Hmm... can't bring myself to say Yes.

[FoundYet]

My ex wants to hangout today and for some reason I can't bring myself to say yes. We haven't hung out since November and only just started talking again this month from three months of NC. It's been an hour since he asked and we have been texting back and forth since then but I still haven't answered.

 

This is weird cause that's want I really want to do is hang out and talk with him and now I have the chance and this happens.

 

I don't understand this.

What is this? help please?

[TryingVeryHard]

Has he or is he dating some one else?

 

Do you want to talk to him about the relationship? Or just to catch up?

 

Do you want to get back together?

[FoundYet]

No he's not dating someone else.

Yes, I want very much to talk about what happened. He hurt me very badly and two weeks ago he apologized for it. And he has told me he still cares for me and wants to see me again.

I would like to catch up with him too but for some reason something is stopping me.

As to whether I want to get back together, I'm indifferent at the moment.

 

Should I just take a leap of faith here?

[Civic204]

My ex wants to hangout today and for some reason I can't bring myself to say yes. We haven't hung out since November and only just started talking again this month from three months of NC. It's been an hour since he asked and we have been texting back and forth since then but I still haven't answered.

 

This is weird cause that's want I really want to do is hang out and talk with him and now I have the chance and this happens.

 

I don't understand this.

What is this? help please?

 

Are you the dumper or dumpee? And how long were you two together?

[FoundYet]

I was the dumpee.

1 yr. Offically broke this Jan.

[doiiiieeezie]

Do what you feel comfortable with. It's scary to associate with a person that once brought you hurt and pain. It's the power of true forgiveness that we can see them in a new light. Having said that, you shouldn't be worrying if you'd like to talk about the past relationship right away. In fact go see him, have a few laughs and go from there.

 

Keep us updated.

[Live-N-Learn]

No he's not dating someone else.

Yes, I want very much to talk about what happened. He hurt me very badly and two weeks ago he apologized for it. And he has told me he still cares for me and wants to see me again.

I would like to catch up with him too but for some reason something is stopping me.

As to whether I want to get back together, I'm indifferent at the moment.

 

Should I just take a leap of faith here?

 

No leaps of faith. Do not make it easy on him, remember he dumped you! Make him work for it, tell him you are busy today. Show him how it feels to not know where he stands. I am of the opinion no hanging out til he makes his intentions clear, ie... I want to talk about reconciliation. If not, you are setting yourself up for more hurt.

[TryingVeryHard]

Well... You might wanna wait for some one else to advise you on this..

 

I still very much want to get back together with my ex, so of course i'd say I would definitely say yes...

 

However, she has been dating some one since a couple weeks after we broke up, which was about 5 months ago... So I haven't had the opportunity...

 

It sucks when you feel like all you want to do is explain what went wrong but you get robbed of the opportunity to even do that...

 

In my opinion... You are fortunate to have this opportunity... And I would say yes... Especially if you are truly indifferent to getting back together.

[FoundYet]

Scott6099, I did that last week. I asked if he wanted to go for a walk and he sent me his schedule, like I had to pencil myself in. I reply, nevermind and said I wouldn't ask again. So this time he asked. Yeah, I don't want to get hurt again.

 

Just sent a text to see if he still wants to.

[Brownstone322]

My ex asked me to "talk and hangout" last month, and my first impulse was same as yours -- I said no. If she tries again, I'll be more accommodating. But if she wants me back in her life, she's not gonna get it on the first try.

 

So I know exactly how you feel. Anyone who hasn't been in that situation can't really understand.

[FoundYet]

Ok, he said yes.

 

Tell you what happens later.. eek.

[FoundYet]

Update: it was ok.

 

We laughed and we had fun just being at the park in the sun together. We didn't talk about our relationship but gave each other updates on our own lives and just talked and laughed about random things. We then went and had dinner with some of his friends, which was a first for me cause he liked to hide me from a lot of them, which hurt, so this was new. Now I knew about the friend dinner before he even picked me up because he asked me first, on his way to picking me up, if I would like to go with him to this friends birthday dinner. I asked him if I could give him an answer later (cause I didn't know how the day would go) and he said sure. Needless to say, it was a nice dinner and a nice time. Then he took me home. We ended without a hug just smiles. He seemed a little nervous about wanting to lean in for a hug too. He dropped me off quickly, which he use to do then left. We texted later that evening as well.

 

So all and all, it was ok. We had some new and some old things happening.

