Seperated after 14 years

[CJack]

My wife and i have been separated for about 6-7 weeks now, This was her decision. As of yesterday she says she is going to file for legal separation. and to top it off, Our friend who i thought was helping us try to fix things is actually trying to steal her away, and he is 13 years older than her and has had 3 failed marriages himself. The sad part is she continues to say that he is just a close friend, nothing more. I know what his game plan is... I have poured my heart out to her asking for us to try and fix this, but she can only say "I truly believe that you are not going to change and we will be in the same boat in 6 months, and i'm not to go through this again" I have asked to seek counseling, she has agreed, but only to get help with how to deal with divorce and our 4yr old daughter, not to help fix us.

 

The reason for the break up.....I failed to keep the passion alive, i became complacent, comfortable, knowing she would never leave. Not once in all of our 14 year marriage was i ever unfaithful. I was told for many years, DIVORCE is not an option, we can work through anything!! Well, i guess i was wrong. The more I talk to her the more mad i get , just because she doesn't see she is throwing away a 14 year marriage. What am i supposed to do? I love her with all my heart and would do anything to keep us together...And she continues to tell me " I love more than anyone, and will never love someone the way i love you"

[MinziGirl]

"I truly believe that you are not going to change and we will be in the same boat in 6 months, and i'm not to go through this again" I have asked to seek counseling, she has agreed, but only to get help with how to deal with divorce and our 4yr old daughter, not to help fix us.

 

(...) And she continues to tell me " I love more than anyone, and will never love someone the way i love you"

 

Hmmm... seems like she is contraditing herself. If she loves you, then why is she leaving you then?

 

Forget about the other man for a while... She said that you are not going to change... going to change what? Have she been very specific in what she wants you to change? Have you been paying attention?

 

If she wants the seperation & the divorce so much, i am afraid that there is nothing one can do to change her mind. It is very painful & it is very sad, but it is her choice. So is the ways of relationships now in the modern world.

[Is]

I believe no one would throw away 14 years of their lives and a daughter for just a simple problem. Your wife probably been unfaithful to you. She does not want to fix things at all is a sign she has already moved on to someone or something else.

 

I don't see any reason in your ex wife. Why would she leave 14 years of commitment over a small problem UNLESS something else is influencing her.

 

Any Ideas What I Mean?

[Saffron_]

Our friend who i thought was helping us try to fix things is actually trying to steal her away, and he is 13 years older than her and has had 3 failed marriages himself. The sad part is she continues to say that he is just a close friend, nothing more. I know what his game plan is...

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. What I will say is that if she is interested in the other guy, there's nothing you can do or say to stop them getting together. As hard as it is to hear, any effort by you to stop him stealing her will only reinforce their feelings for each other (if they're reciprocal that is). I personally don't buy the whole close friend thing. Yeah it starts that way but when someone suspects somethings up, they're usually right. The good news is that these kind of relationships usually (not in every case but a lot) don't last longer very long. Sometimes only a matter of months. Once they realise they don't need to fight to be together and nothing's in their way, they often get together....then reality sets in. I'd stop trying to do whatever you can to try and keep the two of you together because once someone's made up their mind, they really dig their heels in and any hint of pressure from you will send her in the opposite direction. Let her know that you want the marriage to work and will do what it takes but if she doesn't want it, you'll accept her decision to leave and leave her alone. Obviously with some contact concerning your child.

[DN]

It takes two to keep the passion alive - why was it all supposed to be on you?

[doyathink]

Some times love isn't enough. If everything else in the relationship turns sour, then staying in it becomes a personal hell. You can love someone whole heartedly, but that doesn't mean you can live with them.

 

Why is it ppl wake up when the ride has finally came to an end? I'm sure there were warning signs LONG before she finally left. No one can change their partner, so if you cant deal with the person they are, or have become.....then leaving is the only option. You have to change because you want to. Its sad really.....you see this kind of post here daily. If only ppl would see the decline of their relationship, and decide to do something about it b4 it was too late...then the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

 

Good luck to you. Hopefully she gives it another shot, and the both of you change the broken pieces once and for all.

[lostandhurt]

Welcome to ENA,

DYT is right that this kind of theme is seen here very often.

If she is walking away because she is in some sort of fantasy with someone else or simply fed up makes all the difference in the world here.

If she is a "Walk Away Wife" there is little you can do as she has decided you are the reason she is unhappy and getting away from you is the answer to her unhappiness. It doesn't matter if it is true or not. You will find that she will rewrite much of your marriage to justify walking away and you will be the bad guy in the new rewritten story. Walk Away's can sometimes have help taking the big step and leaving. This "friend" is probably helping her in that regard and I am sure it isn't for pure reasons.

 

If she is just fed up and sick of you not putting any effort in then you actually may have some hope. Do not beg, make promises, buy her gifts or try to get your friends and family to change her mind. This will only make things worse. Go to link removed and read and read some more. You need to do a 180 and change to the man you should have been and really want to be. If you are not willing and don't want to be that kind of man then just stay the way you are and live your life. This change needs to be seen by her not told to her! This is very important. Make that appointment to see a counselar just for yourself and be brutally honest with them. You will need to have some help no matter what happens as your life is about to be a lot different. Make all these changes for yourself only! Do not try to impress her with the new you. To her it is just a ploy to win her back so you can plop back down on the couch and watch tv in 3 months. Eat right, work out, do the things you used to do when you first met like hobbies, sports and friends. Most of all you need to educate yourself on what it is to be in a happy and respectful marriage.

Make these changes for you and maybe, just maybe she will notice. She must believe the changes are real and most of all they must be real.

 

Think about what I have written here and PM me anytime you wish.

 

best wishes and hugs to your little one as her world begins to fall apart

 

Lost

[Baily]

Look at your phone records and you'll see what interactions she's had with him and for how long. unfortunately ur probably going to find hundreds of texts and many many long conversations.

The other tip of her hand is her spending and computer usage.

 

Check ur computer history in Internet explorer.

 

They won't last once the intregue is done...

[jasper01]

"I truly believe that you are not going to change"

 

Yup, seems this is her reason. She lost all hope of being happy with you. Why was that, and why didn't you know about it?

As lostandhurt says, you could begin by working on yourself, and show her otherwise. Which isn't to say your partner isn't equally part of the problem. Just that, you choose what you do about it. Because somewhere down the road, she's probably going to realize that her new partner isn't going to make her happy either and blame him too. So part of this might be, after you get yourself grounded again and learn to do better with her, skillfully helping her unlearn that idea that it's my partner that makes me happy.

[AutumnBorn]

What Jasper said.

 

Go here. link removed Start reading at "What To Do When He/She Leaves" about midway down the page.

[MinziGirl]

I believe no one would throw away 14 years of their lives and a daughter for just a simple problem. Your wife probably been unfaithful to you. She does not want to fix things at all is a sign she has already moved on to someone or something else.

 

I don't see any reason in your ex wife. Why would she leave 14 years of commitment over a small problem UNLESS something else is influencing her.

 

Any Ideas What I Mean?

 

Are you suggesting cheating?

 

You see, i believe that no one starts a relationship with the intention to cheat a partner if (s)he truly loves him. Something has to happen along the way to for one of them to come to that point. My question was: Before she even began to start cheating, she might have given the signal of some sign/signal/intention to 'talk' to him. I was asking as to did he pay attention to those signals?