I'm in crisis - how do I reach out?

[Lucy__lou]

I've been a loner all my life. But now I'm starting to freak out as I realise how fragile this lack of an emotional support network is making me. Every interaction and every little thing that people around me say and do ends up being an answer to my big question, which is "do I have any friends? does anyone care about me? have I got any family?

 

It's not that I choose to be a loner. It's rare I meet someone I feel I can connect with, and when I do, I'm usually so desperate to be their friend that I end up stuffing it up somehow, because I want it too much.

 

Just this year a girl moved into my sharehouse, and I really like her. (she's straight). I feel like maybe we could be friends, like maybe we could be close. But because I want it so much, and because I have to keep it secret from her how much I like her and want to be closer to her (because she's my housemate, and because she's straight), my attempts to keep my feelings under wraps are backfiring, and I've gone and started acting crazy, and getting jealous when she's spending time with other people in the house, and doing stupid things to alienate her and the others from me, getting angry when I have to share her with the others. I was fine until she moved in, but now that she's here, suddenly I feel so lonely, and I'm so very aware of needing to have people who love me. I want her to love me. And so far, I'm acting in ways that are likely to make her not like me even as a friend.

 

I'm behaving terribly, and I've exploded 3 times now at the other housemates and accusing them of excluding me. I've turned into a crazy paranoid person. I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin what is currently a very nice and safe space, and destroy my chances of making a real friend.

 

Any advice welcome

 

Thank you

[ceez]

maybe you should apologize to your housemates and ask for a new start. then try to get out of the house as much as you can so you won't be around the new girl as much.

[stormie]

I understand how you feel. Feeling lonely means that it's time to expand yourself. You need to go out there and distract yourself with new activities. I know it's easier said than done, but for you, i'd suggest either taking courses in the evening, or better yet joining a site like link removed. The site is amazing - you'll be doing things that you like, all the while meeting other people who have your same interests

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks for the advice.

 

Just a bit more info.

I'm very busy as it is, so I don't see her that much. I'm time poor and my city isn't big enough for me to just plug into stuff, as my interests aren't really being reflected in my town. I socialize every chance I get, but that's not a lot. I've checked out link removed in my small city and nothing there interests me. I have a lot of interests outside my career (which I'd currently consuming most of my time) but I've had to put them on the backburner, and it's leaving me quite isolated.

 

As for this girl, I think about Her a lot and my main concern is that I don't let the chance to be her friend slip through my fingers. Like I said, it's rare I meet someone I feel I can connect with. I don't want to waste this opportunity.

[stormie]

well, does she feel the same way about you? Is she attracted to you, or does she see you as only a friend or a roomate that can help her pay bills?

[Lucy__lou]

well, does she feel the same way about you? Is she attracted to you, or does she see you as only a friend or a roomate that can help her pay bills?

 

Like I said, she's straight, although I'm hoping she might change.

I have no reason to think she has feelings for me, although it's tempting to think she might not be straight, because she's very butch, so I wouldn't be suprised if ever she bends.

 

I think she is or has been open to us becoming friends, but I'm destroying my chances by acting so crazy. and I know she dislikes drama and thinks that my behavior is petty. She's not very emotional.

 

And because she's all about just being chilled out, it makes me more crazy because I'm trying to hide my emotions, and my intense feelings, an then I explode.

 

And because I want to be closer to her than I am, but I'm holding back, I end up getting jealous and paranoid that she's going to become closer to the other guy we live with. I couldn't bare it if they were closer than me and her.

 

This crush on her I have feels like when I used to like guys. always going crazy over the cold unemotional ones.

[stormie]

oh lord are you in trouble. That's exactly why it's called a "crush". Be prepared to be crushed when this person starts a new relationship, etc.

 

I really don't see how else you can remove yourself out of that misery - the way you feel is the way you feel and nothing anyone posts here will realistically remove what you're feeling.

 

What I'd suggest is either for you to move out, or to keep yourself busy somehow. Would you dare tell her how you feel?

[Lucy__lou]

I told a friend last night. It was helpful to finally tell someone. A mutual friend of ours. But this friend doesn't know she's straight. Anyway, this friend suggested it might be helpful to risk telling her, if nothing but to explain my erratic behaviour. So yes, I'm considering it, but just scared of how she might react. She's told me that she can't see herself being in a relationship any time soon. I did't ask why. But I think it's just she has other focuses right now. So I'm potentially safe from having to face that for the time being.

