she is going to call me and I'm wondering how I should handle this. The conversation topic is obviously going to get to the relationship at some point. Now, since NC I've been able to peg down a lot of areas where I've needed to make some adjustments. I've gotten a lot of help and just recently, I feel like I can let go and I've come to the understanding that, no matter what happens, life goes on. At the same time, I want to fight for my marriage because I truly love her unconditionally. We've never had a single problem before this. We never argued and rarely disagreed. We had a really strong relationship. I'm willing to reconcile, forgive her and move past this toward a stronger relationship and marriage because our physical distance was an outside factor that obviously affected our relationship.

 

Thing is, I can't get a good read on the situation because we haven't spoken. I don't know what she's thinking or how she's feeling, but I'm about to find out in about a week and a half. My strategy for the conversation is to keep it very light for a while and show her the new-found confidence I have in myself. I really have a ton of great things going for me right now. I'm about to graduate with my masters degree and I've got several incredible job opportunities in the near future. But when we get to talking about the relationship, I'm a little afraid of what I might hear. I think it's best for me to start out by apologizing for asking too much from her during a stressful time because that's the one thing I haven't had the opportunity to do. From there, I think I'm just going to listen to her and hear her out, and then go from there.

 

I'm super nervous about it, but at the same time, it's either going to be a relief in hearing she wants to reconcile or a chance for closure if she's not willing to make our marriage work.

 

Do any of you have any tips for me as far as how to handle this situation? I thank you for help in advance.

[DN]

I don't understand why she essentaily bailed on a marriage that was less than a year old without attempting to fix it. Her excuse sounds bogus to me - why did she marry you in the first place?

[hedpe70]

Well, it hasn't yet been determined that she's bailing without trying to fix it, although that's the feeling I've gotten from our limited correspondence. When we got married, we were very much in love. Even all the way until she pulled the "space" excuse, we were a very loving couple. When we decided that it was best for me to pursue a higher degree in order to improve our situation, we decided that it was the best move for us. It's a 10-month program and I'll be back home at the end of June to start my new career and be able to provide for her while she continues school. We knew the distance would be difficult, but we completely were in agreement that we could make it work. And we were, until about a month ago. From what I've heard, she has been really stressed out and actually had a bit of a breakdown a few days ago. I hate hearing that because I want to help so bad, but I feel like my stepping back and staying away is more helpful if she's truly upset at me for only helping her get more stressed out before. Like I said, we got married because we were (and still are, at least on this end) completely committed to each other.

 

She doesn't handle stress very well at all. She never has. She tends to shut down emotionally when she feels too much pressure regardless of where it's coming from. But believe me, our reasons for getting married are justified. Like I said, this is the first and only problem we've had in our relationship.

[Carry On]

Your plan sounds good to me, I'm not sure I can think of any other advice to offer. I'm in something of an analogous situation (not married but in a LTR) and my gf is in a similar situation as your wife (lot of stressors, long distance not helping us). So, I will be cheering for you

[hedpe70]

Thanks, Carry On! I appreciate the vote of confidence. I'm rooting for you as well!