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It's official. We're back together.


Lucy1982

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I am finally posting the thread I have longed to post for months.

 

Me and my boyfriend split up just before Christmas this year, things I had thought were going fine and we were very happy together after over 3 years together, then I got the news that "he needed space" I was devastated. All the dreams I'd had and we'd planned were gone and I just couldn't understand why...

 

Immediately after he asked for space I adopted NC. There was literally 2 or 3 times we were LC due to Christmas but I really felt very strongly that if it was space he wanted, regardless of how I felt I HAD to be strong and give it to him. It absolutely killed me, he didn't initiate any contact and he just dropped out of my life completely. I felt as if I had lost my right arm, the grief was unbearable but I remained strong and turned all my energy onto me. I had moments of sheer despair and would confide in friends, family and my enotalone friends but not once did I frantically call and beg him to come back. I had told him how I felt when he first asked for space and knew that anything I said would only push him away again so I really stayed strong and truly focused on me.

 

So what happened for him to come back? Well, it happened at the point everyone told me it would... when I had truly let go. I had told myself I'd let go right at the start of my grieving but I hadn't! It was only after 4 months I really had and it was then he got in touch and wanted to talk. We did and we both said what we had wasn't worth giving up on. That was great and he left and I was happy... then I started to wonder if that meant we were back together or not, there was nothing actually definite and after he left the silence went on. Now, I could have reacted but I didn't I kept on with my NC, by this point I was stronger and because I knew how he felt I knew it would somehow work itself out so I continued with my life and kept busy. The silence went on and then he asked to see me again, he asked me out with him and his friends, this I felt was a declaration as he wouldn't take me to see them if he wasn't ready to move things forward... it was, we had an amazing time and I could feel that spark again. Things continued to go well and I knew we were moving forward although if I am totally honest I wasn't that happy with the fact that we would see each other at his request then he would go silent and I would be left wondering if or when he'd be in touch again, I didn't want to get in touch and ask to see him incase I pushed him away... I felt like I was walking on egg shells and I realised that wasn't right and was not what I wanted.

 

What did I do? I did the one thing that perhaps a lot of people would say not to do but something I felt I had to do to get the relationship back to how I wanted. It was great that he wanted me and that the seeing each other the silence was working for him but it wasn't for me so I had to say something so I did. I told him that after all this time he knew that I would give him the time and space he needed and that I wasn't wanting to see and hear from him every 5 minutes but if he wanted to move things forward then I needed more from him then the occasional invite to see him. I reminded him that he had said when we first met up again and discussed getting back together that he had told me that this time it wasn't up to me to do everything and after sending the message I heard nothing but because I was so much stronger I thought, if he doesn't respond or if he gives me the answer I don't want to hear then at least I have been honest and said what I needed to say rather then just being a doormat. I got the reply I wanted, he was sorry and he totally understood and he really did want to move forward.

 

Since then it's been really great, we see each other when we can. Because I now have a much busier work and social life having built it up during the break up I too am as busy as him so he has to work around me as much as me him.

 

One other point I wanted to clear up was the fact that when he asked for space he told me one of the reasons was that he couldn't give me what I wanted so I asked him the other day that we need to let the past be the past now but I needed to know what had changed to make him now realise he wanted me and could give me what I wanted... he told me that he just needed the time to work things out in his own mind and he knew now that he was on the same page as me.

 

So that is that!

 

I wanted to post this to let those who knew my story how I was getting on and to let others know that sometimes even the most desperate of stories can work out.

 

So many people say NC is the only answer and in my case I remained firm and stuck to it but I believe that every case IS different, you can't change someones mind by hounding them so I DO recommend initiating NC in the very early stages, you HAVE to have time and distance to get perspective and also to work out exactly what it is YOU want.

 

As hard as it is DO work on yourself, take up new hobbies, travel, IF you just can't face going out and seeing people do something for yourself at home, even if it's cooking... reading, anything, you just can't give up on yourself. Take small steps, talk to friends, family but as others have advised, don't overdo it, people can only take so much, no matter how good the friendship.

