Make amends? Or leave it alone...?

[misssmithviii]

I had a godmother when I was about 5 up until I turned 15. She taught me things my father couldn't and was a wonderful mother-figure when I had none of my own.

Unfortunately I made some really bad, selfish choices when I was that age... choices I have come to terms with and do not beat myself up for anymore. However one of those choices really hurt her, and I was too ashamed to ever talk to her after that. She stopped talking to me, and I did the same.

 

I have grown out of that horrible stage in my life, and over the past year I've been wanting to get in touch with her again - most importantly, to apologize.

I do not expect anything from her, I do not hope for a relationship again, and I'm very accepting of rejection and will have absolutely no problem if she chooses to never speak to me again (as she has).

 

I'm wondering what to do and I'd really like some input: Would I be wrong in trying to contact her? Would hearing from me be a mistake on my part and only hurt her?

I don't want to hurt her.

 

[Here's the specifics if it matters:

I had "tried" committing suicide (a long time ago now) and when I was sent to the psychiatric hospital, she called me immediately (I think my father told her). When they told me who was calling, I chose to ignore her calls. I didn't want to hear her lecture me (especially since she is extremely religious and I knew hearing about how condemned I was wouldn't help my mental state at all... that and I knew she held a bit of resentment towards me changing my religious views).

I was only held there for 2 days, they deemed my attempt as a result of a stress problem that I should seek counseling for but am at a low-risk because of how I attempted the suicide. I ran in front of traffic - the doctor said since I put myself in harm's way, but didn't directly attempt it myself, that I don't pose much of a threat. In my case, he was right. I had never tried before and it was more of a stunt for attention

Yes, I have received counseling and therapy

 

Ever since she tried to call and I ignored her, we haven't spoken.]

[alli]

I would maybe send her a card, telling her what you said here. What you appreciate of her (such as her being there for you) & that you apologize for blocking her out at that time, and that while you would love to hear from her, you understand if she can't do that. I'd probably leave out the part about you ignoring her because of her religiousness & the shame you thought she would put on you. That would be basically shifting the blame of the torn relationship onto her, and wouldn't be much of an apology.

[misssmithviii]

@alli: Thank you I will write her then, and of course - I will not mention anything about why I didn't take her calls. If she does reply and asks about it... I won't mention the religious part - but would it be bad to say I was too ashamed?

[alli]

@alli: Thank you I will write her then, and of course - I will not mention anything about why I didn't take her calls. If she does reply and asks about it... I won't mention the religious part - but would it be bad to say I was too ashamed?

 

I don't think that'd be a bad thing to say. It's true & I think it might explain why you did what you did, if she was confused about why things ended up like they did.

[turnera]

It's never bad to apologize, and it's never bad to say you were ashamed. She's probably been dying to talk to you for years.

 

Be loving, be sincere, and humble. She'll be glad to hear from you.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think that contacting her, and making ammends would be the kindest thing to do. I'm sure she'll understand that you were young, and going through a difficult time in your life.

 

All the best...

[veralyn]

Just checked out your story.

 

I agree - send it. There is nothing you can do to change the past. But if you can grow and admit your mistakes to yourself, I think surrendering that is one of the biggest things a person can do. You don't blame yourself, or get angry with yourself, you just accept it, and admit it. And you would not be sending the letter hoping or expecting forgiveness; that would be selfish. It's because you appreciate how good of a person she is/was to you, and in apologizing you are letting her know that. Those people are few and far between. Do it!

[veralyn]

p.s. this is the same as my question. but also different. boyfriends and godmothers are very different... the apology would be rooted from the same place. but i think there are far greater chances of ammends with a godmother than an ex-boyfriend she probably hopes to hear from you all the time, and would be so, so happy to receive your letter and know that her presence in your life and her efforts meant enough to you that after all this time you feel the need to send a letter. you just needed to gain some worldly perspective to realize it. unlike exes, family have some inherent lifelong bond in another dimension.......

[Capricorn3]

I think the card is a good idea. You could also use it as an opportunity to invite her to meet with you for a coffee so that you can apologize in person. Leave your address and contact number and take it from there.

 

It is never wrong to apologise for ones wrongdoing.