How Do I Salvage This Growing Relationship?

[RestlessNights]

I started dating this girl about 3 weeks ago. We met through the Doctor I used to visit as she was his health care tech/nurse. One day my Mom came back from an appointment and she told me that the tech thought I was cute. I happened to have an appointmet on her last day in the office, and I gave her my number. A week or so later, she came out with one of her gal friends to a party I had won at a local bar. Apparently, her friend noted it that night that I liked her before I had even asked her out one on one.

 

Needless to say, I got her BBM address from her and we started texting. We hit it off and we finally decide to go out. Our first date got pushed back b/c she had to rush her son to the ER, but no worries. We went out the next week with a group, and I wound up spending the night (nothing happened besides snuggling/cuddling/talking). By the 3rd date, I finally made the move to kiss her and she reciprocated. I thought things were going really, REALLY well but it looks like I was wrong.

 

She is a single mom of 2, and has full time school, a sick Dad, sick Grandmother, an ex husband, and other drama to deal with right now. She's also about 5 years old than I (I'm 25, she's 30). About a week ago, she tells me that she can't see me during the week b/c of all the responsibilities she has to accomplish. I tell her no problem, I will work with her schedule because I want to be with her. So, we go out last weekend twice (including me taking her and her 2 kids to the Yankees/Rangers game for the day) and I think things are going great.

 

I text her on Monday morning and I tell her that she is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Later that afternoon, I get a novel of a text from her saying that she just cannot be in a serious relationship right now. She says that I deserve more/better than her. She claims that she still wants to date me, but she can't be serious with me right now b/c of all the things happening in her life at once. The claim is she is overwhelmed. She also has a lot of armor up b/c the last serious relationship she had was with her ex husband and it did not end amicably between husband and wife.

 

I tried to tell her not to worry, that I wanted to be with her at her pace but that I wasn't going to be a casual hookup. We both admit that we have more than a friendship.

 

I don't know what to do. We're supposed to go out tonight or Saturday. We have been texting all week still, so it isn't like she's blowing me off. However, it does seem like there's more of a "distance" between us since Monday.

 

My dilemma is simple: Do I let my desire to be in a committed, serious relationship outweight my desire to be with her? I do honestly believe that something is there between her and I. Also, how do I try and reignite the spark that we had 3 weeks ago, as it seems like she's trying to pull away just b/c she's scared...

 

Sorry to make my first post a novel, but I figured details were needed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think that you are going to be majorly hurt by her and you should steer clear. She is all over the map..spends the night with you (where were her children while you were over there?), introduces you to her children so quickly etc. She is not thinking and now she is pulling back.

[mmmd]

why in god's name are you taking out her kids within 3 weeks of meeting her

[soporcogitavi]

seriously, stay clear of this, this has major issues written all over it. I know sometimes we're blind when we're living the situation, but you have to get out of this, for your own good and hers.

[RestlessNights]

I appreciate all the honest advice/answers. Believe me, they hurt...LOL...but as they say...the truth hurts, right?

 

Do you think things progressed too quickly at first, and that's why she's retreating?

 

I'm honestly just very, very confused. I feel like I need to have a face-to-face with her instead of just talking over text messages. I don't know if I want to end it all just yet or just change the current course projection.

 

Seriously, I've never been this confused before...haha...

[soporcogitavi]

I appreciate all the honest advice/answers. Believe me, they hurt...LOL...but as they say...the truth hurts, right?

 

Do you think things progressed too quickly at first, and that's why she's retreating?

 

I'm honestly just very, very confused. I feel like I need to have a face-to-face with her instead of just talking over text messages. I don't know if I want to end it all just yet or just change the current course projection.

 

Seriously, I've never been this confused before...haha...

 

I dont think your situation is a result of things progressing too quickly, rather I think its more the fact that she probably has way too many complications going on in her life and is unsure of what she really wants, and I dont think you want to get involved with it.

 

Yes you definitely need to speak face to face. The only possible solution I can think of is that you just have fun with this, but make it clear, and dont get involved with personal side, ie. taking her kids out, etc...

[waveseer]

If you are willing to settle for the nth spot on her priority list that makes her wonder about you. Why would you not chose someone who would make you at least third on theirs?

[RestlessNights]

Yes you definitely need to speak face to face. The only possible solution I can think of is that you just have fun with this, but make it clear, and dont get involved with personal side, ie. taking her kids out, etc...

 

Spoken like a wise dater...

 

I guess I'm nervous too. I get attached way too quickly in situations like this (like I already have, haha...). I told her that I wouldn't be friends with benefits though, I don't believe in it as I believe there will always be emotion involved in at least one party. In this case, it appears to be me.

 

Her and I, as I said, are supposed to go out tomorrow night. I don't know if I can wait for tomorrow though and am wondering if I should try and talk with her tonight prior to going out on a date tomorrow...

 

The thing is, I always give myself to other people. I want them to come to me for help, esp on the personal side of things, because I can tell she is a good person. ARGH!!!! LOL. So confused...I think I need to step away from the computer, out of my house, and go find a place to meditate/relax.

[RestlessNights]

If you are willing to settle for the nth spot on her priority list that makes her wonder about you. Why would you not chose someone who would make you at least third on theirs?

 

Interesting and valid.

 

I think it boils down that her and I need a face-to-face, sober, open, and honest communication before going forward in any direction.

 

And me sitting around worrying about it is of no help to the matter...

[soporcogitavi]

I hear ya man, I have similar tendencies, in that when I find someone Im really into, I can tend to get attached quickly. I think its due to the fact that I am very picky and I know what I want, so when I see it I go after it. However, the feeling is much more satisfying when both parties have the same level of interest, and im not sure thats the case here.

