The single life

[findingbeauty]

Is it possible to find deep connection, belonging, and emotional fulfillment as a single person? What can you do to meet the needs that a relationship brings as a single person? (I don't have parents or siblings, and close friends are raising families now).

 

I'm still in a relationship, but am questioning the future of it. As a single person, I tend to feel more vulnerable to the stresses of life, lack comfort I attain from snuggling with a partner, and feel less validated among my peers.

 

Is it possible to achieve satisfaction in these areas as a single person at age 30 and above? I honestly don't know if I can find a healthy, compatible partner in my age group and with my particular set of personal issues. I'd like to believe that I could live happily to death as a single person should find incompatible relationships no longer tolerable.

 

Not to discriminate, but I'd prefer to hear from those 30 and over. Things change socially with age. People have spouses and children and it seems to be the expected social norm in the progression of life.

 

Thanks.

[Fudgie]

I've learned a lot about being single...in a relationship sense and in a social sense...at college. I am with a boyfriend now (he's much older, lives back near home, etc) and while I do love him, in many ways, I'm still single while I'm at college. I am very solitary.

 

I think it's all about making peace with yourself, and who you are. Many times, people cling to other people to feel better about themselves, or to avoid facing issues that they may think about when they are alone. People are distractions. Do you wonder why so many people dislike being COMPLETELY alone and contemplative? It's because it brings up uncomfortable thoughts and issues we must deal with internally. I go to a meditation group 2x a week and most people who come have a bad experience and don't stay.

 

I suggest you start spending time with yourself and coming to peace with things. Get to know yourself, inside and out. I have found that I can comfort myself a lot better than others can. Why? Because I know myself well. You come to know your inner feelings, your tendencies, your inclinations...

Once you feel comfortable with all that, you will feel so much better, and less reliable on others. You can enjoy other people without really NEEDING them to be around, and that's a great feeling.

 

Good luck.

 

Oh dear, I'm sorry, I just read the "only 30 and up" bit on your post. Terribly sorry. Carry on.

[findingbeauty]

haha, it's okay. I actually do spend a lot of time alone for the sake of contemplation, meditation and yoga. I love it and love my inner life. In my 20s I never had issue with being single. It is definitely harder [for me] to find as much opportunity for connection and friendship as I've moved into my 20s. The social implications of singlehood are different as you age, at least that has been my experience. Good for you for developing a meditation practice early on. It is definitely one of life's most valuable tools.

[Fudgie]

I'm definitely sure that things change as you age...I wish I could be more of a help but I suppose I'm just not there yet!

 

Best of luck to you though I hope you find fulfillment.

[waveseer]

While I don't cuddle with them, my friends fulfill most of my social needs. I do cuddle with my dog, but I know it's not the same. She has dog breath and she sheds on me.

[findingbeauty]

hahaha good point. But in general, friends for social fulfillment, pet for snuggle needs. Waveseer, have you found new valuable and close friendship in older years, or are your friends a continuation from HS, College or other?

 

Have you ever started over (in the friend department) from scratch?

[eYah]

Hey,

 

Starting over with all new friends isn't what you would expect. I moved to a city where I knew no one and developed new friendships from scratch.

 

Most people as you age are not so susceptible to developing new friendships. While I have made new friends it seems they do not open up as much as friends you have had from a younger age.

 

I have developed friends of all types for all purposes in my life now but it seems that developing the deeper true friendships is not so easy. I do not have a friend in my new city that is some what of a jack of all trades. They each open up to me slightly in different areas but none of them open up fully.

 

It is not satisfying and I feel very much alone still. All I have to grasp on to is the fact that I truly believe they are benefiting from knowing me.

[Hermes]

FindingBeauty:

 

IMO old friends are best friends. My two or three best friends are those I have known practically since school days.

 

I did not marry until into my 30s, and I hugely enjoyed my single days. Indeed the family were coming to terms with the fact I might never marry LOL. My mother used to sigh: "She's too choosy". LOL.

 

Hand on heart I can say I was never lonely when single. I was awfully busy, socialised quite a lot, had friends both male and female, had married friends, it all just seemed so, well, normal.

 

Hermes

[waveseer]

hahaha good point. But in general, friends for social fulfillment, pet for snuggle needs. Waveseer, have you found new valuable and close friendship in older years, or are your friends a continuation from HS, College or other?

 

Have you ever started over (in the friend department) from scratch?

 

Yes, I've started over. The best friends I have in the world I made within the last 5 years or so. I meet them (all women) taking classes or playing sports.

[Batya33]

I am 43, got married when I was 42, was in a serious relationship with my husband starting when I was 38. I knew I could not find fulfillment without getting married to someone I loved and who was a good match for me and without having or adopting a child (or at least trying to have/adopt a child with a spouse). I knew that from the time I was a teenager and that never really changed. But, I know several women in their 30s and 40s who are happily single and others who are fine with being single. I found it much easier to meet quality men in my mid-late 30s because I was more confident and had better hair products (seriously, the better hair products which turned my hair from frizzy to sleek/straight did more than one would think as far as attracting men!). I also felt fulfilled in my career and academically, as well as stable financially so all of that helped.

[findingbeauty]

Thank you for the words of hope, Batya33 and Waveseer...and Hermes! Maybe it's my attitude. Possibly it's California culture. Most are friendly on the surface but difficult to get close to.

[findingbeauty]

Since you're so good at making friends, maybe it only needs a little more time before you find a "jack-of-all-trades" friend, or one who becomes one. I sometimes make "activity friends" (I'll call them), but when it doesn't turn into more, it usually winds up dissolving, I think because I only have the emotional capacity or energy for one or two friends, and I need more substance than that. I like having one or two very close friends and then I don't mind a few casual friends here and there. Anyway, I hope the best for us! lol