Best way to talk about your relationship.

[lana111]

What do you think is the best way to talk about your relationship status, or lack thereof, with someome.

 

Please take into consideration that for this question...

1) the two people are very rational and easy going

2) No one will be heart broken

3) It is not clear to either party what they are (as in, its not like the two people have been inseperable or on the other hand are clearly not dating).

4) Neither party wants the other to think that it has to be a serious committed relationship (dont want to scare off one or the other).

 

Im having a discussion with a friend about this...

 

So what is your take? Whats the best way to bring it up? Can you do it via text? Does it have to be in person? Is a straight up question best? Is it better to throw out hints? Do tell

[pumpkinmoon]

How old is the relationship?

[abitbroken]

What do you think is the best way to talk about your relationship status, or lack thereof, with someome.

 

Please take into consideration that for this question...

1) the two people are very rational and easy going

2) No one will be heart broken

3) It is not clear to either party what they are (as in, its not like the two people have been inseperable or on the other hand are clearly not dating).

4) Neither party wants the other to think that it has to be a serious committed relationship (dont want to scare off one or the other).

 

Im having a discussion with a friend about this...

 

So what is your take? Whats the best way to bring it up? Can you do it via text? Does it have to be in person? Is a straight up question best? Is it better to throw out hints? Do tell

 

NEVER talk about stuff like that via text. That is a recipe for disaster. Also, if someone has been going out for a few weeks it is not appropriate.

 

If you don't want someone to think you want a serious relationship, then why have a "talk?" Unless one is afraid the other one feels way more than they do. If the relationship right now is free and easy, open ended and without commitment and the person doesn't want the other person to feel its any more than that, why bring it up...if its nothing more than that? What would hurt is if the person didn't want any commitment and the other person does. I had someone said "you don't want to get married, do you?" in the same tone as "you honestly can't be serious that you like to eat chocolate covered ants, can you?" Of course, I was crushed, but I shook my head "no, of course not". I am not saying that relationship is at that stage but you know what I mean...

 

The best way to bring it up if one must is in a light hearted joking way "hey, if we keep this up, people will think we're going steady." or i would have to think of something else silly and lighthearted to test the waters.

 

if they have been going out a year and no one knows what's going on, that's a different matter.

[lana111]

How old is the relationship?

 

saaay 2 months.

[lana111]

abit broken: lets say the discussion is not to be serious, but more along the lines to see if you are dating (with a possibility of a serious thing) or just enjoying each others company for what its worth.

[pumpkinmoon]

saaay 2 months.

 

In that case, are either of you seeing other people and how much time do you spend together?

 

Sometimes things just progress on their own to something more serious without the need of a discussion.

 

How does he refer to you to others?

[lana111]

that right there is the point of this thread

 

no one knows the answer to what you just asked.

 

except for the time spent together thing. that is 1 or 2 times a week.

[pumpkinmoon]

So you mean you don't know if he is seeing others?

 

1-2 times a week seems normal for a relationship at this stage. I have to ask, what is the nature of the time spend together? Do you do coupley things or is it a lot to do with sex?

[lana111]

correct. neither party knows if the other is seeing other people. it has not been discussed.

 

sex often. they do go out to dinner/events and such also.

[pumpkinmoon]

Right... This is a tricky one for me to answer because I have never had to ask this sort of thing. I think I would just have to come out and ask whether he sees it as a casual thing or not.

[Batya33]

Honestly, the best way it has worked for me is, on the first date, or before (if it is a set up or through on line) to talk generally about goals -career, family, relationships, etc. I think you learn a lot that way about the person's intentions. As far as specific intentions - definitely before sex is involved (again this is just my opinion) and at least for me it worked out better if the man brought it up (which he usually did within the first month of dating). The few times I brought it up it was because, as it turned out, he didn't want a serious relationship with me.

 

If two months had gone by with no "talk" I would definitely have the talk in person and keep it simple "what are we?" or "what are your intentions towards me?" Sure, that's vague, but if he is on the wavelength of wanting a serious relationship he will understand what you mean and be grateful that you opened the door.

 

That's only if he's been reluctant to bring it up because somehow he thinks you are not interested in him - my best guess is that if he hasn't brought it up yet and is comfortable having sex with you and hanging out, it's because he's happy to continue that way with no intentions of a committed relationship. Nothing wrong with that if that works for you.

[sophie274]

I think if you want to clarify - and it sounds to me like that's really what you want, not that you are secretly hoping he is very serious about you, just that you want to be clear - it's better to be direct and not beat about the bush. Text messages and hints will only get you confused, in my opinion.

 

I'd honestly go for a straight up "what are we? are we X, Y or Z? I'm not really sure". It's possible that he'll interpret that as you pressing him for exclusivity, but hopefully you'll be able to express that you just want to know where you stand.

[Batya33]

I think if you want to clarify - and it sounds to me like that's really what you want, not that you are secretly hoping he is very serious about you, just that you want to be clear - it's better to be direct and not beat about the bush. Text messages and hints will only get you confused, in my opinion.

