the pain remains...

[ramsickle1369]

I don't know how to move forward. Now that I know the whole truth, it makes me sick. It hurts all the time. Every wonderful thing in my life is shadowed by the lies and the betrayal.

 

Just needed to write I guess... My heart is so heavy. All I keep asking is "WHY?" I wasn't a bad person and I didn't treat him badly. And yet, I am stuck with the truth about the lies. Being used. Yeah, I knew that was part of the deal, I never expected him to be completely lying about everything.

 

In an argument we had a few days ago, he flips the script. His point of view of the time he attacked me trying to throw me out the door was that I broke in, fell down drunk, then became violent. This couldn't be further from the truth, especially considering I'd been there several hours before the incident happened. The way his brain works baffles me and hurts so deeply. He truly sees absolutely no wrong-doing on his part. Not an ounce of accountability. He literally sees things totally skewed from the way they really were.

 

He tells me on Friday that he cared nothing about this other woman he was dating (that I didn't know about) then the next day he tells me that he really cares about her and to leave THEM alone. Mind you, she got my number well over a year ago and she called ME to find out some truth of her own. All the while maintaining she never cared about him. Then, he starts sending her hate emails and she turns around and starts attacking me.

 

It's all too much and I've never experienced such delusional drama. It's like I'm in this really weird horrible nightmare and I just woke up.

 

Worst of it is, the love has no where to go and moving on with someone else appears to be the worst idea. All I do is think of what should have been and cry. I can't be with anyone, nor do I really plan to... Never again? Maybe. Certainly not now... I trust no one.

 

Sorry, just venting... My heart aches. It was all a lie. All of it. Every single word. I always knew it wasn't right, but this is so far beyond anything I could have dreamed up. I'm still in shock and the only person that can make it better is the one that caused it all... And that's never going to happen.

 

Hope no one else out there is feeling this particular kind of betrayal. I'll never get closure from him--I must find a way to forgive myself. I'll never forgive him.

 

[lavenderdove]

I'm really sorry... it really is horrendous when you discover a long-term betrayal...

 

But you are not alone at this... so many people discover their partners have lied and cheated... I really do think that really good people just can't envision their partner cheating, because they'd never do it, so it is so hard when they finally discover the lie when giving their partner the benefit of the doubt.

 

I had someone lie to me about being single and available to date, when he had a 'secret' wife in another town. I guess i was the secret girlfriend and she the secret wife, because neither of us knew about the other until i stumbled upon some pictures on FB of him and his wife (wedding rings and all) taken at a party and their shared house that i knew nothing about. So i did some online research, and easily discovered he was married and living with her, and had been married to her for 4 whole years, and lying to me thru all of them!

 

He'd invented this whole fiction of living with a 'buddy' of his in this other town, and spent a lot of time in my town for business, so i only saw him there and couldn't travel to his town due to work and other considerations, so was stunned to discover this HUGE lie he carried on for years because i never went to his town to check on him (didn't feel the need to, but SHOULD have). It is easy for cheaters these days with cell phones and email accounts, to keep their various amours separate, for a while anyway, especially if the women don't live in the same town as each other.

 

The thing is eventually your pain will turn to anger, then after a while, indifference. It will take time, but once you really accept the fact that your lover betrayed you, and recognize he is NOT the good person you thought he was, it is easier to start healing and let go of him. Remember, you are letting go of a BAD GUY who lies and cheat, not your sweetheart and loved one that you thought he was... he's a chameleon, and willing to change his colors to get what he wants, even if it hurts and destroys those closest to him.

 

And not everyone is a betrayer, so you just have to evaluate everyone's behavior carefully to weed out the ones who are. Having experienced this once, you learn the tricks that cheaters use to cover up their behavior, and will detect it very early on rather than after your heart is too involved in future. And most likely meet a good guy where you don't have to worry about it at all. So don't despair, just try to be kind to yourself and let time heal you. You won't feel this way forever, and WILL enjoy life and love again, but you just need time to heal and digest all this.

[ramsickle1369]

The thing is eventually your pain will turn to anger, then after a while, indifference. It will take time, but once you really accept the fact that your lover betrayed you, and recognize he is NOT the good person you thought he was, it is easier to start healing and let go of him. Remember, you are letting go of a BAD GUY who lies and cheat, not your sweetheart and loved one that you thought he was... he's a chameleon, and willing to change his colors to get what he wants, even if it hurts and destroys those closest to him.