 

I would say if you want to talk to her tonight and its bothering you, just go for it, whats the worst she says she's busy and can only see you tomorrow.

[waveseer]

Interesting and valid.

 

I think it boils down that her and I need a face-to-face, sober, open, and honest communication before going forward in any direction.

 

And me sitting around worrying about it is of no help to the matter...

 

I am in a similar set of circumstances as her's. Ideally, a man who's interested in me would be able to hang out at my place, get along with whoever happens to be there, understand that my attention will be divided, and add cheer and levity to often stressful moments. If I try to offer more then I have my priorities out of order.

[RestlessNights]

I am in a similar set of circumstances as her's. Ideally, a man who's interested in me would be able to hang out at my place, get along with whoever happens to be there, understand that my attention will be divided, and add cheer and levity to often stressful moments. If I try to offer more then I have my priorities out of order.

 

OMG Waveseer!

That is what I wish she would understand.

I am willing to do all those things, but she's pushing me away/shutting me out.

She's worried about hurting me, but I can take care of myself...lol...

[waveseer]

OMG Waveseer!

That is what I wish she would understand.

I am willing to do all those things, but she's pushing me away/shutting me out.

She's worried about hurting me, but I can take care of myself...lol...

 

I believe your suggestion to meet face to face alone is an important one. During this conversation you can explain it all to her. Ask her to invite you over a couple of times a week to try it out. If she is at all interested in you for a relationship and able to cope she will be open to this.

[RestlessNights]

So, I chatted with her a bit today...to try and come over to talk, like I wanted to and like I suggested on here...these are the 2 text responses I got...

 

Hey u did nothing wrong!!! Yes I would def tell u! U are a great guy I just am not ready for any of this right now. W u or anyone!! Please just give me time. I have no time to even breath. I don't want to have to put this much thought into anything right now. I know its selfish and I am sorry but I just don't have the time or energy I am more than wanting to be ur friend if u can handle it

 

Franky I don't have time to breath. Def no time for a relationship. I am sorry I a$ not ready but once again it is not u. It is 100 percent me!! Please don't take it the wrong way,

 

I am a mix of pissed off, disappointed, and discouraged now.

 

I'll be her friend, but I don't just want to be friends.

 

She ultimately did agree to meet me tomorrow (Sat) night to talk. I don't know what to say/do...if I should even attempt to meet at all...

[Leaps]

This kind of relationship is not going to be easy, and I'm sure she's scared about it. It's almost like a long distance relationship. She's scared that although you're understanding and patient now, it will be very frustrating and you'll change your mind after she's let her guard down. She's scared that she misses you and can't see you and it's hard for her. She's scared she can't trust you to be faithful and you won't trust that she's doing what she says she is. In her eyes it's better to let it go now than when she's really fallen for you.

 

My boyfriend did this at the beginning of our relationship. We're both very busy and only see each other maybe once or twice a week and most of the time we're not even alone on our dates. It's been a year and a half and it has been frustrating and at times even disappointing, because of our lives things are constantly coming up.

 

On the other hand, it's only been a short time and you don't really know her, there could be other things there that will cause problems in a relationship on top of these things. It's up to you if you think she's worth the patience, but try to keep a lookout for red flags, just in case.

[waveseer]

RN, when you meet ask her what would work for her. She is feeling stressed and needs to see you as an asset rather than a liability. Offer to help her, she sounds like she could really use it. You might be surprised at the simple things that can really make a big difference, like bringing groceries on your way over and/or making dinner. Be positive and assure her that you would like to integrate into her life and are not expecting her to drop anything important to run to your life.

[JusticeLaw9]

You're so willing and so very eager to inherit a lot of the responsibilities of dealing with this woman, but it's also still very early. Are you sure this is what you want so soon? If I were you, I'd take my time and try to really get to know who this woman is. She definitely has a lot going on.

[RestlessNights]

Don't get me wrong guys & gals, I'm very new to this. Maybe I don't know what I'm getting myself into...but that's also not my fault. She's so guarded, so much armor, I honestly feel like she is pushing me away. I just don't know how to proceed.

 

I feel something very special between us. That is wha is making it so frustrating for me, and her too I bet...

 

But, I almost lost it when she said she could be my friend still...I mean, seriously? How am I supposed to respond to that?

[RestlessNights]

UPDATE:

 

The girl I originally posted this about and I are no longer "together". She decided that she "doesn't trust herself" in a relationship right now due to all the "outside" influences in her life right now, including school and the fact that her last relationship was with her ex husband.

 

After we had that initial conversation, there was a break in contact between us for a couple of weeks. We still texted but didn't see one another at all. However, one day I was invited over for coffee and I wound up having dinner with her and her kids. We even shared a quick kiss on the lips before I left, which I thought was a sign that she had changed her mind.

 

WRONG. Haha.

 

I was honest and told her how I felt. She, to her credit, was honest too in saying she was flattered, wish she felt differently, but only wanted to be friends.

 

I've had no contact with her since that day. She's commented on a Facebook photo of mine since then, but I have been ignoring her. It hurts like hell to do so, but am I doing the right thing? I'm not going to get over her overnight, part of me will always care for her, I want to be there for her, but it hurts too much right now to even look at her Facebook profile.

 

Is this normal? How do I get over it?

[SpottiOtti]

In my experience it is totally normal to feel bruised after someone rejects you. At least she was totally honest with you from the beginning in that she didn't want a relationship, and didn't string you along or use you financially or anything like that. I don't think there's anything wrong with cutting off the contact with her. You should do whatever you need to to in order to heal from this disappointment.

 

Also, props for being willing to give a person with such a complicated life a real shot. Shows strength of character.