 

I'd honestly go for a straight up "what are we? are we X, Y or Z? I'm not really sure". It's possible that he'll interpret that as you pressing him for exclusivity, but hopefully you'll be able to express that you just want to know where you stand.

 

I would not bother with the conversation at all unless it's to know whether you two are ok with seeing other people (which I would assume you are unless you agree otherwise, but since you're having sex, you might ask in order to assess your STD risk), or to know whether he sees long term potential. Otherwise just take it at face value - you two are hanging out and having sex when you feel like having sex and that will continue until one or both of you doesn't feel like hanging out and having sex. You'll know he wants to stop when he stops asking you to hang out or stops wanting to have sex with you.

If this is about your ego mostly where you want to know if he has feelings towards you even though, even if he does, you don't plan to pursue something more serious, then be honest about that too "I don't see us as getting serious but I do want to know how you feel about me" but be ready for him to be annoyed if this is just about your ego as opposed to "I'm not comfortable having sex with someone without a strong emotional bond" or similar. I wouldn't play the game of "how do you feel about me -- oh, you have serious feelings? That's great but, um, I'm not sure what I want".

[lana111]

I think if you want to clarify - and it sounds to me like that's really what you want, not that you are secretly hoping he is very serious about you, just that you want to be clear - it's better to be direct and not beat about the bush. Text messages and hints will only get you confused, in my opinion.

 

I'd honestly go for a straight up "what are we? are we X, Y or Z? I'm not really sure". It's possible that he'll interpret that as you pressing him for exclusivity, but hopefully you'll be able to express that you just want to know where you stand.

 

very correct. there do not seem to be any hopes or wants on either side to be exclusive or serious, at least at this moment. however i think both parties are a bit confused as to what "they" are or where "they" might lead...

 

and thank you for your recommendation.

[lana111]

So we have some votes for straight up, some votes for dont bring it up at all, and some for bring it up light heartedly... back at square one hahahaha.

[sophie274]

I see what you mean - and I do want to think that if he wanted something more he would have brought it up, but part of me still believes that there are possible reasons why the man wouldn't bring it up - shyness, or if he is convinced she doesn't want anything more. I also think that if the two are really that easygoing, having the conversation won't ruin anything or be particularly awkward, so it's not a huge deal to have it even if it turns out to have been unnecessary.

[Batya33]

I see what you mean - and I do want to think that if he wanted something more he would have brought it up, but part of me still believes that there are possible reasons why the man wouldn't bring it up - shyness, or if he is convinced she doesn't want anything more. I also think that if the two are really that easygoing, having the conversation won't ruin anything or be particularly awkward, so it's not a huge deal to have it even if it turns out to have been unnecessary.

 

I agree - if her goal is to find out if he has serious intentions towards her if that is what she wants. If all she wants is ego gratification, I don't agree.

 

I think it's very rare for a guy who is comfortable hanging out for months with a woman and having sex with her to be "too shy" to ask her where it's going - or to choose not to overcome his shyness for the benefit of not having her snapped up by someone else Most people I know who have strong feelings for someone or see long term potential would rather sweat out the awkward conversation rather than wonder whether the person is out there meeting other people or potentially having sex with other people.

[lana111]

there is no desire for an ego boost on the either side.

 

but why cant there be an in between... not trying to be FWB... not trying to get too serious...

 

this is why the question bw my friend and i came up. you dont want to go on just giving out the vibe that this is just a fun thing, but you also dont want to make in seem like youre trying to get serious too soon.

[Batya33]

very correct. there do not seem to be any hopes or wants on either side to be exclusive or serious, at least at this moment. however i think both parties are a bit confused as to what "they" are or where "they" might lead...

 

and thank you for your recommendation.

 

If that is true then why do you care and what do you plan to do with the information? Does it have to do with wanting to know your risk of STDs since right now you each are free to have intercourse with other people?

[lana111]

If that is true then why do you care and what do you plan to do with the information? Does it have to do with wanting to know your risk of STDs since right now you each are free to have intercourse with other people?

 

 

they both already have every std in the book so its a moot point. seriously though, lets focus on the question at hand. i think all everyone needs to know regarding sex for this question is that they are active.

 

and they want to know just to know. it will help them make minor life decisions.

[Batya33]

they both already have every std in the book so its a moot point. seriously though, lets focus on the question at hand. i think all everyone needs to know regarding sex for this question is that they are active.

 

and they want to know just to know. it will help them make minor life decisions.

 

Oh I think I am focusing perfectly well - you on the other hand might not be focusing enough on the need to be totally honest with yourself about your motivations.

 

If all it would do would be to help "make minor life decisions" that don't have to do with physical health then I wouldn't have this potentially major conversation -- why ruin what seems to be a good thing - two people who enjoy casual sex with each other and enjoy hanging out with each other.

[lana111]

this is not about me, so i cant tell you for sure what the motivation would be but i am assuming, from what ive been told and heard.

 

thank you for your opinion.