Can't stop thinking about him

[confused.p]

I'm very frustrated with myself right now because I want to be okay and I'm just not. I feel abandoned and I keep breaking down and crying about it which makes me feel even worse. Is it so insane to hope for him to call me? I just can't understand why someone would go from ALWAYS returning your calls to not returning calls after a week+ I know he didn't want to be too serious with me but DAMN! What a harsh way of showing it!

 

Now I can't stop thinking about him, I never should have allowed the relationship to go so far knowing he didn't want serious, but I felt like I could really love this person so the rejection hurts so much more than it should after only a few months with someone.

 

I'm not sure if this is the right category to post in with this problem but there's no category for "Unable to stop weeping over your feelings of total abandonment and rejection" so I settled for "dating" 'cause my problem is basically... There's no one else I WANT to date. I went out with a girlfriend of mine last night and I just couldn't wait to go home I felt miserable. Maybe it's just too soon but I don't want another guy, I want the guy I thought I already had.

 

If someone is super friendly and wants to hang out with you when you call them etc. then they just one day stop calling, what do you think the chances are of them ever coming back? (Yes I know, accept it and move on... know I can do better and work on improving myself etc...) But seriously, all that aside, isn't it possible that he really IS a nice guy who just needed to "disappear" for awhile?

 

A little background - I've basically been ignoring the fact that he didn't want a real relationship and I think I pushed him away with this, but I've been NC for a week. I want him to know I DO respect his feelings but I really feel like if we'd met under different circumstances it would have worked out. Right guy at the wrong time?

 

Sorry for the rant, thank you to anyone still reading this I really need help.

[Ms Darcy]

I wonder if on some level you didn't want to be abandoned subconsciously? I know for people who dont have abandonment issues, if a guy said that he didnt want to be serious, she'd run very quickly to the door.

[confused.p]

That's very interesting, and something I never thought of. But I don't really think that it's the case. At least I hope not.. Although I do maybe have a little issue with abandonment (doubtless from some tiny seemingly unimportant childhood experience lol) I just really felt like there was a connection from the first time I met him and I could feel he was into me. I guess I expected too much from him but I really expected it to develop into something great. I definitely did NOT expect him to flake out on such a massive scale.

[confused.p]

Then again, I'm not entirely sure I know what you mean by abandonment issues... maybe I did do it to myself I'm just so confused and lost right now.

[Traveler27]

I'm a bit confused. How often were you seeing each other before he suddenly stopped contacting you, and were you sleeping together?

[confused.p]

We saw each other usually a few times a week. Some weeks more, some weeks less, and usually at least talking to each other on the phone/texting every couple of days. This had been going on and gradually growing to this point for 3-4 months. And yes, we were sleeping together.

[Traveler27]

Well first of all I think your feelings are completely natural and healthy. You felt close with this person and even though you were seeing each other for just 3-4 months, you can still develop strong feelings and become "attached" to someone - particularly if you were sleeping together which naturally makes us (specifically women) feel close and more intimate with someone.

 

There is no way of knowing why he pulled away so suddenly without explanation. I dated someone a few months back who did something similar, but it was even more of a shock to me because he had been professing deep love and even asked me to marry him! Perhaps this guy started to panic because he felt the relationship was getting too "heavy". In any event, he sounds like a coward and you deserve better then to be left hanging with no explanation from him. That is extremely immature and cruel. I hope things will work out for you. I know it's difficult to stop thinking about him, so just allow yourself to have these feelings.

[confused.p]

Wow, I'm sorry that you had to deal with something like this too, it sucks alright but you seem to really have the right attitude about it. thanks for your input. I know I should just accept his need to disappear and stop hoping he'll reappear because ultimately we're not a perfect match. That abandonment theory is starting to really sound right on and if that's the case then maybe I should just take a break from dating to get straightened out.

[DN]

I think disappearing on you like that and refusing contact was a crappy thing to do and he should be ashamed of himself - there is zero excuse for that. Even if he felt pressured by you he should have said why he was leaving.

 

So it is understandable why you feel abandoned - because you were. But that says far more about him than about you. You own your behaviours not his.

[Ms Darcy]

We saw each other usually a few times a week. Some weeks more, some weeks less, and usually at least talking to each other on the phone/texting every couple of days. This had been going on and gradually growing to this point for 3-4 months. And yes, we were sleeping together.

 

I think now is the time to really think about what you have learned from this experience. It's done now, so what can you learn from it? What will you do differently in the future?