 

I apologised again to her thus morning, and she was totally fine, and my other housemates have been incredibly patient and decent about me and my stupid explosions, which is a huge relief. So I'mhoping ghat perhaps I can find a way of telling her how I feel, in a way that doesn't create awkwardness, and hopefully she'll be flattered and fall in love with me if only in a platonic way. But past experience tells me things rarely unfold that way. As for moving out, wellI've thought if it,but it's somewhat difficult and not ideal

 

Thanks so much for listening

[Lucy__lou]

I guess I'm feeling a bit more calm now. Not sure if it will last, but my intention is to build a good strong relationship with her. The more solid we are in a friendship, and the more we understand each other, the closer, the better our friendship is, the safer this situation will be in as far as minmising risk.

 

It's when I feel like we're strangers that I stress out about my feelings. I need to build a friendhip with her do that there's something to fall back on, and so I can communicate with her more, and resolve issues faster. I need to make her more approachable so I don't just sit on my own getting paranoid.

 

I feel like this is a very important person who has come into my life, and myonly problem is that I appreciate her a little too much.

 

Being busy isn't helping. It's just causing me to spend less time building a relationshilwith her, but just as much time thinking about her

[Wayfara]

Well I can relate. A sincere connection is so rare these days so we when we meet it we panic as we so not want to slip it through our fingers. I think taking it slow and getting to know her as a friend is a good idea, and hopefully that craziness will settle down a little as you get more comfortable. I wish I had some really good advice, unfortunately I don't. But I wish you luck!

[Lucy__lou]

Well I can relate. A sincere connection is so rare these days so we when we meet it we panic as we so not want to slip it through our fingers. I think taking it slow and getting to know her as a friend is a good idea, and hopefully that craziness will settle down a little as you get more comfortable. I wish I had some really good advice, unfortunately I don't. But I wish you luck!

 

Wayfara!

 

I remember you! I haven't seen you on here since you wrote that incredible piece about that girl who was causing you a lot of anguish.

Thanks for commenting. You know, my situation reminds me a bit of yours back when you wrote that long piece, because this girl reminds me of the girl you wrote about, in that she's butch, and I've feared I'll get into a pattern where I'm the overly emotional one, getting desperate for communication and connection, and she's cold and aloof, and won't stand for such irrationality.

 

I went to my shrink today, and had a nice old chat about this girl. I've decided to aim for friendship. Be happy with just that. I'm hopeful that I can do this.

 

Anyway, I hope you're well Wayfara. I hope things have gone your way, because from what I read back when you were writing here a lot, you really deserved to get some love back, from all that you were putting out.

 

peace

[Wayfara]

I remember you too Lucy! Anyway I'm still hanging around here, trying to get up my post count once in awhile. But well, by the time I've put down any advice in writing the threads are usually no longer active lol, being concise isn't my strong point.

 

this girl reminds me of the girl you wrote about, in that she's butch, and I've feared I'll get into a pattern where I'm the overly emotional one, getting desperate for communication and connection, and she's cold and aloof, and won't stand for such irrationality.

 

We fall for the same type it seems like. You're not alone in getting fears like that, I'm guilty too. I feel for you. Relaxing is easier said than done, but I think it'll get better as you get to know her and you see she's a human with flaws and insecurities like the rest. Sorry for not having anything smart to say.

 

Do you know for sure she's straight?

 

I went to my shrink today, and had a nice old chat about this girl. I've decided to aim for friendship. Be happy with just that. I'm hopeful that I can do this.

 

Well you sound really into her, but aiming for getting more comfortable with her before you tell her anything could be a good idea. And if you see it's more of a friendship chemistry than anything else, great!

 

I would be interested to hear any updates.

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks Wayfara,

well it's early days still. In some ways I'm way into her, in others, not so much.

will keep you posted : )

[Wayfara]

well it's early days still. In some ways I'm way into her, in others, not so much.

will keep you posted : )

 

Well have fun getting to know her anyway Time will tell the rest.

[Lucy__lou]

Update

 

I told her I like her...

 

(and she confirmed she only likes me as a friend).

