My List...

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I...

-Know it's over and you've moved on.

-Wish I could do the same.

-Can't help that I am still in love with you, or at least, my idea of who you were.

-Don't know how you expected me to move on like it never mattered.

-Hate that your one of a kind.

-Hate how you ended it.

-Hate the way you made me feel about myself.

-Know that we'll probably never speak again.

-Don't know why I am making this list.

-Just want to know that it meant something to you.

-Can't stand that I still need this site.

-Am thankful for everyone on this site.

-Can still hear your cold cold words in my head.

-Want to feel sane again.

-Learned the hard way.

-Know you were scared.

-Can't stand that i'll never have closure.

-Wish we had one more chance.

-Miss you.

-Know part of me will always love you.

-Scared my life will never be the same.

-Am angry at myself for giving you so much control over me.

-Need to move on.

-Need to live my life.

-Can't feel anything.

-Can't get over you.

[jettison]

I...

-Know it's over and you've moved on.

You're right on that one.

 

-Wish I could do the same.

You can. It's a choice. It's like you're at the edge of a cliff with a bungy rope around your waist, and everyone is screaming for you to jump, but you've got the death grip on the bridge.

 

-Can't help that I am still in love with you, or at least, my idea of who you were.

Well put because you're not in love with her at all. You're obsessed with her. Being obsessed with her means that you don't have to focus as much on yourself, your shortcomings, and the rest of your life. You bury your thoughts and energy into the graveyard, and then you aren't forced to smell all those risky flowers out there.

 

-Don't know how you expected me to move on like it never mattered.

Permanence is not romantic. It's the anti-romance. Permanent implies ownership. When a thing is owned it is dead. In the very best relationships, couples are able to lend themselves enough of an illusion of freedom that it just works. But should that illusion ever completely evaporate, the passion will always evaporate along with it. She expected you to move on because there is simply not another choice.

 

-Hate that your one of a kind.

 

-Hate how you ended it.

 

You could never enjoy how a lover ends it with you when it's their choice. There is no right or best way to do it. How does the song go? 50 Ways To Leave your lover. Eventually, in one way or another, be it physically or mentally, people leave their lovers. And the great charade is that we are so talented and adept at convincing ourselves that that isn't true. We are beautiful, as humans, in the way we are able to misunderstand things in gorgeous ways.

 

 

-Hate the way you made me feel about myself.

She did no such thing. You did that. You felt a certain way about yourself, and she exposed your insecurity. But in a sense, you should thank her. When your insecurities are finally exposed, as long as you are able to just let them see the light of day and not repress them, you will be allowed to grow and eventually move beyond them. She is a godsend in that way if you let her be.

 

-Know that we'll probably never speak again.

You will again when it ceases to be such an awe-inspiring, all-encompassing big deal. Then, magically, the Universe would make it so you could speak again.

 

-Don't know why I am making this list.

Therapy.

 

-Just want to know that it meant something to you.

Of course you did. And when she starts to mean a little less to you then the strange paradigm shows itself, and she will remember what you meant to her. But first, she needs all the space to breath.

 

-Can't stand that I still need this site.

"People who need people are the most beautiful people in the world." Admitting you need anything at all is no shame. It means you're human. Be strong with exposing your weaknesses because then they become no weakness at all.

 

-Can still hear your cold cold words in my head.

I have a pretty recent ex whose words still echo in my head a little bit. Eventually though, you come to understand that they are only words. They don't mean anything. And when you love yourself enough, people can't hurt you like that anymore no matter what they say to you.

 

-Want to feel sane again.

"Anxiety is a fundamental state of being." Life is all about managing it.

 

-Learned the hard way.

The lesson learn is to realize that you shouldn't learn a lesson from it. What you should take from it is better and better ways of dealing with loss and speed bumps. This is where we find our wisdom. Without these pitfalls, we could never become wise people. Don't learn to close your heart. Do learn to open it even more, but in ways that show off your love for yourself more then your need for your lover.

 

-Know you were scared.

Of course she was. No one can live up to the expectations of a lover they know wouldn't leave them no matter what. Once you realize that you're not capable of leaving someone romantically, you know you've lost yourself. There should always be expectations and consequences. Love your self every step of the way.

 

-Can't stand that i'll never have closure.

 

Hard pill to swallow. No such thing as closure though. It's a lover's myth. In that case, you're in the same boat here with everyone. Did you think you'd be the only one to get a life raft from this Titanic? It's sink or swim for every one of us.

 

-Wish we had one more chance.

You do. You have an infinite amount of chances right in front of you with an infinite amount of beautiful women and souls who are just looking for some guy that shows her that he loves himself. Take care of yourself! Make yourself and your life a beautiful garden. When you do that, and it's obvious for anyone to see how much you adore your life and what's inside you, anyone and everyone will want to visit that garden.

 

-Miss you.

Everyone seems to want to hear that from everyone in the world... except from the ex they dumped. It's guilt thing. Funny how life works like that.

 

-Know part of me will always love you.

 

 

 

-Scared my life will never be the same.

It won't, ever. And then when it gets "normal" again, it will change again. And again, and again, and again. And life is ALL about learning to embrace and even fall in love with that change. And until you can do just that, you will always suffer inside. This should be your biggest quest.

 

-Am angry at myself for giving you so much control over me.

Yes and no. Yes because you when you throw yourself at someone's feet, know it's to be walked on. No because relinquishing control of that illusion that you actually have control... over anything... over anyone, is huge.

 

-Need to move on.

And never stop. Always "move on". Keep your past lovers in your heart if you can stand it, and if you can't them put them on a shelf, in a jar, for safe keeping. Revisit that jar someday when your heart is fluttering with a new love.

 

-Need to live my life.

You are, even right now, even writing this. You can never stop it. You are living. Don't doubt that. Don't tell yourself that you are suppose to be anyone else.

 

-Can't feel anything.

Better said, you'd like to not feel anything right now because it's scary.

 

-Can't get over you.

Can't for now. But you will with 103% certainty.