 

I am still staying strong and I'm not get all caught up in 'us' again. It is ME and HIM and I am taking things slowly. Today was the best day since we reconciled, that spark was there and I could see the love in him again and it made me realise that as much as I care about him I am really going to enjoy this process slowly, we can both tell how fond of each other we are but I'M not ready to throw any "I love yous" at him, I need to take my time and remain the strong independent person I have become over these 5 months.

 

Thank you SO much to everyone on here who has been here when I have felt at my lowest - you have all been so great. I will check in here to see how you're doing and also I will continue to post in the 'getting back together' forum to keep you updated on my progress.

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What did I do? I did the one thing that perhaps a lot of people would say not to do but something I felt I had to do to get the relationship back to how I wanted. It was great that he wanted me and that the seeing each other the silence was working for him but it wasn't for me so I had to say something so I did.

 

Good for you girl! You stood up for yourself! Way to go!

 

I am happy for you!

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It seems like you handle yourself well during the break up and even after you saw him again.

 

Best part- You not only got your control back, but you are a whole new confident/independent person!

 

Congrats! Please keep us updated! I really hope things work out.

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Wow, congrats on handling everything so well and maintaining your cool. Now look where you are

 

Just curious - how old are you two? I know every break-up, every individual and couple on this forum are different, but I can't help but think "wow, that's very much my ex." He also said he couldn't give me what I want at this moment, and that he needs to figure out a lot of things for himself despite the awareness that what we had was so great. There was no other girl in the picture for your ex at the time right? I'm making the right steps I feel in terms of working on myself, not holding onto hope but just curious.

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bigheart this does sound similar to your story. See how she gave him space, gave herself space, worked on herself, got over it, didn't worry too much and eventually, AS A BONUS, got her ex back?

 

Hope this gives you a bit of inspiration love!

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Very similar to mine as well. And I did all the things mentioned above and am in a much better place than I have been in years. The ex coming back was indeed the 'bonus'. And although we're on the road to possibly figuring things out, I still can't stress enough how important and healthy it is to find yourself AND let your ex do the same (within reason, of course!).

 

Congrats Lucy!

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Very similar to mine as well. And I did all the things mentioned above and am in a much better place than I have been in years. The ex coming back was indeed the 'bonus'. And although we're on the road to possibly figuring things out, I still can't stress enough how important and healthy it is to find yourself AND let your ex do the same (within reason, of course!).

 

Congrats Lucy!

 

I'd love to hear your story too! Please post when you have time.

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Wonderful! Though I know every situation is different this gives me hope! Its refreshing to hear happy stories for a change, the best part seems to be that you found your independence.

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I'd love to hear your story too! Please post when you have time.

 

I have...just didn't want to hijack this thread, lol

 

I'm still in the middle of mine, taking it slowly but surely. No one has really commented lately, so I've kinda just been blogging about it, but I'd appreciate any further thoughts!

 

 

 

Lucy, if I can add...take things slowly and keep a positive mindset, no matter what comes about.

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Great News lucy, gives so much hope to those like me who are in the same boa as you at the breakup. Youve grown since your last posts and its amazing to read how controlled you are at the end. Good luck with things and really take things slowly but absorb everything. Always keep your ears open!

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Wow, congrats on handling everything so well and maintaining your cool. Now look where you are

 

Just curious - how old are you two? I know every break-up, every individual and couple on this forum are different, but I can't help but think "wow, that's very much my ex." He also said he couldn't give me what I want at this moment, and that he needs to figure out a lot of things for himself despite the awareness that what we had was so great. There was no other girl in the picture for your ex at the time right? I'm making the right steps I feel in terms of working on myself, not holding onto hope but just curious.