 

thanks for reading/listening everyone

:sad:

[stormie]

Update

 

I told her I like her...

 

(and she confirmed she only likes me as a friend).

 

thanks for reading/listening everyone

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that! But can you tell us details.. only if you want, though...

[Wayfara]

Update

 

I told her I like her...

 

(and she confirmed she only likes me as a friend).

 

thanks for reading/listening everyone

 

 

I'm sorry

 

(((HUGS)))

[Lucy__lou]

It's been a long time since I updated.

 

So here's what's happened since then.

 

As I mentioned in my last post, I told this girl that I liked her, and she rejected me. So this is how it happened.

 

After a couple of months of me enduring my desperation to get some one on one time with her I finally got it. There was a music festival on that she wanted to go to, and I said I'd go with her. We invited others, but they couldn't make it.

 

This was the big day that I could spend time with her and get to know her. It was perfect. We got a spot up the back, and the music wasn't too intrusive or loud, and this was a 10 hour festival, so that's 10 hours of us just talking. We got to know each other, both told each other about our childhoods, about our goals. We definitely got closer. We became friends on that day. But it didn't last, because she got extremely drunk. I know why she got drunk. She was grieving because 1. it was her 31st birthday weekend, which gets people sad sometimes, and also because she'd just found out she didn't get a job that she had her heart set on. I ended up having to carry her (i.e. let her lean on me and keep her from falling over) towards the end of the night, and there was about 3 hours of that babysitting. I enjoyed being closer to her, looking after her but was disappointed that she'd gotten so drunk.

 

Stupidly, I told her I liked her in the taxi on the way home. It was stupid because she was too drunk to be able to respond properly. She provoked it though, she was saying weird things like "I'm waiting! do something abnormal - I'm waiting." I didn't know what she was on about, but I took the opportunity, and I leaned over, moved her hair away from her ear and whispered "I like you." She said nothing, so I said "so... do you like me"? and she said "yes." Then the taxi arrived home, we went inside, and she went straight to her room and passed out. I told her a few days later, and she told me she didn't remember, and that she only liked me as a friend.

 

I got over her really quick. Much faster than anyone I've ever liked before. To be honest, I was put off by the way she rejected me. She was so rigid in her response. So cold. I've had my share of rejection in the past, and one thing I don't like is when people are so uncomfortable with the situation that they forget to consider your feelings. I wish I knew what was going on with her, because she didn't seem at all surprised when I told her that I liked her. Actually, what happened was that I told her what had happened in the taxi, and her first response was to confirm that I meant "as a friend." And when I told her no, she didn't show any surprise. I said "it's been obvious, right?" and she didn't answer.

 

And what pisses me off is that she just doesn't really want to acknowledge my feelings. she just wants to speed over to a place where we pretend what I've said away. And that means she doesn't have to take any responsibility for any future in-sensitivities directed at me. As long as she deletes her memory of me telling her I liked her, she can be casual and flippant about my feelings, and not factor in that I might be feeling a bit tender after the rejection, and that's exactly what she's done.

 

So I got over her, made a good effort to keep things light and be just friends, and let her know that I was up for that.

 

After a few weeks, I even asked her if she felt like going out one night (to the pub or whatever). She declined, so I decided to leave it up to her to initiate anything in the future.

 

And a few weeks later, she did initiate something. I was about to head over to Europe for a holiday, and she suggested we have a big night out on the weekend before I go. I said yes, and that was the plan. My last Saturday night before going away, and I've committed to just hanging out with her. I was really happy that she wanted to spend time with me. I cooked a nice dinner, and got ready and all that. No show. Then at 8:30 or 9:00, she emerges, not dressed, not ready, I ask her "did you still want to go out" and she says "I'm not feeling it."

 

I went to my room and cried. Couldn't look her in the eye the next day. She didn't acknowledge that she'd let me down in anyway. She seemed to think everything was fine. I left for Europe and didn't say goodbye.

 

When I got back from my trip, she asked if I wanted to go to some Cuban night, I said no thanks.

 

Then I told her how upset I was that she'd bailed on me that night. She apologised and told me that that's how her friends treat her, so for her that's normal. I explained to her that that's not ok in my world. She apologised again, and I know she meant it, and I accepted her apology, but the fact is, I know that she's just going to discard my feelings again in the future. She's just insensitive like that. She has to be told if she's hurt you, because she doesn't pick up on it, and if she does pick up on it, she doesn't ask.

