What is wrong with me?`

[Kathaclysm]

Hi guys, not too sure if I'm posting this in the right forum or not but here it goes:

 

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with me but I've been struggling with my self for YEARS. I've been told "it's just hormones, you'll grow out of it, blah blah blah" but if that's the case, why aren't others the same? I'm 17 years old now and I think I've been depressed or something since I was like 13.

Stupid drama happened, blah blah and I started self-injuring then and have been going on since. It kind of started to get attention, but now it just progressed into a thing where when I do it I lose all feeling. I just go numb and I like that. However, recently my boyfriend convinced me to stop and seek help.

 

Now that's just a bit of the background.. let me tell you about my problem:

Like I said before, I don't know what's wrong with me. I get sad randomly or I over react to minor upsetting things and start crying and feeling down. The worst part is I have this nasty habit to imagine sad situations. I've broken up with my boyfriend like a million times in my head, not because I want out of our relationship, but because I get so insecure that I start imagining us breaking up and I'll sit there and talk to him (in my head) and just have a whole dialogue going while crying for like an hour. He's not exactly the most affectionate person so I have insecurity issues when he seems to be ignoring me (which he really isn't.)

Lately things have been getting worse too. I'm in my last year of high school now and I KNOW I have to work hard. I want to. But I lack motivation at the best of times and for the past few months I've missed school because I can't even find the motivation to go. I sit in my bathroom, doing my makeup and I'll start crying to the point where I can't stop to go. I think it's also been causing me a lot of health problems too: constant migraines, nausea, dizzyness, etc.

And if I go back to cutting, my boyfriend flips out and it's like a temporary wake-up call. I feel like "Wow. He is right. I really need to get my life back on track!" and I make a vow I will. I promise my self I'll never feel depressed again or ever want to hurt my self. I feel so great and empowered in those moments, then I slowly revert back to my old self.

Sometimes I think the problem is my boyfriend because a lot of my emotional stress is from lack of affection from him, but I DON'T want to break up with him. I really like him and the thought of it makes me.. well cry. I would rather be depressed then without him, not only because of my attachment but because he really IS there for me when I need it. I just get so stupid sometimes and don't realize it which upsets him too. I know he really likes me, but he is such a strong person that he doesn't understand why I hurt my self or why talking to people or why getting help is hard.

 

Sorry about the rant. But I just don't know what to do.. getting help here is really not as easy at it should be. I am currently on a waiting list and looking elsewhere is super expensive or for adults only.

[alli]

I think you could really benefit from counseling and possibly antidepressants. Cutting is NOT regular, teenage behavior but it is something that many young people who are depressed do. There's no reason for you to continue suffering in silence when help is available. Talk to your parents again. I know it would be hard, but I think you need to tell them that you are cutting so they understand exactly where you are at and you are not just being a "moody teenager". At the very least, see your Dr & tell them how you are feeling. Ask for a referral to a counselor (a person you can talk anything out with, without fear of judgement or shame) and possibly some type of antidepressant.

[treeclimb]

There could be several factors which all might be influencing your emotional issues. While not all younger people might not experience emotional ups and downs in a strong fashion, a significant number do. Again, this can be for many reasons and combinations of reasons. So don't assume nobody else has these kinds of issues as you don't always know what goes on behind closed doors. So accept that you are not a freak or the only one with your kind of issues. Don't feel weird or unusual or ashamed about it. Being younger means quite a lot of possible factors for a start - still trying to work out who you are and what you want, becoming an adult and deciding what that means, learning about relationships, changing body, hormones, etc.

 

Because of this, the 'you'll grow out of it thing' has an element of truth to it. However, you are right to question whether that is the whole issue.

 

If you haven't already done so I'd go to a general doctor and say you have mood issues - describe them and say you want to have eliminated anything like thyroid problems or deficiencies and the like, as sometimes these things can be due to a specific physical problem like that that needs attention. If nothing shows up, don't see it as a wasted visit as eliminating such things is good for general knowledge about your physical health and it means you are narrowing down the causes of the problem.

 

If it is not physical in this regard, aside from chemical imbalance involbved in depression then the next thing is to acknowledge that it could be being influenced by not just ONE thing but a combination of things, such as I mentioned above. I would seek help for dealing with your mood issues and depression. Don't be scared of the word depression - it is only a word. Acknowledging your are experiencing mood instability and depression does not make you a mental case. It just means you could benefit from some help and support here. This could mean talking to appropriate friends or family about it, talking to your doctor about it, getting some counselling, etc. Antidepressants can be a big help for some people, although sometimes it takes a little time to find one that works. There are a lot of good self help books out there too. You say you are on a waiting list. But look elsewhere to see where help is available. There are sometimes several avenues when we just get stuck thinking there is only one. There are different types of counselling. I found CBT very helpful for myself (it stands for cognitive behavioural therapy). It helps you think in a more balanced fashion and helps you make decisions. And change here affects your feelings in a positive way. I think this therapy might be good for you.

 

Good luck.

[Kathaclysm]

Thank you very much. To be honest the word "depression" does scare me a bit. I am so afraid of having something WRONG with me that I tend to over-think things a lot.

However, I am seeking help from different places so thanks for the advice!

[asthesparrow]

I think it's anxiety.. but the underlying causes could be anything really. I do suggest that if these feelings and emotions really interfere with your life (your relationships, school/work, getting out and doing things, motivation) then you need to see a doctor.

May I ask what sort of things you do for fun and recreation? Do you exercise? Do you sleep well? Do you have a healthy diet?

In order to be happy, we have to be healthy too... and if we want to have GOOD relationships, and to love other people and be loved in return, we have to be happy and love ourselves... so your relationships are suffering because of this...

I suggest you see a doctor, but also make every effort to stay busy, find things that make you happy, get exercise, etc.