Would you go out with or marry someone with a disability?

[Seraphim]

Post 47 was not mine

[hockeyboy]

^ sorry, you're right. I'm mixing up ena members.

 

but my POV remains the same.

 

I guess to answer your actual question, I'd be a "maybe." Because not all disabilities would be deal breakers for me, but some would.

[Ms Darcy]

It's really difficult to say yes or no because it depends on the disability, how well I know the person, and how much attraction I feel towards the other person.

[Kaiser_Soze]

I'm sorry but I gotta call bs on some of the "Yes" answers without knowing the disability. I get the feeling some, not all, are saying yes to be Politically Correct or maybe they would like to think that they would, when in fact they wouldn't. I am not saying anyone who says they would is lying, but I doubt the actual number is as high as indicated by the poll. I have seen people on this forum reject people because they live with their parents, are unemployed, are tacky dressers, or any number of weak excuses. Now I'm supposed to believe that those same people would be willing to accept someone that has Leprosy or Cerebral Palsy as their one and only partner for life. I sincerely doubt it. I can say that I would marry someone with a disability as long as the person either a) Became disabled after we were already in love or b) it did not detract from our ability to lead a relatively normal life. I am not going to pretend that I would try and intentionally romance a paraplegic. Not going to happen. If that makes me shallow, so be it. I would rather be upfront and honest about who I am, than try and come accross as someone I'm not.

[tiredofvampires]

Post #47.

 

Or were you saying I'm shallow for my preferences, i.e. not dating taller women?

 

If so, and I say, I don't want to date women in wheelchairs...what does that make me?

 

My reasoning for that, there are things I enjoy doing, such as hiking, that a person in a wheelchair wouldn't be able to do with me. So I wouldn't want to date someone in a wheelchair because of that.

 

At the same time...I wouldn't want to date someone not in a wheelchair if they just didn't enjoy being outside doing those types of things.

 

I don't think that makes me shallow. I think that's just me realizing how I lead my life, what I enjoy, what I want my partner to enjoy with me.

 

Post #47 was mine.

 

This was what I was responding to, when I called you shallow:

 

So if I don't want to date a girl that is taller then me....because I don't like dating taller women, am I shallow?

 

Please follow this up, hockeyboy, by reading post #106. It's a bit longer, but I have elaborated more on this, in that post.

 

And this is what it concludes with:

 

I will also add that I don't feel it's at all shallow to want a partner who doesn't have a disability of ANY remarkable kind. And it's not shallow for someone to seek a person who shares their passions and lifestyle; so if someone envisioned sharing a lifestyle with their partner as part of their happiness and a dating prospect was disabled in a way that would preclude that dream, I would respect that as a dealbreaker. That's legit and not shallow. So for example here, where people come to live for the outdoors -- to scuba dive, hike, surf, etc. -- many singles are looking for partners who can do these things with them, and so such men would have to pass on me. If that's so important to them. I would have to wait for the guy who can do those things without a partner, do them with other buddies, or who actually prefers the things I can share with him. I consider it totally reasonable that someone would say to me they need a rugged hiking and camping freak just like them, and to deselect me for this reason.

 

It's not shallow to not want to make special efforts to be with a person who has some sort of physical or mental challenge. Nor do I call it discrimination, nor do I feel the word "discrimination" belongs in the dating world, all due respect to Habs. Treating someone fairly and equally regardless of ability/disability does not translate into the personal framework of wanting to spend your life with them on an intimate basis.

 

Of course, the argument could be, "What's the difference between not wanting to date someone taller and someone in a wheelcheer? Either way, it's a preference."

 

And what I'm saying is that a preference is not a preference is not a preference, because not all things are created equal. You can artificially propose that, for the sake of argument, but in reality, being shorter does not affect the activities you do together, the quality of the relationship, daily limitations of living, medical expenses, perhaps even in serious cases, life expectancy and many, many other factors that make a disability often (not always, but usually) much more life-altering than just being a couple of inches too tall. I don't particularly like branding anyone "shallow", but I believe there is a graduated scale of "things that impact a relationship" and "things that are inconsequential to a relationship", and that scale puts things that affect health, livelihood, finances, emotional and psychological health of the relationship at the former end of that scale, and things that are nothing but a pure taste preference at the other end of the scale. This end, I call "shallow", for shorthand, because they are relative frivolities when you look at the functioning of an entire relationship.

 

Bottom line is, there is a lot to consider dating/marrying someone with a disability in most cases, and so I don't take such a decision "lightly". And therefore, it's not shallow in my opinion.