 

She's like a guy. She's spent most of her life since she was a young girl, hanging out with boys, so checking in to see if someone might be hurting isn't something she does. You just get on with it and don't process anything.

 

So I thought maybe our friendship at least could be repaired, but I'm finding a problem. Because she's this kind of blokey, insensitive, casual kind of person who doesn't delve into anything to do with emotions, she just goes on as if things are ok, when they're not ok.

 

And so here she is chatting away to me when I come home at night, telling me about her new job (she got the job she wanted so badly in the end), and her new life, and telling me her fears, (basically treating me like I'm her friend - assuming that we're good still), but I just don't feel that we are anymore. I have stronger feeling for her than she does for me. I wanted to be closer to her than she does to me, and I'm having to put on a brave face, and be happy and friendly, but I still feel the disappointment.

 

I find myself not caring about the things she tells me. Before she rejected me, I would be totally and utterly interested in everything she had to say. I wanted to know all about her.

 

The thing is, we're both very different. We have similarly serious temperaments, but we disagree on almost everything, from politics, to ethics, to philosophy, to musical tastes. The only thing that would have helped us bridge our huge differences would have been a mutual attraction - sexual or not, but since she doesn't have that motive of wanting to get closer to me in spite of it, it's just silly. I feel like because I've expressed interest in her in the past, and let her know how much I like her, she feels like she can just tell me everything, and I'll be interested, but know I just don't care.

 

When she tells me that she's made some new friends, I don't care, because she could have had me in her life, (properly) and she's passed that opportunity up, so why am I supposed to be happy for her that she's made some other friends. I've never experienced this kind of thing before where I just suddenly stop caring what a person has to say.

 

I feel like I have to act interested now. I feel like I'm acting like so many stupid straight boys have acted towards me in the past. You know, like those guys who are bad at being friends with girls, and only talk to them if they are attracted to them, and then if they don't get what they want, they don't even want to be friends, and then you fell like "well I guess he never liked me afterall."

 

So I'm acting like that. But really, I don't think this girl and I are compatible as friends. Not as long as she's going to value guys more than me.

 

I get jealous when she is hanging out with the guy we both live with. She seems to enjoy his company more that me. And when I see them together, it makes me hate him, and makes me want to shut her out.

 

I really don't want to rock the boat, or cause any more drama. This is one of the most stable and nice group of people I've ever lived with. They're great, but I just can't stand being around them both. I feel affronted by the fact that she doesn't like me the best. I want to be her unequivocal favorite. If I cant' know that she is more loyal to me than him, that she values me more than him, I just don't want to be around either of them.

 

I think about her a lot. I sense that maybe on some deeper level, she really does need me. That she does want to get closer to me, but the way she's been socialised is that you just go with the flow and that friendships are a more casual thing. As long as she isn't comfortable going to a deeper, and more intense and real level with me, spending time with her, chatting about whatever, is going to feel like a bit of an act, a bit of a chore for me.

 

I find myself keeping my time around her minimal, whereas once I would do anything to get more time with her.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm watching myself be unsociable, disinterested, cold, and putting out bad unfriendly vibes. But the alternative seems to be that I just put on an act.

 

I think she probably feels bad that I don't hang out with her as much, and probably feels rejected, but I don't know if she realises that I just don't want to be social padding for her. I want her to value me, and to be willing to reach out and get closer to me.

 

I think, socially, she functions differently to me. She's all about having a group of friends around her. Like I said, social padding. People you may have chats with, but it's all pretty superficial and casual, and cerebral. Not emotional or in any way intimate.

 

Anyway, my dilemma is - do I try to play along and hide my hurt and disappointment, in order to improve the atmosphere and morale at home, or do I continue to protect my heart by keeping a distance, even if it does damage to us.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Lucy__lou]

update:

 

I just ran into the guy we both live with - (hadn't seen or spoken to him in about a week). Had a nice chat, and none of my negative feelings towards him came up, because she wasn't around.

 

I am such a crazy irrational fool! The minute she's around, I hate him, and conjure up all this BS about what a dodgy guy he is, (partly true maybe) but then when she's not around, I get along with him perfectly well. Goodwill abounds.