 

I was nervous when I saw him but that changed when we started talking again. It turned into a calm, nice feeling for me. Kinda like old times and he seemed happy to see me too. Though, I didn't have that spark feeling but I think that is because I had to lock all my emotions and feelings that I had for him up so tightly for me to start the healing process/getting over him during the NC. I know my feelings are still there for him but I won't let them come out again until we talk about our relationship and I can feel safe to let them out again.

 

It was a good day. We got the scary part over with and it ended nicely. We seem to be taking things very very slow or I could be way way off. But if he continues and wants to hang out again we'll need to sit down and chat about what happened so we can let go and move forward.

 

And I just need to say, Thank you guys for helping me. I just had one of those moments, out of the blue, where I needed to talk with someone first before I decided to hang out with him.

My Best friend who went through this relationship/break up with me has stopped talking to me because she hates the idea that I'm even talking to him again. So Thank you for being there for me.

[FoundYet]

Update... Well we broke up...again.

 

What happened?

At the beginning we went on a couple of dates just to get the feel for each other again, then we finally talked about our past relationship and what went wrong and what went right for both of us. Then I asked him, the dreaded question, 'What do you want here?' cause this time I needed to know because he acted indifferent before and he said, 'I want to make this work.' I said, okay but it's going to be hard and slow and we have to work on certain things and he was all for it. And so we did...

 

During this reconciliation I noticed he was talking/chatting/posting more with someone online and I got a feeling that reminded me of something before but I knew those feelings would pop up and I didn't want to jump to conclusions, and people talk online all the time and with his job, he has lots of friends many different ages and I usually don't have a problem and don't jump to conclusions, but it was just that small feeling saying, this seems familiar. It was weird. I asked him about it. He said, it's just an online friend. I left it at that.

 

Did you catch the mistake?

 

Well, we continued working on our relationship. It was slow in the beginning but it was moving. He finally invited me to an event, which he'd never done before, and it was fun, except at the very end of the evening, he didn't want me to meet someone. Then a weird sadness washed over me, like he was ashamed of me being there and I already knew the person.(again familiar) Later, I told him about it because this was a familiar feeling but this time I was bringing it out in the open, that's what we were doing this time. He then became distant after that, I don't know why, we didn't argue, we both talked and went to eat after. It had been a fun day, minus the one thing. But then he stopped wanting to hangout or talk (sigh, familiar) When we did talk he would be online with someone else. Then a mere two weeks after, we broke apart, again, cause I asked if this was still what he wanted, I needed a little reassurance after those two weeks, and he replied with, he didn't know and was indifferent, again. He then made me feel ashamed for having been happy around him. (what?) Yeah, apparently his arrogance popped out because he told me he thought he was my sole provider for happiness. (Again, what?) I never forced myself on him, I always gave him his space, I liked my space, we had fun 'when we were' together, then this? Where did it come from? It's like he didn't know me, at all, nor did he try. I was just blown away by that statement because so many things make me happy and life is more enjoyable when you're happy, (he used to know that) and all he thought now was that he was the only one. After knowing him for so long, conceited was not an adjective I would've given him.

Needless to say, we parted on an even tone, luckily. Then I find out right after, he's now dating that person he always talked online with, who was someone he started talking to before we got back together. I just want to know Why did you even come back??? I don't get it. Wanted more but afraid to take that step? Was it confusion and just to get closure from feelings you didn't understand before so you could move on? I think, from the past you've told be about, you're a runner. Always running away, never daring to stop and flourish, too scared to. And I was just a year and a half stop over. And now you run to someone else, so soon. Sad. I hate him. I miss him. I feel sorry for him. Completely opposite emotions that hurt like hell. Well, at least the hate means I'm moving forward again, I guess.

 

So now I'm back to NC and off to healing after a break up, again.

[Cadence44]

I'm sorry about what happened to you. You tried to make it work and believed his explanations when it's clear he wasn't putting in the same effort as you. Some people say that it's an easier recovery when a reconciliation breaks apart, because at least you know that you gave it a try and you did your best.

 

He then made me feel ashamed for having been happy around him. (what?) Yeah, apparently his arrogance popped out because he told me he thought he was my sole provider for happiness. (Again, what?) I never forced myself on him, I always gave him his space, I liked my space, we had fun 'when we were' together, then this? Where did it come from? It's like he didn't know me, at all, nor did he try. I was just blown away by that statement because so many things make me happy and life is more enjoyable when you're happy, (he used to know that) and all he thought now was that he was the only one. After knowing him for so long, conceited was not an adjective I would've given him.

