No matter what I try I cannot stop resenting my step-daughter and my husband's responsibilities.

[aporia14]

I have a wonderful and sweet step-daughter but my husband and I are having financial issues and I am pretty much supporting him and his daughter, who lives with her mother out-of-state. My husband is very committed to his daughter and it is unfortunate that everything requires money we don't have and sacrifices I am tired of making.

 

I plan to separate our finances completely and have him be solely responsible for everything concerning his daughter, but he feels like this will bring a rift between us emotionally as he is the one managing our finances.

 

I don't want to be petty about every cent we spend on his daughter but I do get upset and resentful. Is there any way to overcome these feelings of resentment, jealousy, frustration and anger? Will it ever get better or am I forcing something that isn't right for me?

[Seraphim]

Why did you marry a man with a child he had to support if you feel resentful? Did you think it was not going to impact your relationship in some manner?

[pumpkinmoon]

I don't blame you. Isn't the mother supporting the child? How old is the child?

[Seraphim]

I don't blame you. Isn't the mother supporting the child? How old is the child?

 

The father still has to pay child support regardless what the mother makes. Fact of life. You create a child be prepared to pay.

[XxJustMexX]

Why are you resenting the step-daughter? It isn't her fault that her dad decided to make her, and now has to support her... If anything this is between you and your husband and has nothing to do with his daughter...

[BellaDonna]

My husband is very committed to his daughter and it is unfortunate that everything requires money we don't have and sacrifices I am tired of making.

 

What is being paid for? Overall child support that provides food, clothing, other necessities, or are we talking about unnecessary expenses, like trips to Disney World?

 

There is a big difference.

 

The general child support is vital, as well as his role in his daughte'r life, but if he is agreeing to pay for things above and beyond child support that are frivilous and that enable her mother not to contribute then that is problematic.

 

If you are having financial issues all frivilous spending needs to be monitored. He needs to set boundaries and know how to stand up to his ex if she makes unreasonable requests.

 

Regardless, never blame the daughter- it is not her fault. (Unless she is close to adulthood and going behind your back asking for spending money for frivilous things)

[pumpkinmoon]

The father still has to pay child support regardless what the mother makes. Fact of life. You create a child be prepared to pay.

 

I know but the OP said that she is supporting her husband and his child. It's not right IMO.

[anggrace]

Does he not have a job? I can see how having to be the one doing all of the contributing could become an issue. Is this the case? You are doing ALL of the contributing? Just want to be clear.

[Seraphim]

I know but the OP said that she is supporting her husband and his child. It's not right IMO.

 

When you marry someone with a child support payment, your income is now ALSO taken into consideration for that payment in many cases. If people want no part of that they should not marry someone with kids. The issue here is she is supporting her husband, that might be the biscuit boiler.

 

OP, think of it this way, you have a daughter you get divorced. Your ex husband remarries and his new wife now resents your daughter and his child care payment. How would you feel about that?

 

Third it does not matter if the mother makes $1000 a year or $250,000 a year the father IS RESPONSIBLE for child care as well. A child is created by TWO people.

[aporia14]

When you marry someone with a child support payment, your income is now ALSO taken into consideration for that payment in many cases. If people want no part of that they should not marry someone with kids. The issue here is she is supporting her husband, that might be the biscuit boiler.

 

OP, think of it this way, you have a daughter you get divorced. Your ex husband remarries and his new wife now resents your daughter and his child care payment. How would you feel about that?

 

Third it does not matter if the mother makes $1000 a year or $250,000 a year the father IS RESPONSIBLE for child care as well. A child is created by TWO people.

 

He has been mostly unemployed for the past 3 years. He hasn't been able to find a job. Within the past year or two he has been working part-time. This isn't entirely his fault...it is just the economy. There was a period that I was umemployed for several months and I had to take a job making a lot less. He refused to adjust his expenses and child support. Instead he spent all of my life savings.

 

When I married him I assumed that I would have much more of an input than his guilt. But, I know now that I do not. He makes excuses for her mother. His daughter is 15. And he accept the fact that the mother uses the entire child support for bills. Each time we see his daughter there is always something she needs/wants.

 

The huge difference between me and his ex-wife is that I would probably despise my ex-husband so much that I would want him to be involved as little as possible. She is dependent on him.

 

Look, I don't need anyone to make me feel worse about all this. I need help on how to deal with my feelings. If you don't have any positive advice please stop telling me I should have known better.

[DN]

"For richer, for poorer"

[itsallgrand]

He is the one managing the finances solely?

 

I think you need to be doing it together.

 

Does he not realize that this is already causing an emotional rift btw the two of you?

 

I see this with the man my mom is with (not married but they live together). He has a 15 yr old who lives with her mom, but he pulls the bulk of expenses. And it's a lot with a 15 year old, cause it's not just need - a lot of it is a teenager girl stuff and the guilt of a dad being played into.

 

Maybe he also fears losing his daughter, since she has lived with the mom.

[agent1607307371]

He has been mostly unemployed for the past 3 years. He hasn't been able to find a job. Within the past year or two he has been working part-time. This isn't entirely his fault...it is just the economy. There was a period that I was umemployed for several months and I had to take a job making a lot less. He refused to adjust his expenses and child support. Instead he spent all of my life savings. When I married him I assumed that I would have much more of an input than his guilt. But, I know now that I do not. He makes excuses for her mother. His daughter is 15. And he accept the fact that the mother uses the entire child support for bills. Each time we see his daughter there is always something she needs/wants.

 

 

 

No, that is unacceptable and I completely see why you want to get him out of your finances. I think it's sad that he seems to be playing the "if you separate our money, I won't love you as much" card. I fail to see why he is in charge of the finances if he's not bringing anything in.

 

I recognise that he needs to be supporting his daughter, but that should not be done by ruining you. He needs to recognise the situation for what it is and sort out the amount he's paying.

[Seraphim]

Your argument is with him and his not lowering "HIS" standards to get a decent means of employment where he can cover his responsibilities. I do not believe the economy is SO bad in 3 years he can not get decent employment. It is just employment HE does not want. THAT is where your problem is. The "positive" advice is to take your ire out where it belongs.

[Iceman26]

He is the one managing the finances solely?

 

I think you need to be doing it together.

 

 

110% agree. I think most people would feel resentful if they were the ones making the money and someone else was spending it. Naturally, you are looking to where the money is going to and can't help but feel resentful. I can understand that.

 

However, this is an issue that really needs to be worked out with your husband. The first step is to start managing the finances together.

[DN]

link removed

[Hermes]

Hello Aporia:

 

I seem to recall another thread or threads opened by you on this topic. I think you were feeling that this marriage was not going to work out, not just because of the step-daughter issue. Yes?

 

Hermes

[Hermes]

It is just employment HE does not want. THAT is where your problem is. The "positive" advice is to take your ire out where it belongs.

 

This is at the heart of the matter, Aporia.

 

You are bound to be feeling resentful, and IMO it is important you get that resentment accross to HIM.

 

Hermes

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree that it is the unemployment that is the issue here. If I recall, he was a professor who quit his job to do something else and that something else never materialized. Most professors don't just quit, just like that, without really having a secure future lined up...I think there is something more to him no longer being a professor...given that he hasn't really worked in three years or is working at menial jobs and is quite happy spending your savings I think there is something more going on with him.