 

I feel so silly. I'm not used to being jealous. I don't know why I have these possessive feelings towards her.

[Wayfara]

I told her how upset I was that she'd bailed on me that night. She apologised and told me that that's how her friends treat her, so for her that's normal. I explained to her that that's not ok in my world. She apologised again, and I know she meant it, and I accepted her apology, but the fact is, I know that she's just going to discard my feelings again in the future. She's just insensitive like that. She has to be told if she's hurt you, because she doesn't pick up on it, and if she does pick up on it, she doesn't ask. *

 

I have a friend who is totally unreliable regarding time, she says she'll come in one hour but doesn't turn up until many hours later or doesn't come at all. But she's like that with everyone and she's a good friend in the other aspects, I know she isn't intentionally out to hurt me so it's more annoying than anything, but when we have a crush on someone their actions often feel more hurtful and we take what they say and do more personal. Well that doesn't mean we should let people treat us bad, we have to put limits and decide what we can put up with and what we can't put up with. With my friend I have learned to never make plans with her. If you tell her you're hurt and she does the same thing again, fill you with hopes of a big night out and bail out on you, then you know she isn't very considerate.

 

Anyway, my dilemma is - do I try to play along and hide my hurt and disappointment, in order to improve the atmosphere and morale at home, or do I continue to protect my heart by keeping a distance, even if it does damage to us.

 

Well that's a hard question. Would you be able to be satisfied with just a close friendship with her? Then maybe you could try to be friends with her and see if you grow closer, but if friendship wouldn't be enough and she's straight, then I suppose keeping distance is the best thing.

[mgirl]

Oh wow, what a drama! The good news is that you don't like her like that anymore, or do you?

[Lucy__lou]

So this is a really old thread which I posted earlier in the year. But I need to talk so thank you again to anyone who reads and has any advice.

 

Not much has changed. I've been busy, so that's partly why this issue hasn't shifted much. She's started getting closer to the guy we live with (something I said I didn't think I could handle when my crush was at its strongest, but since I've stopped caring about her as much, it's not as bad as I feared), but it still is disappointing.

 

My response has been to stay away from them when they're together, and stay away from them both more in general. I'm also a bit surprised, because when I first met her I was sure that she and I had more in common than she and him, especially in terms of temperament, and character. Part of me also thinks she’s closer to him because she’s more comfortable around guys, and doesn’t really know how to relate to women.

 

Because of things which have gone down in the past with me and this guy, I know he's not a friend I can trust and I consider him to be a mildly destructive force in my life. This all sounds a bit more dramatic than it is, but he just has a way of undermining my relationships with people. I don't think he does it consciously, but I've learned to put a distance between him and anything which is precious to me. I’ve learned that whenever there’s me him and someone else, I always end up being pushed to the margins.

 

And here's where the problem lies. I want to form a closer friendship with this girl. I want to get closer to her. I have no interest in being her causal, social padding friend for social events. I want her to be a real friend to me. I want something strong, and real. I want a her to seek my company out in a deliberate way, like just to talk, one on one.

 

At the moment, the only time she seeks out my company is if there's a music event she's interested in, and then she'll talk about how good the music is (like it's an ad), and try to get us all to come. The first time she did this, I obliged, because I could tell it was important to her, but the second time I declined, and I expect I’ll decline any future invitations to do things with her and him.

 

So this is what I want to ask anyone who might be reading this. Is there some way I can let her know that the only reason that I'm not interested in doing things with her like that is because I want something more substantial, I want to get to know her better one on one. I don't want to be her social padding. It doesn't feel good. And I don't want to be around her when the other guy is there.

 

Can I do or say anything that will let her know that I don't want to be around her and him at the same time? am I being divisive?

 

The way it is now, he's around the house the most. He's the most sociable. And when he's around, she pays more attention to him than me and that isn't fun. I'd rather be alone than be around her paying more attention to him than me.

 

But I don’t want her to think I’m rejecting her outright. I want her to understand that the way she’s going about things doesn’t work for me, but how do I let her know I want something more? It seems kind of inappropriate.

