Kathaclysm Posted April 23, 2010 Share Posted April 23, 2010 Hi guys, not too sure if I'm posting this in the right forum or not but here it goes: I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with me but I've been struggling with my self for YEARS. I've been told "it's just hormones, you'll grow out of it, blah blah blah" but if that's the case, why aren't others the same? I'm 17 years old now and I think I've been depressed or something since I was like 13. Stupid drama happened, blah blah and I started self-injuring then and have been going on since. It kind of started to get attention, but now it just progressed into a thing where when I do it I lose all feeling. I just go numb and I like that. However, recently my boyfriend convinced me to stop and seek help. Now that's just a bit of the background.. let me tell you about my problem: Like I said before, I don't know what's wrong with me. I get sad randomly or I over react to minor upsetting things and start crying and feeling down. The worst part is I have this nasty habit to imagine sad situations. I've broken up with my boyfriend like a million times in my head, not because I want out of our relationship, but because I get so insecure that I start imagining us breaking up and I'll sit there and talk to him (in my head) and just have a whole dialogue going while crying for like an hour. He's not exactly the most affectionate person so I have insecurity issues when he seems to be ignoring me (which he really isn't.) Lately things have been getting worse too. I'm in my last year of high school now and I KNOW I have to work hard. I want to. But I lack motivation at the best of times and for the past few months I've missed school because I can't even find the motivation to go. I sit in my bathroom, doing my makeup and I'll start crying to the point where I can't stop to go. I think it's also been causing me a lot of health problems too: constant migraines, nausea, dizzyness, etc. And if I go back to cutting, my boyfriend flips out and it's like a temporary wake-up call. I feel like "Wow. He is right. I really need to get my life back on track!" and I make a vow I will. I promise my self I'll never feel depressed again or ever want to hurt my self. I feel so great and empowered in those moments, then I slowly revert back to my old self. Sometimes I think the problem is my boyfriend because a lot of my emotional stress is from lack of affection from him, but I DON'T want to break up with him. I really like him and the thought of it makes me.. well cry. I would rather be depressed then without him, not only because of my attachment but because he really IS there for me when I need it. I just get so stupid sometimes and don't realize it which upsets him too. I know he really likes me, but he is such a strong person that he doesn't understand why I hurt my self or why talking to people or why getting help is hard. Sorry about the rant. But I just don't know what to do.. getting help here is really not as easy at it should be. I am currently on a waiting list and looking elsewhere is super expensive or for adults only. Link to comment
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