Starting to think this is the end of the line

[soursobgirl]

My boyfriend who is 32 this year and I am 27. We have been together officially since September 2008. I have met his whole family - he has met mine. We have been on a overseas trip together. Throughout this time we have had a wave of problems. From his widow mother who cannot let go and gives him major guilt trips to my families divorce and my suicidal mother.

We are both in therapy, me because I was abused as a child and have gone through periods of depression and my boyfriend who cannot handle the death of his father 7 years ago. I still have waves of depression and he is consitantly telling me why I am so upset with my life. I live with my grandpa who is 81 and my aunty who is 47 and I am not allowed to have friends over or even my boyfriend. All my friends have abandon me either because my boyfriend has scared them off with his erratic social behavior, he has social dysfunction. So alot of the time its either me at his house or us spending money out.

He doesnt want to move out any time soon - we have plans to move to London together at the end of the year as both of us have European Passports. He said that there is no point moving in together for 7 months and it's a waste of money as we would have to find something with a short lease.

He also said that he doesnt want to get married any time soon. This concerns me. I know we have had alot of problems but I thought someone who is 31 would want to settle down sometime and have a family. I think that also if he committed and wanted to move i with me it would solve my problem of being depressed at home ( not having to have people over, not much freedom etc)

He said he wants to be with someone 4-5 years before he commits to ever after. I just worry sometimes that he is biding his time with me. I dont feel good enough for his family and he gets angry when I say that. Deep down I know his mother would have wanted him to settle down with someone who had money like his ex gf did but my family does not have much to offer.

 

I am thinking maybe its time to end it. It seems that I a clutching at straws here. It always feels like his family is more important than mine. I think that if I saw my gf living in a crappy family situation I would want to rescue her from it not ask her all the time why she hates her life.

 

Let me also let you know that my boyfriends mother has said I am not allowed to stay over, nor be alone in his room. When I go over its 3 of us on the couch watching tv. She chooses what to watch and we sit there til about 10.30pm when she goes to bed. We also dont have a sex life. He has erectile dysfunction and so that eliminates any chance of a quickie as he has to take medication etc.

 

The more I think about it the more I think I should move on.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[dan92]

It sounds like you guys are in a situation of a 15-16 year old?

[soursobgirl]

Pretty much. Financially I cant move out. I have a 9 grand debt to pay off.

So thats why I live where I do. My dad has no room for me and my mother lives with her mother. So we are in a bit of a mess at the moment.

[HeartGoesOn]

This doesn't seem like it's going anywhere, and with him not wanting to move out, I'm afraid there's little you can do. If you waited another 4-5 yrs, you'd be rolling the dice, and probably would be in the same shoes that you're in right now.

 

I would give this some serious thought, and realize that you have to do what's best for yourself.

[soursobgirl]

Heartgoeson - do you think its the consistant fighting that has made him think otherwise. Or do you think the guilt trips of his mother and potentially leaving her alone has scared him.

[HeartGoesOn]

Heartgoeson - do you think its the consistant fighting that has made him think otherwise. Or do you think the guilt trips of his mother and potentially leaving her alone has scared him.

 

 

I really can't answer that, but the main point is that he's putting your life on hold, and he's not making you his top priority. You deserve much better...

[offplanet]

You wouldn't want to waster 4 or 5 years with him only to find out he doesn't want to commit, in which case you'd be past the prime time for childbearing. It'd be best to leave now, and give yourself time to get established with a new person in time to start a family, if that's what you want. He also doesn't seem extremely interested in committing, but might not feel able to tell you that, and is making excuses. I have the feeling he will greatly disappoint you if you keep on with him.

[soursobgirl]

That is what I am afraid of. He puts everything on hold just until HE is comfortable. He doesn't consider any of my feelings. Its weird he says to me there is no reason for him to move out sooner. He is content at home and is keeping his mum company. She often uses the guilt trip " I am not keeping you here " but yeh mopes around the house and complains she is lonely etc. Thing is - I always hear that parents are like " your 32 years old - shouldnt you think about getting married etc ". His mum isnt like that at ALL. She said that when we get married she would want to see her son 2-3 times a week and she wouldnt be happy with just once a week. This angers me. Once again I feel like she is taking supremacy. Thing is this is HIS fault. He could tell his mother to pi$$ off and move out.

The other night at dinner he said to me that he is not 100% happy and he doesn't want to be with a negative person his whole life.