 

thank you for your kindness... Yes, he was also a chameleon. The anger stage has pretty much passed, at least the blinding rage part. I did lots of research of my own and found out many many others he was also doing this to. My anger makes me say things to him, even still. I can NOT understand let alone accept. I want to be able to let go of it all, but it just remains. I think it's the way he continues to color the truth or flat out change it that gets me. He is NOT a good guy, but he really thinks he is... I guess I hope that some day he'll get fixed and I'll get an apology--but that's something someone with a consience would do, not something a total sociopath would do.

 

I'm so sorry that you had to go thru your situation. I suppose we all need to Google them in advance and dig as much as we can. Sometimes I feel like the crazy one for doing all the research that I did. The rage he entices in me is overpowering. I simply need to be done. Wish it would happen sooner rather than later.

[ElectricSheep123]

Have you thought about the no contact rule?

 

I wrote this on another thread, and think it applies here. Don't be offended, but I'm going to copy and paste:

 

 

Go into NC.

I found some excerpts from a site, from people in similar situation as yours who are talking about the no-contact rule. Here are some of the more inspiring ones that helped me:

 

"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - 'Go to helll!'

No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."

 

"Things he said to me when I was devalued and discarded are what made me begin the no contact...and I would have wasted all that I had established, for myself, if I ever contact him again. I have often been asked what I would do if he tried to re-establish contact with me. Up until a few days ago, I did not really have an answer. But, I have climbed up to another level and I know now that I would do exactly what is recommended...thanks, but no thanks. I am not the same person, I have nothing more to give to you, I know that you have absolutely nothing to give to me."

 

"We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not."

 

"Give it time. Use the power of silence."

 

"I had to treat no contact like a drug addiction. There were times I had to count the minutes, then hours of no contact. I marked days off on the calendar. My entire life went to hell and I finally got mad and took it back. I am making my own happiness these days. It's still a struggle but it gets better every day. I had to force myself through the initial no contact but once I started to see our relationship for what it was it became easier and easier."

 

"The only way you can achieve any type of victory over them is to walk away with your head held high and have no contact. The longer you stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."

 

"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."

 

Read these points over and over. He does not deserve your friendship. He fcuked up and does not deserve you in his life.

DON'T LET HIM WIN!!!

[ramsickle1369]

Have you thought about the no contact rule?

 

Yes, I have initiated and tried to maintain it too many times to count. But the post you just shared had one very interesting point--at least it reached me.

 

It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict.

 

I'm not sure what it says about me to want to be able to inflict that kind of response to somoene. I have had his cell number blocked for the past couple of weeks but then I unblock it. You're absolutely right. I have tried 100's of times to get out of this, but I have never completely made it. Even though I was the one that truly ended things, I still keep hearing those initial moments (the lies he told me I desperately wanted to hear). And that makes me break down.

 

In fact, right now, I am blocking everything. I don't know how to block MYSELF from sending anything to him, but I really am going to do this. I have to. I deserve it.

 

Thanks for your post... It was beautiful...

[ElectricSheep123]

I'm not sure what it says about me to want to be able to inflict that kind of response to someone.

 

Thanks for your post... It was beautiful...

 

It says nothing about you, except that you are a strong, beautiful, amazing person who deserve much better in her life. To do the opposite of this would be to feed into his ego, to continue to allow him to hurt you over and over again. You're not doing this for him; you're doing it for yourself.

 

And in the end, he's going to get all that's coming to him.

 

I like to quote a lyric from a song whenever I'm down:

 

Baby, I had all my trust in you, but look at what you've put me through.

You've got me going crazy

Somewhere down the line, you're gonna get what you deserve

You fcuking jerk

You were supposed to save me, my sweet baby

And now our love is fading away.

But you're gonna know exactly how this feels....

 

 

Don't worry about him, as hard as it is. His time will come, and eventually you'll look back on this and realize that the best thing you did was to let it be. Move on, and someone better will come along.

 

And you're welcome It'll all be over soon. There's no way to go from here but up.

[ramsickle1369]

thank you.... "let it be..." fine words... What song is that? I'd like to hear it...

 

It is hard, some times way harder than others. For some reason I have always had a hard time letting go--even when I know it's for the best. I was married/attached for 10 years to the previous man who also left me feeling empty. I knew then as well as with this last one that I should never have stayed. NC it is...

[ElectricSheep123]

thank you.... "let it be..." fine words... What song is that? I'd like to hear it...

 

It is hard, some times way harder than others. For some reason I have always had a hard time letting go--even when I know it's for the best. I was married/attached for 10 years to the previous man who also left me feeling empty. I knew then as well as with this last one that I should never have stayed. NC it is...