 

The only explanations that I can come up with for those baffling statements are that he either reached for the most convenient excuse to break up with you or that it's possible that the online "friend" helped him to come to these realizations, since it's apparent that she was interested in him.

 

Who knows. What is clear is that this guy is messed up and he treated you badly. You should not let this reflect upon you, because all of this is his problem. You could be the most perfect person ever, and he'd still not see a problem with pursuing someone else when he's supposed to be devoting his energies to you. This is the real him, and you should not ever let him back again.

 

Hopefully knowing that you gave it your all and it still didn't work will be what you need to heal. Let's hope it makes the process easier and faster than the last time.

[bwhite00]

You're very right, Brownstone.

 

Unfortunately prior to recently if my ex - the dumper - had shown interest I'd have salivated like Pavlov's dog.

 

But like everyone on here says - if they want you back THEY have to work for it.

 

I don't know why - as the dumpee - I tried so hard to make things work. And you know they did for about a month of relentless trials and tribulations and the end result?

 

A bittersweet dating experience followed by her bolting : she was after all, not committed any longer - and further, if she knows I'll just be 'waiting' what's it matter anyways right?

 

Complete NC for me, but I will tell you this: don't dive back into anything though it's easier said than done.

[bwhite00]

I just read your update & I'm sorry things didn't work out.

 

It really sucks when you do your best and still end up alone, you know? But in those instances, it truly was them and not you.

 

Hope you're doing ok because I know how bad it hurts to get your hopes up to have crushed. Hang in there.

[FoundYet]

Thanks guys.

Yeah, now I just want to understand, which I probably never will, his behavior and those statements he gave me. Cause I tried, really tried and I feel like I got slapped in the face by something absurd. So now I'm jumping back and forth from being angry with him, to, did I try too hard, to, stop it I'm not going to be broken over this! I'm continually running around in circles but with more awareness about the situation!

 

I'm just so confused. And yes, in a way, it is a little easier to deal with this time around, with it being a second round break up. The difference being there isn't the constant numbing crying all night long. Now it's crying jags that pop up here and there which brings more awareness which leads to more analyzing from all sides and that's the part that really is getting to me, confusing me and pissing me off. I feel more angry this time around and I don't like that. I'm not an angry person. But it's there, and I get angry with myself for being angry, for having opened up again, having tried, having allowed him back into my life.

 

If you haven't noticed, today is an angry day.

 

I just don't want to be broken like this. I don't like. And now I'm in the place of wanting to talk to him about it, again. Which is SO not good to be thinking. Arrg!

Deep breath. I'm working on it.

[Ms Darcy]

I just don't want to be broken like this.

 

You will not be broken.

 

You need to realize that you have incredible instincts. You had a feeling in the pit of your gut that he was up to no good. And you were right. What does that say about you? That you are an incredibly intuitive woman who has a special soul. Don't let him make you question that. It's there and it's powerful. You are now faced with the task of finding someone that meets your standards.

 

And he is well below.

[FoundYet]

And he is well below.

 

Thanks Ms Darcy, yes, he is. Well, I keep trying to tell myself that.

 

Maybe I have the instincts but I don't or still haven't learned to use them. Was it my downfall actually telling him about those familiar feelings or just not telling him in the right way or the other person or.. And now I also hate the idea that he may have told someone ALL about us. It just makes me cringe and hate and cry.

 

Am sad tonight because I am, sadly, still broke and am filling the wound with hate and I hate myself for feeling this hate which makes me sad because I don't hate anyone, until now. And drove around for two hours crying because of this hate and what a horrible feeling this is to have. And what I can do about it to make it go away? All I can think is to be nice to him somehow. How odd is that?

 

I'm exhausted.

[Ms Darcy]

I think this is a really good time to funnel your energy into something you feel a lot of passion about.

[FoundYet]

I would LOVE to funnel this somewhere, but I've lost all my courage to step out there and do it.

 

And sadly, I did text him, something nice. He replied. Then asked if we could do something right after. I told him no. (Was not anywhere near ready for that.) It was just a few nice little texts, then done. I actually wasn't scared to text him, nor did I care about a reply, if there was one. I just did it.

My thoughts(I can see it being an excuse too but..):

I needed to do something. So I tried, Conquer hate with being nice. I did it for me. Very selfish, but it helped me. Lots of the anger has left for the moment. We'll see if it lasts. Though, I have no plans on contacting him any time soon. Maybe it's a quick fix to the problem. I can see that as a result. I hope it's not.

 

Sigh

 

It's a quiet day.