Thing is honestly what do I have to be happy about. I live with my grandpa and have 0 privacy and my 47 year old aunty who has NO CONCEPT about life. I could move out but I cant afford it. The ironic thing is my dad has a new house and he didn't ask me to move in with him, he built a house with only 2 bedrooms and a study and my sister doesnt want to live with me. So I am trapped.

I feel so frustrated right now. I feel like I have to stay in my situation til he is ready for something further.

Thing is with London also his mum got a European passport also so she could come and "stay" with us. He said to me there is NO WAY his mother is coming to stay past 2 weeks and she has another thing coming if she thinks she is going to live with us.

 

I just want to stop complaining. I just want to be happy in life.

[abitbroken]

I have read threads about this relationship before. Yes, he should wait until he feels comfortable to act on things, as should you. I really feel that moving to London will solve nothing. It is like a romantic fantasy to run away with someone. It will do you a world of good if you get yourself on your feet, move out from where your grandfather and aunt live unless you are a caregiver to one of them and get on your own two feet - manage an apartment for yourself, get comfortable with being physically alone in a room, form some friendships etc. It seems that if not you are just running from one problem to another. DO NOT under any circumstances let him move in with you.

 

As far as not affording it? What do you need to afford it? There are listings in the paper for rooms for rent. It might be the ideal situation. I rented out a room from someone whose kids were all grown and moved out and they had a big empty house and me and another gal each rented a room. It wasn't that expensive. Then you can move up to getting a studio apartment or an apartment with a roommate when you save up. It sounds like even taking on a part time job would be worth it for the extra money to achieve this goal. Privacy is worth it.

 

If being perfectly honest, I really feel that you should take a break from or end this relationship and take the time to get yourself strong and on your own two feet as a young woman. Do not care who that offends. You will be better for it, and will eventually attract a man to you that is more whole, too.

 

Don't worry about your dad - at 27 years old he has a reasonable assumption to assume you are an adult. He is no longer responsible for you nor is he responsible for having a room there that's yours.

[abitbroken]

I have a feeling you won't have a say once you are over there if you don't have the means to support yourself/be in London in your own right with a job, etc. Mom will be visiting as often as her passport allows, and don't put it past her to move. Moving will only keep her at bay temporarily. Mark my words. I had an ex mother in law that did stuff like that. The only way to happiness is beign happy with yourself. Don't put up with this. I moved clear on the other side of the country and it didn't hamper the reach of a strange mother/son relationship...oh, and then she moved!

[soursobgirl]

I have a feeling you won't have a say once you are over there if you don't have the means to support yourself/be in London in your own right with a job, etc. Mom will be visiting as often as her passport allows, and don't put it past her to move. Moving will only keep her at bay temporarily. Mark my words. I had an ex mother in law that did stuff like that. The only way to happiness is beign happy with yourself. Don't put up with this. I moved clear on the other side of the country and it didn't hamper the reach of a strange mother/son relationship...oh, and then she moved!

 

I think the best thing for me to do atm is pay off my debt as quickly as possible and move out. ALONE . Although my dad will complain that I am "wasting" money on rent I think it will enable me to shut out the world and do some thinking of my own.

 

As for London - I truly think he is running away from his mum. He has no other way to get away from here - or is not strong enough. My psychiatrist also told me that yes this may be indeed a way of him escaping her, and by him moving he wont see her hurt. He mentioned before he wants to move there by December. I mentioned " what about your mum " and he is like oh maybe she can come over too...............](*,) and be with us for Christmas.

 

As for a job in London I have a degree and also international experience. Finding a job shouldnt be an issue. I also want to pay my own way in London,( if we go ) I want to be able to be self sufficient just in case anything happens and I need to move out. Ideally I would stay alone in London I have friends there etc.

[Hermes]

This is a nightmare SSG! No wonder the guy has ED at only 31 years of age!!

 

At 27 it is high time to have your own life. Maybe it will be hard, but it will be worth it.

 

This is something you and you alone must work out with your BF. Keep the family out of it.

 

Hermes

[abitbroken]

In all honesty, I would forget about London. Even if you have the money to be on your own but are living with him, it will be an emotional ordeal to try to break away emotionally/mentally and there will be all sorts of drama moving away from him once there. You will also lack support. Even if your family is not particularly supportive, there are familiar places, you know how "things work" here, and you never know, you could look up some old friends who went away. And you have your psychiatrist and that kind of support network too. Even with degrees and international experience, in most countries, they want to employ someone who is already there first. It is not as simple of having a travel passport and just "staying." You often have to apply to stay through the proper channels.