 

We are both 28, I think late twenties is always a tricky stage in any relationship. A lot of his friends are 'settling down' and I think he thought I wanted that right now and had convinced himself that he wasn't ready. He also has a lot of business concerns with the current economic climate so I thikn he reallly just needed to get his head together and some things sorted out without having to worry about pressures from me. There was noone else involved at the time, I know that 100% as he always said he just wanted to be alone and didn't want anyone else, several of his friends have also told me that he's literally just been working then hanging out with him when he got free time.

 

As you said and as I said in my previous post that every situation is different but I do feel NC and focusing on myself and letting go really did help me, and not just me but the relationship too.

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Thank you to everybody who has congratulated me here it's really made me smile. All continues to go well and I am enjoying this NEW relationship, the spark has never been brighter and the excitement and fun is back, long may it continue. I made a vow with myself and that was IF I ever got the chance to be with him again I would NEVER give up on ME again and I am sticking to that. I really lost myself in the relationship and forgot all about me. I am someone who when I love someone I give my all but now, I really will do everything in my power to make him happy but will also do everything in my power to continue to make me happy and enjoy my single, independent life.

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I would NEVER give up on ME again and I am sticking to that.

 

this should effectively be made rule #1 of the 'Dumpee's survival guide'...

a rule oft forgotten.

 

Many congrats once again dear.

Wishing you both all the best.

TS

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Congrats Lucy, I found your story through google trying to figure out my own situation which seems similar so I am glad yours worked out.

I am still in the process of mine and I will try to get some feedback on the main page..I posted it here first but I dont want to crash your post!

 

good luuuck

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just thought I would post a quick update... things are going so well. I am still maintaining my own life but the time we do spend together is just so amazing, so much better then before! Perhaps sometimes relationships need a break, I can honestly say something has happened that has made it so much better then before, I think it is because we now realise how much better it is to have each other then not. It has gone from me seeing him all the time because I used to clear and cancel doing things just so that I could see him IF he wanted to see me to now me being so busy that HE is asking when he can see me next! He's being so loving, attentive and is interested in me again, the spark is well and truly back and we're having so much fun!

 

I am falling in love with him again BUT I haven't said anything as I don't want to just yet, I can see he feels the same and it's so nice knowing that we both feel it and we know it's there and when it is said it will be so special. I catch him staring at me in such a loving way!

 

Yes, the 4 months we were apart were awful but they would have been so much worse if I had just wallowed and done nothing, he even said to me yesterday that the fact I left him to it and gave him the space he needed made him realise that I respected him and actually wanted it to work out. He also said that had I gone on and on at him and pestered him it would have had the opposite effect and totally pushed him away.

 

So, please, all of you who are going through a 'break' if he has asked for space you MUST give it to him and no matter how hard, you must leave him to it and go on with your life and have fun!

 

I hope you're all well x

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Thanks for the update, Lucy. I've been following your posts for quite some time, and they've given me motivation to keep up with the NC. Since you clearly know what you're doing, any insights on my situation?

 

After two months of self-healing NC (three months total of breakup), we hung out again about two weeks ago, then (oops) hooked up a few days later. Afterwards, he told me he still needed space to work out his issues - couldn't jump back into a relationship.

 

Instead of freaking out at him (as I well could have) I told him I respected his need for space, and backed off. I got this from him last Wednesday, and didn't respond:

 

"Thanks again for being understanding.

 

Circumstances and state of mind can be detrimental to a relationship,

as we've seen, regardless of potential or anything else. I'm

optimistic that given time, once we're both in the right place, we can

clear the slate and start over at the very beginning (as friends

first). I agree that jumping right back into a relationship probably

isn't the right thing for either of us.

 

It doesn't look like you're getting a lengthy email - I'm not sure

what else needs to be said right now. Please remember that I do care

about you. I biggest fear over the weekend was that I would end up

hurting you again, and I just couldn't deal with that."

 

Think there's still hope he'll come back, since I'm giving him the space he needs? I'd like to think so, but who knows, right? Hard to trust, or have faith.

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