[lukeb]

If you were truly honest you'd admit that you are not actually interested in friendship with this woman. You are not interested in forming a closer stronger friendship, and her boyfriend is preventing you from doing that. It is more likely you are attracted to her. I don't really see the boyfriend as undermining the relationships you have with people.

 

You have a crush or are in love with someone who is straight, that more than anything is probably undermining the relationships you have with other people. Right now you are probably not interested in relationships with other people. Keeping busy will help a little keeping your mind off of this, but won't really deal with the problem.

[JazzTheme]

You mentioned her inviting you to music events, but have you tried inviting her anywhere? Do you know what other shared interests you might have? Try to take a more active role in being alone with her. But don't expect anything to happen that she wouldn't want to happen.

 

The most important thing is keeping your expectations in check. Think about why you would be jealous of her boyfriend if what you want is just friendship. It's possible that you want a deep friendship with her, and you're not really sure of your own boundaries; there are a lot of people like that. But it's also possible that you're falling for her. I think which one it is will become more obvious to you in time.

[Lucy__lou]

If you were truly honest you'd admit that you are not actually interested in friendship with this woman.

Thanks Luke. This is the kind of blunt honesty I need to hear, because I'm not sure I'm being clear headed or objective here

her boyfriend is preventing you from doing that.

I'm not sure where you got the impression that they're going out. There's nothing going on between them. We're all housemates. They're just friends.

It is more likely you are attracted to her.

Ok, that's interesting. Maybe I am... that would explain why I'm bothering to write about her, and why I think about her as much as I do...

I don't really see the boyfriend as undermining the relationships you have with people.

I'm having difficulty being objective, because I know I've been jealous of him, and I know that's about me, not him, but he has betrayed me in the past (before I ever met this woman). I've learned on a number of occasions that he is not a friend. We get along pretty well sometimes, but I haven't forgotten what he's done in the past. I don't have any interest in ever being friends with him, and I have made a decision to try to keep a distance between him and any future relationships. Obviously I can't do that with this particular Woman because we all live together, but for friends and relationships I may form with other people, I will be putting a distance in there. That starts with not socialising with him out of the house.

 

You have a crush or are in love with someone who is straight, that more than anything is probably undermining the relationships you have with other people.

yeah, it's not helping. I guess it has amplified my negaitive feelings towards this guy. They were always there but this has definitely made them more prominent

Right now you are probably not interested in relationships with other people. Keeping busy will help a little keeping your mind off of this, but won't really deal with the problem.

Hmm. So how do I deal with the problem?

and what is the problem from your perspective anyway?

Is the problem that I still have more feelings for this woman than I'm admitting to myself?

and that I'm deluding myself into thinking I just want a stronger friendship to explain it?

Is the problem that I'm being overly suspicious of the guy we live with and that I should give him a break?

Should I force myself to hang out with the two of them more, to try and get over it?

Should I turn a blind eye to the fact that this guy has lost my trust and respect, and just force myself to be friends with him?

 

I'm feeling pretty vulnerable where relationships/friendships are involved. I don't really have any friends, and it's very important to me that anyone I do become friends with is loyal to me, and that I can trust them, and that they won't take me for granted.

 

Right now, the only person I know will treat me with the kindness I need is me. This is why I think about this stuff so much, like trying to determine whether I can get this girl to make the effort to be friends with me in a one on one context. If she's only interested in hanging out with me in a group, then she's not the kind of friend I need.

 

People have always treated me worse in groups than anyone ever has one on one. I think I have a phobia of people in groups larger than one.

 

Thanks for the insight Luke. (And of course, any further advice is welcome).

 

 

You mentioned her inviting you to music events, but have you tried inviting her anywhere? Do you know what other shared interests you might have? Try to take a more active role in being alone with her.

That sounds like a good approach. We don't have much in common I guess. She's into what she's into, and I'm into what I'm into. And she's more interested in doing things as a group it seems. I guess she's not interested in trying to get one on one time with me. But I worry that maybe she's assuming that I won't be put off by the presence of the others. (There's the guy, and another girl here). I think maybe if she knew that the group stuff is going to alienate me, (especially with him) she might give the one on one thing more importance. She knows that my relationship with him isn't all roses. But I think when it comes to 'family outings' she has conveniently forgotten, or perhaps she doesn't know that I've decided to keep him out of my personal life where possible.