 

If you really think you still want to follow him - let him move ALONE first. Maybe go for a visit once he is settled for a few months or a year, but seriously, I think this is a toxic relationship. Get yourself strong. When you are strong, you will eventually find someone who is more hole as well. With him, you will be with a child who feels responsible for the feelings of his mother. They do not have a healthy relationship and neither do you with him. You deserve so much more. But you are getting wrapped up in their codependency if you are even still considering being involved in his fantasy to run away.

 

If he leaves, the mother is out of your life. You don't have to run away from her.

 

I guess I just can't encourage anyone to continue a toxic relationship. When I moved with my ex, I was very isolated - far away from family or friends or familiar sites and I became extremely depressed. I wasn't myself at all to the ppint of my health starting to go down the tubes

[soursobgirl]

I think all of you are right - this is a toxic relationship. I don't think he see's it though thats the scary thing. I think he is comfortable in this world of his with his mum. I think she is so unhappy and bitter with her own life she is clutching on to her son's for dear life. Bit of back round - her husband passed away quickly with cancer, left her with a mortgage etc. Her 2 older sisters married VERY wealthy and do not have to work. They NEVER have worked a day in their life. I think the mother is very bitter about this. Even when my boyfriends dad was alive she still was the "breadwinner" of the family. It's funny though because she lives in a very affluent area - to which is has a mortgage on the house at 60 years old STILL. I mean she WANTED to live in a wealthy area so therefore she is going to have a mortgage. Everything of hers is designer, she turns her nose at target etc. Her daughter sits at home also - she married wealthy ( a dentist ) so does not have to work either. So I think she feels left out and its "unfair" for her to work because everyone around her doesn't.

 

My boyfriend has got his back up A LOT due to the fact I said to him " his mother likes to pretend everything is perfect ". He rebutted and said at least it isnt bad as my family. His mother doesn't like to air her dirty laundry so to speak and thats what he does. Bottles ALL of his emotions up til he ends up with a social disorder...fantastic. So of course we are going to the psychologist tomorrow with him and he want's to talk about WHY I attack his mum and point out everything she does wrong. He thinks I am jealous because I have 0 relationship with my mother.

[abitbroken]

I am glad you realize this. I also think its time for you to set a boundary. Do not go over to his house anymore. Only see him if he will meet you out. It doesn't have to be expensive outings. A bike ride, hike, meeting for an ice cream, art gallery. stuff like that. If his mom pesters and he doesn't meet you because of her pressure. Oh well. If he doesn't like it. Oh well. People only respect others when they set boundaries and stick to them.

 

I also suggest that after this round, I would stop going to HIS sessions and only go to yours. You are responsible for your own healing now, not his. I suspect the psychologist, if they are worth their salt, will see that you may be saying stuff about his mom but you are trying to shed some light on the situation or its not untrue. I would back off of the language of pointing his mom out as a "pretender" going forward and rather pick your battles or focus on less abstract concepts (i.e, things the mom is actively doing right now - like if she was incessantly calling him while he is out with you rather than "pretending" "in denial" etc).

 

I would really strongly consider just ending this relationship lock stock and barrel, but if you feel it is best to ease yourself out of it, I would set these boundaries, unravel your role of being the person who is helping him fix himself and then get your life back. Its not up to you to get him "to see" things are toxic. Because to him things probably seem normal.

[FreedomRing]

Abitbroken- you are sooo on target with your advice here! Soursob, you reallly need to absorb what Abitbroken has suggested to you.

 

You seem to acknowledge her points and agree, but then your posts go back to analyzing him, and his family, when frankly you have enough on your plate with your own circumstances.

 

At 27, you really need to get more self-sufficient. I know you have the desire, but it sounds as though you are approaching this all wrong. You mentioned you're not sure why your bf is not wanting to "rescue" you from your home life. This is not the correct outlook.

 

First, you should not be looking to a man, or anyone else, to "rescue" you from anything. Stand up on your own two feet and take care of yourself. Clearly you're resourceful, since you're on ENA asking for advice. Search the net for career and financial counselors that could possibly help you manage your debt.

 

Secondly, you're gonna keep waiting on your bf to "rescue" you, bc obviously, he has his own drama going on....another reason to get the ball rolling for yourself.

 

I agree, this relationship seems very juvenile...and toxic. No way would I consider moving in together, much less, together, AND in another country. Recipe for disaster.

 

I'm also a bit concerned that both of you would be interested in dating people who are lack the ability to take care of themselves as adults..not good.