 

I don't know if you'd like the song, although the lyrics are good-- at least the lines I gave you. I am a fan of the singer, but a lot of people don't like her music. Anyway, it's "Betcha Gon' Know" by Mariah Carey. In the song, she catches her boyfriend cheating and vows that she was gonna make him feel how it feels to have someone do it to him.

 

But I'm really sorry about your history with guys. Men are dogs lol. But it takes courage to dust yourself off and start over (esp. after 10 years) and to be honest, I admire you for that. The right one is out there, and he will come along. You just have to find the right one, create your own destiny.

[ramsickle1369]

relic--are you really only 22? You're pretty wise for that age. Although, I used to be called the same. It's so very different when you're actually IN the mess...

 

I just want to fast forward to about a year from now--when the pain has subsided and I feel like a whole person again... Maybe by then the tears will stop...

 

Thanks again...

[jellysandwich]

The thing is eventually your pain will turn to anger, then after a while, indifference

 

This part really hurts me...

 

My ex is currently angry at me... That means that she will soon be indifferent to me? I didn't cheat on her or anything like that; instead, I didn't trust her and tried to control her and accused her of lying and cheating.

 

Now I feel so guilty. I was such a terrible boyfriend I drove her away

[ramsickle1369]

Thought I'd share this with you all about this guy and the lengths he went to to screw with people. Keep in mind, this is the same month he restarted things with me AND started seeing the other girlfriend:

[ramsickle1369]

This part really hurts me...

 

My ex is currently angry at me... That means that she will soon be indifferent to me? I didn't cheat on her or anything like that; instead, I didn't trust her and tried to control her and accused her of lying and cheating.

 

Now I feel so guilty. I was such a terrible boyfriend I drove her away

 

Jelly,

 

why did you think she was lying or cheating?

[jellysandwich]

Jelly,

 

why did you think she was lying or cheating?

 

Insecure, low self-esteem, clingy... You know the works. Not much basis really, but she started going clubbing and partying a lot more with her sister and these two guys. I was ... very uncomfortable with it (I like more conservative girls). Didn't help at all that it was my first relationship AND a LDR.

 

Interestingly, I found out that she got drunk (her first time getting drunk ever) and made out with one of them days after the breakup. Don't really know if that means anything, but I don't care enough to dwell on it.

[ramsickle1369]

Jel-- It sounds like your insecurities weren't totally unfounded. LDR's are ALWAYS hard because you don't really know the whole story. And you may never...

[GivenUpOnHope]

it's been about 3 and a half months almost 4 months since my ex and i broke up. at first it was because of school, she's gonna go to school in scotland, and i was ok with us breaking up cuz it'll be easier for her when she leaves. 2 weeks after we break up, i find out she's already dating someone, and she's in love. when we were together, we were happy, barely ever fought, everything was good. i never saw this coming, not even my friends, or my mom. what's worse is that the girl she left me for doesn't have a job, doesn't have a car, doesn't even have a license, doesn't go to school, doesn't have anything going on for her. all she does is smoke pot and sells it and to get money, breaks into ppl's houses. my friends tell me i should be happy she downgraded, but how can i be happy about it? it makes me feel like crap. like what does that loser have that i don't have? i'm a year away from getting my MD. i gave her her dreams. i tutored her for her exams to get in for school, helped her with her applications and personal statements, and even got her scholarships for school. she got accepted and she didn't even tell me. her bestfriend told me. i'm left here to think what did i do wrong or what didn't i do?

 

the more i find out later, the madder i got, the angrier i got, to where i wanted to hate her, but i couldn't. i love her still. so much that it hurts. they say time heals all. but at the very moment when you're hurting the most, time goes by so slowly, that you can feel your emotional pain turn into phyical pain.

 

but some days do get easier. it's the nights that's hardest for me personally. i don't sleep much anymore cuz i'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night, cry so much my eyes hurt. the worse part is, smiling and pretending everything is ok when you're around ppl. i keep telling myself i hate her, i don't need her, i don't care about her. the more i tell myself that, i thought maybe i could believe it, i couldn't. no matter how hard i try, i still love her.

 

if only we could really just erase our painful memory, life would be so much easier, but some say it's unethical. sighs...

 

how do you stop loving someone when all you can think about is the time you've shared together? reliving them over and over in your head.

 

i hope my friends are right. that time will heal.

 

i hope you'll get thru this. liars don't deserve the tears we shed.

[ramsickle1369]

i wish i was dead... I'm sorry for anyone out there that has depression, has felt total betrayal or has just bad feelings. I wish I'd just get hit by a bus and die.

[ramsickle1369]

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I truly am. They will never be sorry, but I really am. Hope you're doing ok...