 

Incidentally, I'm not in a wheelchair, but I can't do anything incredibly sporty, hockeyboy. I love long walks and enjoy swimming, but I can't do things that demand a lot of exertion with my joints and muscles, and my stamina is poor. So this goes to show that some disabilities would probably be dealbreakers (it seems?) for you even without making examples of wheelchairs or total incapacitation.

[hockeyboy]

^ thanks for the well written, thought out post, which made things much clearer. I agree with what you're saying.

[tiredofvampires]

I'm sorry but I gotta call bs on some of the "Yes" answers without knowing the disability. I get the feeling some, not all, are saying yes to be Politically Correct or maybe they would like to think that they would, when in fact they wouldn't. I am not saying anyone who says they would is lying, but I doubt the actual number is as high as indicated by the poll.

 

I think you have a point, Kaiser. I've thought about this thread a lot in the last day or so, because it's particularly personally relevant to me. And the reason I responded with "yes" is because if I'm just responding to the question "WOULD YOU marry/date someone who had a disability, is that an acceptable notion to you?", my answer is simply yes. That disability in and of itself is acceptable to me, when I consider what I would be able to incorporate into my life.

 

I think it separates the people who do not want any part of dealing with disability from people who are willing to face a challenge like that. That's just a rough "take", of the question.

 

If I start to slice it more thin, even I can admit that I would not date someone who has Down's Syndrome, because I do need conversation and the meeting of minds in a relationship, and I couldn't do that with someone with this disorder. Cerebral palsy is a slightly different matter -- intellectually, they are as sharp as anyone else. I was at a disabilities conference years ago, and an Australian filmmaker and screenplay writer named Heather Rose (now deceased) was visiting to show and talk about her film. She was in a wheelchair with cerebral palsy and was communicating by computer to us. Anyway, in the film, ("Dance Me To My Song" -- you might want to watch this, Vic), which is autobiographical, a man falls in love with her and becomes her lover -- a normal, able-bodied man who I have to add was GORGEOUS. This real guy played the part in the movie, as her bf. He loved her sense of humor, her spirit, her sensuality, her intelligence. That definitely makes him "not shallow", lol. And I wouldn't call him "shallow" if he had never taken this kind of liking/loving to her. But it does show what is possible and what happens out there.

 

This man is someone who would have voted "yes" in this poll. I did so because I'm willing to work with the givens of many types of disability. Some, I could not, as I said -- like Down's Syndrome, because mental connection IS a must for me, whether they are disabled or not. I've met a lot of normal, healthy men though that I would have as much trouble relating to as someone with Down's Syndrome, we'd think so differently. And that's not a joke. I'm serious.

[Kaiser_Soze]

TOV, as always well said and I completely agree. I was married someone who later was diagnosed with a disability and I never once considering the possibility of leaving. Life was hard at times, but love can support tremendous weight.

[tiredofvampires]

TOV, as always well said and I completely agree. I was married someone who later was diagnosed with a disability and I never once considering the possibility of leaving. Life was hard at times, but love can support tremendous weight.

 

Completely.

 

Though, it's one thing for a partner to develop a disability along the way (once a couple has history and intact love), but it's another thing to commit to someone who has a pre-existing condition from the outset.

 

That's harder I think for most people to think of doing. Understandably.

 

Which is why it's tough going into dating knowing this.

[Rose21]

It depends on the TYPE/severity of the disability.

 

I clicked yes on the poll, but what do you mean by that?

 

If it was something like bi-polar, epilepsy etc.

 

I have Dyscaculia/ADHD. Learning disabilities, does that count?

 

I don't find anything wrong with me other than in the math/directional/technical department, and neither does my bf.

 

Now if it was something ceberal palsey, down syndrome, I don't know if I could do that level.

 

Besides I'm happy with who I'm with.

 

I also have anxiety, mild OCD. I choose to take medicine, and I admit I can get a little crazy/emotional at times, yet my boyfriend puts up with it and loves me just the same.

 

If my boyfriend was in the same situation/circumstances at me, I wouldn't be put off.

[WomanWriter]

TBH, it depends on the disability. If it's a physical handicap, I can live with it. But if it's a mental problem that requires extensive adjustment on my part, probably not.

 

If a guy was depressed or anxious, etc. and was working it out with therapy, I could do that. My current guy has issues but he is aware of them, at least, and willing to get help, even though it's still hard...so it is something I can handle for the time being...but if someone had a serious disability that was permanent and they had no intention of doing anything about it, I couldn't handle it. Now, if my partner of several years developed Alzheimers or Parkinsons...something like that...and they couldn't help it, I would definitely not leave them because I would feel I have a responsibility towards them. But I would not initially become involved with someone who I could not interact with at, at least an average level. I just don't think I'm emotionally strong enough at this point. I would like to grow in this area, though.

 

More power to those of you that do it, though...!!!